The Friday Sex Blog [Open Relationships]

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The Friday Sex Blog [Sex as Prayer]

¡Hola! Everybody…
My main computer is once again freaking out on me! Arrrggghhh!

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-=[ Sex as Prayer ]=-

Free your ass, your mind will follow...

Most Christians would consider the joining of sex and spirituality a heresy. I say, take it up with the man you call your God. After all, according to dogma, He invented everything in six days (even He had to rest). LOL

Seriously, most of us compartmentalize our lives. For too many people sex is something they do in the darkened chambers of their shame.

I would submit that fucking is the highest form of prayer any couple (married or not) can offer to the Divine. As an expression of the Universal Principle, it creates unity and joy which are surely signs of a Divine presence. As an expression of the couple’s love for one another, it is the deepest affirmation that love is their work. With such power to elicit the presence of the Divine, I have to wonder why there is so little written or taught about sex as prayer. This is especially puzzling as I browse the aisles of bookstores brimming with books on centering prayer, charismatic prayer, holistic prayer, The Jesus prayer, blah blah blah…

Don’t answer that question, it’s a rhetorical device. The answer is found in the Church’s two-thousand-year anti-sex campaign. Christianity views the flesh as the domain of the devil -- as sinful -- and could never be integrated into Christian spirituality. On another, less evident level, the neglect of sex is an expression of a deep-rooted fear: the fear of mystery. Due to an irrational religious dogma that has lost much of its relevance, we intentionally exclude this mystery from our daily lives.

Essentially, we have chosen to live in fear and anxiety rather than face the mystery. We push sex into the dark recesses of our psyches where it then becomes deviant -- a dark and twisted power that controls our motivations even as we deny its existence. We do this at our own peril.

We will fight tooth and nail, for example, to cover a statue’s breasts, but stay mum when our children are subjected to watching literally tens of thousands of simulated murders and other acts of violence before they reach the age of seven. Tits are evil, but watching a human being gunned down senselessly is kewl.

The naked form is evil, but subjecting our children to endless stream of advertisements created by marketing experts for the sole purpose of making our children mindless consumers is OK.

Our escape from the mystery of sex has placed our lives in jeopardy. We think we fear loss of freedom, fear the terrorists, or fear unending war, but the reality we fear more than all enemies real or imagined, is the reality of sex and the surrender it demands.

It’s no wonder the most predominant characteristic of our age is impotence, Not that we are without power, but that we experience ourselves individually and collectively as powerless. The consequences of this powerless are seen everywhere. We have an abundance of food, yet millions go hungry. We are surrounded by multitudes and yet many of us go lonely. We have sex but only as a scratch for an ego itch -- sex without substance. And I’m not talking about casual vs. committed sex. Both forms of sex can be liberating -- sex is essentially a liberating force -- I know too many people in committed relationships who have “empty calorie” sex.

No, what we have is the old familiar and bitter fear which breeds more and more weapons of mass destruction. We are afraid. We fear love. We fear sex. We have forgotten how to dance.

If you want to know the way out, sexual union points the way. Why do you think that those who want to brings us back to the “good old days” (conservatives) try so desperately to control anything having to do with sex/ Why do you think religious institutions place so many restrictions on sex? The answers lies in the fact that sexual union is probably one of the most powerful mechanisms for personal liberation. The cliché of “free your mind, your ass will follow,” may have it backwards: perhaps the body is the territory of our liberation.

Sexual union invites us as lovers to go beyond a society and a self that views its accomplishments, its goals, its vision of reality, its technical achievements, as ends in themselves -- as idols. Sexual union offers a path in which we gain a perspective of what is lasting and what is temporary. Sexual union is mutual surrender to the mystery and the heart of human life and love. Sex is the reminder that we are not the center of the universe: The Divine is the center and that divinity lies within each of us and is strengthened and made real when we come together.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Pussy]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Wish me luck… just wish me luck, don’t ask! (LOL)

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-=[ Pussy ]=-

“Feeling a little irritated in the airport? Just say, ‘cunt!’ everything changes.”

-- Eve Ensler, Vagina Monologues

Pussy, cunt, chocha, toto, twat, beaver, the jade throne -- whatever you call it, the vagina has had a pivotal role in human history. Yet despite its crucial historical location, you might as well have been talking about the dark side of the moon when talking about what we knew of the vagina. This changed somewhat during the late 1950s and early 1960s when William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson devised an experiment that allowed them to observe directly what happens deep inside the vagina during sexual arousal and intercourse. They had women masturbate to orgasm using a camera-equipped plastic penis, complete with a special light to illuminate the mysterious, lightless interior.

Masters and Johnson reported that the vagina is “a potential rather than an actual space.” Its soft, velvety walls (yummy) are collapsed together, touching each other. However, during the first stage of the sexual response cycle, shortly after initial sexual stimulation, two things happen: the vagina begins to lubricate and to expand. According to researchers, vaginal lubrication is the first physiological sign of arousal in women: within 10 to 30 seconds after stimulation begins, the researchers found, little beads of fluid begin forming all over the vaginal walls, giving them the appearance of a sweat-beaded forehead. The little beads rapidly spread to form that deliciously smooth, glistening covering men love so much.*

As a woman becomes increasingly aroused, the deepest two-thirds of her vagina begin inflating, almost like a balloon -- lengthening and expanding in what Masters and Johnson described as a “tenting” effect. The uterus and cervix pull slowly up and back, out of harm’s way. (Some women have retroverted, or tipped, uterus, causing the cervix to stay where it is, suspended in this widening vaginal cavity -- where a man’s penis may batter it, sometimes painfully, during intercourse.)

During all this, the vaginal walls dramatically change in color form their usual purplish red tint to a distinctly darker purplish hue. This is the result of vasocongestion -- the damming up of blood that’s the central event of sexual arousal.

As sexual excitement reaches the plateau stage (the second stage of the sexual cycle), the outer third of the vagina swells as it engorged with blood, to the extent that it actually narrows the vaginal entrance by up to 50 percent. (The deeper part of the vagina is expanding; the outer part is narrowing.) Masters and Johnson called this outer third the “orgasmic platform,” and it was this area that reacted most dramatically during orgasm. At the moment of climax, this whole outer ring begins spasmodically contracting at 0.8-second intervals, anywhere from 3-15 times. At the very highest level of sexual excitement, some women experience a sort of superorgasm: the orgasmic platform explodes into a spastic contraction lasting 2 to 4 seconds (knocking them knees), then downshifts into the 0.8-contractions of “normal” orgasm.

After, during the third (“resolution”) phase of the sexual response, the orgasmic platform rapidly drains of blood, the vaginal opening expands, and the inner, distended part of the vagina shrinks back to its original state.

Whew!

These findings point to one erroneous, but common, misconception men have about the vagina: that it’s deep, hammering penetration that drives women wild. Much of this misconception is the result of male-oriented erotic material that emphasizes the imagery of deep penetration: spikes, spears, lances, swords all plunging to the hilt.

But the truth is that for most women, the deepest two-thirds of the vagina are practically numb to the touch. Researchers have found that deep inside, the vaginal walls have few nerve endings. By contrast, the outer third of the vagina and the vaginal opening are exceedingly sensitive to touch.

On the other hand, more recent research have established that some women do find deep vaginal penetration incredibly pleasurable, reporting that it triggers a “deep” orgasm that’s different from an orgasm touched off by clitoral stimulation. Because the vaginal walls have so little feeling, sex researchers believe that some women enjoy the deep muscular contractions of the uterus and muscles of the pelvic floor (this can also be due to the more recently discovered “clitoral wings” that form a semi ring extending close to the anal area). Other women seem to be especially responsive to firm pressure on top of the front wall of the vagina, also called the G-spot.

I guess what I’m saying here is that basically when it comes to sexual enjoyment -- and sexual equipment -- all women are alike… but also different.

Love,

Eddie

*Note: for the sake of brevity I am using the accepted “stage model” of orgasm. I have problems with this stage-model (as do others) but I am using this model now only because it’s more convenient for my purposes today.

Check out the video to see a demonstration of the various vaginal moans:

The Friday Sex Blog [Sexuality]

¡Hola! Everybody…
It’s Friday and you know what that means: it’s all about sex up in here. My Friday blog is usually extra nasty and sexually graphic and profane. Some people even say it smells nasty. If you don’t like that shit, or worship a God that disapproves of fucking, then get the fuck outta here… Now. LOL!

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-=[ Your Sexuality ]=-

Yes, there was a basic attraction that was true enough. But there was also a wild beast-like hunger for every inch of your body, every secret niche and shameful part of it, every smell. It yearned to throw you under me on your belly and fuck you from behind, riding you mercilessly, relishing in the musky smell wafting from your ass, glorifying in penetrating your reddened cheeks, your helpless cries and tangled hair -- in ruthlessly taking your offering…

You are a sexual person since before the day you are born – from the womb to the tomb. Part of a healthy sexual attitude includes understanding sex as a positive aspect of life. Maintaining an affirmative sexuality and expressing sexuality in a manner that improves your life is necessary for developing the capacity for intimacy.

This perspective is vastly different from the traditional double standard that most follow. Anti-sex conditioning and negative attitudes regarding sexuality -- especially that sex is “dirty,” that men and women are sexually different/ incompatible -- creates sexual dysfunction and separates us from our basic nature. Sexuality is a normal way for you to express your human need for touching, sharing, and pleasuring. This need is equally valid for men and women.

The good news is that you can undo the conditioning and increase your sexual awareness and comfort. This does not mean that you have to feel sexual and perform at any time, in any situation, with any partner. That is the sexual pressure placed by tradition on the shoulders of men. It is a dehumanizing perspective of male sexuality. Equally dehumanizing is the traditional imperative that females should not to be sexual at any time, in any situation, or with any person other than her husband or intimate partner-- and even then not be carried away with passion. I am amazed at the vast numbers of women going without sex these days.

Yes, you can learn to be comfortable with your sexuality and more accepting of yourself as an essentially sexual person. The wonderful truth of the matter is that you have the choice to be sexual at a time and in a manner where you can truthfully celebrate healthy sexual expression.

There are many ways we learn about sexuality, but the most primal one is through touch. The touching you received from your mother and father as a child is important; so is your own touching to explore your body. Before the age of six months, children discover the positive sensations of touching their genitals. Was playing with your penis or vulva accepted by the parent as normal and healthy, or were your hands slapped while being told: “No! That’s dirty!”?

My point here is not to get into a blame game for sexual dysfunction; your parents were acting out according to the sexual scripts that were handed down to them. It has only recently emerged that childhood sexual curiosity and exploration are a healthy part of human development. However, it is my belief that as adults we can learn to undo negative sexual conditioning and build a healthy sexual awareness and sexual self-esteem.

There’s a lesson for all of us in a child touching herself that we need to heed. The child is experiencing positive, pleasurable feelings, not genitally focused sexual arousal.

Sensuality is the basis for sexuality.

The child feels she’s entitled to the warm, comfortable feelings of sensual touch. Genital exploration and stimulation are a natural extension of sensuous touch.

That’s the gist of it all. No one, or no book, can teach you nor force a sexual response. No one can teach you how to become sexually aroused and have an orgasm. The potential for sexual response is natural. What you can learn is awareness of sensual and sexual stimuli, how to nurture and cultivate sexual desire, the importance of clear and direct communication, and active involvement in giving and receiving pleasure. You have to be open to your sexuality, not inhibited by the obstacles that interfere with healthy sexual expression.

The most common obstacle to uninhibited sexuality is goal-oriented sex. That’s not sensuality, but a fast food version of sexuality. I call it “Mickey Dee sex.” No wonder so many women pack it up! (Use it or lose it, bitches. LOL!). Goal-oriented sex -- sex in which the ends (orgasm) supersede the process (sensuality) -- leads to a lot of emotional wreckage. The list is exhausting: performance anxiety, peer pressure, forced sexual response, use of sex as a weapon in an argument or power struggle, use of sex for manipulation -- and on and on the list goes.

Sex is not a performance to prove something to yourself or you partner, it’s not a spectator sport in the sense that it’s not a competition to see who can have the best orgasm, or last the longest, or anything like that. You hear people talking about sex in the most degrading manner: “I did that bitch,” “Girl, I did that ma’fucca so good he gave me his PIN number.” People seem to focus on technique as if being a sexual acrobat can make them a good lover and that’s so much bullshit.

In any case, that’s not sex, it’s rutting. In fact, it’s not even good rutting. I’m all for rutting, as long as it’s a good rut. Otherwise, I’d rather jerk off.

Sexual awareness is about being open and receptive to affectionate, playful, erotic, and intimate touch. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasurable touch.

Sensuality is not something you either have or do not. It’s a range of attitudes, behaviors, and feelings which reflect you as a sexual person. Remember: sex is a good thing

::Martha Stewart smile::

Sexuality is a major part of who you are as a human being and your personality. You are responsible for your sexuality; express it so that it enhances your life and intimate relationships.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Women Who Gotta Have It]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Busy, busy busy!

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-=[ Pandora's Box ]=-

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

-- Mae West

I’ve been reading some literature on women’s sexuality and I’ve come across some interesting findings. For too long, mainstream research has dealt almost exclusively with how often and how successfully young (but not too young), white, middle class, able-bodied, heterosexual couples consummate the act of sexual intercourse. Following a male bias, it almost exclusively isolates sex as physical and intimacy as emotional. It focuses exclusively on a few inches of mucous membrane in which achieving orgasm is described in terms as if it were mountain climbing, complete with ropes and hammers.

What this leaves out is what newer research shows and what women have been telling us for too long: what’s most important about sex, I have heard woman say countless times, is a sense of connectedness.

I would like to summarize some of what I’ve been discovering, but that will have to wait. For today, I want to elaborate on some findings via a personal experience.

Perhaps some of my readers remember an incident I reported regarding a former lover’s difficulty with sex. I had written that she had developed a tension in the body that was centered in her genital area and which made sexual penetration extremely painful for her. Eventually, working together, we were able to ease that tension, resulting in a sexual opening or awakening for both of us. For her, it was liberation from strict and repressive morals, for me it was the dawning of an awareness to the range of women’s sexual responses.

My friend, who I will call Pandora, was raised in a strict, conservative, and religious home. At the time of our relationship, she was 30 years-old and recently divorced. Her only lover was her former husband, part of a marriage of nine years.

I was in my mid-twenties, during the height of an era of sexual liberation and exploration. I discovered early on, that women would be more open to me if I were honest about my intentions and open to my emotional life. Pandora, though conflicted, took me as a lover, though she had mixed feelings.

Looking back, I can better understand how we were able to open to one another and reduce the tension that made sex so painful for her. The first time I attempted to enter her, it was almost impossible. She was tight to the point that sexual penetration was almost impossible. She cried the first time -- partly because of the physical pain, partly (she later intimated) because of shame.

As we came to know one another better, she related a sexual history that made it easy for me to understand her sexual unease. She grew up in a family in which sexual pleasure was considered sinful. As a result, she was a virgin when she married her husband. Her husband controlled almost all the aspects of their sexing. She would wear what he told her to wear. The lights were turned to the level that he liked. They had to have sex like clockwork at a certain day of the week at a certain time. For Pandora, sex meant only one thing: a responsibility -- mad rush to orgasm for her husband.

With me, because of my natural curiosity and penchant for exploration, sex was a little different. I wanted (as I have always wanted) her to “open” to me -- to be fully present surrendering the deepest recesses of her sexuality to me.

Yes, I have issues.

My desire to be engulfed by her cunt compelled me to talk to her, hold her, and kiss her in places she had never been kissed before. Oftentimes, especially in the beginning of our relationship, we talked more than we fucked. When I told her that many women don’t respond to sexual penetration alone, she was shocked. She didn’t believe me. All her life, she was taught and experienced sex from a male-dominant point o view that caused her confusion when she didn’t respond in the way her husband wanted her to respond.

And it wasn’t that he didn’t kiss her, or didn’t perform cunnilingus on her -- he did. The thing with Pandora was that it seemed that everything about the sex act was geared toward achieving the big “O.” She needed to be related to, to be utterly complete fucked. My willingness to talk to her openly about sex (I used to love to tease her by using “vulgar” terms, such as “pussy,” “cunt,” “cock,” etc.) served to open her up. And her sexual exploration became the erotic ground on which we built our sexing. We would visit sex shops and browse through them, looking at and laughing at the different toys. I would explore her body, and slowly, she came to trust me enough to tell me what she liked and didn’t like.

Eventually, Pandora took charge of her own sexual awakening and once she opened to me, there was no holding back. I still remember the moment her pussy yawned open for me, hot with sexual desire, slippery with her want. I think she yelled something out, I don’t remember what, but we laughed about it later. I would often tease her that we had created a monster.

Pandora would explain that all her life, she was trying to conform to what she know saw as a male model for sexual pleasure and when she “failed” to conform to that model, the message was that there was something wrong with her, that she was frigid, or sexually defected. What she discovered, was that what was missing from her sexual life was a sense of connectedness. When she eventually took control of our sexual exploration, she became my guide for the map of her body. This was a liberation for both of us.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Ode to a Woman's Behind]

-=[ In Praise of Women’s Behinds ]=-

Free yo ass, your mind will follow...

The female ass, that most unorthodox of altars, to be worshiped on one’s knees.

Indeed, the ancient Greeks revered the buttocks as being an aspect of the divine and portrayed them enthusiastically in exquisitely sculpted marble. With the coming of the centuries-long Christian war on Eros, however, the depiction of the nude figure became a crime, thrown into the shadows (along with anything having to do with evolved human activities) of the repressive Dark Ages.

Then, in the fifteenth century, Renaissance artists once more raised the bottom to loftier heights only to have it once again banished by the prudish Victorians, who found the body so revolting, they considered even bathing immodest.

Today, the bottom has once again been salvaged from the repressive excesses of religiosity with dress designers now decreeing that the ass should once again be the focus of attention, and no dedicated fashionista can afford to neglect the view from the rear -- or this newfound, well-rounded appraisal of it.

Buttocks date from time immemorial. They appeared when humankind conceived the idea of standing up on their hind legs and remaining there -- one of the most crucial moments in our evolution since the buttock muscles then underwent considerable development. More importantly, this act resulted in the freeing of our ancestor’s hands and the engagement of the skull on the spinal column was modified, which in turn allowed the brain (specifically the prefrontal cortex) to develop. Therefore, it would not be wrong to point out that our buttocks were at least partially responsible for the early emergence of the brain and certainly influenced its evolution. Our asses, it follows, freed our minds.

Of all the existing primates only the human species possesses hemispherical buttocks which project prominently from the body. Other primates have been described as “apes with flat buttocks.” Which is to make a mockery of the ass. Therefore, the emergence of the buttocks coincides with the erect stance and walking on two legs which, according to anthropologists, goes back three or four million years.

The fact remains, of course, that our ancestor’s buttocks did not resemble ours simply because they stood upright. Much time and evolution would have to transpire before hairy and not so noticeable buttocks would’ve evolved into the naked, smooth, and soft buttocks that we love so much today.

When a female ape wanted to send a “sexual signal” to a mate, she showed him her hind quarters. This is an interesting note for many of the female of the species of ape possess bottoms which light up, becoming bright red and swollen as the time of ovulation approaches. And rutting generally occurs when the females display their organs in the state of maximum dilation. With the human female it is quite different. Her bottom does not swell with the menstrual cycle: it remains permanently protuberant (swollen). And therein lies just one of the many beauties of the female behind: she is always ready for the male and can mate even when she cannot concieve. This last fact has been a thorn in the side of Christians for a very long time.

From an aesthetic perspective, there is probably no more pleasing architecture than a woman’s behind in all its glory. The convex/ concave contrast between the subtle flaring of an impossibly slim waist flaring into the well-rounded twin orbs of female posterior flesh cannot be found elsewhere. Then there is the cleft -- mysterious, dark, the gateway to sin itself. And if one were to explore more closely, one could grasp a glimpse of the fleshy lips of a moist and receptive vagina. It is no wonder why a woman’s ass -- thrown upwards into the air, naked and vulnerable -- is one of the most erotic and subversive of human acts.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Relgious Sex]

“… Her truth, her altar,
forms at the
juncture of firm thighs
where a hallowed moistness --
a sticky-sweet dew --
exists solely to quench
my lustful thirst.
It’s where the stuttering
of my lips
offers prayers
from an unknown religion
to forgotten Gods.”

-- Edward-Yemíl Rosario
All rights reserved © 2008

According to The Big Three (Christianity, Judaism, Islam) the erotic impulse -- the world of Eros, the body, and human sexuality -- falls under the domain of Satan. From this perspective, the physical is cast as sinful, bestial. Human sexuality, according to this view, is an obstacle from the lofty hallowed pursuit of God and everything that is good and ethical. From the moment we are born, we are told that the more we open to the erotic impulse, the more we listen and open to the needs of the body, the more we embrace and enjoy our sexual natures, the further we stray from moral rectitude and emotional well-being.

I write this Friday sex blog mostly because I argue that the opposite is true. I submit that the erotic impulse, honored and liberated from the shackles of guilt and organized forces of suppression, is a powerful spiritual path leading to a profound psycho-spiritual awareness. The sex blog is a call for us to stop trivializing the erotic/ sexual world as we so often do, as if sex involved nothing more than sensory stimulation, ego gratification, and the pursuit of an orgasm.

Some of my assumptions are radical. That there is more to sex than the giddy pursuit of carnal pleasure may be hard to accept in the aftermath of the sexual explosion of the 60s and 70s. It was an era when reliable birth control, combined with an awakening feminism, consciousness-raising, and the movements for gay, lesbian, and bisexual liberation released us from some of our legacy of sexual oppression and fear. However, it is my submission that that it is precisely our failure to recognize the depth of the erotic impulse that is at the root of our current dissatisfaction with our sexual nature.

Once we began to shake loose the shackles of sexual repression, we were as the proverbial children in the candy store. In the time of so-called free love, we seemed to want nothing more than to consume as many erotic experiences as we could. We were, after all, sexually starved beings emerging from thousands of years wandering lost in a wasteland into a world of lush jungles bursting with exotic fruit. I was there, and it was an exciting time in the cultural history of Western sexuality, and an important first step in freeing ourselves from the repressive world on the 50s -- the huge, white-picket-fence, clean and tidy, sexual suburbia of post-war America.

Released from sexual repression, we had more sex in more ways (with your mouth, your ass, with a vibrator, within groups, or with people of your own gender). But even as we feasted on the erotic delights we also discovered, even as we celebrated breaking down the political, religious, and cultural inhibitions, that there were limits. The new synthesis, to borrow from Hegel, had created a new antithesis. The crest of the wave was moving faster than the base and there were rocks up ahead. Jumping into the sexual realm, we found ourselves confronted with a landscape we could not have expected and did not know how to interpret.

As much as we would like to trivialize it, we must realize that whenever we play with erotic energy, we engage both emotional and archetypal forces that have their roots in the very heart of who we are as human beings, in how we define ourselves, and how we relate to the world around us. Entering consciously into the erotic world raises issues and feelings, for example, around usually unfulfilled desires rooted in infancy -- desires needing attention and nurture. The erotic impulse touches upon our prenatal memories of being at one with another human being, our ego boundaries, and the blurring of personalities, and notions regarding surrendering control of our behavior. The erotic impulse always raises all the issues related to intimacy: the very human desire to be close to someone else, the fear of becoming lost or smothered, and all the past yearnings, wounds, and disappointments we have experienced. Being sexual confronts us with issues of our worthiness to receive love or pleasure, as well as when and how we want, or don’t want, to extend these ways of caring expressions to another.

Going deeper into the emotions released by deep erotic experiences, we are confronted with anger, passion, even rage which we may find embarrassing or disturbing. We find ourselves dealing with issues of power, and of trust. Going deeper still, erotic experiences takes us down to basic feelings about the balance of chaos and order, and even to an experience that many describe as a direct contact to the Divine.

I view the sexual experience as a valid path for exploring the very meaning of life. I see the attempt to pursue awakening only through an otherworldly mental exercise as wrongheaded and culturally biased. Perhaps it’s a consequence of a spirituality dominated by male spiritual teachers who defined an embodied feminine way of engaging the world as inferior.

Sex is a matter of energy. Once you have learned to experience orgasm as an energy event outside the sexual context, you take responsibility for your well-being in sex. You realize that the true source of your pleasure lies not in your partner but within yourself.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [The Job Nobody Wanted]

¡Hola! Everybody...
No intro today, just going straight to the video tape! ::grin::

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-=[ A Brief History of the Vibrator ]=-
Or: The Job Nobody Wanted

As far back as 1653, when physician Pieter van Foreest published a treatise on women’s diseases, women’s sexuality has been sorely misunderstood. To be sure, sexually frustrated women were viewed as suffering from “hysteria” (literally, “womb disease”). van Foreest prescribed what would become known as “vulvular massage” -- suggesting that a midwife or doctor could cure “hysterical” women through “the massaging of the genitalia with one finger inside,” using “oil of lilies, musk root, crocus, or [something] similar.”

This was nothing new. In the Western medical tradition, bringing women to orgasm via genital massage by a physician or midwife was a standard treatment for hysteria, an illness considered both chronic and common in women. Descriptions of this treatment appear as early as Hippocrates and in the first and second centuries, A.D. It’s interesting that very little attention has been paid to a medical treatment for a complaint that is no longer defined as a disease but that from at least the fourth century B.C. until the American Psychiatric Association dropped the term in 1952 was known mainly as hysteria.

The fact is that all the symptomology (<-- new word! LOL) described what is consistent with normal female sexuality, for which relief, not surprisingly, was gained through orgasm, either through intercourse, of by means of a massage on the physician’s table. That normal female sexual functioning was described as a disease can be laid at the feet of a society in which sexuality is seen almost exclusively through a male-dominated (androcentric) perspective. Androcentric (new word!) views not only shaped the definition of sexuality, and their consequences for women, but also the instruments designed to cope with these so-called diseases.

What I found even more interesting was that many doctors detested doing vulvular massage and that’s where the “technology of orgasm” comes in. According to historian Rachel P. Maines (and I borrow heavily from her book, The Technology of Orgasm, today), the vibrator emerged as a response to the demand from physicians for a more rapid and efficient therapy for hysteria. As I mentioned, the diagnosis of hysteria was in actuality normal female sexual functioning. The male-dominant (androcentric) view of sexuality didn’t take into consideration that the androcentric ideal of intercourse failed to consistently produce orgasm in more than half of the female population.

Therefore, the task of relieving female arousal was given over to the medical establishment, which defined female orgasm as an illness. In effect, doctors inherited the task of producing orgasm in women because it was a job nobody wanted.

There is no evidence to show that male physicians enjoyed providing vulvular massage treatments. On the contrary, physicians, part of the male power elite, sought to substitute other devices for their fingers, such as the business end of an almost infinite line of impersonal mechanisms.

At the same time, "hysteria" presented a lucrative market for physicians. Patients never recovered nor died of their condition but continued to require regular treatment. One 19^th-century physician estimated that as many as three-quarters of the female population were “out of health,” and comprised the largest market for “therapeutic devices.”

Doctors also found it difficult to bring women to orgasm. The job required skill and attention. One doctor noted the difficulty in producing orgasm through vulvular massage. He stated that it was not unlike “the game of boys in which they try to rub their stomachs with one hand and pat their heads with the other.” LMAO

While the female is expected to reach orgasm during coitus, more than half of all women, and possibly more than 70 percent, do not reach orgasm by penetration alone. While this has been better publicized by modern-day sex-researchers, it was known in previous centuries. The majority of women have been defined as abnormal or “frigid,” somehow derelict in their duty to live up the androcentric model of sexuality.

Historically women were discouraged from masturbating because it was believed this practice would impair their health, and most men in previous centuries (and even today!) have failed to understand that penetration alone is sexually satisfying to only a minority of women.

The second part of this blog will be posted next Friday...

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Women Who Gotta Have It]

¡Hola! Everybody…
I’ve been writing about sex, moral panics, and the harm they cause children, but I haven’t been able to finish … It will probably have to chopped down to tow or three posts. I should have the first part up next Friday.

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-=[ She’s Gotta Have It ]=-

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
-- Mae West

I’ve been reading literature on women’s sexuality and I’ve come across some interesting findings. For too long, mainstream research has dealt almost exclusively with how often and how successfully young (but not too young), white, middle class, able-bodied, heterosexual couples complete the act of sexual intercourse. Following a male bias, the literature almost exclusively isolates sex as physical and intimacy as emotional. It focuses exclusively on a few inches of mucous membrane in which achieving orgasm is described in terms as if it were mountain climbing, complete with ropes and hammers.

What this leaves out is what newer research is uncovering and what women have been telling us for too long: what’s most important about sex, I have heard woman say countless times, is a sense of connectedness.

I would like to summarize some of what I’ve been reading, but that will have to wait. For today, I want to elaborate on some findings via a personal experience.

Perhaps some of my readers remember an incident I reported regarding a former lover’s difficulty with sex. I had written that she had developed a tension in the body that was centered around her genital area and which made sexual penetration extremely painful for her. Eventually, working together, we were able to ease that tension, resulting in a sexual opening or awakening for both of us. For her, it was liberation from strict and repressive morals, for me it was the dawning of an awareness to the range of women’s sexual responses.

My friend, who I will call Pandora, was raised in a strict, conservative, and religious home. At the time, she was 30 years-old and recently divorced. Her only lover was her former husband, part of a marriage of nine years.

I was in my mid-twenties, during the height of an era of sexual liberation and exploration. I discovered early on, that women would be more open to me if I were honest about my intentions and open to my emotional life. Pandora, though conflicted, took me as a lover, though she had mixed feelings.

Looking back, I can better understand how we were able to open to one another and reduce the tension that made sex so painful for her. The first time I attempted to enter her, it was almost impossible. She was very tight, tight the point that sexual penetration was almost impossible. She cried the first time -- partly because of the physical pain, partly because of shame.

As we got to know one another, she related a sexual history that made it easy for me to understand her sexual unease. She grew up in a family in which sexual pleasure was considered sinful. As a result, she was a virgin when she married her husband. Her husband controlled almost all the aspects of their sexing. She would wear what he told her to wear. The lights were turned to the level that he liked. Their sexual lives resembled a rigidity -- clockwork at a certain day of the week at a certain time. For Pandora, sex meant only one thing: a mad rush to orgasm (for her husband).

Because of my penchant for exploration and my curiosity, sex was a little different with me. I wanted (as I have always wanted) her to “open” to me -- to be fully present, surrendering the deepest recesses of her sexuality to me.

Yes, I have issues.

My desire to be engulfed by her cunt compelled me to talk to her, hold her, and kiss her in places she had never been kissed before. Oftentimes, in the beginning, we talked more than we fucked. When I told her that many women don’t respond to sexual penetration alone, she was shocked. She didn’t believe me. All her life, she was taught sex from a male point o view that caused her confusion when she didn’t respond in the way her husband wanted her to respond.

And it wasn’t that he didn’t kiss her, or didn’t perform cunnilingus on her -- he did. The thing with Pandora was that it seemed that everything about the sex act was geared toward achieving the big “O.” She needed to be related to, not just merely fucked. My willingness to talk to her openly about sex (I used to love to tease her by using “vulgar” terms, such as pussy, cunt, cock, etc.) served to open her up. And her sexual exploration became the erotic ground on which we built our sexing. We would visit sex shops and browse through the different toys. I would explore her body, and slowly, she came to trust me enough to tell me what she liked and didn’t like.

Eventually, Pandora took charge of her own sexual awakening and once she opened (mostly to herself), there was no holding back. I still remember the moment her pussy yawned open for me, hot with sexual desire, slippery with her want. I think she yelled something out, I don’t remember what, but we laughed about it later. I would often tease her that we had created a monster. LOL

Pandora would explain that all her life, she was trying to conform to a male model of sexual pleasure and when she “failed” to conform or live up to that model, she was told there was something wrong with her, that she was frigid, or sexually defected. What she discovered, she told me, was that what was she was missing from her sexual life was a sense of connectedness. When she eventually took control of our sexual exploration, she became of my guide for the map of her body. This was a form of liberation for both of us.

Anyway, that’s all I can write today. I have a busy day ahead.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Dick Kung Fu, pt. II]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Lebron wouldn't have been able to hack it in The Big City anyway... And they better win it all in Miami, no excuses this time, Lebron.

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-=[ Dick Kung Fu ]=-

Popular mainstream depictions of intercourse are almost always of the mattress spring-squeaking, in-and-out variety that leads to fast ejaculation and little satisfaction for either partner. One has to realize that proper thrusting is essential for a truly pleasurable lovemaking experience. Ejaculatory control, and overall sexual healing, and health are enhanced when the art of thrusting is properly mastered.

First, one should wait until the woman is highly aroused before intercourse. In the colorful language of the Taoists, a couple needs to wait until the woman’s pot is boiling before the man puts his carrot and peas in. Otherwise, they will have soggy sex and his carrot will quickly go limp. LOL

When most people think of intercourse, they think in terms of being “in” or “out.” for Taoists and Tantric practitioners, who mapped out the pleasure and reflexology points of the penis and the vagina, there are many different depths and directions for the man to thrust and pleasure himself and his partner. These crucial reflexology points correspond with the organs and glands of the body, which are energized and healed by rubbing on these points.

You should experiment with various depths and directions. In the interest of making today’s post simpler, think in terms of three basic thrusts: shallow thrusts, long deep thrusts, and short deep thrusts.

Taoists recommended that men (or women, when they are on top) vary the type of thrusts they use. When used synergistically, the deep thrusts push the air out of the woman’s vagina and create a vacuum that can be intensified by using shallow thrusts. As long as the penis does not come out completely, this very pleasurable vacuum effect is maintained.

The recommended thrust combination was nine shallow thrusts and one long deep thrust as a basic rhythm or nine short deep thrusts and one long deep thrust. The long deep thrusts are highly pleasurable, but also make it hard for a man to control his ejaculation. The short deep thrusts are deeply satisfying to the woman while not being overly stimulating to the man. As a man learns to control his ejaculation, he becomes multi-orgasmic and the thrusting ratio can be lessened to six or even three shallow or short deep and then one long deep. The most important thing is to find a regular rhythm that you enjoy and the experiment with depth, direction, and speed. Think of the fun you'll have with your partner exploring thrusts in an open and conscious manner.

The Thrusts

· Shallow Thrusts: These serve to stimulate the highly sensitive first two inches of the woman’s vagina, and depending on her position, her G-spot.

· Long Deep Thrusts: These are deep thrusts in which the man pulls back almost to the entrance of the woman’s vagina between thrusts. These are the thrusts usually depicted in the media and pornography. They can be highly stimulating for both partners, as the man pushes and pulls the head of his cock along the whole length of his partner’s vagina.

· Short Deep Thrusts: These are thrusts in which the man stays deep in the woman and stokes back and forth. This stimulates her clitoris (with pressure from his pubic bone) and the back of her vagina while not stimulating the head of the penis as much.

If the man is experiencing difficulty maintaining an erection, of course the long deep thrusts are good for resolving this problem. And the fact remains that at some time or another every man experiences difficulty having an erection when he wants one. This is what sexual therapists call “situational impotence.” In these situations, it is essential for men to be knowledgeable with the Soft Entry technique (which I won’t get into at this point). In ordinary (often-mediocre) sex, men enter hard and exit soft. In Tantric and Taoist practices, a man can enter hard or soft and exit hard.

I have found the short deep thrusts extremely useful in ejaculatory control and very effective when a woman is reaching orgasm and wants my cock deep inside of her. Using this thrust, I can pleasure my lover without risking losing my ejaculatory control.

Depth, Direction, Speed

It’s important to vary the direction and speed of the thrust in addition to varying depth. While the following is addressed to the man, it can also be adapted by the woman when she is on top. Please remember that the most important part of lovemaking is to be in your body, not inside you head. Don’t get lost with over concern about thrust and lose the pleasure of the thrust itself.

It’s interesting that in English we sometimes describe intercourse as screwing, but in actuality many couples don’t actually “screw” each other. In other words, they don’t rotate their bodies in circles. While most people consider the term vulgar, when it is actually done it can be sublime in its pleasure. Instead of simply thrusting forward and pulling back, you can instead “screw” your hips or, even better, your sacrum in half circles, first on side and then on the other.

Experienced lovers the world over have discovered the importance of using one’s pelvis during lovemaking. The hips are good, but according to the Taoists, it is the sacrum that really controls the penis for the man. To find your sacrum, place the palm of your hand at the base of your spine with the tip of your longest finger in the valley of your buttocks. Underneath your palm is your sacrum (now: please wash your hands. LOL!). This form of screwing has the potential to keep you connected in pleasure for an extended period of time. To use the language of the Tao, a nail (going in straight) comes out easily, but a screw (circling) stays for a long time.

Okay, that’s enough for today. I’m giving away too many secrets!

Love,

Eddie

PS: sex is good for you!

The Friday Sex Blog [Normal, pt. II]

¡Hola! Everybody...
This Sunday is the Puerto Rican Day Parade -- still the largest outdoor event in the United States. Right now, members of the privileged class living on some of the most expensive real estate in the known universe are frantically making last minute reservations to get away from the dreaded annual invasion of the millions of unwashed masses of Puerto Ricans (and Latino/as from all over the world and African Americans looking for PR injections). Fuck ‘em... WEPA!

You get to be a PR this weekend. I will be giving out free PR injections in my capacity as the Official Spokesperson for All Nuyoricans (women only need apply, sorry).

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from “Porky's” (1982)
(l) Mark Herrier peers through one hole into the girls’ shower room, while Wyatt Knight exposes himself through another hole.
(r) Kaki Hunter (far right) and the other girls in the shower room sense that they are being watched and go to investigate.

-=[ Are You Normal?]=-

Yesterday, I posted a blog about relationship addictions. I submitted that a large part of relationship dysfunctions have their roots in social norms. It was connected to a line of thought I began last week -- an exploration into normalcy . Actually, I used Sex and the City to show how popular culture often defines normalcy. In addition, I showed how shifting sexual attitudes have liberated sex from the grip of religious institutions. As a result, the primary purpose of marriage has shifted from economic necessity and procreation to companionship. How we measure success (or “happiness”) today includes physical vitality and life enjoyment. Changes in social attitudes and advancements in contraception have allowed women to view sexuality as separate from reproduction and a legitimate vehicle for self-expression and, yes... pleasure.

These changes, I argued, resulted in an increased importance of sex in relationships and how we define ourselves. People today are relying on personal relationships to provide a sense of worth. Sexuality, with its ties to intimacy and our inner emotional lives, has become an essential part of that identity. This is why so many people are looking for guidance in the sexual arena. It is why so many people often ask the question (especially in sexual matters), “Is this normal?”

Today, I’m going to attempt to explore the concept of “normalcy,” which really isn’t as simple as many of us make it to be. I will also show that while sex has been freed from the clutches of religious repression, it has been medicalized. Today sexuality is not so much morality (evil versus good) as much as about psychological normality (deviant versus normal).

So, what is normalcy? There are several ways to answer this question...

First, there is the subjective answer. According to this definition, I am normal, and so is anyone who is the same as me. Secretly, this is the definition most of use, though we would never admit it publicly.

Then there is the statistical definition which views whatever behaviors are most common as normal; less frequent ones are abnormal. If you conduct a survey, ask people what kinds of sexual activities they have engaged in the past five years, and graph the results on a curve, the most frequent responses will be those in the middle, with the extreme highs and lows at the ends. The idea of normalcy as something that is not too low or not too high is based on the statistical viewpoint. In our culture today, “too little sex” has joined “too much sex” as cause for concern.

From the idealistic perspective, normal means perfect, an ideal to be striven for. Those who model their behavior on Christ or Gandhi, for example, are taking an ideal for their norm, against which they measure all other deviations.

Without being aware of it, most of us use the cultural definition as the standard for what is normal. This measure illustrates why our ideas of normal do not always agree with those of people from other cultures or countries. Bare breasts or men kissing public are normal in one place but abnormal in another. In addition, it is common for deviant behavior to be perceived as dangerous or threatening in a culture that rejects it, although the same behavior may be common and harmless in another culture. Mouth-to-mouth kissing is a great example. For a significant part of the world, mouth-to-mouth kissing is regarded as unsanitary and disgusting, and yet in Europe and North America it’s a source of intimacy and arousal.

The above definitions are for the most part subjective. In other words, they seem to depend on individual or group opinion rather than on “objective” evidence. This brings me to the final way of defining normalcy and that’s the clinical perspective. The clinical standard, technically speaking, uses scientific data about health and illness to make judgments. This is what should contrast the clinical perspective from the rest. For example, a specific blood pressure, diet, or activity is considered clinically abnormal when research shows that it is related to disease or disability. In this context, cultural or subjective norms shouldn’t matter.

However, using the clinical standard when it comes to human behavior is problematic. Who’s to say, for example, that an absence of interest in sex is abnormal? What sickness does sexual avoidance bring about? What’s the disability? Obviously, such a person misses out on a life experience valued by many people, but is “avoiding” sex the same as avoiding dietary essentials? At worse, it’s more like avoiding traveling or taking risks.

I would submit that much of the clinical standards established for sexuality are based on cultural and class opinion dressed up in scientific language. For example, sexual habits and preferences that do not conform to the procreative model of sex are the ones considered deviant. From lack of erection and orgasm to preference to masturbation and oral sex over intercourse to involvement of pain or items of clothing in sexual role-play -- almost everything that listed as psychiatrically abnormal refers to sexual practice that deviates from a preference for heterosexual sex as the standard. And it wasn’t until 1973 that the psychiatric community was pressured to “declassify” homosexuality as deviant.

A persistent interest in unconventional sexual expression is often seen by clinicians as evidence of deviance or abnormality. Although I agree that such patterns could be evidence of underlying psychological problems, I would require corroborating evidence from other parts of a person’s life.

The issue (and where I will leave it for now) brings me back to Sex and The City. The reason why Sex and the City is so popular is that it helps many women define “normalcy.” And “normalcy” -- at least for the women portrayed in Sex and The City -- is more about conforming (i.e., getting a man/ married), than personal liberation. You see, the problem is that the existence of standards of normality is that it breeds harmful psychological consequences for those who deviate. This is known as “social control.” and once norms become clinical standards, it’s very difficult to identify those psychological problems that might not exist if social conformity weren’t so important.

But that’s for next week... LOL

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [Normal, pt. I]

¡Hola! Everybody…
I’m still amazed at how some acquaintances make casual racist remarks and then become belligerent when it is pointed out to them. It’s as if they believe I should take whatever they say in stride. I don’t find this to be as true in my “real life” interactions, but it happens almost daily on the internet. Maybe I shouldn’t be “amazed.”

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-=[ Are You Normal? ]=-

Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?

-- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I loathe Sex and the City. I will admit to watching it in the beginning, but it quickly grated on my nerves. Why? Well, aside from the rampant devotion to consumerism, the main raison d’etre for the show was… marriage. Three grown-assed women, highly skilled, well-educated, beautiful, and ultimately their sense of worth was predicated on whether they could rope a man. To be fair, the book that inspired the series (and now two films) is completely different. In many ways, the book is affirming and positive.

Perhaps it’s because I am a man (blah blah blah) that I don’t “get it,” and you know what? I don’t want to get it. However, one of the things I liked about Sex and the City was the sex talk. It was one of the few shows that spoke openly and frankly about sex. It also showed how modern sexuality is intrinsically connected to how we view ourselves -- our self-worth. And then there’s always the question about “what is normal.”

I hate to generalize but I am going to do it right now ::grin::

From my (admittedly male-dominated) perspective, women are more likely to internalize situations. For example, whenever women talk about a sexual problem they’ll usually follow with, “Is there something wrong with me?” Most men I know would never even dream to ask such a question. I am not trying to put down women here, folks, I am making an observation. I do think women generally tend to internalize while men tend to externalize.

Sex and the City actually built a successful fan base by exploiting these tendencies. Not married? Then something must be wrong with you. Unable to maintain a long-term relationship? That’s not “normal.” That hunk of a boyfriend can’t bring you to orgasm? Something is definitely wrong with you. Sure, he’s commitment-phobic, or an asshole, or a self-centered slob, but in the end, who’s left feeling “less than”? In fact, most of the mental ruminations of the lead character, Carrie Bradshaw, center on questions of normalcy. Sure, these three women are sexually aware and unafraid of exploring their sexuality, but in the final analysis the central premise of the series (if not explicit certainly implicit) came down to, “Is there something wrong with me?”

The paradox is that the presentation of the “problem” is often framed differently. For example, a friend explained that her husband hasn’t touched her in months and wanted me to explain her husband’s problem (someone I barely know). Another despaired that a friend was pressuring her to have sex, when all she wants is to maintain the friendship. She’s afraid that if she consents, that the friendship will take a backseat to the sex. She prefers the friendship, though she would be more than happy to have sex with him (if it didn’t affect the friendship). Finally, another complains to me that the men she’s meeting are requesting “freaky sex,” sex she oftentimes finds at best deviant, at worst demeaning. She asks, “Is this normal?”

My sense is that while women are intellectually aware that sexual and intimacy problems aren’t their problem alone, emotionally they feel something is wrong with them. To be fair, the way modern sexuality is constructed, everyone’s self-esteem is intimately tied to it.

These women have been unable to get the men in their lives to give them straight answers, have not gotten answers at all, or haven’t been able to ask the men directly about the problem. In my experience, the average person doesn’t fully appreciate how most complex sexual problems are solved “merely” with improved communication, but as anyone with any experience knows, it’s extremely difficult to change communication patterns established by couples.

I am also struck by the fact that most of the questions do not emphasize sexual “function” or pleasure, so much as the psychological gratifications related to sex. The first woman misses intimacy, closeness, and the feeling of being desired. The second woman wants to maintain her self-esteem and does not want to feel betrayed. The third woman wants her expectations met and wants to feel respected.

Why are people so eager to ask these questions? The easy (overly simplistic answer) is that questions about sexuality have always existed in people’s minds, but discussing sexual matters openly has only recently been accepted. This is something Sex and the City certainly proves. Dramatic changes in broadcasting and publishing rules about explicit sexual language and imagery, this argument goes, have served to open the floodgates of a public discussion of sexual issues that have been on people’s minds since, like, forever.

Another hypothesis is that people today are less willing to put up with sexual dissatisfaction and less embarrassed to try to make things better.

I believe the explosion of sexual discussion and the epidemic of insecurity is generated by a new social construction: the idea that sexual functioning and intimacy is a central, if not the central, aspect of a relationship. Such an emphasis certainly leads to a tremendous preoccupation with sex and intimacy, and a greater need for guidance, education, support, and a variety of services.

The recent importance given to sexuality and emotional intimacy in relationships is one result of large social changes in how we view marriage and life. Marriage is no longer merely about economic necessity. The purpose of marriage is about companionship and as a result there are changes in its obligations and expectations. Changes in social attitudes and advancements in contraception have freed women to view sexuality as separate from reproduction and now see it as a path for personal evolution, self-expression, and pleasure. Finally (and most importantly), people today are relying on personal relationships to provide a sense of worth they otherwise lack in their public lives.

These, and other, social changes provide the basis for a reconstructed sexuality in modern life. But most people are not prepared for the increased importance of sex in relationships and personal identity. Sex, for the most part, is still a private and secret matter. Most people, for example, do not talk honestly about sexual activity, and until recently there was no formal education in public schools about sex.

Until very recently, norms for sexual activity came from religious authorities who were mostly concerned with enforcing control and moral boundaries. Sexual activity was governed by an outmoded right/ wrong mentality, with homosexuality, masturbation, and multiple sexual partners deemed as morally reprehensible behavior. As religious authority over everyday activities eroded and the authority of science and science-based medicine grew, deviations from socially accepted behavior came to be seen less as a violation of god’s law and more the product of sick minds. The authority for interpreting deviations of behavior shifted from the domain of sin an evil to that of disorder and abnormality. In other words, we’re back to “what is normal?”

But that discussion will have to wait till next week.

Love,

Eddie