The Friday Sex Blog [In Praise of Darkness]

¡Hola! Everybody…
The nip is in the air: the message that autumn will arrive, dressed to the teeth, at that moment when you most need change… I’m going to get dressed just because I feel like it. LOL

* * *

-=[ Doing it in the Dark ]=-

Cuddle up baby
Keep it all out of sight
Undercover of the night.
-- Rolling Stones

I'm guilty. I am guilty of equating sex in the dark with shame. Truth be told, sex is the only game we play in the dark. Are we ashamed to watch what we’re doing, or does darkness offer a way to free our most intimate passions?

Darkness offers a safe haven. In the darkness, lovers are safe from each other’s unrelenting gaze, and the prying eyes of others -- children, parents, and neighbors. To the extent that you want to deny others knowledge of you as a sexual person, you will welcome the protection of the dark.

Under the cover of darkness, we are all beautiful. Flab, cellulite, sags, spots, and wrinkles are all mercifully hidden. Out of focus, the often comical contortions and grimaces of sexual exertion become a graceful ballet. If you find down-to-earth images of skin and sweat distracting, you will welcome the camouflage of the dark.

Darkness confers permission and in the permissive darkness, sin and taboo are softened. Transgressions transpire without witness. If your upbringing and social conditioning stressed sexual inhibitions, you might seek, even require, the tolerance that comes with the dark.

Obscured by the darkness, the cracks in your life -- or the ceiling -- lose their urgency. Right here, right now, under the covers, in the half-dark with air as still as held breath, close together, more connected, more alive, the details of everyday existence a faded memory. In the dark it’s just the two of you, two streams of crackling energy knitting together, entwining, tightening, forming a kind of growing liquid knot that becomes more complex, twisting in and of itself, the focus limited to completing that knot, to finding its ultimate expression, until you’re immersed into a blaze of sexuality.

We live in an image-obsessed culture, and once we are blinded by the darkness we are forced to use our other senses. We rediscover touch, sound, aroma. Encumbered by clothing, we are chronically deprived of the variety and possibilities of the pleasures and comforts available through touch.

Emboldened by the darkness, we become audacious, our words and rhythms betraying a lusty eagerness we might otherwise deny. Shyness can be slain in the dark. In the unconditional privacy of the darkness, we can exaggerate and improve our actual experience through our imagination. Our deeper wishes fulfilled, we feel deeper love and greater passion. Through our imagination, we become more engaged in reality. To those of us who cherish our fantasies, darkness is an ally.

The trouble with darkness, it seems to me, that you can’t see what you’re doing. You can’t really see how your partner is reacting. You can’t gaze into each other’s eyes. Travelers afraid of the sexual territory tend to stick to the familiar and sex in the dark often becomes a routine and dry exercise. I think the biggest objection is that people tend to see nudity or nakedness as a sin of immodesty. But c’mon people, we’re talking here of a candle and some moonlight, not film shoot spotlight. But many of us have a hard time believing that anyone would enjoy seeing our genitals. This is especially true of women who have been repeatedly told they are cursed, or dirty. Many women are so paralyzed by shame they even avoid medical examination “down there.” Modesty, my brothers and sisters is often shame in disguise.

Perhaps because of the taboos put upon showing and looking, such acts can be slowly introduced as a final revelation of trust between two lovers. Perhaps the darkness can soften the way a little, so that full openness is something natural and not forced. Otherwise our nakedness becomes a sham -- empty gestures of intimacy.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Sex and Lies, pt. I]

¡Hola! Everybody...

Well, this weekend marks the official end of summer. Personally, I would like to extend my gratitude to all the women who, in the quest for attention, paraded their scantily and seductively clad teats and asses for my benefit. I want you all to know that your efforts are truly appreciated. Keep up the good work!

* * *

-=[ Sex Lies, pt. I ]=-

Men aren’t looking for true intimacy and liberation; they’re just looking to get laid.

This myth is one of my pet peeves. I hear it all the time and it’s up there with the lie that women aren’t looking to get laid. Bullshit.

The fact of the matter is not many people of either sex are actually looking for liberation, at least not until a very long and weary trail of life-long disappointments. And those “declaring” a need for intimacy have a funny definition for the word because intimacy requires surrender and trust and how many people have you met that are truly willing to open up and not merely pay lip service to what amounts to a vague notion of intimacy?

Liberation and intimacy is not something that’s really at the top of people’s list of things to do, right up there with finding that job, or “The One.” Perhaps this is an indication of out of whack priorities or lack of concern for substance, but personal growth is not a top priority and that’s certainly not an attitude limited to men.

Of course, men are expected to be horny -- all the time. God forbid a man would tell his mate he has a headache. LOL! We’re supposed to be at the ready, rock-hard cock in hand, at a moment’s notice. We’re perceived as natural for wanting sex, but that desire is also viewed as weak because the “little head” will eventually lead the “big head” astray, as if our fantasies were our vulnerable spot, our inherent weakness. And don’t you ladies have a grand laugh when you view the results. The ambiguity is such that you grant men sexual feeling as if it were inevitable, but then ridicule us for what you believe is our unavoidable undoing.

But what is this desire after all? I’ll tell you what it is: it’s the wish to feel sexual ecstasy with another person, to feel yourself completely inside another person’s body, to feel your own body open and wanting. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a noble purpose to aspire to and it deserves respect.

“But Eddie,” you might say, “it’s not always like that! Some people are totally removed and distant when they’re having sex; it’s all about ego, a notch on the belt.” And my response to that is: And?

Sure, there are some cold motherfuckers out there, whipping it in and out and walking away. The true irony is that even their stunted efforts are a warped search for connection -- for that fleeting moment ego defenses disappear, tumbling down and opening -- however fleeting -- to a connection in which they feel something superior and more complete than at any other time.

Shit, If we men can’t express that longing to our lovers, openly and without fear of being stigmatized, it’s not because there’s something twisted about sexual desire that serves to get in the way; it’s that fuckin’ committee in the brain that shames us and shuts us up. Yet every time we get laid, that’s another opportunity for opening up, for a chance to discover true intimacy.

Face it: A man who wants to get laid, is a man who wants to stay in the human race. Instead of ridiculing or marginalizing that yearning, why don’t we as a society perceive it as a positive and look more carefully at the nature of his sexual motivations.

It often seems like a miracle when you first cross that erotic bridge and discover that someone wants you. Especially if you’re convinced that you will be forever alone and unloved in this cold world. And you get laid -- again and again -- and the confidence acquired leads to you to new questions and new answers about the value of sex, about a lover’s needs and companionship in our lives, about this embodied sense of adventure and mystery.

And you know what? At that point, some of us are experiencing sexual liberation, whether we’re giving it a name or not. Some men will begin to question accepted norms of what a man is supposed to do and act like and will no doubt find many things oppressive and unnecessary. Just in case you haven’t received the memo, ladies, most men don’t want to sacrifice their emotions and sexual expression to outdated, anxiety-provoking and harmful concepts of masculinity. This is the first stage of the sexual liberation: not buying into outdated models of manhood and masculinity. Refusing to buy into or questioning the way things are is a revolutionary attempt of liberation in itself. It is a subversive act.

You should be happy to meet such a man for he still harbors a hope that there’s something better out there.

And he’s right.

Love,

Eddie

The Sex Blog [Relationship Challenges]

¡Hola! Everybody,
Change is hard! LOL But it’s the only constant -- even the surest things change. Gotta love this ride we call “life”!

* * *

-=[ The Challenge of Relationships ]=-

I am playing the game I suppose,
out of habits
learned long ago,
but I have been in these waters
far longer than
even my tired eyes could tell you.

Okay, so I’m going to start out by copping to the fact that I’m not all that great in the relationship arena. I don’t even have a pet… Therefore, take the rest with a grain of salt.

Something happens when I realize I’m feeling deeply for a woman and how painfully clear it is that considering a relationship is a lot like standing at the abyss and jumping. In other words, along with feelings, there comes the realization that I am also becoming vulnerable to that person I have feelings for. And that’s not a great revelation for me because, I have to admit, it’s scary.

There, I said it: relationships scare me.

It’s not a fear of commitment, that’s not it. I have and can commit to living with another person. The part that’s fearful is the part of being vulnerable. Believe me, there are plenty of people who are in committed relationships who choose not to be vulnerable. It’s not that hard. You can be in a long-term, committed relationship and not really share deep intimacy. I see it all the time. But because of the kind of person I am, when I open and give, it’s about going…

All.

The.

Way.

That’s why I’ve previously admitted that beginnings are extremely difficult at times with yours truly. If I’m seeing you and we both know there’s a surrender looming in the near future -- we’re both feeling these feelings and we know it’s headed somewhere -- then I’m not holding much of anything back. I’m not saying that I’m blabbing everything out by the third date, or that I immediately go overboard. LOL! That’s closer to codependency, not love. I am saying that I work at being transparent. I don’t play hide and seek. If I’m feeling something, I will look you in the eyes and let you know, “Sweetie, I don’t know how or why, but I’m starting to have these feelings… ” I won’t play The Game. The one thing you can always count on with me, is that you will always know where I stand (sometimes this is not such a good thing).

Sometimes I think that I’m too transparent or honest for my own good, but that’s how I roll: I put my cards on the table and lay it out as I see and feel it. I believe there are many people out there who see my stance as too idealistic. That people really can’t be totally open to one another. Worse, there are others who will use that. Those who would manipulate my transparency don’t last, because, shit, I’ve been veteran of the Love Wars for longer than even my tired eyes could tell you. I’m not going to let you use me that way. I’d rather go home, curl up in a fetal position, and ride that hurt -- that energy -- until I’m done with it.

Still, there’s a lot of anxiety around opening up to another in that way. Sometimes what helps me are basic reassurances. I’m like a kid in more ways than one. Something simple such as a “hello” or a passing show of affection goes a long way with me. It’s ironic because those things can be easily faked to some degree, but if I’m getting the attention and shows of affection, I’m not as anxious. Some women don’t like men like that, but it’s who I am. A kiss, a note, a surprise fuck, even just an unbidden and tender smile soothes me and lets me know that, though there aren’t any guarantees in life, you’re there and you’re somehow saying that we’re moving forward -- that you’re there with me, feeling me.

In other words, I need tons of affection! LOL!

You see, I’m really not all that complicated. If we were together, all it would take is that you throw some food at me, pay lots of attention and some sex here and there, and I’m straight.

I’m kidding. I guess what I’m saying is that relationships aren’t easy and when I resolve to engage in a relationship, I don’t take that lightly. Dearest, relationships, despite what you have been told, aren’t games. I’m also saying that a couple needs to reassure one another, especially in the beginning, when things are not so clear. Sometimes what makes the difference between having Mr./ Ms. Right as opposed to Mr./ Ms. Right (now), is how you open up to that person.

I’m just sayin’

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Sexuality]

¡Hola! Everybody…
It’s Friday and you know what that means: it’s all about sex up in here. My Friday blog is usually extra nasty and sexually graphic and profane. Some people even say it smells nasty. If you don’t like that shit, or worship a God that disapproves of fucking, then get the fuck outta here… Now. LOL!

* * *

-=[ Your Sexuality ]=-

Yes, there was a basic attraction that was true enough. But there was also a wild beast-like hunger for every inch of your body, every secret niche and shameful part of it, every smell. It yearned to throw you under me on your belly and fuck you from behind, riding you mercilessly, relishing in the musky smell wafting from your ass, glorifying in penetrating your reddened cheeks, your helpless cries and tangled hair -- in ruthlessly taking your offering…

You are a sexual person since before the day you are born – from the womb to the tomb. Part of a healthy sexual attitude includes understanding sex as a positive aspect of life. Maintaining an affirmative sexuality and expressing sexuality in a manner that improves your life is necessary for developing the capacity for intimacy.

This perspective is vastly different from the traditional double standard that most follow. Anti-sex conditioning and negative attitudes regarding sexuality -- especially that sex is “dirty,” that men and women are sexually different/ incompatible -- creates sexual dysfunction and separates us from our basic nature. Sexuality is a normal way for you to express your human need for touching, sharing, and pleasuring. This need is equally valid for men and women.

The good news is that you can undo the conditioning and increase your sexual awareness and comfort. This does not mean that you have to feel sexual and perform at any time, in any situation, with any partner. That is the sexual pressure placed by tradition on the shoulders of men. It is a dehumanizing perspective of male sexuality. Equally dehumanizing is the traditional imperative that females should not to be sexual at any time, in any situation, or with any person other than her husband or intimate partner-- and even then not be carried away with passion. I am amazed at the vast numbers of women going without sex these days.

Yes, you can learn to be comfortable with your sexuality and more accepting of yourself as an essentially sexual person. The wonderful truth of the matter is that you have the choice to be sexual at a time and in a manner where you can truthfully celebrate healthy sexual expression.

There are many ways we learn about sexuality, but the most primal one is through touch. The touching you received from your mother and father as a child is important; so is your own touching to explore your body. Before the age of six months, children discover the positive sensations of touching their genitals. Was playing with your penis or vulva accepted by the parent as normal and healthy, or were your hands slapped while being told: “No! That’s dirty!”?

My point here is not to get into a blame game for sexual dysfunction; your parents were acting out according to the sexual scripts that were handed down to them. It has only recently emerged that childhood sexual curiosity and exploration are a healthy part of human development. However, it is my belief that as adults we can learn to undo negative sexual conditioning and build a healthy sexual awareness and sexual self-esteem.

There’s a lesson for all of us in a child touching herself that we need to heed. The child is experiencing positive, pleasurable feelings, not genitally focused sexual arousal.

Sensuality is the basis for sexuality.

The child feels she’s entitled to the warm, comfortable feelings of sensual touch. Genital exploration and stimulation are a natural extension of sensuous touch.

That’s the gist of it all. No one, or no book, can teach you nor force a sexual response. No one can teach you how to become sexually aroused and have an orgasm. The potential for sexual response is natural. What you can learn is awareness of sensual and sexual stimuli, how to nurture and cultivate sexual desire, the importance of clear and direct communication, and active involvement in giving and receiving pleasure. You have to be open to your sexuality, not inhibited by the obstacles that interfere with healthy sexual expression.

The most common obstacle to uninhibited sexuality is goal-oriented sex. That’s not sensuality, but a fast food version of sexuality. I call it “Mickey Dee sex.” No wonder so many women pack it up! (Use it or lose it, bitches. LOL!). Goal-oriented sex -- sex in which the ends (orgasm) supersede the process (sensuality) -- leads to a lot of emotional wreckage. The list is exhausting: performance anxiety, peer pressure, forced sexual response, use of sex as a weapon in an argument or power struggle, use of sex for manipulation -- and on and on the list goes.

Sex is not a performance to prove something to yourself or you partner, it’s not a spectator sport in the sense that it’s not a competition to see who can have the best orgasm, or last the longest, or anything like that. You hear people talking about sex in the most degrading manner: “I did that bitch,” “Girl, I did that ma’fucca so good he gave me his PIN number.” People seem to focus on technique as if being a sexual acrobat can make them a good lover and that’s so much bullshit.

In any case, that’s not sex, it’s rutting. In fact, it’s not even good rutting. I’m all for rutting, as long as it’s a good rut. Otherwise, I’d rather jerk off.

Sexual awareness is about being open and receptive to affectionate, playful, erotic, and intimate touch. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasurable touch.

Sensuality is not something you either have or do not. It’s a range of attitudes, behaviors, and feelings which reflect you as a sexual person. Remember: sex is a good thing

::Martha Stewart smile::

Sexuality is a major part of who you are as a human being and your personality. You are responsible for your sexuality; express it so that it enhances your life and intimate relationships.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Escape from Intimacy]

¡Hola! Everybody…
I think we need more stuff like this:

The Clap-Off Bra from Randy Sarafan on Vimeo.

LOL!

You know the drill: if it’s Friday, it’s all about sex…

* * *

-=[ Intimacy & Relationships ]=-

Ahhhhh… Intimacy, the brass ring of coupling.

I’m going to be confrontational today and say right off the bat that most people wouldn’t know true intimacy even if it bit them on the ass. In fact, most people don’t want genuine intimacy, they want their needs met; that’s a horse of a different color, folks.

And I say this fully aware that I am a man writing about intimacy in a sexual context and that many women would perceive that as an impossible situation. LOL! In addition, I don’t even own a cat and probably have no business pontificating about relationships in the first place.

However, I have found that what people term intimacy is in actuality a perverted (distorted?) notion of what genuine intimacy entails. Contrary to the stereotype, men have no monopoly on the fear of intimacy. Women also fear intimacy, though in different ways than men. The same goes for emotions. Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t more emotionally aware than men, they just [mis]handle it differently. Emotional indulgence, just as its opposite -- emotional aversion -- does not equal emotional intelligence.

I have been single by choice for about 8-9 years -- since my divorce. This is a conscious choice, not an accident. I am not “between relationships.” This is part of who I am -- I am single. Many people don’t get this. They see it as you’re-single-until-the-next-relationship kinda/ sorta thingee. After all, it isn’t normal to not be in a relationship. The whole reason for existence is to hook up, no?

sheesh!

I’ll tell you why I am single, or at least part of the reason why I’m single. I am single because I have yet to meet someone who’s willing to be truly intimate. Women tell me all the time they want intimacy but what they really mean is that they have needs and I have to fulfill those needs somehow and when I do fulfill those needs that means we’re “intimate.” Of course, they don’t phrase in that way, but that’s what they mean.

I know.

Most people don’t even have a relationship with themselves to begin with. The search for “The One” is scary in this context. Do you people even realize the amount of pressure you put on a relationship these days? It’s as if I have to fulfill this vast range of roles and make you happy to boot! Lover, husband, father, mentor, mentee, soul mate, financial advisor, therapist, and counselor -- the list goes on and on.

Is it no small surprise that many relationships crash and burn? I think the first thing we need to look at is realistic expectations -- what we call in psychology reality testing. I do not want to, nor can I, make you happy. If you’re not happy to begin with, I damn sure cannot take you there. Nor do I want that responsibility even if I could pull off that miracle. I don’t want to be your all, your everything, that shit is fucking crazy and scary. Just thinking about that takes away any motivation I have to become intimate with you. Please, go find Daddy somewhere else! I ain’t it. Unless, of course, if I’m pulling your hair and smacking your ass while you’re screaming my name, then I’m your daddy. LOL!

I'm kidding...

Which brings me back to intimacy in relationships. People are always crying about the loss of spontaneity and intimacy in relationships. I know I’m going to burst some bubbles here but I’m going to say flat out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, Snow White was a fairy tale, and intimacy takes work.

I’m being honest here ladies, when I say that I don’t care how physically attractive you are, after 2-3 years of steady fucking, you will occasionally be considered a chore and not a pleasure. I will be sitting with a friend somewhere and he’ll ask me if I can go to the game with him and I’ll turn to him with a look resignation on my face and tell him, “I can’t man, I gotta go home and fuck the wife.” Any man who tells you different is a fucking liar.

Spontaneity and intimacy -- true intimacy -- takes work and risking all there is in that pretty heart of yours. It takes practice, lots of practice. If you think that I will find having sex with you an attractive prospect after watching you scream insanely at the children, or nagging me to fix the fucking fence, then you done lost your mind. Don’t’ get me wrong I’m sure you’re struggling just as hard with any attraction for me when my idea of funny is farting and putting you in a headlock.

So, intimacy is work. It’s about risking it all and being vulnerable in profoundly scary ways. By the way, intimate sex is not the only form of sex and can get very boring very quickly. Sometimes -- in fact, a lot of the time -- you have to fuck. In any case, healthy sexuality begins with understanding and accepting yourself, your body, and sensual and sexual aspects of yourself. There are two powerful negative teachings about sex we all internalize to some degree. The first is that sex is bad; exciting, but bad. Sex is good only in the context of marriage or an “intimate” relationship. The second is that sex is exclusively about intercourse.

We here in the [un]Common Sense blog believe that sex is a good thing in life and sexuality is an integral -- even spiritual -- part of being a person. Sexuality, at least for me, includes everything from the flirtatious glance to a gentle caress, from passionate, even violent, intercourse, to loving and tender afterplay.

The real psychologically healthy question then is how to express sexuality so that it enhances your self-esteem, deepens your ability to be genuinely intimate, and increases satisfaction in your intimate relationship.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [The Way to a Woman's Heart]

¡Hola! Everybody…

Warning: the following has profanity it it. You have the choice to read or not, but you don't have the choice to express your value judgments on my language choices.

* * *

=[ The Way to a Woman's Heart ]=-

First, let state from the outset that I write the following fully aware my perception is filtered through the lens of what it is to be a man in this society. I write from my own experience (or lack thereof). I will admit to the possibility that I may not know what the fuck I may be talking about. On the other hand, I submit that some here will find a measure of truth within these few short sentences.

Simply put, a woman’s heart and genitals are usually deeply connected. When a woman’s heart is truly open to you, so are her genitals (or chocha, as some Nuyoricans call it), and when she opens herself sexually to you, she also opens herself emotionally. For most women, emotional, sexual, and spiritual openness are all part of the same ritual of trust, openness, and love. In fact, for many women, their deepest sexual experiences are their deepest spiritual experiences.

This is why sex for sport, or sex with random strangers, is not such a big attraction for women. Doubt me? Well, how many women are lining up in front of glory holes (note: if you don’t know what a glory hole is, you shouldn't be reading my blog!). Generally speaking, a man can stick his cock through a hole in the wall, and he would care less who’s on the other side -- he will find release. Remember: men (at least mediocre men) seek release, women seek fulfillment.

Most women open emotionally during intimate and loving sex. My experience has been that women just don’t want to open up like that to anyone. This is why a woman tends to fall in love with whoever she has profound sex with: her heart opens along with her vagina and she feels love for the man with which she has had great sex.

As a woman learns to surrender sexually, her emotions open and she feels the tow of the undercurrent of love -- yours and hers. No matter what you say you’re feeling on the surface, deep down you want to give and receive total love, and guess what -- so does she. Shit, she can feel your heart buried deep underneath all that anger and shame. She can feel her own heart deep underneath her own resistance and hurt.

Want her completely? Then practice surrendering with her until you both develop that capacity of surrendering as love. Practice surrendering until you both learn to magnify that love even in the entanglement of the everyday dust of life: the boredom, the anger, pain, and superficial emotions that distract us from genuine presence.

To help her do this, remember her vagina and her heart are directly connected: treat her vagina as you would her heart... and vice versa.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Goal-Oriented Sex]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend…

* * *

-=[ The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex ]=-

Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with it has to be the “war” of the sexes. In a zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” rules, it's no wonder that sex resembles a race or competition: who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do” who, who can suck dick better, who can last longer, etc.

It’s absolutely mind-boggling...

What happens, in my view, is that sex becomes something people do mindlessly, often in the darkened corridors of their shame.

What would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?

What if a man or woman simply touched you?

What would it feel like if your lover simply bathed you with no expectation of sex? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed , towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately -- without sex being the endgame.

What would that do to your comfortability with intimacy, touch, and nudity -- to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?

The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there's no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, non-goal oriented manner, the sensual pleasure you can derive from touching and being touched, is a sure-fire path to sexual healing or re-awakening.

Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misperceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness toward asking for a different type of touching.

Try the following exercise

Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/ Pleasuring

For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a receiver.

It’s important before beginning to sit down and talk for a little while -- perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink, but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience when you felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.

Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.

If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.

Soap your partner’s back, caressing it as you do so. Trace the contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with the front of your partner’s body. Soap his or her neck; skip the breasts and genital area. Soap your own body. Take in your lover’s body as if you were looking at a new person.

Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should, however be able to see your lover’s body. Have some soft music playing on the CD player.

Have the receiver lay face down. The recipient has three tasks. The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep their eyes closed throughout the exercise so as to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is to be aware of what parts of your body and what types of touch are sensuous.

The giver’s tasks are to provide the recipient with a variety of experiences so s/he can increase awareness of sensual feelings. The giver can enjoy exploring various types of touching and experience their body in a new way. The emphasis here is on exploring rather than attempting to arouse the partner or prove anything sexual. It’s important to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience.

Beginning with your partner’s feet, caress and hold your partner’s body. Notice the length of the toes, of the legs, the texture of the skin. Place your palms on the many curves and arches of your partner’ body, use your fingertips to follow the contours of your partner’s body. Slowly move up the leg, take time to explore the soft area behind the knees. Examine and explore the thighs and gently massage. Move to the buttocks and massage both simultaneously. Many people feel negative about this area because of the association with defecation and social taboos. The buttocks and anal area can be one of the most sensuous parts of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone with a multitude of nerve endings. Remember to touch in a manner that is enjoyable and sensuous.

When you have finished providing non-demand sensuous exploration, switch roles and repeat the exercise. Remember, this isn’t a tit for tat game. The focus is on exploring, enjoying, touching, learning, comfort and safety, and sensuality. Throw away the “agenda” and just be yourself.

After, sit together and over a drink or coffee, discuss the experience and share your feelings. It’s best not to talk while doing the exercise, because talking tends to take you away from your body, from your felt sense. Encourage sharing with one another in an open and joyful way. I guarantee you that if you incorporate this type of intimacy in your relationship on a regular basis you will be rewarded in ways you’d never imagine.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [Surrender]

¡Hola! Everybody…
So, I’m looking to move on the 15^th (next Saturday). I abhor moving! I’ll be spending the whole weekend packing and tearing up my back in the process. Did I mention I have thousands of books?

Today? Another letter…

* * *

-=[ Surrender ]=-

Dearest Lover,

How much pleasure can that sweet, soft body of yours handle? Can you feel The Creator in your cunt? I mean clitoral orgasms are fine, but your cervix is where it’s really at. Yes, you can touch yourself, or have your pussy licked, you can shake and shimmy your vagina as much as you want, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you want to be really fucked, your whole pussy has to open, like a surrendered heart, an exotic flower, purring like a kitty, collapsing open as love, throbbing open as your heart is surrendered over to a Godly fuck.

Rubbing your clit just isn’t it.

I know, I know, it feels good to you. That’s because feeling good is good enough for you, lover. Look at you, screwing up your pretty face in anticipation of that rush of pleasure you can almost already sense, holding your breath and clamping down on all that hot, moist energy, keeping it all locked up in that pretty little pussy of yours, building it up so you can do your thing. And when it’s over, you’ll still complain.

Women like to complain, it’s a warped form of foreplay, a game that never ends. But I’ve learned that knowing how to treat a woman means not arguing with her. You want one thing, lover, and one thing only: You want to be fucked.

There, I said it.

And I’m not talking about licking your clit, or inserting my cock in you and pumping a few times. I’m talking about fucking you till you see God. Do you know what I mean? I don’t think so.

At the risk of getting too Freudian, in order for me to fuck you to God, I first have to kill my father and fuck my mother, you know? I have to leave my childhood behind and be a man. All those bullshit images of being too small, or of not being good enough -- I had to leave that all strange shit behind. Stroking my cock and feeling good is not enough. We all know that when you stroke your cock or rub your clit it feels good. That’s not what fucking is all about. That’s not what we’re here for -- at least I hope not. Feeling good is for people who are afraid to feel God.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying that you’re not afraid. But my question to you is: do you trust men? Do you trust me to enter you? You might say that you have trusted men in the past. So again, I ask you, have you totally received a man into your heart and body? I mean actively received him, worshiped his cock, sucked him into you so profoundly that every part of you was penetrated? Have you ever opened yourself and taken him so deep your heart was opened wider than the greatest love you have ever known?

Perhaps you have opened to a man but not as much because you’re afraid of losing yourself. And that is why your pussy is afraid of pleasure. Your clit may not be afraid, but your cunt is. When was the last time your cervix opened wide as the universe, your body radiating love in waves of bliss so that you lost yourself entirely, I mean really gone -- obliterated?

Lover, you have never been fucked.

I know you want to be fucked but you’re afraid. You’re afraid that if you give yourself to man in that way, you will be hurt. You’re unsure and afraid because there is no guarantee he will stay with you. You’ve worked hard and long to trust yourself, to not need a man to feel good about your life. And you know that you’ve never really opened or given yourself to a man completely. And now you’re afraid of getting old and never finding that man you can trust.

Your emotional geometry won’t work here. You might want your clit to be licked by some Joe Neckbone who bows at your feet, or cry in the arms of a lover, safely ensconced in a cocoon of fake intimacy, but this isn’t the place where you can find a daddy you can finally trust to do as you always wanted.

This moment is it. It’s as close to it as you will get, and it is the only home you’ll ever have, the only beloved you will ever know. If you’re looking for a better moment, waiting for a better lover, you might as well sew that thing up right now. Daddy isn’t going to take care of you and mommy isn’t going to feed you from her tit. That moment you dream of is your delusion, your crucifix. Can you feel it? You want a man you can trust before you give yourself completely. So you’re waiting, sad and unopened, before you will offer yourself to be claimed by a Godly fuck.

Lover, here’s the truth: any man you ever meet is going to betray you. I can guarantee it. Not because men are evil, emotionally crippled or anything Cosmopolitan tells you. The only truth is that everything changes. We live in a world of impermanence and unless you are already surrendering to that one truth -- The Giant Cosmic Fuck -- right now in this very moment, you will always feel betrayed by change.

Can you open your pussy now? Can you receive the energy that obliterates you till the ends of time, the same force that fills you as large as the universe? Why do you think they call it the Big Bang, lover? It’s the Cosmic Fuck of the universe -- the force of The Creator. And this force right now is opening as you. You are the expression of this force.

Will you surrender? Will you receive the force so deep in your heart and body that your little fears vanish in the blissful agony of love’s perfection? Hmmm…

Love,

Eddie

Honesty and Relationships

¡Hola! Everybody...
My friend Shellyhope posted a great little music video today. It’s called “Do You Want to Date my Avatar,” and aside from being catchy, it’s hilarious. I think I may have fallen “in love” with one or two avatars myself. LOL!

I'll be gone all day and most of the evening...

* * *

-=[ Honesty ]=-

Whenever we’re being phony, Machiavellian, manipulating other people by withholding… you end up cheating yourself of contact with that person. The reason for telling the truth is to have authentic contact or intimate experience in your life.

-- Brad Blanton

The root word for spirituality comes from a Latin word that means to breathe. This is interesting in that it can lend a basic definition of spirituality that goes beyond dogma and religion: what connects us all is our breath. We all need to breathe and we all share the same supply existing on this planet. If I were to come up with a broad definition of spirituality is that it is about connection. It is about connection to each other, to the Universal, to our ecology, to everything.

Modern physics has taught us lessons recently and one is that the basic way we see reality is flawed. Underlying our reality is an essential connection that should teach us that we are more integrated than we think and that our actions, even our thoughts, influence our surroundings, loved ones, and even strangers in ways that we’re only just beginning to grasp.

The ego-centered Mini Me, which is to feel everyone as separate, influences our normal habit of relating and because of this we’re compelled to speak and act strategically. This is as true for women as it is for men. As long as we operate from the perspective of the Mini Me, even when we’re trying to do the right thing, we are still doing it from an ego-centered perspective: how can I, or how can this person, fulfills my needs, what am I feeling, how can I express my truths.

This stance is, in fact, the cause of the underlying feeling of separation that causes us to suffer in relationships, more than who said or did what to whom. The Mini Me works behind the scenes, unconsciously trying to fit the other into our world and, without even trying, we become manipulative. Jeeez! The stakes are too fuckin’ high, the unmet needs and fears too great, to allow us to do otherwise. What often happens in relationships is that we create these unspoken agreements to support each other in this dramatic dance of need: “I’ll go along with your story, if you’ll go along with mine.” Let me be clear here: a relationship, any relationship based on need is called co-dependent. What’s happening in such relationships is that the participants are trying to fill a need that only exists as a false belief system (“I need to be completed”).

In mutual dependency, the tension gets so high that we become willing to lie or avoid talking (another form of lying) about a situation in order to keep the relationship “manageable.” If you doubt me, just pick up any one of the “The Rules” books (“time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right) and tell me if that isn’t a blueprint for manipulation and dishonesty. In this way, our way of relating becomes a method for reinforcing our basic feeling of being apart, small, and lack. Secrets and lies are what we know.

The sense of feeling small and separate forces us to see every problem and feeling of discomfort as external. Shit, if I don’t feel good, it is because you made me feel that way! Think about that statement. I mean really think about it: is it a true statement, or a belief?

When we relate to each other from a place of separation, we act as if the other person exists on the far side of an abyss. We can shout and wave, feel empathy, and then call that skillful communication. But even then, that deep feeling of isolation has not been addressed.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [The Way to a Woman's Heart]

¡Hola! Everybody...
So, on Monday, I went at length on surrender as a tool for change. Yesterday, I attempted to show how surrender can be applied to relationships, and today you’re gonna haveta surrender to me sexually. LOL!

* * *

-=[ The Way to a Woman’s Heart ]=-

I write the following fully knowing my POV is filtered through the lens of what it is to be a man in this society. I write from my own experience (or lack thereof). I will submit, however, that some here will find a measure of truth.

Simply put, a woman’s heart and genitals are usually deeply connected. When a woman’s heart is truly open to you, so are her genitals (or “coochie,” as a friend calls it), and when she opens herself sexually to you, she opens herself emotionally. For most women, emotional, sexual, and spiritual openness are all part of the same ritual of trust, openness, and love. In fact, for many women, their deepest sexual experiences are their deepest spiritual experiences.

This is why sex for sport, or sex with random strangers, is not a big attraction for women. Doubt me? Well, how many women are lining up in front of glory holes (note: if you don’t know what a glory hole is, you shouldn’t be reading my blog! *grin*). A man will stick his cock through a hole in the wall, and he would care less who’s on the other side -- he will find release. Remember, men seek release, women seek fulfillment.

Most women open emotionally during good sex. My experience has been that women don’t just want to open up like that to anyone. This is why a woman tends to fall in love with whomever she has profound sex with: her heart opens along with her vagina and she feels love for the man with which she has had great sex.

As a woman learns to surrender sexually, her emotions open and she feels the undercurrent of love -- yours and hers. No matter what you say you’re feeling on the surface, deep down you want to give and receive total love, and guess what -- so does she. Shit, she can feel your heart buried deep beneath the anger and shame. She can feel her own heart deep underneath her own resistance and hurt.

Want her completely? Then practice surrendering with her until you both develop that capacity of surrendering as love. Practice surrendering until you both learn to magnify that love even in the entanglement of the everyday dust of life: the boredom, pain, and superficial emotions that distract us from genuine presence.

To help her do this, remember her vagina and her heart are directly connected: treat her vagina as you would her heart… and vice versa.

Love,

Eddie

Relationship Thursdays (The Girlfriend Experience)

¡Hola! Everybody...
Well, well, well... I already like Judge Sonia Sotomayor! Apparently she’s a bigot/ racist just like yours truly! Yaaaay! In today’s political climate any mention of racism or privilege, or even having the fortitude to point out that the post-racial Emperor has no clothes, makes one a racist. Well, if that’s the case, then I am a flaming racist and proud of it!

* * *

-=[ The Girlfriend Experience ]=-

The Commodification of Intimacy in the Post-Capitalist Era

As reported by the Village Voice, for $60 an hour, a NYC agency arranges for a smart young woman to accompany you, laugh at your jokes, and make you feel interesting and special. It may sound like just another escort service -- complete with a negotiable “happy ending” sex service -- but it’s not. In fact, the young women who set up the agency spell it out on their website: “If there are any attempts at sexual activity, the girl has the right to end the date immediately.”

A colleague of mine has employed the same nanny for the past seven years. When he speaks of her, it’s almost as if he’s speaking a dear aunt or close family friend. His two sons adore her and have known her all their lives. They too see her as more than a nanny.

A few years ago, I joined a gym and, realizing that I needed more than a little motivation and guidance, I opted for a few sessions with a personal trainer. The trainer was very attractive in an athletic sense -- streamlined slinkiness expressed with cat-like grace in a body hinting at barely contained sex. At first, our relationship was purely business, but eventually I was able to convince her to go out on a date with me -- against her hard and fast rule about “dating customers.” Sometimes I can be persuasive. LOL

What all the above scenarios share is that they are paid situations that can easily lead to the blurring of professional relationships in ways that leach out into relationships that simulate or give the illusion of intimacy. We see this all the time in all areas of our hectic lives. For example, with an increased workload accompanied by decreasing wages, many people are using their places of employment as dating pools. It seems that one consequence of neoliberal uber-capitalism is that everything has become a commodity -- including intimacy or its simulation.

In the new Steven Soderbergh film, The Girlfriend Experience, the main character (more psychological study than lead actress) Chelsea (played by porn star Sasha Grey), is not only a consumer of top-of-the line merchandise, she is also a commodity: a prostitute whose specialty is implied in the title of the movie. She offers her wealthy clients more than sex with a pretty young woman. In fact, sometimes there is no sex at all. What she sells instead is a simulation of intimacy.

The first scenes are of Chelsea in the company of a handsome, well-mannered man. For all we know, these two attractive people leisurely chatting over dinner, then kissing on the couch before making their way to bed, are intimate lovers. Only when cash changes hands the following morning is the audience made aware of transactional nature of the affair.

Working out of a stylish Manhattan loft she shares with her boyfriend Chris, Chelsea charges $2,000 an hour. For something like $25,000, a “date” with this slim, pretty, perfectly-carnately fashioned 20-year-old can really be like a date. Chris (real life trainer Chris Santos), works as a personal trainer, tending to the bodies of some of the same kinds of guys who hire Chelsea for her services. The similarities between them are thought provoking. Both Chris and Chelsea belong to a segment of the economy that depends on the blurring of certain distinctions, between service and friendship, profit and warmth. As I noted previously, exercise instructors, nannies, life coaches, bartenders -- when you think about it, they are all paid for something that can easily be mistaken for love.

Up to now, Ms. Grey’s screen performances have been almost entirely in hard-core pornography (she calls it performance art) and along with her character’s profession, this adds another dimension to the movie. Is Soderbergh also commodifying Ms. Grey?

However, the film’s main interest is in money rather than sex, which is shown to be a far more powerful and dangerous cause of obsession and confusion. The movie takes place during the first glimpses of our current economic collapse, October 2008, lending the piece an anxiety riding just underneath the surface of a film that is all about surfaces. Occasionally, this palpable anxiety bubbles to the top.

The movie follows Chelsea from one encounter to the next, and with some clients, Chelsea plays the shrink, low-key and attentive; with others, she’s simply a source of physical pleasure. With most, however, she’s the ideal girlfriend which is more or less the role that Sasha Grey, music composer and winner of the 2008 AVN Award for Best Oral Sex Scene, plays in real life.

Grey is the only professional actor in the movie, playing a character who is always acting. Some of the most interesting insights come during the scenes where Chelsea is being pursued by a journalist (played by real-life journalist Mark Jacobson), who wants to write a profile and seems genuinely eager to discuss her “inner you.” At one point, repeatedly frustrated by his attempts to delve into her psyche, he mentions that by necessity, Chelsea has had to create an impenetrable psychological armor. Soderbergh’s camera lingers on Chelsea’s facial reaction to this insight and her spare approach to acting lends this scene power.

The Girlfriend Experience is a mosaic of short, largely a-chronological scenes. Flashbacks are impossible to differentiate from flash-forwards; the emphasis is on Chelsea’s behavior is in the here and now. Soderbergh’s camera placement reinforces the feeling of intimacy that is the escort’s product. This economic imperative rules nearly every interaction: Chelsea’s capital is her body and her persona.

Soderbergh also explores the two-way street/ nature of selling intimacy when he locks into Chelsea’s falling for a client. This could have been a weak point in the movie, but the minimalist approach to acting utilized by Ms. Grey combined with Soderbergh's almost clinical, apathetic distance, stops this from becoming too melodramatic. Grey's hard-won defenses keep the camera (and the audience) at arm’s length -- even when prying underneath the beautiful yet hard exterior of her character. Perhaps part of the price Chelsea and all of us pay is to be forever locked inside the character armor we erect to protect ourvelves from the very thing we desire -- intimacy?

I fear many people will not enjoy The Girlfriend Experience. Its subject hits too close to home and it’s not a movie in the traditional sense. It’s more character study and it poses more questions than it answers. In fact, I don’t know if the film answers any questions at all. However, it is exactly the questions that intrigued me the most.

Love,

Eddie

The Sex Blog (Intimacy and Relationships)

¡Hola! Everybody...
OMG! VD snuck on me! I don’t have a date! I am worthless! I am unlovable! I am strange!

Pffft...

What I am is in a hurry, so y’all are getting a repost today. I was writing the second part of the “Collazo Sisters,” but I wasn’t able to finish it last night, and I awoke late. I’m running...

Happy VD Day!

* * *

-=[ Intimacy & Relationships ]=-

Ahhhhh… Intimacy, the brass ring of coupling.

I’m going to be confrontational today and say right off the bat that most people wouldn’t know true intimacy even if it bit them on the ass. In fact, most people don’t want genuine intimacy, they want their needs met; that’s a horse of a different color, folks.

And I say this fully aware that I am a man writing about intimacy in a sexual context and that many women would perceive that as an impossible situation. LOL! In addition, I don’t even own a cat and probably have no business pontificating about relationships in the first place.

However, I have found that what people term intimacy is in actuality a perverted (e.g., distorted) notion of what genuine intimacy entails. Contrary to the stereotype, men have no monopoly on the fear of intimacy. Women also fear intimacy, though in different ways than men. The same goes for emotions. Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t more emotionally aware than men, they just [mis]handle it differently. Emotional indulgence, just as its opposite – emotional aversion – does not equal emotional intelligence.

I have been single by choice for about 7-8 years – since my divorce. This is a conscious choice, not an accident. I am not “between relationships.” This is part of who I am -- I am single. Many people don’t get this. They see it as you’re-single-until-the-next-relationship kinda/ sorta thingee. After all, it isn’t normal to not be in a relationship. The whole reason for existence is to hook up, no?

sheesh!

I’ll tell you why I am single, or at least part of the reason why I’m single. I am single because I have yet to meet someone who’s willing to be truly intimate. Women tell me all the time they want intimacy but what they really mean is that they have needs and I have to fulfill those needs somehow and when I do fulfill those needs that means we’re “intimate.” Of course, they don’t phrase in that way, but that’s what they mean.

I know.

Most people don’t even have a relationship with themselves to begin with. The search for “The One” is scary in this context. Do you people even realize the amount of pressure you put on a relationship these days? It’s as if I have to fulfill this vast range of roles and make you happy to boot! Lover, husband, father, best friend, mentor, mentee, soul mate, financial advisor, therapist, and counselor – the list goes on and on!

Is it no small surprise that relationships crash and burn? I think the first thing we need to look at is realistic expectations -- what we call in psychology reality testing. I do not want to, nor can I, make you happy. If you’re not happy to begin with, I damn sure cannot. Nor do I want that responsibility even if I could pull off that miracle. I don’t want to be your all, your everything, that shit is fucking crazy and scary to boot. Just thinking about that takes away any impulse I have to become intimate with you. Please, go find Daddy somewhere else! I ain’t it, unless I’m pulling your hair and smacking your ass while you’re screaming my name, then I’m your daddy.

I'm kidding, of course...

Which brings me back to intimacy in relationships. People are always crying about the loss of spontaneity and intimacy in relationships. I know I’m going to burst some bubbles here but I’m going to say flat out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, Snow White was a fairy tale, and intimacy takes work.

I’m being honest here ladies, when I say that I don’t care how physically attractive you are, after 2-3 years of steady fucking, you will occasionally be considered a chore and not a pleasure. I will be sitting with a friend somewhere and he’ll ask me if I can go to the game with him and I’ll turn to him with a look resignation on my face and tell him, “I can’t man, I gotta go home and fuck the wife.” Any man who tells you different is a fucking liar.

Spontaneity and intimacy – true intimacy – takes work and risking all there is in that pretty heart of yours. It takes practice, lots of practice. If you think that I will find having sex with you an attractive prospect after watching you scream insanely at the children, or nagging me to fix the fucking fence, then you’re fucking insane. Don’t’ get me wrong I’m sure you’re struggling just as hard with any attraction for me when my idea of funny is farting and putting you in a headlock.

So, intimacy is work. It’s about risking it all and being vulnerable in profoundly scary ways. By the way, intimate sex is not the only form of sex and can get very boring very quickly. Sometimes -- in fact, a lot of the time -- you have to fuck. In any case, healthy sexuality begins with understanding and accepting yourself, your body, and sensual and sexual aspects of yourself. There are two powerful negative teachings about sex we all internalize to some degree. The first is that sex is bad; exciting, but bad. Sex is good only in the context of marriage or an “intimate” relationship. The second is that sex is exclusively about intercourse.

We here at the [un]Common Sense Blog believe that sex is a good thing in life and sexuality is an integral -- even spiritual -- part of being a person. Sexuality, at least for me, includes everything from the flirtatious glance to a gentle caress, from passionate, even violent, intercourse, to loving and tender afterplay.

The real psychologically healthy question then is how to express sexuality so that it enhances your self-esteem, deepens your ability to be genuinely intimate, and increases satisfaction in your intimate relationship.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog (Sex Lies, pt. I)

¡Hola! Everybody...
First, I think it’s the height of hypocrisy to watch a conservative senator preach to auto workers about productivity -- especially when that senator has given away hundreds of millions of your dollars to foreign car makers in his state. Maybe we should apply the same standard to congress.

It’s despicable to think about the millions of union households -- who have gotten the squeezed so hard over the past two decades thanks to Republican policies -- that will be out-of-work once the car companies go under (or get “restructured”). The largest part the current GOP opposition to the bailout is that they see a prime opportunity to drive another stake through the heart of labor in hopes of pleasing the big business pimps which they work for (where are the demands for “parity” for Wall St. CEOs?). It will hurt us tremendously that our ever-shrinking manufacturing base will shrivel even more. Shameless muthafuckas.

On another note, the lovely Bettie Paige passed away last night. RIP and thanks for the mammaries, Bettie!

I will be scarce for most of the day, as I have so much work to do. Today is a repost...

* * *

-=[ Sex Lies, pt. I ]=-

“Men aren’t looking for true intimacy and liberation; they’re just looking to get laid.”

This myth is one of my pet peeves. I hear it all the time and it’s up there with the lie that women aren’t looking to get laid.

Bullshit!

The fact of the matter is not many people of either sex are actually looking for liberation, at least not until a very long and weary trail of life-long disappointments. And those “declaring” a need for intimacy have a funny definition for the word because intimacy requires surrender and trust and how many people have you met that are truly willing to open up and not merely pay lip service to what amounts to a vague notion of intimacy?

Liberation and intimacy is not something that’s really at the top of people’s list of things to do, right up there with finding that job, or “The One.” Perhaps this is an indication of out of whack priorities or lack of concern for substance, but personal growth is not a top priority and that’s certainly not an attitude limited to men.

Of course, men are expected to be horny – all the time. God forbid a man would tell his mate he has a headache. LOL! We’re supposed to be at the ready, cock in hand, in a moment’s notice. We’re perceived as natural for wanting sex, but that desire is also viewed as weak because the “little head” will eventually lead the “big head” astray, as if our fantasies were our vulnerable spot – our inherent weakness. And don’t you ladies have a grand laugh when you view the results! The ambiguity is such that you grant men sexual feeling as if it were inevitable, but then ridicule us for what you believe is our unavoidable undoing.

But what is this desire after all? I’ll tell you what it is: it’s the wish to feel sexual ecstasy with another person, to feel yourself completely inside another person’s body, to feel your own body open and wanting. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an intense experience to yearn for and it deserves respect.

But Eddie, you might say, it’s not always like that! Some people are totally removed and distant when they’re having sex; it’s all about ego, a notch on the belt.

And?!!

Sure, there are some cold ma’fuccas out there, whipping in and out and walking away. The true irony is that even their stunted efforts are a search for connection – for that fleeting moment when the ego defenses disappear and they feel something bigger and more complete than anyone of their “heads.”

Shit! If we men can’t express that longing to our lovers, openly and without fear of being stigmatized, it’s not because there’s something twisted about sexual desire that serves to get in the way; it’s that fuckin’ committee in the brain that shames us and shuts us up. Yet every time we get laid, that’s another opportunity for opening up, for a chance to discover true intimacy.

Face it: a man who wants to get laid, is a man who wants to stay in the human race. Instead of ridiculing or marginalizing that, why don’t you treat it as a positive sign and look more carefully at the nature of his sexual motivations.

It often seems like a miracle when you first cross that erotic bridge and discover that someone wants you. Especially if you’re convinced that you will be forever alone and unloved in this cold world.

And you get laid – again and again – and the confidence acquired leads to you to new questions and new answers about the value of sex, about a lover’s needs and companionship in our lives, about this sense of adventure and mystery in our bodies.

And you know what?!! At that point, we’re experiencing sexual liberation, whether we’re giving it a name or not. Some men will begin to question what a male is supposed to do and act like and will no doubt find many things oppressive and unnecessary. Ladies? Most men don’t want to sacrifice their emotions and sexual expression to outdated and harmful notions of masculinity. This is the first stage of the sexual revolution: they’re not buying into the outmoded models of manhood and masculinity. Refusing to buy into the bullshit is a revolution in itself.

You should be happy to meet such a man: he still harbors a hope that there’s something better out there.

And you know what? He’s right!

Love,

Eddie