The Friday Sex Blog [Open Relationships]

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The TGIF Sex Blog (Cheating)

¡Hola! Everybody...
By now, there are literally tens of millions of blogs and messages, articles, and news shows dedicated to the passing of Michael Jackson. The best I can say is that I cannot judge MJ (nor do I want to). Very few of us would be able to handle the glare of the spotlight thrust upon MJ since the age of five. Under such scrutiny, which one of you can say you would not be humiliated by something rattling in your closet?

MJ was a human being who shared his remarkable creative gift with millions. In the end, I can only judge him by the inherent joy that was emblematic of his art. His actions will reverberate throughout time long after we are all dust in the wind. RIP, Michael...

* * *

-=[ Can’t We Just be friends? ]=-

... A very dear friend.

-- Governor Mark Sanford on his Argentina Tail

Watching the Sanford press conference debacle I actually laughed at the above quote (Yeah, right! you don’t shtup your friends, buddy!). But it got me to thinking... can married men and women be friends with the opposite sex? Some (such as myself) would say it’s not impossible; others would say it’s impractical (or question the desire to do so).

One of my best friends is a married woman. We’ve known each for years. While we certainly don’t hang with each as we used to before her marriage, we do keep in touch regularly and sometimes we even go out for brunch or a movie with her husband’s blessing (“Please!” he’ll joke, “take her somewhere, Eddie!” LOL!). However, I will readily admit that ours is a rare and beautiful relationship based on mutual respect and love. I would never want to do anything that would result in the betrayal of her (and her husband’s) implicit trust. I think we all get off on the fact that we’re close like that.

I’m sure there are others that have managed to pull it off, but for some it can be risky, and the cynical among us might as, “Why take the risk?”

Nothing is wrong with married people wanting opposite-sex friends. Actually, I believe it is abnormal to have only same-sex friends. I guess the important question here is if you’re able to handle the responsibility that comes with the relationship. We always believe we can handle a temptation until we discover that we cannot.

I don’t believe that having an opposite-sex friend puts you in danger of emotional and sexual infidelity. The friendship doesn’t cause the action, if you’re having thoughts of infidelity, they will occur whether you have opposite sex friends or not. What an opposite-sex friendship will do is make you confront that issue at some point or another.

If spending “quality time” becomes a way of relying on a friend in the way that you should rely on your husband or wife, then that is a problem. Having that emotional closeness to another person at the exclusion of your mate could result in you feeling emotionally closer to your friend than to your spouse, paving the way to an intimacy that might lead to a physical affair. Again, if this is happening, it’s not the friendship that is the cause. Rather, it might be a sign that you’re making certain unhealthy choices for some unknown (or known) reason. Of course, there’s always the chance of becoming physically attracted to a friend. Only one of the two of you needs to initiate the physical contact, and once started, you may not want to--or think you are able to--stop.

When I was married and attending university, I was surrounded by very young, very attractive women who were beginning to explore the boundaries of their sexuality. I have a rule of thumb with certain things, it’s called “people, places, and things.” If I want to avoid drinking, for example, I avoid, people places and things that might tempt me to drink. One big mistake with infidelity is that we think we can resist the temptation until we realize (often too late) that we can’t. Sometimes we aren’t as strong as we believe, which is how infidelity starts. If you know that you may be tempted by a relationship outside your marriage, or that you have an ego that you need to constantly feed with attention from the opposite sex, then you can probably guess that if your “friend” is right there willing and able, you might not resist.

That’s why I used to avoid college women like the plague. My ex and I would laugh at some of the things that happened -- the attempts at seduction, the propositions, etc. and yes, I would share these things with my wife at the time because I wanted it all to be transparent.

For me, any relationship should be predicated on implicit trust. I like to think that my ex never thought for a moment that I would cheat on her. Our relationship evolved to the point where we took different roads, but there was never any betrayal of trust. And I have many women friends, something my ex handled quite well. In fact, some of my friends became her friends and I would accuse her of stealing my friends! LOL!

Honestly, yes, we (men and women) can be friends, but only if the persons involved are secure in their emotional needs and sufficiently evolved.

On the other hand, so many affairs start with two people who thought they were just going to be friends, thinking that all they were going to do is have innocent interactions -- that as long as they’re not having sex, everything is fine. It is ... until it’s not.

Love,

Eddie

Monday Madness (Being "Thirsty")

¡Hola! Everybody...
Another scorcher in The Big City today! My apartment is, like, ten-fifteen degrees cooler than the outside. I slept last night with no air conditioner at all!

I would like to clarify something for the good people here on the internet. I think it’s important. I never throw myself at women, nor do I persist in chasing women who express a desire to be left alone. If you know me, you know that I’m pretty much upfront about my intentions and feelings ad I put my cards on the table. If I like a woman, I let her know and if she tells me the feelings are reciprocated, I accept it and move on. Most of the time, I end up becoming friends with such women.

The vast majority of my friends are women. The women in my life joke about this all the time, saying that I like being in the hen house.

I say all this because it seems people were getting the impression that a certain young lady wasn’t accepting my advances on 360. I have never stuck around a woman, or pushed up on a woman that didn’t want me to. For the most part, 90% of my interaction in terms of romance takes place outside of 360. The other 10% is a lot of notorious flirting.

I feel silly having to say this, but I would hate for women who don’t know me to get the impression that I’m some kind of thirsty blowhard.

It’s the 21^st century, folks, and there are plenty of opportunities to get with women, I don’t need to push up on women who spurn my advances.

Today's actual blog is under construction...

The Friday Sex Blog [Polyamory/ Open Relationships]

¡Hola! Everybody,
I’ve been extremely busy all day. My boss decided it was a great idea to have a meeting at the end of day on the Friday before a long holiday weekend. Where is the wisdom in that, I ask?

Grrrrrr…

I haven’t been able to put the finishing touches on a sex blog I was working on, so I’m reposting the following, written about a year ago.

* * *

-=[ Polyamory/ Open Relationships ]=-

Is Monogamy Obsolete?

Okay, a little self-disclosure that will probably take me out the “The One” Sweepstakes! You all know I like stories…

Late 1970s- early 80s and I’m living in Houston totally immersed in a relationship with a complete psycho trust fund baby. I never did heed my father’s warning not to sleep with anyone crazier than myself. So there I was on the SW Freeway embroiled in an intense argument with an irrationally insane jealous woman. It was one of those that had devolved into insightfully delightful give and takes such as:

Her: “Fuck you, Eddie.”

Me: “No, FUCK YOU, bitch!”

She used to take out her anger on her driving so I requested to be let off and she did. There I was on the SW Freeway, stranded. I had never done this before and I had just moved to Houston, but out of sheer necessity, I stuck out my thumb and hitchhiked. Within minutes, two women in a Volkswagen picked me up and we struck up a conversation. I noticed they were gorgeous, young, and very energetic. I’m a total flirt and we began this whole elaborate, sexually-charged conversation, when I noticed that they had skipped my exit. When I informed them, the young lady in the passenger seat turned around and with great mischief in her eyes, informed me, “We know, sweetie, we’re kidnapping you.”

I never pray, but I looked up to the heavens and mouthed the words, “Thank you God!” and she laughed. Little did I know then that these two women would leave an indelible mark in my life. Everything, from the way I view sex, relationships, and jealousy was transformed as a result of my relationship with these two women. To be short, Jodie and Demetria were lovers who eventually became my lovers.

In my twenties, in a relationship with two gorgeous, sexually uninhibited women? Heaven! I think at first the intention was to have this casual hook-up and let it go, but there was a connection that was almost immediate, and we stuck around. This was my first experience with what we called at the time, an “open relationship.”

Eventually, Demetria and I would develop deeper feelings and she became my primary relationship. Wait! I’m using terminology that may be foreign to breeders (the term I use for monogamous people, LOL). Contrary to what you may think, living within an open relationship is not a free-for-all sex fest. There are boundaries, considerations, and honesty that almost unique to an open relationship. I could get into all this but it would be ridiculously long and incomplete. I would suggest the book, The Ethical Slut, for anyone interested in the many forms of polyamory or open relationships. The chapter on jealousy alone is worth the price and that’s what I’m going to address here as briefly as possible.

Everything went fine at first. It was me and Jodie and Demetria and we were fuckin’ up a storm! I was also getting a crash course in cunnilingus, the G-Spot, and exploring the sexual frontiers available to us in ways that was totally liberating. There was communication and needs and wants were discussed early and I was clear on all of it, intellectually.

Yeah, I was cool with everything until the day Demetria met a man she wanted to have sex with. That got me twisted! LOL! We got into some power/ drama play, but she made it clear that the ground rules for the relationship were set from the beginning and if I couldn’t deal with it, then maybe I wasn’t ready to be in an open relationship.

And I really wasn’t. However, I had a lot of affection for Demetria and Jodie, so I tried to deal with my feelings of jealousy. At first, I thought it impossible and even left, promising myself I wouldn’t come back. Instead, I stayed home and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience the jealousy without becoming overwhelmed. Eventually, I was able to see through the jealousy and see it really wasn’t about Demetria or betrayal, but my own deeply felt insecurity that served as a roadblock to loving deeply and openly.

Demetria was one the most loving, knowledgeable, supportive lovers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I grew because of my relationship with her and she too had her moments of jealousy and doubts. The thing that made it different was that everything was on the table for discussion. There was a complete and fearless honesty in that relationship that has been rare. We were able to discuss almost anything in a supportive and loving environment and that went a long way towards dissolving my own insecurities and allowing myself to be loved.

I would spend half of the 1980s involved in open relationships and as I grow older, I am again questioning the wisdom of monogamous relationships. The older I get, the more I question the assumption that one person has to be the be all and end all of a relationship. One thing is for sure, my life has been richer because of these experiences.

References/ External Links

Easton, D., & Liszt, C. A. (1997). The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. San Francisco: Greenery Press.

Anapol, D. M. (1997). Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships (Paperback). San Rafael, CA: Intinet Resource Center.

Polyamory page at Sexuality.org

Frequently-Asked Questions by the Ravenhearts

Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality: Polyamory

With Open Hands: A Guidebook to Open Relationships A short advice booklet for people new to polyamory by Paxus Calta.