Relationship Thursdays [Relationship, Honesty, Trust]

¡Hola! Everybody…
You Will Know, by Stevie Wonder, is probably one his less-known compositions, but it has to be one of his best…

* * *

-=[ Honesty, Trust, and Relationships ]=-

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show.
-- Steveland Wonder

I post these “Relationship Thursdays” rants with not a little trepidation because it would seem that I’m attempting to project this aura of a “relationship guru” and I am far from that. I don’t even own a fuckin' cat. And, trust me, I will fuckin’ drive you crazy in a heartbeat. I am insecure and possess little impulse control. I’m 56 chronologically, but 16 in everything else. I say shit I have no business saying. Like, out of nowhere I’ll say, “Damn, I’m fuckin horny today,” and you’ll be, like, “By the way, Eddie, meet my grandmother.” LOL!

I am stubborn, moody, and, hard as it is to admit, sometimes I can be downright mean. In addition, I have little regard for rules, often cross boundaries, and suffer from what I call “Relationship Tourrettes”: that embarrassing tendency to do and say things that often bring regret.

Yup. I’m a prize, ladies, so line up!

I guess what motivates me most on going on about relationships is that I see so much wrong done in the name of love and relationships. Plus, I get more page hits when people see “relationships” tags. LOL

I would have to add in my defense, I do have a few worthwhile qualities. Not many, just a few. Life with me, for example, would be one of discovery and you will definitely experience a lot of intellectual and creative stimulation (or so I’ve been told). I like to think I’m a considerate, passionate, and experienced lover. I will make you laugh a lot, and sometimes you will feel as if you’re the only woman in the world when you’re around me amd there will never be a dull moment (that's a good and bad thing!). While all that might sound good, the only thing I can say with complete confidence is that I am honest. I’m not talking about the “Gee, honey, your ass is too big” honest. That really isn’t honesty, it’s sadism. A woman pointed out to me once that there’s a difference between being honest and honesty and I have to agree. The honesty I try to exemplify is about me being as transparent as possible. It’s not honesty about you or someone else -- externalized honesty. I don’t know if you have noticed but being “honest” about other people is a lot easier than being honest about yourself, isn’t it? No, I’m talking about honesty that engenders trust and for me trust is everything. In terms of relationships, nothing is more important than trust.

Nothing -- not love, nor “attraction,” nor any of that other bullshit. Trust is all.

That’s it. That’s my one card, that I am trustworthy -- I can be trusted and I develop that trust through my actions, my life’s direction, and the consistency between what I say and what I do. To me it’s interesting that quite a few women I meet would probably rather I be “normal” (i.e., not be clingy, immature, or psychotic *grin*) than trustworthy or honest. Sure, many blah blah blah about trust and honesty, but that’s just talk. Very few people even know what trust is. From my perspective, most people tend to see trust from a selfish perspective. They have no clue what a genuine trusting relationship entails.

I’m not making a judgment call here; I’m stating an observation.

For a few years not too long ago, I had the good fortune to share office space with a remarkable woman. She was married, but she and I developed a unique and close friendship. And what was really cool was that her husband actually supported our friendship. She was an avid mountain climber and I used to think that shit was crazy. One day, after months of cajoling, she finally convinced to accompany her on a climbing trip. I had no intention of climbing, but being a city boy, I thought it would be a nice change of pace to go into the country for a weekend.

Of course, she convinced me to scale this fuckin’ wall and it was an exhilarating experience. I think rock or mountain climbing is an appropriate metaphor for relationships. I had to trust in her knowledge and ability and she had to trust that I wouldn’t shit in my pants, panic, and cause us both to fall. In the same way, intimacy is an adventure in which two individuals work to bring together their needs, goals, and desires and to maintain the balance needed to keep the relationship intact.

I’ll abuse the metaphor even further and state that as the relationship deepens in involvement -- as the climbers go higher up -- the risk associated with depending on another increases. At first, the level of interdependence is more casual but becomes more intense the stakes higher. In addition, it becomes clear that the efforts of one partner alone cannot achieve the balance needed to maintain the relationship. A solo climber is often a foolish or dead climber, and if either partner loses their grip both will plunge to the depths beneath.

My analogy highlights the important elements in understanding the relationship between trust and risk. Trust is not for pussies. It's not some bullshit fairy tale, ladies. Every day we make decisions in our relationships: decisions to commit further or to withdraw, or what course of action to take (or not take) in the face of a conflict, or to make use of an opportunity or to let it pass by.

Oftentimes, these decisions are difficult and full of risk, in the process forcing us to confront our primal fears and hopes when it comes to depending on another for our needs to be met. In the same way that mutual trust enables climbers to conquer the mountain, it provides the crucial foundation from which relationship partners can confidently approach the task of making decisions. This provides the explicit contract of commitment to good intentions that makes everything else run more smoothly.

During one difficult moment, a woman once asked me, “What can I do to make this better for you?” That blew me away. (No, I didn’t say, “Gimme that ass!” Get your mind out the gutter! LOL) In that moment, all my anxieties about the situation (and the relationship) and the decisions I was contemplating disappeared. Her question communicated to me in a very honest and direct manner that she was there with me and that she was willing to move the relationship forward. Unfortunately, that relationship was stillborn -- it never worked out because I felt the values she expressed weren’t in line with her actions, but it was still a powerful thing to say -- a powerful lesson.

This brings me to matter of how to build trust in a relationship. I’ve already mentioned one: responsiveness. When that former lover expressed her willingness, she was also expressing a responsiveness, acknowledging and being respectful of my disposition. In other words, feelings of security are strengthened when a partner’s actions are geared toward a person’s particular needs. For example, when that woman asked me what she could do to make a situation better, it signaled to me a special consideration of my needs and preferences. Sometimes by choosing to put aside for a moment, his or her own preferences in order to satisfy those of the other, a partner demonstrates genuine care about the person and is fundamentally motivated in the relationship.

There are other factors in building trust in relationships, of course. There’s dependability, which is the most fundamental way of establishing trustworthiness. Dependability is like showing up (fully present) consistently. A trustworthy partner is one on whom you can depend, who can be relied upon time and time again, to act honestly and with consideration.

There’s also the all-important capacity to resolve conflict in a manner that doesn’t neglect a person’s needs or jeopardize the relationship. Most of all this entails allowing everything to be on the table -- the good parts and the bad and, not necessarily condoning, but accepting our "bad" aspects as well as our good. Too many people are addicted to being "positive" whatever the fuck that means, and that's a bullshit fairy tale. Life is more than the nice shit. And if you can't deal with the bad shit, then get yourself a fuckin cat! LOL If you can feel that it is safe to be you -- the good and the bad -- then there's trust, or at least the ground upon which trust can be built.

If there is a sense of confidence in the couple’s ability to resolve conflict, the trust grows. I think that the belief that it is safe to depend on the integrity and compassion on the other’s motives is essential to conflict resolution. If I’m not questioning your motives, if I have taken hold of the rope trusting that you’re there for me, trusting implicitly, then there’s that transparency that allows the light of shared love to shine through us with as that becomes our unshakable bond. If we have that, we can conquer the world, let alone our conflicts.

Finally, there is faith. Faith in this sense means a sense of closure with a lot of emotion in it: there is a sense of closure regarding the partner’s trustworthiness and the future of the relationship. Faith in this sense is connected to an individual’s view of the partner of that takes in the good with the bad. That is the extent to which a partner can come to terms with a partner’s faults.

I guess women need a lot of “faith” when it comes to yours truly. LOL!

My Name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

If babies had the right to vote, the winner of our next Presidential election would be a foregone conclusion.

After I posted the "Oh Baby" video and the post referring to President Obama as the "Baby Whisperer" I found myself inundated with pictures of our president with babies. Apparently there are dozens and dozens of them.

Now I tend to resist the urge to revisit a topic after I have posted about it once, but I have to admit that after looking through these pictures there appears to be something almost magical in how Barack Obama interacts with our youngest Americans.

Take a look for yourself, and tell me if you agree.

And it isn't just the babies who are charmed by our President. Their older brothers and sisters seem to gravitate toward him as well.

You know if I were on Obama's reelection committee, I would simply run an political ad of nothing but President Obama interacting with children. The man gives an amazing speech, but his effortless rapport with children is an open window to his soul.

Take it from a guy who has worked with kids his entire life, and also enjoys a certain amount of automatic trust from them, you can learn a great deal about a person's humanity by how they interact with children.

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step Three]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I was watching some clips of Charlie Sheen last night and I have to say that if you want to see a meltdown, then watch these clips.

I will say Mr. Sheen has major cojones, but I would have to qualify that by noting that he seems to be extraordinarily defended. Mr. Sheen’s bravado seems to be a defense mechanism against a glaringly obvious insecurity. In other words, he appears to me like an egomaniac with low self-esteem.

Actually, he reminds me of me when I was an active addict. In fact, if I had had the fame and money Mr. Sheen has when I was active, I would most likely be dead. And while I wasn’t fucking Denise Richards-caliber starlets, I was just as recklessly promiscuous. In fact, I get kinda turned on thinking about what Mr. Sheen did with Ms. Richards... never mind!

Seriously, I’m not here to pass judgment on Sheen, nor do I think what he’s going through is in any way humorous. In fact, I’m not even calling him an addict. I can’t do that. I do find the clips difficult to watch. However, he’s correct in at least one thing: 12 step fellowships aren’t for everybody. However, if you were to ask me how I got clean, I would have to tell you that the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous saved my life. My experience also tells me that working the 12 Steps could be beneficial for everyone, regardless of whether they identify as an addict.

* * *

-=[ Turning it Over ]=-

Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The first time I came to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, by the time I reached this step, I had quit. This is bullshit! I told myself. Fuck that God shit.

I wasn’t ready for recovery and I spent the next five years, the worst of my life, chasing a bag, a piece of ass -- anything that could get me outside of myself. In a very real way, my addiction was my Higher Power, and at some level I knew this, but I would not kneel before a God I didn’t believe, or religious principles that I saw as intolerant and juvenile.

I didn’t sit still long enough to read the part of the step that says: ... as we understood Him. The second time around, I was desperate to learn and to live more effectively, more wisely. I was more open, but I also knew that I couldn’t pretend to submit to religious dogma and not go back out.

My First Step work forced me confront the contradiction of my addictive process: that I felt powerful when in fact, I was powerless and needed help. The First Step gave me hope... However, having internalized and accepted my powerlessness (not to be confused with hopelessness), I was left open and vulnerable, and while I understood my powerlessness, I needed something to latch onto, some form of support.

My Second Step work helped me come to terms with trust -- at least a little bit and it challenged my feelings of grandiosity, bringing me to the realization that I am a human being, and as such, I am not all-powerful -- the “Great I Am.” It taught me the value of surrendering my small self in favor of my Higher Self. The Second Step helped me take a good look at faith and it helped me begin my spiritual search anew with fresh eyes. In fact, I see my entire history of active addiction as a spiritual search gone wrong. Recovery was a matter of turning that mad search into something sane and good.

In the beginning, I was able to accept the collective consciousness of the fellowship of NA as my Higher Power, but as I continued to work the steps in my life, I came upon the teachings of Buddhism (The Dharma) and I accepted them as my Higher Power. In Buddhism, I found a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity.

In NA, there are no “shalts,” nothing is forced down our throats and everyone works the steps to the best of their abilities and at their own pace. The first three steps serve as a foundation, a bridge, back to life. It’s not about belief, but about practice. Believing is not enough; it is through living and applying the steps that we recover our Original Self. I think what’s most important for anyone, is maintaining a frame of mind described by Zen masters as “beginner’s mind.” In the mind of an expert, it is said, there are few possibilities. But in the mind of a beginner, everything is possible.

Let me add that I as I have progressed spiritually, I have come to realize that bridge back to life was made from the bones of those who came before me. many of whom never got clean, never tasted spiritual freedom...

Truly, change and recovery are about coming back to a state where we’re open to suggestions and looking at life with fresh eyes. It’s about dropping the mess and listening to the message. If you’re like me and many others, there are issues that have tested you sorely. Whether it is drugs, sex, relationships, your emotions, food, or other people, we all have found ourselves at our wit’s end at one time or another. The Third Step is about letting be, as the Taoists put it.

One thing I was painfully aware of was that whenever I imposed my will, things got messed up quick. If I was in a relationship, my will meant lot’s of insanity. Imposing my will on my addiction meant that it made it worse because my will was warped. So recovery (and the Third Step) is a lot about letting go of the impulsive need to control. It’s about allowing a Higher Principle, Higher Power, or God -- or whatever you choose to call it -- guide your actions.

For me, that Higher Power as I understand it, is The Dharma. In other words, instead of exerting my will on my addictive behaviors, I was letting go in favor of a set of spiritual principles that emphasized ethical behavior, contemplation, and cognitive restructuring. Rather than chasing a bag, or the delusional grasp for happiness through destructive behavior, I was instead flowing into a spiritual practice that guided me toward a saner way of life. For my purposes, I do not believe in an Abrahamic God, but I am an addict in recovery.

My experience teaches me that when I’m less reactive and defensive, life becomes less stressful and simpler. The truth of the matter is that I’m constantly taking my will back. I become a backseat driver to my life and demand to make a left turn, when my Higher Power (as I understand It) is telling me to make a right. There are times I’m downright nasty about it and I take the wheel and “all of sudden” there I am, ass out on Broadway. In my early recovery I would take my will back on an hourly basis. I had the good fortune to have someone explain to me that recovery (and life) is really about practice not perfection. The point is if we’re to evolve, then letting go becomes a way of life. These principles are guidelines to progress. The issue isn’t spiritual perfection, but spiritual practice. No one, my guide told me, gets this perfectly.

Whatever your understanding of your Higher Power, it is suggested that it be a loving and understanding. For me this means living a life of non-harming, of skillful speech and action. If I can turn my life over to that Higher Power, then I’m released from the bondage of my smaller, ego-driven self. For some this can mean throwing away the concept of an angry and jealous God for one that is loving, accepting, and compassionate. It could mean an understanding of God that resides within, instead of the concept of a God-in-the-sky. Perhaps the Universal Principle is a stream flowing through all of us. Maybe my Higher Power, rather than being an old white guy with a beard can look like Halle Berry, instead. Who’s to say? LOL! What’s important, in this spirituality, is that your Higher Power be loving and trustworthy.

Most importantly, this step is all about coming to terms with trust. It is really about learning acceptance, of letting go the compulsive need for control. In my active addiction, I was more concerned with control than about relationships. Lack of trust, my friends, is really about control. If you don’t trust someone, then you’re trying to control that person. In other words, lack of trust is the impulse to control because if you can’t trust another, you want to do everything yourself. And how has that worked so far?

Let go...

This is for you, whoever you are. Take what is useful. but this is mostly for the still sick and suffering addict out there all alone thinking there’s no way out, or defending a madness slowly killing him or her.

My name is Eddie and I am an addict in recovery...

Sunday Sermon [Love]

¡Hola! Everybody,
It’s still summer… ::arches eyebrow::

* * *

-=[ Love ]=-

Love is a remembrance

Yup. You read that right: the Big “L.”

The word we all are scared to admit to it even when we’re feeling it in the very fiber of our being. Some people will go for most of their lives and hardly ever utter the word to those they most love. It’s even scarier in romantic relationships.

We worry and go strategic:

What if I tell her I love her? Will she reject me? Will she use it against me? Will she think me to clingy? Will he say he loves me too? And what if he doesn’t say it?!!

Yup. The Big Hairy Nasty Obscene “L” Word.

We’re all afraid to say it. Or if we do say it, we’ll play semantics with it.

We’ll draw distinctions, for example, between loving someone and being in love. Apparently, there is a difference. LOL! No, I’m not that dense. I realize that when people make that distinction, they’re pointing out the difference between the attraction of the feeling of love and actually committing to it and letting it flower.

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

Personally, I’m a complicated man and so I have to keep things simple. For me love is an action word, it’s something you do. When I tell you I love you it means I’m going to work at loving you. It means I am committed to loving you by acting – by my behavior. That means that I will attempt to accommodate your feelings, be considerate, protect you, make love to you, compromise with you, do the things I know makes you feel wanted and valued (and yes, probably drive you to distraction *grin*). That’s what the Big “L” word means to me. When I tell you I love you, it means I’m walking alongside you on this journey called life and all that that implies.

So, I don’t know if there’s a huge difference there for me between love and being in love. For me it’s like being pregnant: you’re never half pregnant. You’ll never hear a woman say, “I’m pregnant, but not in pregnant.” That’s why I stopped making that distinction. When I love, it’s with my soul, nothing held back, caution thrown to the wind. Believe me, in this life it’s the only risk worth taking. Of course, it doesn’t mean I ain’t shitting in my pants the whole time because, yeah (duh!) it’s fuckin’ scary opening up like that.

To make things worse, I become unbearable because sometimes I really want to sabotage the whole thing and in that way not have to do it. I jump, then in mid air, I’m screaming like a bitch because I’m thinking: why do I do this love shit, GODDAMIT! And yet I still take the risk because if I outlast my usefulness and they finally come for me to put me in some decrepit nursing home where the nurses will refuse to wipe my ass for hours, I don’t want to be laying there in my shit regretting that I didn’t love in that way -- that I didn’t take the risks.

I think the core issue with love is that it will enter into any mind that truly wants it. Your task is not to seek love, but instead undo the barriers that you erect against it. I’ve heard it said that “Love waits on welcome, not on time.” When you want only love, you will see nothing else. If you could agree with me that love is in part a form of sharing, then how can you find it except through itself? I say, offer it and it will come to you because Love is attracted to itself. Offer hostility or contraction and love cannot exist, for it can only live in a space overflowing with peace.

I have learned that Love is already in me and that I need only to extend it outward. Going back to my perspective on Love as an action for a moment -- that is the action: extending what is there already inside of me. As M. Scott Peck defines it, love is an act of will for the benefit of another. What a fuckin’ awesome revelation.

Love is the most sacred mantra you can ever chant, for Love is the Divine and you could never know one without the other. Integrated, you could never again be unaware of love and Love would never fail to recognize you. And in this recognition, you will live in grace because Grace is the acceptance of Love within a world of hate and fear. In Love you will find gratitude because gratitude is the ring bearer of Love. Where there is one the other must be found.

Love laughs at the foolishness of my defenses for that’s what they are. Love demands we lay down all our weapons. Love without trust is impossible. People always ask me about my motivation for writing in this way. I guess my aim is to offer an example of remembrance -- of reminding people to remember what they really are -- to emphasize that there is no difference between your essence and Love.

If all you did today was catch a glimpse of that remembrance you will have advanced on your path in an immeasurable way. Seek the Love in you, and you will see it everywhere because it is everywhere.

Love,

Eddie

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step Three]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I realized this morning that March had passed and I had forgotten to post Step Three...

* * *

-=[ Turning it Over ]=-

Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The first time I came to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, by the time I reached this step, I had quit. This is bullshit! I told myself. Fuck that God shit.

I wasn’t ready for recovery and I spent the next five years, the worst of my life, chasing a bag, a piece of ass -- anything that could get me outside of myself. In a very real way, my addiction was my Higher Power, and at some level I knew this, but I would not kneel before a God I didn’t believe, or religious principles that I saw as intolerant and juvenile.

I didn’t sit still long enough to read the part of the step that says: ... as we understood Him. The second time around, I was desperate to learn and to live more effectively, more wisely. I was more open, but I also knew that I couldn’t pretend to submit to religious dogma and not go back out.

My First Step work forced me confront the contradiction of my addictive process: that I felt powerful when in fact, I was powerless and needed help. The First Step gave me hope... However, having internalized and accepted my powerlessness (not to be confused with hopelessness), I was left open and vulnerable, and while I understood my powerlessness, I needed something to latch onto, some form of support.

My Second Step work helped me come to terms with trust -- at least a little bit and it challenged my feelings of grandiosity, bringing me to the realization that I am a human being, and as such, I am not all-powerful. It taught me the value of surrendering my small self in favor of my Higher Self. The Second Step helped me take a good look at faith and it helped me begin my spiritual search anew with fresh eyes. In fact, I see my entire history of active addiction as a spiritual search gone wrong. Recovery was a matter of turning that mad search into something sane and good.

In the beginning, I was able to accept the collective consciousness of the fellowship of NA as my Higher Power, but as I continued to work the steps in my life, I came upon the teachings of Buddhism (The Dharma) and I accepted them as my Higher Power. In Buddhism, I found a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity.

In NA, there are no “shalts,” nothing is forced down our throats and everyone works the steps to the best of their abilities and at their own pace. The first three steps serve as a foundation, a bridge, back to life. It’s not about belief, but about practice. Believing is not enough; it is through living and applying the steps that we recover our Original Self. I think what’s most important for anyone, is maintaining a frame of mind described by Zen masters as “beginner’s mind.” In the mind of an expert, it is said, there are few possibilities. But in the mind of a beginner, everything is possible.

Truly, change and recovery are about coming back to a state where we’re open to suggestions and looking at life with fresh eyes. It’s about dropping the mess and listening to the message. If you’re like me and many others, there are issues that have tested you sorely. Whether it is drugs, sex, relationships, your emotions, food, or other people, we all have found ourselves at our wit’s end at one time or another. The Third Step is about letting be, as the Taoists put it.

One thing I was painfully aware of was that whenever I imposed my will, things got messed up quick. If I was in a relationship, my will meant lot’s of insanity. *grin* Imposing my will on my addiction meant that it made it worse because my will was warped. So recovery (and the Third Step) is a lot about letting go of the impulsive need to control. It’s about allowing a Higher Principle, Higher Power, or God -- or whatever you choose to call it -- guide your actions.

For me, that Higher Power as I understand it, is The Dharma. In other words, instead of exerting my will on my addictive behaviors, I was letting go in favor of a set of spiritual principles that emphasized ethical behavior, contemplation, and mind training. Rather than chasing a bag, or the delusional grasp for happiness through destructive behavior, I was instead flowing into a spiritual practice that guided me toward a saner way of life. For my purposes, I do not believe in an Abrahamic God, but I am an addict in recovery.

My experience teaches me that when I’m less reactive and defensive, life becomes less stressful and simpler. The truth of the matter is that I’m constantly taking my will back. I become a backseat driver to my life and demand to make a left turn, when my Higher Power (as I understand It) is telling me to make a right. There are times I’m downright nasty about it and I take the wheel and “all of sudden” there I am, ass out on Broadway. In my early recovery I would take my will back on an hourly basis. I had the good fortune to have someone explain to me that recovery (and life) is really about practice willing and not perfection. The point is if we’re to evolve, then letting go becomes a way of life. These principles are guidelines to progress. The issue isn’t spiritual perfection, but spiritual practice. No one, my guide told me, gets this perfectly.

Whatever your understanding of your Higher Power, it is suggested that it be a loving and understanding. For me this means living a life of non-harming, of skillful speech and action. If I can turn my life over to that Higher Power, then I’m released from the bondage of self. For some this can mean throwing away the concept of an angry and jealous God for one that is loving, accepting, and compassionate. It could mean an understanding of God that resides within, instead of a concept of a God-in-the-sky. Perhaps the Universal Principle is a stream flowing through all of us. What’s important, in this spirituality, is that your Higher Power be loving and trustworthy.

Most importantly, this step is all about coming to terms with our trust. It is really about learning acceptance, of letting go the compulsive need for control. In my active addiction, I was more concerned with control than about relationships. Lack of trust, my friends, is really about control. If you don’t trust someone, then you’re trying to control that person. In other words, lack of trust is the impulse to control because if you can’t trust another, you want to do everything yourself. And how has that worked so far?

Let go...

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [The Way to a Woman's Heart]

¡Hola! Everybody...
So, on Monday, I went at length on surrender as a tool for change. Yesterday, I attempted to show how surrender can be applied to relationships, and today you’re gonna haveta surrender to me sexually. LOL!

* * *

-=[ The Way to a Woman’s Heart ]=-

I write the following fully knowing my POV is filtered through the lens of what it is to be a man in this society. I write from my own experience (or lack thereof). I will submit, however, that some here will find a measure of truth.

Simply put, a woman’s heart and genitals are usually deeply connected. When a woman’s heart is truly open to you, so are her genitals (or “coochie,” as a friend calls it), and when she opens herself sexually to you, she opens herself emotionally. For most women, emotional, sexual, and spiritual openness are all part of the same ritual of trust, openness, and love. In fact, for many women, their deepest sexual experiences are their deepest spiritual experiences.

This is why sex for sport, or sex with random strangers, is not a big attraction for women. Doubt me? Well, how many women are lining up in front of glory holes (note: if you don’t know what a glory hole is, you shouldn’t be reading my blog! *grin*). A man will stick his cock through a hole in the wall, and he would care less who’s on the other side -- he will find release. Remember, men seek release, women seek fulfillment.

Most women open emotionally during good sex. My experience has been that women don’t just want to open up like that to anyone. This is why a woman tends to fall in love with whomever she has profound sex with: her heart opens along with her vagina and she feels love for the man with which she has had great sex.

As a woman learns to surrender sexually, her emotions open and she feels the undercurrent of love -- yours and hers. No matter what you say you’re feeling on the surface, deep down you want to give and receive total love, and guess what -- so does she. Shit, she can feel your heart buried deep beneath the anger and shame. She can feel her own heart deep underneath her own resistance and hurt.

Want her completely? Then practice surrendering with her until you both develop that capacity of surrendering as love. Practice surrendering until you both learn to magnify that love even in the entanglement of the everyday dust of life: the boredom, pain, and superficial emotions that distract us from genuine presence.

To help her do this, remember her vagina and her heart are directly connected: treat her vagina as you would her heart… and vice versa.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon (Trust)

¡Hola! Everybody,
Strangely enough, I have little to say today. I have written about father hood in the past – it’s around here somewhere. In fact, if it weren’t for my commitment to posting one blog a day for this year, I probably wouldn’t have posted anything.

I went and had my hair streaked and cut yesterday. LOL! That’s me and my ex in the pic above. I will say this much: I’m grateful to have people in my life that I trust implicitly. My ex is one of them. I have friends and loved ones that reaffirm for me what is good, true, and beautiful in this world.

In a world rife with unhappy people constructing mirages and selling them as real, it feels good to know there are people in my life who aren’t like that. People who strive to keep it real – in a very real sense.

This isn’t about moral snobbery. I have friends today who have failed me in the past and vice-versa. For example, there is the ex from Boston. When we first met, she chased me for four years. When we finally entered into a relationship, her lies were so embedded into her maps, that she couldn’t tell the difference any longer. Her self-esteem was so lacking that she couldn’t cope with a loving and considerate partner. What she knew was abuse and that was what she yearned.

Eventually, over the years, that has changed somewhat. At the very least, she came clean when the thread was pulled and her web of lies imploded. She’s a little different today, more willing to accept herself and others. And we have a relationship that’s better today. Sure, what we like most is to fuck each other, but it’s all good. LOL

People will always disappoint us, folks. That is, if they’re human. I love humans. I’m uncomfortable around “Gods.” I even love those of us most touched. Those who are fragmented, imperfect and who know suffering intimately. I guess it’s because I believe you can only be kind when you have known deep loss and pain. For me, what makes the difference, what really matters, is the response.

As always, it’s all about the willingness.

As a man – as a human being – I try to embody values I feel are important. I try to live my life as a power of example. Do I fall short? Shit… I fall short many times.

But I try. I really try. In the end that is all we can do.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy Father’s Day. It’s important to honor our parents.

May you all know true happiness.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon (Love)

¡Hola! Everybody,
This coming week will be the [un]Common Sense week for raising awareness on the issue of violence against women. For those who think women are getting preferential treatment, think again! If the amount of violence visited upon women in this country were directed at men, there would be a military lock down on all our rights.

Stay tuned. Starting tomorrow, I plan to make examples of some predators here on 360…

* * *

-=[ Love ]=-

Yup. You read that right: the Big “L.”

The word we all are scared to utter even when we’re feeling it in the very fiber of our being. Some people will go for most of their lives and hardly ever utter the word to those they most love. It’s even scarier in romantic relationships. We worry and strategize: What if I tell her I love her? Will she reject me? Will she use it against me? Will she think me to clingy? Will he say he loves me too? And what if he doesn’t say it?!!

Yup. The Big Nasty Hairy Obscene “L” Word.

We’re all afraid to say it. Or if we do say it, we’ll play semantics with the “L” word.

We’ll draw distinctions between loving someone and being in love. Apparently, there is a difference. LOL! No, I’m not that dense. I realize that when people make that distinction, they’re pointing out the difference between the attraction of the feeling of love and actually committing to it and letting it flower.

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

I’m a complicated man so I try to make things simple. For me Love is an action word, it’s something you do. When I tell you I love you it means I’m going to work at loving you. It means I am committed to loving you by acting on my feelings for you. That means that I will attempt to accommodate your feelings, be considerate, protect you, make love to you, compromise with you, do the things I know makes you feel wanted and valued. That’s what the Big “L” Word means to me. When I tell you I love you, it means I headed in a direction of a life with you and all that that implies.

So, I don’t know if there’s a huge difference there for me between love and being in love. For me it’s like being pregnant: you’re never half pregnant. You’ll never hear a woman say, “I’m pregnant, but not in pregnant with you.” That’s why I stopped making that distinction. When I love, it’s with my soul, nothing held back, caution thrown to the wind. Believe me, in this life it’s the only risk worth taking. Of course, it doesn’t mean I ain’t shitting in my pants the whole time because it’s fuckin’ scary opening up like that.

Furthermore, I become unbearable because inside I want to sabotage the whole thing and in that way not have to do it. I jump, then in mid air, I’m screaming like a bitch because why do I have to fall in love, GODDAMIT! And yet I still take the risk because when they finally come for me to put me in some decrepit nursing home where the nurses will refuse to wipe my ass for hours, I don’t want to be laying there in my shit regretting that I didn’t love in that way. That I didn’t take the risks.

I think the core issue with love is that it will enter into any mind that truly wants it. Your task is not to seek love, but seek instead all of the barriers within you that you built against it. I’ve heard it said that “Love waits on welcome, not on time.” When you want only love, you will see nothing else. If you could agree with me that love is in part a form of sharing, then how can you find it except through itself? I say, offer it and it will come to you because Love is attracted to itself. Offer hostility or contraction and love cannot exist, for it can only live in a space overflowing with peace.

I have earned that Love is already in me and that I need only to extend it outward. Going back to my perspective on Love as an action – that is the action: extending what is there already inside of me. Love is an act of will for the benefit of another. What a fuckin’ awesome revelation! Maybe that’s what my beloved means when she says she can fall in love with me.

Love is the most sacred word you can ever utter for Love is God and you could never know one without the other. Integrated, you could never again be unaware of love and Love would never fail to recognize you. And in this recognition, you will live in grace because Grace is the acceptance of Love within a world of hate and fear. In Love you will find gratitude because it goes hand in hand with love. Where one is the other must be found.

Love laughs at my defenses for the foolishness that they are and so Love will ask you to lay down all your weapons. Love without trust is impossible. People always ask me about my motivation to write in this way. I guess my aim ids to teach people to remember what they really are – to emphasize that there is no difference in what you really are and what Love is.

If all you did today was catch a glimpse of what truly is then you will have advanced on your path in an immeasurable way. See Love in you, and you will see it everywhere because it is everywhere.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon (Sex, God & Ego)

¡Hola! Everybody,
I took some time to visit my sister, who is getting better day by day, but is still experiencing a lot pain. When I hear my sister groan late at night, my heart goes out to her. It was good to see her and just spend time talking – doing something mundane together. When we are dying, we will remember those priceless simple moments.

On another note, I’ve ignored my real-life intimate relationships. It’s been a conscious decision, there’s much transition going on in my life right about now, but I’ve noticed a re-awakening lately. That urge to be intimate with someone, to sleep entwined, to share intimacy, to listen to the “symphonic pulsing” of two hearts beating as one.

Perhaps it’s the change in the weather, I’m not sure, but whatever the case, today I will follow that urge and see where it takes me…

* * *

-=[ Sex, God & Ego ]=-

We moan, we grin, and we roll apart
for some small talk
after our little piece of dying.

It is a feeble reach
for the rational,
some tiny piece of evidence
that proves we are

still alive,

once again in possession of our

separate selves,
once again intact.

-- Edward-Yemíl Rosario ©

God is love.

When we are relating to the things and people around us with care, compassion, and consideration, we radiate that Love and joy. When we are not handling things in that manner, our consciousness of our Higher Power – of the ever present energy of the Universal Principle – will be blocked by such a lack of caring. I'm here to bear witness today: there are times when I do not embody such caring, but I am trying.

To get off tangent for a moment, I know of at least one woman who probably doesn’t like me too much these days and most likely would rather not hear from me – ever. I said at least one, but there are most likely more. The irony is this: until we can undo the karmic entanglement we have created, we will be forever linked. Therefore, the point is that if you want to be rid of me, then you’ll have to love me first. LOL

I laugh, but I’m serious -- but I digress…

By not caring or being inconsiderate, we create an environment equal to that of a psychological pig sty. In that sty of negativity, not caring often means casting judgments on others. Anyone who’s ever been in a committed relationship will agree that this can be clearly evident as an expression we have taken to bed.

Part of intimacy in bed, aside from sexual intercourse, is sleeping together, something both men and women often take for granted. In actuality, sleeping together is an extremely intimate, trusting experience, although we have all at one time or another abused that intimate comfort.

How many times have you been in bed, irate because you knew the person next to you was “wrong” but wouldn’t admit it? What did that get you except righteous indignation, as you kept this intimacy with a bad taste in your mouth, or a tense stomach? The fact is you could have bypassed that righteous indignation.

Oh, I know what your response might be: “I tried. I mean, if he would only admit she was wrong, everything would be fine.” To that, I will only say that I’m not talking about trying in that way. That’s just making things – perpetuating – the argument.

Or, another response you might have is, “If only he’d stop being such an arrogant asshole, I might let him in.” To that I would say that’s not in; that’s merely allowing him out of the judgment jail you out him in the first place.

There are other ways, if you’re willing to put down the ego.

When you’re lying there with your lover in bed, you might opt to give them a light massage and as you’re doing that saying, “I don’t like being separate from you. I don’t acre anymore about right and wrong. All I know is that I want to be with you and to care for you, and for you to forgive me.”

You might say to this that why you should be the one to forgive, if you were the wronged or injured party. Another person might say, “Give Eddie a massage?!! After what that psycho ma’fucca said to me?” My response to you and people like that is that the best thing you can probably do is send the ego packing.

I will say this: be careful about sticking to your guns because you might then find yourself locked into playing the role of gunslinger for the rest of your life. And believe me, once you get with the way of the gun, there will always be another relationship around the corner for you to gun down or to gun you down at the not-so-OK Corral.

I’m sayin’!

If you desire to be with someone in warm, loving, caring, caressing support, I suggest you get rid of ego-centered way of the Mini Me, and opt instead for that tender moment.

Love,

Eddie

Relationship Thursdays [Honesty and Trust in Relationships]

¡Hola! Everybody,
My blast song (on 360), You Will Know, by Stevie Wonder, is probably one his less-known compositions, but it has to be one of his best…

* * *

-=[ Honesty, Trust, and Relationships ]=-

“You will know
Troubled heart you’ll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show”
-- Steveland Wonder

I was considering dropping the “Relationship Thursdays” because in looking back, it would seem that I’m projecting this aura of a “relationship guru” and I am far from that. Trust me, I will fuckin’ drive you crazy in a heartbeat. I am insecure, possess little impulse control, stubborn, moody, and sometimes I can be downright mean. In addition, I break rules, often cross boundaries, and suffer from what I call “Relationship Tourrettes”: that embarrassing tendency to do and say things that I later regret.

Yup. I’m a prize, ladies, so line up! LOL!

I guess I post on relationships because I see so much wrong going on in the world in the name of love and relationships. Plus, my page hits get increase on Thursdays (and Fridays! LOL!).

I would have to add in my defense, I do have a few worthwhile qualities. Not many, just a few. Life with me would be one of discovery and you will definitely experience a lot of intellectual stimulation. I like to think I’m a considerate, passionate, and experienced lover. I will make you laugh a lot, and sometimes you will feel as if you’re the only woman in the world when you’re around me. While all that might sound good, the only thing I can say with complete confidence is that I am honest. I’m not talking about the “Gee, honey, your ass is too big” honest. That really isn’t honesty, it’s sadism. A woman pointed out to me once that there’s a difference between being honest and honesty and I have to agree. The honesty I try to live is about me being as transparent as possible. I’m talking about honesty that engenders trust and for me trust is everything. In terms of relationships, nothing is more important than trust.

Nothing – not love, nor “attraction,” nor any of that other bullshit. Trust is all.

That’s my one card, that I am trustworthy – I can be trusted and I develop that trust through my actions, my life’s direction, and the consistency between what I say and what I do. To me it’s interesting that many women would rather I be “normal” (i.e., not be clingy or psychotic *grin*) than trustworthy or honest. Sure, many women blah blah blah about trust and honesty, but that’s just talk. Very few people even know what trust is. For the most part, the women I have known see trust in a selfish light. They have no clue what a genuine trusting relationship entails.

I’m not making a judgment call here; I’m stating an observation.

A few years ago, I shared office space with this wonderful woman. She was married, but she and I developed a unique and close friendship. And what was really cool was that her husband actually supported our friendship. She was an avid mountain climber and I used to think that shit was crazy. One day, she convinced to accompany her on a trip. I had no intention of rock climbing, being a city boy, I thought it would be a nice change to go into the country for a weekend.

Of course, she convinced me scale this fuckin’ wall and it was an exhilarating experience! I think rock or mountain climbing is an apt metaphor for relationship. I had to trust in her knowledge and ability and she had to trust that I wouldn’t shit in my pants, panic, and cause us both to fall. In the same way, becoming intimately involved with another is an adventure in which two individuals work to bring together their needs, goals, and desires and to maintain the balance needed to keep the relationship intact.

I’ll stretch the analogy even further and state that as the relationship deepens in involvement – as the climbers go higher up – the risk associated with depending on another increases. At first, the level of interdependence becomes more intense and the stakes to be lost increase. In addition, it become clear that the efforts of neither partner alone can achieve the balance needed to maintain the relationship. A solo climber is a foolish or dead climber, and either partner loses their grip both will plunge to the floor beneath.

My analogy highlights the important elements in understanding the relationship between trust and risk. Everyday we make decisions in our relationships: decisions to commit further or withdraw, what course of action to take in the face of a conflict, to make use of an opportunity or to let it pass by.

Oftentimes, these decisions are difficult and full of risk, in the process forcing us to face our fears and hopes when it comes to depending on another for our needs to be met. In the same way that mutual trust enables climbers to conquer the mountain, it provides the crucial foundation from which relationship partners can confidently approach the task of making decisions. This provides the explicit contract of commitment to good intentions that makes everything else run smoothly.

A woman once asked me, “What can I do to make this better for you?” It blew me away. All my anxieties about the relationship and the decisions I was contemplating disappeared. Her question told me explicitly that she was there with me and that she was willing to move the relationship forward. Unfortunately, that relationship was stillborn – it never worked out because I felt the values she expressed weren’t in line with her actions, but it was still a powerful thing to say.

This brings me to matter of how to build trust in a relationship. I’ve mentioned one when I related the story of the woman’s question me: responsiveness. Responsiveness is acknowledging a partner’s disposition. In other words, feelings of security are strengthened when a partner’s actions are geared toward a person’s particular needs. For example, when that woman asked me what she could do to make it better, it signaled to me a special consideration of my needs and preferences. Sometimes by choosing to put aside his or her own preferences in order to satisfy those of the other, a partner demonstrates genuine care about the person and is fundamentally motivated in the relationship.

There are other factors in building trust in relationships, of course. There’s dependability, which is the most fundamental way in establishing trustworthiness. A trustworthy partner is one on whom you can depend, who can be relied upon time and time again, to act honestly and with consideration.

There’s also the all-important capacity to resolve conflict in a manner that doesn’t neglect a person’s needs or jeopardize the relationship. If there is a sense of confidence in the couple’s ability to resolve conflict, the trust grows. I think that the belief that it is safe to depend on the integrity and compassion on the other’s motives is essential to conflict resolution. If I have that, we can conquer the world, let alone our conflicts.

Finally, there is faith. Faith in this sense means a sense of closure with a lot of emotion in it: there is a sense of closure regarding the partner’s trustworthiness and the future of the relationship. Faith in this sense is connected to an individual’s view of the partner of that takes in the good with the bad. That is the extent to which a partner can come to terms with a partner’s faults.

I guess women need a lot of “faith” when it comes to yours truly. LOL!

Love,

Eddie

Jealousy

¡Hola! Everybody,
I will be gone for most of the day running my “freedom” workshop at the women’s prison. Today marks the Year of the Rat. For today we are supposed to stay away from all negativity.

* * *

-=[ Jealousy ]=-

Perhaps you’ve heard a similar story as the wife who became suspicious when her husband called her at work to as what time she would be coming home. She thought, “He never calls and asks that. He must have another woman in our house. Our bedroom. Our bed!”

She ran out leaving a promised report unfinished, got in her car and drove like a maniac, barely missing a major accident. Two blocks before she got home, she turned off the lights and a block away, she put her car in neutral so her husband wouldn’t hear her approaching. At the front door, she took off her shoes, tiptoed into the house, and went directly to the bedroom, ready to catch them. No one was there. Then she heard a cork pop in the kitchen and, thinking they were having a drink in the kitchen, she stormed into the kitchen – almost causing her husband to have a heart attack – only to find him there, fixing dinner for her. He had called her so he would have dinner ready by the time she came home.

Still caught in the grips of her jealousy, she said, “How did you get her out of here so fast? I can smell her perfume! How come you’re cooking? Feeling guilty?!!”

These jealous acts resemble paranoia.

I’m not normally a jealous person. In fact, I have at times been accused of not caring because it’s rare when I experience jealousy. Whenever I do get jealous, it’s usually in the beginning of a relationship and then only if a woman’s words aren’t aligned with her actions. If I do find myself having doubts and experiencing bouts of jealousy, I will do one of two things. I will express my feelings, or walk away.

Now, I’m not talking here about clear-cut violations of trust. For example, if your lover doesn’t call you because she was “tired,” but you find out she was calling someone else, then that can turn to jealousy, but in my book, that’s when I bury her, mentally speaking. LOL In other words, a violation can lead to jealous feelings, but dropping a person who doesn’t value you is smart, as far as I’m concerned. Kick ‘em to the curb! If you’re busy getting jealous in such a situation, then you’re gonna get hurt. I have an open heart, but also an open mind.

Feeding the Green Monster is a dangerous thing. Many people use jealousy to manipulate situations. Jealousy feeds on itself to the point where an individual literally loses his or her mind. I can’t, I won’t do that.

Love is perceived as a scarce commodity. People seek it, hoard it, and will do almost anything to keep it – even to the point of extreme humiliation. As long as love is look as a limited resource, jealousy will reign supreme.

Jealousy is a defense mechanism involving many aspects of your personality. If you attempt to tackle just one part of the mechanism, it usually doesn’t work. As an example, if you’re jealous because you think your mate is flirting with someone else and that causes a break up, in your next relationship, you will most likely face a similar situation because of the unresolved parts of your intricate defense mechanism.

What worked for me was fixing the inner mechanisms that made me susceptible toward jealousy. In that way if someone behaves in a way that doesn’t work for me, I can deal with it as information, rather than through a knee-jerk emotional reaction.

Jealousy is actually a process involving vision, self-image, and imagination that has as its foundation a weak self-concept. It comes from that place of “I’m not good enough,” and that once my lover sees who I truly am, they will see my lack of worthiness. This creates a vicious cycle that only serves to reinforce that perception of lack.

Jealousy is found mostly in the relationships of people who experience a lack of love for themselves. Until a person does everything she can do to recognize her true worth, all her relationship will be vulnerable to jealousy. I say this because it is learning to love oneself that one realizes that love isn’t a limited commodity, but rather an infinite source of joy. Too many people are more concerned about fulfilling ego needs and calling that love.

People say, “I want to be loved.” If you, take away the ego (“I”), and desire (“want”) and what are you left with? If you don’t stay focused on the loving, then you may fall into the patterns of jealous accusations, often without proof, but with self-righteous indignation.

Jealousy reveals not only a person’s lack of trust for someone else but also a lack of trust for himself. The fear of losing the love of your lover or that they will love someone else more is a driving force. Jealousy is a highly destructive force involving paranoia as a support system. I have seen people going to extraordinary lengths to justify behavior that was actually a strategy to cover their own unreliable behavior or their own insecurity, which had nothing to do with the other person. For example, I know of a man who came home late from work one night, and when he went to flush the toilet, he noticed two cigarettes. He actually reached into the bowl to pull out two urine-soaked cigarettes in order to see if the brand was his wife’s.

I think the best way to handle feelings of jealousy is to share them with your lover, honestly and in vulnerability, not in accusation. In this way, you take responsibility for your feelings.

I did that once and my lover smiled and hugged me for caring so much. She sat with me, assured me how much she treasured me and invited me to ask her any questions. In that simple way, she evaporated my concerns. I asked, she answered, I felt better and apologized, and she loved me for caring and being honest.

I’m known for being a notorious flirt, and as a single person, I’m totally out of control. I should also note that I’m not the same way when in a relationship. However, a woman can see a good-looking man and enjoy his appearance, as can a man enjoy a woman’s. The point being looking is not the same as touching. Just because we’re in relationships doesn’t mean we lose our eyesight. I remember once a lover pointing out another woman and both of us sharing in admiring her beauty. In this way, gender issues can be resolved. This was her way of acknowledging that I probably still looked at other women’s derrières and that she was okay with that. We would even play around with that in humor. We would take Saturday afternoon walks, point out different men and women, and have fun with that. Humor is probably the best antidote for jealousy. And if you don’t have humor in your relationships, then I suggest you reexamine that because very little in this world lasts without humor.

You can’t resolve jealousy by logical reasoning because it’s not a logical process. You and your partner have to demonstrate trust and unconditional loving by behavior. Do what it takes to improve your own self-image. Do those things that give you an experience of your inherent self-worth. This could include taking art classes, going to the gym, or doing things on your own – whatever works for you.

Jealousy cannot survive in an environment of worthiness, appreciation, and love. Instead of trying to erase the effect of jealousy, you can eliminate the cause at its root by strengthening yourself.

Love,

Eddie