The repeal of DADT by the numbers.

I know its small but just give it a click to enlarge it.

I have to say that seeing it laid out like this makes me very proud of my country.  Very proud indeed.

Of course not EVERYBODY shares my pride.

Courtesy of Pink News:

A Catholic woman from Massachusetts says she is so disgusted by gay people that she fears leaving her house.

You know the TRULY sad thing is that this woman, Stacy Trasancos, has quite a lot in common with gay Americans. You see it is fear of running into homophobic people like her that makes many of our homosexual brothers and sisters too afraid to leave the closet.

Texas Christian Military organizations sue to make Christian prayer mandatory at funerals for ALL veterans. Even if the deceased were NOT Christians.

Courtesy of Atheism.com:

In Texas, three Christian military organizations -- Veterans of Foreign Wars District 4, the American Legion Post 586, and the National Memorial Ladies -- have filed suit against the VA because the Veterans' Administration doesn't include Christian prayers in vets' funerals unless the deceased and/or the family request it. They are claiming that Christianity and Christians are being discriminated against when Christianity isn't inserted into every funeral, whether the family wants it or not. 

"It makes my skin crawl that liberals are attempting to drive prayer out of a funeral ceremony for our heroes," Texas Rep. John Culbersontold Fox News, which has given significant airtime to the controversy. "We're going to fix this so that no Obama liberal bureaucrat will interfere with the funeral of a hero." 

In addition to supporting the lawsuit, Culberson has threatened to stop the salary of the cemetery director who enforced the no-consent-no-God rule and to hold hearings in the fall investigating the VA's anti-Christian stance. ... 

Marilyn Koepp, secretary of National Memorial Ladies, a volunteer group that attends veterans' funerals, shares her woes with Fox News: "It's very hard for me to be at the funeral of one of our veterans ... and we just make that decision that we will say God bless you, and how can someone tell us, no you can't." 

The VA's position is both clear and correct: 

"The idea that invoking the name of God or Jesus is banned at VA national cemeteries is blatantly false. The truth is VA's policy protects veterans' families' rights to pray however they choose at our national cemeteries. Put simply, VA policy puts the wishes of the veteran's family above all else on the day it matters most -- the day they pay their final respects to their loved one."

It does not take somebody who is an Atheist, a Muslim, a Jew, a Buddhist, a Hindu, or any other non-Christian religion to see how this is wrong.  All one has to do is imagine how a Christian family would feel they had no choice but to listen while prayers from the Koran were read over the body of their deceased loved one.

Could you imagine how Fox News would react in response to that kind of a story?

Isn't it in Matthew 7:12 of the King James Bible that reads: Therefore all things whatever you would that men should do to you, do you even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Do these idiots not even read the words in the book that they fight so hard to thrust into the faces of the people around them?

Sunday Sermon [Acceptance]

¡Hola! Everybody...
It's another beach day today! During the 60s there was a famous poster depicting a swami, complete with flowing beard and robes, on a surfboard with the caption, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” LOL! Here’s something to consider, especially relevant when life’s “waves” get too rough…

* * *

-=[ Living Life on Life’s Terms ]=-

This too shall pass...

The last thing we want to hear when we’re in pain is some truism. We’re in pain and clichés really have no place at the moment of impact. I mean, would you tell a victim of a car accident, “This too shall pass?” Well, I know some people who probably would! LOL

Nevertheless, clichés become clichés because they contain truths. Some of the most important teachings that help us with life’s hardships are simple to understand intellectually, but harder to integrate psycho-spiritually. It is only when we are finally free from a hurtful experience that we can claim to understand a truth. The following is based on a true story...

Being in prison is depressing, to say the least, and as the prisoner looked at his surroundings -- the stone walls, the cold cell, the bars -- he couldn’t help but feel the weight on life on his shoulders. As the days passed, and the reality of his sentence settled in, his heart sank lower. Then one day, he attended a mandatory meeting and he heard one of the speakers say, “This too shall pass.”

At first those words elicited resentment, but as the days passed, those words seemed to pull him through. He printed those words on a blank sheet of legal pad paper, and he taped it above his bed and in that way, those were the last words he would see at the end of the day and the first words upon awakening. Eventually, he would pay an artist friend two packs of cigarettes so that now he had the words artistically engraved with fancy calligraphy on heavy stock paper. No matter how hard it got, he would look at those words and remember, “This too shall pass.”

On the day he was released, except for a few books, he gave away most of his belongings. As he was leaving, a friend asked about the sign, and the prisoner left it, perhaps hoping those words would comfort the next resident of that cell.

As he went about picking up the piece of his life after release, he would continue giving away that message, speaking on it at meetings and sharing it with those close to him -- those who were suffering. And even when times were bad, he never got depressed because he remembered the truth of, “This too shall pass,” and he struggled, one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time. There were good times too, and he made sure to enjoy them, but never carelessly or mindlessly. In times of joy, he remembered again, “this too shall pass,” and so he continued living his life on life’s terms, not taking anything for granted. At first, living in this way, it seemed as if the good times lasted much too long.

Years passed, and the rewards of his actions accumulated, the former prisoner would become a lover, a father, a dutiful son, a husband. But along with the victories came pain and he would experience the loss of loved ones, relationships lost, the trials, and tribulations of life. He buried loved ones, grieved the losses of love, and experienced the slings of betrayal. Even then, “This too shall pass” still gave him hope and served to keep him focused and directed.

And that was his message to his friends and family -- to any who would listen. Finally, he understood that depression and sadness is a form of prison that “this too shall pass” helps us pass through. It is also one of the secrets to avoid depression, which is too often taking the happy times for granted.

My name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization...

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step Three]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I was watching some clips of Charlie Sheen last night and I have to say that if you want to see a meltdown, then watch these clips.

I will say Mr. Sheen has major cojones, but I would have to qualify that by noting that he seems to be extraordinarily defended. Mr. Sheen’s bravado seems to be a defense mechanism against a glaringly obvious insecurity. In other words, he appears to me like an egomaniac with low self-esteem.

Actually, he reminds me of me when I was an active addict. In fact, if I had had the fame and money Mr. Sheen has when I was active, I would most likely be dead. And while I wasn’t fucking Denise Richards-caliber starlets, I was just as recklessly promiscuous. In fact, I get kinda turned on thinking about what Mr. Sheen did with Ms. Richards... never mind!

Seriously, I’m not here to pass judgment on Sheen, nor do I think what he’s going through is in any way humorous. In fact, I’m not even calling him an addict. I can’t do that. I do find the clips difficult to watch. However, he’s correct in at least one thing: 12 step fellowships aren’t for everybody. However, if you were to ask me how I got clean, I would have to tell you that the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous saved my life. My experience also tells me that working the 12 Steps could be beneficial for everyone, regardless of whether they identify as an addict.

* * *

-=[ Turning it Over ]=-

Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The first time I came to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, by the time I reached this step, I had quit. This is bullshit! I told myself. Fuck that God shit.

I wasn’t ready for recovery and I spent the next five years, the worst of my life, chasing a bag, a piece of ass -- anything that could get me outside of myself. In a very real way, my addiction was my Higher Power, and at some level I knew this, but I would not kneel before a God I didn’t believe, or religious principles that I saw as intolerant and juvenile.

I didn’t sit still long enough to read the part of the step that says: ... as we understood Him. The second time around, I was desperate to learn and to live more effectively, more wisely. I was more open, but I also knew that I couldn’t pretend to submit to religious dogma and not go back out.

My First Step work forced me confront the contradiction of my addictive process: that I felt powerful when in fact, I was powerless and needed help. The First Step gave me hope... However, having internalized and accepted my powerlessness (not to be confused with hopelessness), I was left open and vulnerable, and while I understood my powerlessness, I needed something to latch onto, some form of support.

My Second Step work helped me come to terms with trust -- at least a little bit and it challenged my feelings of grandiosity, bringing me to the realization that I am a human being, and as such, I am not all-powerful -- the “Great I Am.” It taught me the value of surrendering my small self in favor of my Higher Self. The Second Step helped me take a good look at faith and it helped me begin my spiritual search anew with fresh eyes. In fact, I see my entire history of active addiction as a spiritual search gone wrong. Recovery was a matter of turning that mad search into something sane and good.

In the beginning, I was able to accept the collective consciousness of the fellowship of NA as my Higher Power, but as I continued to work the steps in my life, I came upon the teachings of Buddhism (The Dharma) and I accepted them as my Higher Power. In Buddhism, I found a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity.

In NA, there are no “shalts,” nothing is forced down our throats and everyone works the steps to the best of their abilities and at their own pace. The first three steps serve as a foundation, a bridge, back to life. It’s not about belief, but about practice. Believing is not enough; it is through living and applying the steps that we recover our Original Self. I think what’s most important for anyone, is maintaining a frame of mind described by Zen masters as “beginner’s mind.” In the mind of an expert, it is said, there are few possibilities. But in the mind of a beginner, everything is possible.

Let me add that I as I have progressed spiritually, I have come to realize that bridge back to life was made from the bones of those who came before me. many of whom never got clean, never tasted spiritual freedom...

Truly, change and recovery are about coming back to a state where we’re open to suggestions and looking at life with fresh eyes. It’s about dropping the mess and listening to the message. If you’re like me and many others, there are issues that have tested you sorely. Whether it is drugs, sex, relationships, your emotions, food, or other people, we all have found ourselves at our wit’s end at one time or another. The Third Step is about letting be, as the Taoists put it.

One thing I was painfully aware of was that whenever I imposed my will, things got messed up quick. If I was in a relationship, my will meant lot’s of insanity. Imposing my will on my addiction meant that it made it worse because my will was warped. So recovery (and the Third Step) is a lot about letting go of the impulsive need to control. It’s about allowing a Higher Principle, Higher Power, or God -- or whatever you choose to call it -- guide your actions.

For me, that Higher Power as I understand it, is The Dharma. In other words, instead of exerting my will on my addictive behaviors, I was letting go in favor of a set of spiritual principles that emphasized ethical behavior, contemplation, and cognitive restructuring. Rather than chasing a bag, or the delusional grasp for happiness through destructive behavior, I was instead flowing into a spiritual practice that guided me toward a saner way of life. For my purposes, I do not believe in an Abrahamic God, but I am an addict in recovery.

My experience teaches me that when I’m less reactive and defensive, life becomes less stressful and simpler. The truth of the matter is that I’m constantly taking my will back. I become a backseat driver to my life and demand to make a left turn, when my Higher Power (as I understand It) is telling me to make a right. There are times I’m downright nasty about it and I take the wheel and “all of sudden” there I am, ass out on Broadway. In my early recovery I would take my will back on an hourly basis. I had the good fortune to have someone explain to me that recovery (and life) is really about practice not perfection. The point is if we’re to evolve, then letting go becomes a way of life. These principles are guidelines to progress. The issue isn’t spiritual perfection, but spiritual practice. No one, my guide told me, gets this perfectly.

Whatever your understanding of your Higher Power, it is suggested that it be a loving and understanding. For me this means living a life of non-harming, of skillful speech and action. If I can turn my life over to that Higher Power, then I’m released from the bondage of my smaller, ego-driven self. For some this can mean throwing away the concept of an angry and jealous God for one that is loving, accepting, and compassionate. It could mean an understanding of God that resides within, instead of the concept of a God-in-the-sky. Perhaps the Universal Principle is a stream flowing through all of us. Maybe my Higher Power, rather than being an old white guy with a beard can look like Halle Berry, instead. Who’s to say? LOL! What’s important, in this spirituality, is that your Higher Power be loving and trustworthy.

Most importantly, this step is all about coming to terms with trust. It is really about learning acceptance, of letting go the compulsive need for control. In my active addiction, I was more concerned with control than about relationships. Lack of trust, my friends, is really about control. If you don’t trust someone, then you’re trying to control that person. In other words, lack of trust is the impulse to control because if you can’t trust another, you want to do everything yourself. And how has that worked so far?

Let go...

This is for you, whoever you are. Take what is useful. but this is mostly for the still sick and suffering addict out there all alone thinking there’s no way out, or defending a madness slowly killing him or her.

My name is Eddie and I am an addict in recovery...

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step 1]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Life is change/ Growth is optional/ Choose wisely -- Karen Kaiser Clark

* * *

-=[ Stopping the War ]=-

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
-- The First Step of Narcotics Anonymous

I was once told that my spiritual principles were as a bridge back to life. What I didn’t know then was that this bridge is built on the very bones of those who came before me. This series of posts is an attempt to honor that sacrifice.

I don’t know if this will work for you, but if you were to ask me, this is how I recovered my life. My story is a narrative of a life lived on the extreme edge and you might find it hard to identify with some of its elements. All I ask is that you try to identify with and not compare my story. Listen to the message and not the mess.

I believe all people, regardless of whether they are addicts or not, can benefit from an application of the 12 steps.

The First Step confronted me with two problematic words: powerless and unmanageable. I also didn’t notice at first that every step began with the word “We.” I was a loner; “we” wasn’t a word I used much. Everything was about me. They say an addict is an egomaniac with low self-esteem, and I believe that was how I felt.

Let me just say that 12-step recovery is about action. Every step involves growth, exploration, and action. I think people have huge misconceptions about 12-Step Fellowships. People in recovery like to say that the first step is the only step you have to get perfectly. I disagree, recovery is an ongoing process, and my understanding of the first step expands as I grow. However, there is a level of acceptance necessary for the integration of this step. But I get ahead of myself…

There are several powerful psycho-spiritual factors at work in the First Step. Primarily, there is an admission. Admitting to a problem has become a popular notion in our culture that first came to prominence in the recovery community. Admitting touches on the first spiritual principle of the first step: honesty. However, admitting means nothing without acceptance. For example, I had no problem admitting I was an addict; I could be honest about that. LOL! That and $2.50 got me on the train, which is another way of saying that admitting by itself it is worthless. It wasn’t until I embraced another core spiritual principle of the first step, acceptance, that I was then able to make changes in my life.

The more meetings I made, the more I heard my own story being told by others who were honest about themselves. I began to see that I had a lot in common with these people when it came to my to my addictive behaviors. It took me a long time to come to grips with powerlessness. I was raised to think of myself as powerful. I was taught that if I exerted my will on any issue, that I could overcome anything in the world. If I had enough cojones and worked hard enough, I could have power over anything.

Besides, it wasn’t my addiction that was the problem, it was everyone else. At least that was what I told myself. If only other people got their shit together and external situations in my life corrected themselves, I wouldn’t be in such a fix. The problem with my thinking was that it involved exerting willpower. The problem with my willpower was that it was warped. The more willpower I exerted, the more I fucked up. I tried everything: using only on the weekends, snorting instead of using needles, drinking instead of using other drugs, using only certain drugs in certain combinations, etc. No matter what I tried, I always ended up in the same place: all fucked up.

Imagine a machinery part that was made to perform only one action, or to move in only one direction. No matter how much you oil that part, no matter how much you try to fix it, it will still perform what is was meant to perform. Similarly, if the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything begins to look like a nail. simply put, if i wanted to change, I needed to develop new tools, to step out of confines of my comfort zone. For me to begin my journey, I first had to surrender. In fact, as I look back now, the whole process of recovery is one long, beautiful, liberating process of surrendering.

The First Step is like the beginning of a hero’s journey. In the archetype of the hero (or errant knight), most heroes begin reluctantly, clumsily, and then forces beyond their control propel them past their ordinary lives into a journey of personal change and renewal. Like most addicts, I was unaware of aspects of myself -- my feelings, for example, and the wreckage I was creating. The first step freed me to begin my quest for self-knowledge and transformation.

Admitting to powerlessness took me years; accepting that admission brought me to the gateway of healing and sanity. That was also about another core spiritual principle: willingness. instead of willfullness, what I needed was willingness. It’s part of what is often called the HOW (honesty, openness, and willingness) of recovery.

The first step is not about defeat. It says powerlessness, not hopelessness. We have no power over many things. Take the weather, for example. You can’t stop the rain, but if you take the time to stop, look, and listen, you may come to realize that using an umbrella is a lot better that railing against the elements. We have no power over how others act or think yet we spend enormous amounts of time and energy trying to exert control over other people. oftentimes, we don’t even have power over our own emotions, but we can learn to relate to them differently.

The first step is really about admitting powerlessness over living in the extremes. Try fighting the rain, or better yet, a hurricane, and you’ll get a sense of what it is to fight addiction. You have to surrender.

As part of taking the first step, you take an inventory of the consequences of your addiction. For me this meant documenting the jobs I lost, the people I hurt, and most of all, the harm I did to myself. In this way, I could no longer deny the unmanageability of life as an active addict. This was a hard nut to crack because I never wanted to admit my life was unmanageable. I had it together, I liked to think, I just went a little overboard sometimes.

I also discovered the insanity of the obsession that led to the compulsion and how my fight would be fruitless until I surrendered. If you’re fighting an inner war, then someone has to lose. If you’re fighting an inner war, it follows, you will always lose.

Taking the first step clearly showed me that my thinking had little connection to reality. There were countless times, for example, that I would experience a blackout. With a blackout, you can sit down one minute and the next thing you know you missed an entire episode of your life -- while conscious. It’s similar to what I imagine a time jumper would feel. One minute you’re in one place and the next, you’re somewhere else and you don’t know what the fuck is going on. One time coming out of a blackout, I had a whole party-full of people wanting to kick my ass, and I had no clue why. It seems I propositioned the bride-to-be (it was an engagement party) and that kinda pissed a few people off. I once came out of a blackout in a different state and different year. Still I couldn’t admit my powerlessness. It wasn’t that something was wrong with me, I rationalized, it was those damned stuck up muthafuckas, and besides, I know that bitch at the engagement party wanted me. Perhaps you may have never this extreme form of powerlessness, but have you ever had a situation spiral out of control to the point that you were at a loss?

Most of all, the first step is the beginning of the undoing of the karmic consequences of denial. I had to be brought my knees -- from hopelessly addicted to institutions and even close to death -- and still I wouldn’t admit my powerlessness. There was definitely a lot of evidence of unmanageability in my life. Shit, I attempted suicide at least once. What “normal” person can say that? More than anything, I was addicted to insanity.

Oh, and yes, I’ve kicked more habits than I can remember. I just could never stay stopped. It was never really hard kicking a habit. But addiction, I soon learned, was not merely about substance abuse. I would get “clean” and chill for six-seven months, but when I started again, it was as if I never stopped. My last day as an active addict, I had spent $300 after having been released from an institution for exactly fourteen days. I went from clean to a $300-a-day habit at the drop of a hat. I would say that’s unmanageable...

However, there are other ways our powerlessness and unmanageability manifests in our lives. Whether it’s food or cigarettes, or relationships, I think we can all look where we’re slowly killing ourselves, suffering needlessly, or causing ourselves and our loved ones harm. I believe we all can identify with the need to exert control and the denial of powerlessness. I use my life as an example because the extreme manner in which I lived it makes it easier to illustrate my points, but we all have the dark places, the places that scare us.

Today, I apply the first step to many things in my life, especially in relationships and to certain behaviors. Addictions like to migrate. One might be able to kick the heroin or the alcohol, but then you see people acting out sexually or financially. If you don’t do the inner work, applying these principles in all your affairs, then you’ll continue to be in the grips of addictive behavior. The first step stipulated that I was powerless over my addiction. Addiction is not about a substance, but a way of thinking.

Eventually, I began to think of the first step as something similar to the concepts of Aikido or Wing Chun, two martial arts that stress the importance of never meeting force with force. In a sense, the first step is about learning to flow with the forces of life instead of fighting all the time. It’s learning to transform difficult emotions into opportunities for healing. It’s knowing that you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Love,

Eddie

Resources

Alcoholics Anonymous: Official website

Narcotics Anonymous: Official website

Recovery USA, llc: Recovery USA, llc is an online resource for those seeking recovery information, community connections, and high-quality 12 Step Recovery Supplies for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction.

Sober Recovery: The Alcoholism and Addictions Resource Guide. "Our Sober Community is always open 24 hours a day with helpful moderators in our message boards and Sober Forums."

Alano: "The Online Alano Club is a nonprofit association intended as a resource for Alcoholics Anonymous® members and groups, as well as any individual who has a desire to stop drinking. Members from other 12-Step programs, especially the Al-Anon Family Groups, also are welcome."

12 Step Radio: A great site for Recovery Music, Artist Interviews, Online Communities, Links and Resources, and more...

Note: The featured artwork is from an artist who sells the prints online. I happen to like them. His website features prints of all the 12 steps.

The 12 Steps for Everybody [Step 6]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Thursday is actually my hump day. It’s the longest day of the week for me and also the most strenuous. Thursdays I run my women's prison workshop at a women's facility and that's always a challenge. Later, in the evening, it’s my men’s group. I am fortunate in that it’s a labor of love. I’ll be away for most of the day. Make it a great day, people, there's a vicious rumor going around that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

I forgot to post something on the 6th step in June...

* * *

-=[ Willingness ]=-

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The readiness is all.
-- William Shakespeare

I believe that the concept of willingness is one that isn’t given its due -- especially when it comes to relationships. Willingness here not being the narrowly defined ego-will we might think of when we think of “will.”

Willingness is important enough in everything we endeavor whether it be spirituality, self-improvement, learning, relationships, etc. Our willingness or lack thereof, is key in all our activities.

But because of the nature of this post, I'll try to confine my reflection in the area of human relations.

I remember reading somewhere, or someone telling me (I forget which), that it was not enough for me to believe, that I had to be willing to believe. At that time, I was a bit confused about this, “Do this mean I must muster up my willpower?” I asked myself. This was during my early process of attempting a relationship with myself, which I will label here my spiritual journey.

Over time, I have come to understand willingness differently. For me, willingness entails two important components. One is surrender, the other acceptance.

Surrender/ Acceptance

By surrender I don’t mean hopelessness or humiliation, or “giving up.” Surrender, in this context, is knowing, in a very deep sense, that the concept of control is flawed -- ineffective. Surrender in this sense is clearing the way to create an open space and preparing myself to be in more harmony with the world. Realizing that there are aspects of my self and my loved ones over which I have no control, I can become ready to be changed by surrendering to this truth. In surrender, I become ready (willing) to be changed.

That makes all the difference...

I can be wrong, but my own experience has shown me that love, true love, is about change, about transformation. It’s only when we try to control it that it eludes our grasp. I could be wrong, though.

But surrender is not enough. It’s not true willingness unless it contains another ingredient -- acceptance. When I accept the truth of surrender I am already changed, I am more in line with nature and the universe. I can’t force family harmony into my life, but I can become ready to be harmonious. I can’t make a lasting love appear for me on command -- I can become ready (willing) for such a relationship when the opportunities appear.

This is what I look for most in a relationship. It’s more important than looks, than whether she can cook or not, or her attitude, or her sexual prowess -- all of that is superficial for me. When I see the internet profiles that go on at length about the qualities being sought, I am completely, utterly amazed. Sometimes it seems that some of us are looking for “The One” who will fit our wish list of qualities.

Here’s my Christmas wish list, Santa!

It’s as if we’re still little boys and girls buying into the myth.

But my question to you is really quite simple: are you ready to surrender? Are you truly willing? Willing to become completely vulnerable and naked before yourself? Because what I am trying for is to become ready -- not perfect, nor to satisfy my superficial list of ego needs/ wants. So, my question for you is...

Are you ready?

Love,

Eddie

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step Three]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I realized this morning that March had passed and I had forgotten to post Step Three...

* * *

-=[ Turning it Over ]=-

Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The first time I came to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, by the time I reached this step, I had quit. This is bullshit! I told myself. Fuck that God shit.

I wasn’t ready for recovery and I spent the next five years, the worst of my life, chasing a bag, a piece of ass -- anything that could get me outside of myself. In a very real way, my addiction was my Higher Power, and at some level I knew this, but I would not kneel before a God I didn’t believe, or religious principles that I saw as intolerant and juvenile.

I didn’t sit still long enough to read the part of the step that says: ... as we understood Him. The second time around, I was desperate to learn and to live more effectively, more wisely. I was more open, but I also knew that I couldn’t pretend to submit to religious dogma and not go back out.

My First Step work forced me confront the contradiction of my addictive process: that I felt powerful when in fact, I was powerless and needed help. The First Step gave me hope... However, having internalized and accepted my powerlessness (not to be confused with hopelessness), I was left open and vulnerable, and while I understood my powerlessness, I needed something to latch onto, some form of support.

My Second Step work helped me come to terms with trust -- at least a little bit and it challenged my feelings of grandiosity, bringing me to the realization that I am a human being, and as such, I am not all-powerful. It taught me the value of surrendering my small self in favor of my Higher Self. The Second Step helped me take a good look at faith and it helped me begin my spiritual search anew with fresh eyes. In fact, I see my entire history of active addiction as a spiritual search gone wrong. Recovery was a matter of turning that mad search into something sane and good.

In the beginning, I was able to accept the collective consciousness of the fellowship of NA as my Higher Power, but as I continued to work the steps in my life, I came upon the teachings of Buddhism (The Dharma) and I accepted them as my Higher Power. In Buddhism, I found a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity.

In NA, there are no “shalts,” nothing is forced down our throats and everyone works the steps to the best of their abilities and at their own pace. The first three steps serve as a foundation, a bridge, back to life. It’s not about belief, but about practice. Believing is not enough; it is through living and applying the steps that we recover our Original Self. I think what’s most important for anyone, is maintaining a frame of mind described by Zen masters as “beginner’s mind.” In the mind of an expert, it is said, there are few possibilities. But in the mind of a beginner, everything is possible.

Truly, change and recovery are about coming back to a state where we’re open to suggestions and looking at life with fresh eyes. It’s about dropping the mess and listening to the message. If you’re like me and many others, there are issues that have tested you sorely. Whether it is drugs, sex, relationships, your emotions, food, or other people, we all have found ourselves at our wit’s end at one time or another. The Third Step is about letting be, as the Taoists put it.

One thing I was painfully aware of was that whenever I imposed my will, things got messed up quick. If I was in a relationship, my will meant lot’s of insanity. *grin* Imposing my will on my addiction meant that it made it worse because my will was warped. So recovery (and the Third Step) is a lot about letting go of the impulsive need to control. It’s about allowing a Higher Principle, Higher Power, or God -- or whatever you choose to call it -- guide your actions.

For me, that Higher Power as I understand it, is The Dharma. In other words, instead of exerting my will on my addictive behaviors, I was letting go in favor of a set of spiritual principles that emphasized ethical behavior, contemplation, and mind training. Rather than chasing a bag, or the delusional grasp for happiness through destructive behavior, I was instead flowing into a spiritual practice that guided me toward a saner way of life. For my purposes, I do not believe in an Abrahamic God, but I am an addict in recovery.

My experience teaches me that when I’m less reactive and defensive, life becomes less stressful and simpler. The truth of the matter is that I’m constantly taking my will back. I become a backseat driver to my life and demand to make a left turn, when my Higher Power (as I understand It) is telling me to make a right. There are times I’m downright nasty about it and I take the wheel and “all of sudden” there I am, ass out on Broadway. In my early recovery I would take my will back on an hourly basis. I had the good fortune to have someone explain to me that recovery (and life) is really about practice willing and not perfection. The point is if we’re to evolve, then letting go becomes a way of life. These principles are guidelines to progress. The issue isn’t spiritual perfection, but spiritual practice. No one, my guide told me, gets this perfectly.

Whatever your understanding of your Higher Power, it is suggested that it be a loving and understanding. For me this means living a life of non-harming, of skillful speech and action. If I can turn my life over to that Higher Power, then I’m released from the bondage of self. For some this can mean throwing away the concept of an angry and jealous God for one that is loving, accepting, and compassionate. It could mean an understanding of God that resides within, instead of a concept of a God-in-the-sky. Perhaps the Universal Principle is a stream flowing through all of us. What’s important, in this spirituality, is that your Higher Power be loving and trustworthy.

Most importantly, this step is all about coming to terms with our trust. It is really about learning acceptance, of letting go the compulsive need for control. In my active addiction, I was more concerned with control than about relationships. Lack of trust, my friends, is really about control. If you don’t trust someone, then you’re trying to control that person. In other words, lack of trust is the impulse to control because if you can’t trust another, you want to do everything yourself. And how has that worked so far?

Let go...

Love,

Eddie

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step 1]

¡Hola! Everybody...
So, I began this series last year and I think I stopped at Step Four. I’m going to revive this and see if I can finish it out.

* * *

-=[ Surrender ]=-

“We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

-- The First Step of Narcotics Anonymous

This is for all those who still suffer needlessly, not knowing there is a way out. To you I offer my gratitude and love...

Every month, I will post my strengths, hopes, and experiences on one of the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. What follows is a narrative of my journey toward healing. I don’t know if this will work for you, but if you were to ask me, this is how I recovered my life. My story is a narrative of a life lived on the edge -- extreme -- and you might find it hard to identify with some of its elements. All I ask is that you try to identify with and not compare my story. Listen to the message and not the mess.

I believe all people can benefit from a rigorous application of the 12 steps and I offer this in the spirit of hope.

The First Step confronted me with two problematic words: powerless and unmanageable. I also didn’t notice at first that every step began with the word “We.” I was a loner; “we” wasn’t a word I used much. Everything was about me. They say an addict is an egomaniac with low self-esteem, and I believe that was how I felt.

Let me just say that 12-step recovery is about action. Every step involves growth, exploration, and action. I think people have huge misconceptions about 12-Step Fellowships. People in recovery like to say that the first step is the only step you have to get perfectly. I disagree, recovery is an ongoing process, and my understanding of the first step expands as I grow. However, there is a level of acceptance necessary for the integration of this step. But I get ahead of myself…

There are several powerful psycho-spiritual factors at work in the first step. Primarily, there is an admission. Admitting to a problem has become a popular notion in our culture that first came to prominence in the recovery community. Admitting touches on the first spiritual principle of the first step: honesty. However, admitting means nothing without acceptance. For example, I had no problem admitting I was an addict; I could be honest about that. LOL! That and $2 got me on the train, which is another way of saying that admitting by itself it was worthless. It wasn’t until I embraced another core spiritual principle of the first step, acceptance, that I was then able to make changes in my life.

The more meetings I made, the more I heard my own story from the lips of others who were honest about themselves. I began to see that I had a lot in common with these people when it came to my relationship to addiction. It took me a long time to come to grips with powerlessness. I was raised to think of myself as powerful. I was taught that if I exerted my will on any issue, that I could overcome anything in the world. If I had enough cojones and worked hard enough, I could have power over anything.

Besides, it wasn’t my addiction that was the problem, it was everyone else. If only other people got their shit together and external situations in my life mended themselves, I wouldn’t be in such a fix. The problem with my thinking was that it involved exerting willpower. The problem with my willpower was that it was warped. The more willpower I exerted, the more I fucked up. I tried everything: using only on the weekends, snorting instead of using needles, drinking instead of using other drugs, using only certain drugs in certain combinations, etc. No matter what I tried, I always ended up in the same place: all fucked up.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything begins to look like a nail. For me to begin my journey, I first had to surrender. In fact, as I look back now, the whole process of recovery is one long, beautiful, liberating process of surrendering.

For me, the first step is like the beginning of a hero’s journey. In the archetype of the hero, most heroes begin reluctantly, and then forces beyond their control propel them past their everyday lives into a journey of personal change and renewal. Like most addicts, I was unaware of aspects of myself -- my feelings, for example, and the wreckage I was creating. The first step was a tool I could use in my quest for self-knowledge.

Admitting to powerlessness took me years; accepting that admission brought me to the gateway of healing and sanity. That was also about another core spiritual principle: willingness. It’s often called the HOW (honesty, openness, and willingness) of recovery.

The first step is not about defeat. It says powerlessness, not hopelessness. We have no power over many things. Take the weather, for example. You can’t stop the rain, but if you take the time to stop, look, and listen, you may come to realize that using an umbrella is a lot better that railing against the elements. We have no power over how others act or think yet we spend enormous amounts of time and energy trying to exert control over other people. We don’t even have power over our own emotions, but we can learn to relate to them differently.

The first step is really about admitting powerlessness over living in the extremes. Try fighting the rain, or better yet, a hurricane, and you’ll get a sense of what it is to fight addiction. You have to surrender.

As part of taking the first step, you take an inventory of the consequences of your addiction. For me this meant documenting the jobs I lost, the people I hurt, and most of all, the harm I did to myself. In this way, I could no longer deny the unmanageability of life as an active addict. This was a hard nut to crack because I never wanted to admit my life was unmanageable. I had it together, I liked to think, I just went a little overboard sometimes.

I also discovered the insanity of the obsession that led to the compulsion and how my fight would be fruitless until I surrendered. If you’re fighting an inner war, then someone has to lose. If you’re fighting an inner war, it follows, you will always lose.

Taking the first step clearly showed me that my thinking had little connection to reality. There were countless times, for example, that I would experience a blackout. With a blackout, you can sit down one minute and the next thing you know you missed an entire episode of your life -- while conscious. It’s like what a time jumper would feel. One minute you’re in one place and the next, you’re somewhere else and you don’t know what the fuck is going on. One time I came out of a blackout, I had a whole party-full of people wanting to kick my ass, and I had no clue why. It seems I propositioned the bride-to-be (it was an engagement party) and that kinda pissed a few people off. I once came out of a blackout in a different state and different year! LOL! Still I couldn’t admit my powerlessness. It wasn’t that something was wrong with me, it was those damned stuck up muthafuckas, and besides, I know that bitch wanted me.

Most of all, the first step is the beginning of the undoing of the karmic consequences of denial. I had to be brought my knees -- from hopelessly addicted to institutions and even close to death -- and still I wouldn’t admit my powerlessness. There was definitely a lot of evidence of unmanageability in my life. Shit, I attempted suicide at least once. What “normal” person can say that? More than anything, I was addicted to insanity.

Oh, and yes, I’ve kicked more habits than I can remember. I just could never stay stopped. Addiction, I soon learned, was not about using. I would get “clean” and chill for six-seven months, but when I started again, it was as if I never stopped. My last day as an active addict, I had spent $300 and I was on the street (released from an institution) exactly fourteen days. I went from clean to a $300-a-day habit at the drop of a hat. I would say that’s unmanageable...

However, there are other ways our powerlessness and unmanageability can manifest itself. Whether it’s food or cigarettes, or relationships, I think we can all look where we’re slowly killing ourselves, or causing ourselves and our loved ones harm. I believe we all can identify with the need to exert control and the denial of powerlessness. I use my life as an example because the extreme manner in which I lived makes it easier to illustrate my points, but we all have the dark places where we butt our heads.

Today, I apply the first step to many things in my life, especially in relationships and to certain behaviors. Addictions like to migrate. You might be able to kick the heroin or the alcohol, but then you see people acting out sexually or financially. If you don’t do the work, then you’ll continue to be in the grips of addictive behavior. The first step stipulated that I was powerless over my addiction. Addiction is not about a substance, but about a way of thinking.

Eventually, I began to think of the first step as something similar to the concepts of Aikido or Wing Chun, two martial arts that stress the importance of never meeting force with force. In a sense, the first step is about learning to flow with the forces of life instead of fighting all the time. It’s learning to transform difficult emotions into opportunities for healing. It’s knowing that you can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Love,

Eddie

Resources

Alcoholics Anonymous: Official website

Narcotics Anonymous: Official website

Recovery USA, llc: Recovery USA, llc is an online resource for those seeking recovery information, community connections, and high-quality 12 Step Recovery Supplies for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction.

Sober Recovery: The Alcoholism and Addictions Resource Guide. "Our Sober Community is always open 24 hours a day with helpful moderators in our message boards and Sober Forums."

Alano: "The Online Alano Club is a nonprofit association intended as a resource for Alcoholics Anonymous® members and groups, as well as any individual who has a desire to stop drinking. Members from other 12-Step programs, especially the Al-Anon Family Groups, also are welcome."

12 Step Radio: A great site for Recovery Music, Artist Interviews, Online Communities, Links and Resources, and more...

Note: The featured artwork is from an artist who sells the prints online. I happen to like them. His website features prints of all the 12 steps.

Sunday Sermon [This Too Shall Pass]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Well, it seems that today is gearing up to be a Philadelphia vs. New York day! The Yankees, appearing to be well on their way to their quadrillionth World Championship will be playing the Phillies and the giants will be spanking the Eagles. Maybe Philly should just submit to the fact that they are owned by New York? Besides, who can sympathize with fans that once booed Santa Claus and whose only claim to fame is a cracked bell?

::blank stare::

LOL!

* * *

-=[ Living on Life’s Terms ]=-

This too shall pass...

The last thing we want to hear when we’re in pain is some truism. We’re in pain and clichés really have no place at the moment of impact. I mean, would you tell a victim of a car accident, “This too shall pass?” Well, I know some people who probably would! LOL

Nevertheless, clichés become clichés because they contain truths. Some of the most important teachings that help us with life’s hardships are simple to understand intellectually, but harder to integrate psycho-spiritually. It is only when we are finally free from a hurtful experience that we can claim to understand a truth. The following is based on a true story...

Being in prison is depressing, to say the least, and as the prisoner looked at his surroundings -- the stone walls, the cold cell, the bars -- he couldn’t help but feel the weight on life on his shoulders. As the days passed, and the reality of his sentence settled in, his heart sank lower. Then one day, he attended a mandatory meeting and he heard one of the speakers say, “This too shall pass.”

At first those words elicited resentment, but as the days passed, those words seemed to pull him through. He printed those words on a blank sheet of legal pad paper, and he taped it above his bed and in that way, those were the last words he would see at the end of the day and the first words upon awakening. Eventually, he would pay an artist friend two packs of cigarettes so that now he had the words artistically engraved with fancy calligraphy on heavy stock paper. No matter how hard it got, he would look at those words and remember, “This too shall pass.”

On the day he was released, except for a few books, he gave away most of his belongings. As he was leaving, a friend asked about the sign, and the prisoner left it, perhaps hoping those words would comfort the next resident of that cell.

As he went about picking up the piece of his life after release, he would continue giving away that message, speaking on it at meetings and sharing it with those close to him -- those who were suffering. And even when times were bad, he never got depressed because he remembered the truth of, “This too shall pass,” and he struggled, one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time. There were good times too, and he made sure to enjoy them, but never carelessly or mindlessly. In times of joy, he remembered again, “this too shall pass,” and so he continued living his life on life’s terms, not taking anything for granted. At first, living in this way, it seemed as if the good times lasted much too long.

Years passed, and the rewards of his actions accumulated, the former prisoner would become a lover, a father, a dutiful son, a husband. But along with the victories came pain and he would experience the loss of loved ones, relationships lost, the trials, and tribulations of life. He buried loved ones, grieved the losses of love, and experienced the slings of betrayal. Even then, “This too shall pass” still gave him hope and served to keep him focused and directed.

And that was his message to his friends and family -- to any who would listen. Finally, he understood that depression and sadness is a form of prison that “this too shall pass” helps us pass through. It is also one of the secrets to avoid depression, which is too often taking the happy times for granted.

Love,

Eddie

Willingness

¡Hola! Everybody...
Woke up late...

* * *

-=[ Willingness ]=-

The readiness is all.

-- William Shakespeare

I believe that the concept of willingness is one that isn’t given its proper due -- especially when it comes to relationships. The willingness I’m referring to is not the narrowly defined ego-will we might think of when we hear the word “will.”

Willingness is important enough in everything we endeavor whether it be spirituality, self-improvement, learning, relationships, etc. Our willingness or lack thereof, is key in all our activities.

But since this is a “Relationships” blog post, I'll try to confine my reflection in the area off human relations. I remember reading somewhere, or someone telling me (I forget which), that it was not enough for me to believe, that I had to be willing to believe. At that time, I was a bit confused about this, wondering if this meant mustering up some willpower. This was during my early process of attempting a relationship with myself, part of what I call my spiritual journey.

Over time, I have come to understand willingness differently. For me, willingness entails two important components. One is surrender, the other acceptance.

Surrender/ Acceptance

By surrender, I don’t mean hopelessness or humiliation, or “giving up.” Surrender, in this context, is knowing, in a very deep sense, that the concept of control is flawed -- ineffective. Surrender in this sense is clearing the way to create an open space and preparing myself to be in more harmony with the world. Realizing that there are aspects of my self and my loved ones over which I have no control, I can become ready to be changed by surrendering to this truth. In surrender, I become ready (willing) to be changed. It’s a form of psycho-spiritual Aikido, where instead of meeting force with force, one learns to flow and tap into energy.

That makes all the difference...

I can be wrong, but my own experience has shown me that love, true love, is about change, about transformation. It’s only when we try to control it that it eludes our grasp (I could be wrong, however).

But this is not enough.

It’s not true willingness unless it contains another factor -- acceptance. When I accept the truth of surrender I am already changed, I am more in line with nature and the universe. I can’t force family harmony into my life, but I can become ready to be harmonious. I can’t make a lasting love appear for me on command -- I can become ready (willing) for such a relationship when the opportunities appear.

This is what I look for most in a relationship. It’s more important than looks, than whether she can cook or not, or her attitude, or her sexual prowess -- all of that is superficial for me. When I see the internet personalities that go on at length into the qualities they are looking for, I am completely, utterly amazed. Sometimes it seems that some of us are looking for “The One” who will fit our ego-centered wish list of qualities.

But my question to you is, are you ready to surrender? Are you truly willing? Willing to become completely vulnerable and naked? Because what I look for is someone who’s ready -- not perfect nor someone who satisfies my superficial list of ego needs/ wants. My main question is...

Are you ready?

Love,

Eddie

Relationship Thursdays (Your Self & Relationships)

¡Hola! Everybody...
In response to requests, I will once again revert to writing about relationships once a week, or “Relationship Thursdays,” as I used to call it. I do this though I am single (by choice) and I don’t even own a cat!

* * *

-=[ Your Relationship with You ]=-

“Blessed is he who can laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be amused.”

-- proverb

I can easily summarize everything I have ever written about relationships by stating that all relationships are ultimately your relationship with yourself and are often reflected by someone else. How well or poorly you get along with yourself will be directly reflected by how you get along with others.

I could stop writing right now and you’ll have almost all you will ever need to know about relationships encapsulated in that one small paragraph. But there is more, though the rest of all of relationships lies more in the how of things and not so much in the why.

Still here?!! LOL If the above is true, it should follow that if you’re not doing well with yourself, you will not do well with others. In addition, you may not recognize this and do what everyone else does: blame it on someone else. This lack of awareness, in my opinion, is at the heart of relationships of all kinds, but especially true in romantic relationships.

I have a friend who is attractive, intelligent, and ambitious. But she has one thing, however, that really does not serve her well: she’s driven by an inner critic that’s hard to abide. After going through a particularly traumatic relationship marked by psychological abuse and betrayal, she spent several years eating through her issues, resulting in obesity. She managed to get herself together enough to become motivated to lose the added weight and she lost all her weight and some.

My friend, instead of rejoicing in her achievement, sees only what she has not achieved. Her discussions are framed in negative terms -- coming from a sense of lack. When I mentioned this, she became defensive and asked that I refrain from trying to “analyze” her. I left it alone, but she’s now gaining weight again and I believe it’s her inner critic that gets the best of her. When I sit with her and listen deeply, what I hear most often is someone who feels “less than.” The core issue that got her to gain the weight has never been addressed. The weight was a superficial issue -- a symptom of a core issue. Inside, she was still that fat, worthless woman that no one can ever love.

My friend is not that different from many of us. I think we all have this inner critic that’s never satisfied. In some ways, this inner critic can be of service, helping us gather the motivation to make changes or excel. But most often, this inner critic is a form of psychological self-flagellation. In addition, your inner critic, or the conditioned dissatisfaction with yourself, is often directed at others in ways that drives people away or attracts those you don’t want in your life (often someone with a stronger inner critic than yours!).

My suggestion is that you make the decision to break the habitual patterns of unhappiness by accepting a simple truth: when you leave that someone else, you are stuck with whatever is inside of you that causes unhappiness. This is not a matter of placing blame on yourself; you’re not a bad person. In fact, once you own up to the actual source of your unhappiness, you are in a position to change and transform that source.

Life is both an art and a science. I like to say that I have the mind of a scientist and the heart of a poet. This definitely doesn’t mean I’m “successful” at relationships. I am a deeply flawed man with many character defects with a predilection for anal sex. LOL I’m just coming to terms with the fact that if I become willing, the defects do not matter as much. I also understand that as I grow closer to myself, I become closer to you. And this will scare most people away, but that’s ok too, because I need the kind of people in my life who reflect my values and willingness to be open to the truth.

I have a friend who tells me that I’m a scary person. LOL I digress...

I was saying that life is both an art and a science. The art is to approach life as a spontaneous experience. The science is in validating your experience.

You have choices. You can choose to live in the present, be bound by the past, or suffer anxiety about the future. I have nothing to do with what you didn’t get from your father 20 years ago. My response last night has nothing to do with restrictions placed on your previous lover. Your boss’s attitude toward your project has nothing to do with the conditioned fear you brought in with the work.

Do you know who is doing the relating? It’s not you. At least not the original you. You might be relating through the ghosts of your past and quite possibly, the ghosts projected into your future. As a child, you may have enjoyed being frightened. As a conditioned adult you may be playing Halloween everyday of your life, and if you are not in touch with love, it can be horrific.

Let me go back to the issue of weight. Are you overweight, underweight, or perfectly balanced right now? One of the things you might want to be right now is honest. Chances are that you think you are not at a weight you would deem balanced, right? The obvious is that you can get to be thin, fat, or balanced, depending on your eating choices.

Relationships work the same way. You choose that which contributes to being emotionally thin, fat, or balanced. It is a choice to be happy or sad, in a fulfilled relationship or one of emotional pain. The menu is there with the choices that make you thin with hunger for more, or fat from gorging. Or you can choose wisely and this includes your relationship with your body, yourself, and others.

The miracle here people is called acceptance. When we come to that space where we can accept ourselves the way we are without judgment, we are then in a position to throw away our attachments to what we are not. Someone once thought I was crazy because I told them that in order for them to lose their fat, they first had to love it. Hate is a powerful binding force. Hate keeps you irrevocably attached to the object of your hatred. As long as you hate your body, you will never be able to make the changes you need to make. Your relationship with you begins with acceptance. Not acceptance in the sense of passivity, but acceptance as in letting go of the need to control.

Someone told me something the other day that made so much sense. She said that we are responsible for putting in the work, but we are never responsible for the outcomes. What she was trying to say was that we put in the work and the rest plays itself out. We can work towards a goal, but we are never guaranteed that the goal will be met no matter now much we strive. The art in life is not in reaching the end, but in the many steps you take along that journey. And so it is with our relationship with ourselves.

If you found any of this useful, let me know because I am not convinced people want to read shit like this...

Paz, Amor y Dinero,

Eddie

Unconditional Love

¡Hola! Everybody...
I was rummaging through my desk the other day, when I came across today’s photo. The gentleman patiently listening to me is a university professor and we were collaborating on a curriculum for a leadership development workshop I was creating. All the dear man asked was, “What would this [the workshop] look like if you had complete creative freedom,” or something to that effect. I guess it's true that I can be an intense individual at times... LOL!

Repost...

* * *

-=[ Unconditional Love ]=-

“If during the course of the day, no one tells you you are loved, know this: I love you. I love you unconditionally for being the way you are right now -- this very moment -- and I will continue loving you in this way until you can love yourself in this very manner.”

I remember the first time I heard these words (or words similar to the above) and thinking at the time, “What bullshit!” I mean the man saying the words didn’t know me from a hole in the wall, didn’t know me at all, had never even seen me, and he was addressing a whole group of people. How could he possibly love me in this way?

Bullshit!

I remember making a silent promise to myself never to say something so phony, so utterly banal. LMAO! Today, I say it on a daily basis, and I actually mean it -- and I know that particular man quite well.

I think there’s lots of talk about love and unconditional love in particular, but I also notice that very few people actually practice it. Which leads to today’s reflection. People have asked me my reason – my motivation – for posting these things. The answer is simple, but its history isn’t.

I first posted a personal reflection on singles site a few years ago. Someone had lost their mother, a few of us showed our support by paying our respects at the funeral, and when I went home, I jotted some notes in my journal. You see, sometimes these posts originate as part of a daily exercise I do in order to keep me grounded (sane? ). In the morning I meditate, read a quote or passage, and then I usually journal. It’s very personal -- my experience.

I posted that particular reflection on death because I felt it would’ve lessened a particular person’s pain and immediately after I was inundated with private emails from people I didn’t even know thanking me for the post. Others asked if had written it, if I had gotten it from a book, and if so, where could they find that book. Still others asked if I could post more. So, I began posting parts of my journal as a morning ritual.

That’s how it started… at least that’s how these reflections began. I’ve been posting to the web in one form or another since the early 90s.

There were (are) times when I feel foolish posting these things, I do tend to get a bit pedantic and preachy, and sometimes I wonder if this is just some form of foolish self-indulgence. But then someone will write to me, thanking me for expressing a feeling, or writing about an experience, or how he or she chose to take an action partly because I wrote about something, and I realize that this isn’t about me, it’s really about a connection. You would probably be surprised to know that when I write these things I feel humbled and a sense of responsibility because I never know who’s reading this or how the ripples of the actions of my speech will affect someone. More often than not, this involves getting my ego out of the way so that I can channel the unconditional love in some way.

Get this, if you get anything at all: I do love you – even those I find hard to love. You know: the hypocrites, gossip mongers, even those who talk about me behind my back, or belittle, or misconstrue my message. Those that puff themselves up and try to convince the world that everything is OK, and do and say things just to be a part of a clique – yep, they too are loved. Because it isn’t “me” that’s doing the loving, it’s really about becoming love a little at a time.

Do I always totally and unconditionally love?

Oh heck no! LOL! And if anyone is telling you they love you like that all the time, you better run home and check your jewelry!

I also know that sometimes loving in this way means that I don’t have to engage certain people whose actions have ill intentions. One of the best things I learned is that I can love people from far away and that compassion begins with me. Also, sometimes love means not co-signing bullshite -- or in the Buddhist context -- fierce compassion.

I like to think that meeting me is to experience this love in some way. Some people may see it in my humor, others see it as “charisma,” whatever the perception, I can say that meeting me is to be touched or changed (in many ways! ). The real punch line is that the love comes through me, not from me -- the work is to become translucent enough for the Love to shine through. Sometimes I forget that, but the “energy” reminds me, believe me.

The psychologist, Carol Gilligan, outlined four major stages of female moral development, which she called selfish, care, universal care, and integrated. Other words for those stages may be egocentric – “I care only for myself”; ethnocentric – “I care for my tribe, my country, my nation”; worldcentric – “I care for all human beings, regardless of race, color, sex, or creed”; and finally what another psychologist calls kosmocentric – where the individual experiences integration of both the masculine and feminine, and I would add, extend care to all sentient beings without exception.

Unconditional love exists – it’s the very fabric of our existence. However, how (or if) one experiences and manifests unconditional love depends totally at what stage of development you have arrived and that is where the responsibility comes in. It’s not enough to mouth words about unconditional love, one has to put in the effort to evolve and grow through the stages above and awaken to and become that love. Love, the essentially unconditional nature of genuine love, isn’t a feeling or something you fall helplessly into – it’s a state of being that progresses as you open your heart to the world of conditions.

Love is the one perfect thing in an imperfect world.

My sincere wish and hope is that you -- the reader -- will have a long and slow, loving process of growth.

Love,

Eddie