Google The Next Microsoft

Source: www.GutterUncensored.com

Just had to fix the last swinger post by re-uploading the photos. Sorry for the broken links to images earlier... The Google service that we use to host photos for the Gutter Uncensored website is fucking up of last. So sometimes you are seeing this minus sign in a circle thing instead of a huge pair of tits or a hot pussy:

Yeah, it sucks balls but hopefully Google will fix their shit soon... As you surf the web it is a Google fuck up every time you see that minus sign with the circle instead of the image you were expecting. Lately I have been getting that lame frustrating Microsoft feeling from Google. You know I hate the Google Corporation with a passion for it being one giant asshole run by little assholes but at least the products and services worked well.

Now it does not even seem have the quality thing going for it anymore. Recently Google products and services started to fail to function all together. Or even worse, totally incompatible with each other across the broad! That Google Translate tool does not work on Blogger blogs with adult content warnings yet Google Translate work perfectly on blogs using Wordpress with adult content and warning pages. Yup, Google the next Microsoft or even worse Yahoo... so SAD!!!

Send some links to Google watchdog websites like http://google-watch.org/

The Road

The road ahead is unknown. (picture by aoefe)

I've had terrible news given to me today.  It involves a close family member and it concerns a life-threatening condition and it requires immediate attention.  I don't want to say much because if this blog ever gets outed I don't want their details exposed.  I'm only writing because this outlet is my escape from reality and my catharsis.  I'm in shock and devastated at the same time.  I don't know the prognosis, surgery will tell us more.  It means a person I love will have to relearn how to walk, talk and do things we take for granted.  This person is younger as well as much more fit than I've ever been.  This person is a parent of a young child.  I can't even think straight.  I'm not looking for sympathy although I know many of you will feel it, and I love that about you all.  I'm simply writing as a way to get what's inside out.  We are close this person and I and I have never been more thankful for not having a job than I am right now.

If I resume my regular light hearted postings, please forgive me in advance for being seemingly coldhearted  - it will continue to be my coping strategy if I can bring myself to it.  Please continue to reply to my other posts, I won't mind, in fact I'll enjoy the re-direction of my thoughts.  Thanks guys.

Reading, Writing and Not Arithmetic !

Have arrived and it was as great as I hoped seeing him.  All nervousness left the building (of my head) once we kissed.  I went for a three hour walk and workout today and feel very relaxed as a result.  He's working during the day which gives me time to explore and work, although I'm somewhat heavier on the explore part.  Found a great used bookstore and plan to read, write and #$%# my way through the next few days.  Life is grand!

Path was taken during a hike today - so lovely. Sigh...

Driving Force

I'm leaving in a couple of hours to spend a few days with moi homme, Frenchi.  I'm nervous, it's been a little over a month.  You know the butterfly feelings you get when you're nervous? Yeah, that's what I'm feeling - anticipation.

I don't like long distance relationships and was reluctant to begin this one, but after over 8 months of waiting he's going to be moving much, much closer.  He may be moving in with me in fact, we haven't figured that out yet, neither of us wants to screw things up.  We know we have a good thing going connection wise and too much too soon may mess with it. We shall see, there will be lots to talk about when I'm with him this week.

I plan on blogging while I'm away, and if I find I'm not able to concentrate on writing I'm going to dig up some old posts, either here or on Girl Game and repost.

Have a great week peeps, I'm going to!!

Thanks blogger friends!

A shout out to other blogs who link me or send traffic my way.   Thanks!

I've updated my link list, there were some defunct ones like Roissy and I've updated their links.  Some have gone the way of the dodo bird, like Lil Girl, but some have recently revived like Clio's.  Rebekah is a lovely, sweet girl, not sure if you're visited her yet.   You'll find my link list on the side bar.

Bhetti, Sofia, Heartiste, In Mala Fide, Racer X, Paul the King, Pro Male have all directed traffic my way recently and I'm thankful!

I'm interested in exchanging links, so feel free to comment here and I'll make sure I add you.

Parade of Life

I'm enjoying my summer as I've posted before, only this morning I went to a parade with an adult friend.  It's kind of weird being the only adults present without children, but it also felt pretty cool.  We're young at heart and enjoyed every pipe band and clown that passed by dammit.

Right now I sit in my bedroom surrounded by the sounds of sirens, pretty sure that a huge booming thunderstorm which just passed has hit something.  Just two days ago a home close to mine was hit by lightening.  We're living under a dome of heat which is creating a fair amount of instability.

I have a pretty big meeting planned with a CEO who claims he wants to get me going in my business, he's very influential and I'm crossing my fingers that moula will soon be coming to my pocket.  I'm frugaler (sp) than I'd like.  No mani/pedi's for me right now.

I was planning on doing a whole bunch of stairs in my river valley, however the pouring rain has made me into a baby and I'm afraid I may melt, the gym it will be.
The few extra pounds I'm carrying is coming off, I can feel it and so will he when he finally returns!

Euphoric day

I'm feeling really good today.    Don't you love the feeling of euphoria? I can't exactly explain why I have it because if you examine my current situation it doesn't look that great especially financially.  My six week contract ends next week and I'm out of work.  I have some irons in the fire and I'm pretty confident they'll work out but there is nothing signed or sealed.  I have some money set aside, but nothing that'll carry me for months and months.  Yet...I'm still highly confident my business will be going strong by year end.  I remain terribly excited.

I am leaving my long term employer and although on the surface we are behaving very kindly and professionally, truthfully I'm disgruntled about how it all went down.  I don't want to burn any bridges and no good will come of a frank discussion because nothing will change.  I have attempted it in the months since work blew up, but haven't been successful.  Being bitter won't move me forward, so I won't spend anymore time talking about my dissatisfaction, besides I'm really happy right now.

My love life is going super well.  He's out of Province right now so I miss him, but I'll take missing someone I care about that being alone with no one to miss any day.  We haven't moved in yet, no date on when that'll happen, we have some logistics we're working on.  I love being loved, it's been a long time for me.  I was really wondering if I was too choosy or if I was too caught up in the pursuit and was being too much the writer, looking for the story etc.  But...when I look at all the men I've met and the few I had relationships with, it was preparation for this man. I was ready for him, and he for me.  Besides the chemistry we have we're well suited to each others temperaments and both are sweetly protective of the relationship.

I'm putting my whole face here because some think I hate my nose enough to chop it out of pictures. Honestly it's not terrible, I chop myself up to make myself anonymous.  So guess I blow that here huh. 

Don't bug me!

I arrived back in Canada last night ladies and gentleman.  I had a wonderful mini holiday in spite of the fact I was officially diagnosed with a parasite two days before I left.  The medication required to kill the buggers (literally) was a concoction that would make it impossible to drink alcohol without making me violently ill.  That wouldn't be so bad I suppose if my lil ole' trip hadn't been to Vegas!  Mind you I can say what I did in Vegas because I didn't forget it.  hee hee

I went to the Billboard Awards.  Which.  Were.  Amazing!  I was on the floor and got moved up to sit closer because I think I looked fancy enough.  I'm sure it helped that I had my make-up professional applied.  I don't need a chef I need a make-up artist.  Oh yea baby.

Closer and a half shot, that's more like it.  

Best performance of the night was Beyonce but gotta admit it was  thrill to see Britney Spears so close.  There was such a buzz in the audience when she came out on stage with Rhianna.  The 360 turn Cee-lo Green's piano did was tres cool too.  I stood right next to Evander Holyfield and was only five people away from Keith Urban.  Why oh why didn't he see me and dump Nicole Kidman?

All in all I feel amazing.  My little critters have been attacked by antibiotics and I have an appetite again which is both a good AND bad thing.  My boyfriend and my business are glad to have me back.  I'm glad to be back too.

I'll leave you with Beyonce's video which I saw LIVE!!!

Got topped up again.

I've been in hospital once again but this time I think I'm good to go.  A brutal flu took hold and required copious amounts of fluid to keep me functioning.

I've got bruises and sticky glue marks from the tape, my hands and arms are wrecks from where they tried to get veins.  I can brag that I have tiny veins can't I?  haha.

Yesterday was the first day I felt normal and today continued the trend.  Woot!  I'm off for a little trip to the US on Saturday with a girl friend and it's going to require some energy to shop and not have me drop.

I anticipate a return to 'normal' blogging once I'm back.

Good news on the new company I have two amazing leads and hope to see them translate to real business soon.  Life is pretty good!

Failure to plan is a plan to fail...so I'm going to be rich!

I had my last full time day at my job yesterday.   My workload was drastically reduced once the new guy took on major portions of my role and I suddenly had weekends and evening free of work related texts and phone calls. My work week on average was 60+ and most of it in the high stress range of activities - constant need for critical thinking and crisis response.  The sudden drop into normalcy was surreal in some ways.  It was easier than I though it would be, perhaps because I have a vision for my future there was very little to cling to there.

I've been contracted for the next six weeks by the same company to work two days per week, this money will assist me while I get my own company off the ground.  Speaking of my company I've been given an exclusive opportunity to be the sole contractor for a pilot project doing gap analysis for agencies throughout Alberta.  It's a coup because it opens the door wide to getting contracts based on recommendations from the reports I'll do.  The opportunity comes from an organization who is extremely well positioned in the sector I'm in.  I have a stellar reputation with this firm and it's paying off now.  I can't tell you how fantastic this is!

I have yet to finish my home office, my plan is to get it finished by Friday.  Today I'm going to work out a plan for what I want to get done for May.  I haven't formalized a strategic plan yet and want to do that so I can measure progress and set some benchmarks.  I have worked for others my whole life and have watched poor planning result in poor results.  A favourite workplace saying of mine, "failure to plan is a plan to fail."

I also plan to introduce fun to my life.  I'm not even sure what fun looks like anymore.  I do laugh, but have no fun hobbies or extra curricular stuff going on to augment the chuckles.  I will also make sure I go to the gym three days a week to reestablish weight training.  I'm starting to get fat again and that's a terrible place to be in my head, let alone my clothes.  In fact today is the start of a juice fast to clean out toxic sludge - both body and mental ick.  I will be taking a mini-vacay with a girlfriend at the end of the month and hitting boutiques which means I need to lose 10 in 21.  Fasting combined with Paleo will get me there.

Well gotta run and get to the meat and potatoes of life, okay maybe I'll leave off the potatoes.

Update my mini masses

Definition of insanity?  I just know it has my name beside it.  Just sayin'.

Work: Shitty

Love life: Hot  - back with my boyfriend.  Long story and can't go into it yet, but I think we're going to take a big step and MOVE in together.  Wowza.  That's big for me people!  Sex is amazing off the hook and he's really pretty cool and he...wait for it...intrigues me. 

I'll be leaving work mid April to work on my company full time.  I can't wait.  I'm terrified but it's long overdue and I think I'm going to make it!  My plan is to resume blogging again - I've missed all of you muchly.

Update - life's a mess and text fail

Sorry guys.  How dramatic of me to exit and then not come back.  It's been awful, don't want to lie.  I pull back to the extreme when sh*t hits the fan apparently.  Sigh...

In the midst of a whole lot of life crap I've had a break-up and you know that just adds insult to injury. 

I'm posting my silly closure letter which he won't see, in efforts to get over it.

We had dated for several months and I guess I was hoping for a happy ending.  We never declared our love to each other and I was stopping myself, just as he was, from going there.  The hope I think for both, at least I thought so, was that was where we were heading.  I have had no closure.  We saw each other on Sunday and he left my home on Monday.  I sent a text indicating I was worried he seemed troubled and asked if I could help.  He said "no, but thx".  I told him that at times I worried I was a complication in his life (there are reasons I won't go into that made me feel this way). He said he complicated life enough on his own.  I lol'ed.  I said he had a decision to make about the value I added to his life. I  said that I need to be valued and also to value what I had.  I told him I was feeling distance.    He has not text me back - that was Monday - this is Thursday.*   That about answers it. 


*I did send four texts after this.  One right after the above - which told him I was entering a hospital and wouldn't be able to text.  And one after I got out of the hospital (visiting a friend) saying the friend was doing well.  One the next day which was maybe overkill:

Me: This may be your way of withdrawing during a difficult time.  Not sure.  Was not going to contact you at all until you did me and realize that's game playing.  I don't play.  I have enjoyed our time together.  We have similarities and differences.  I believe you think I'm special/extraordinary but...timing is off and as you said the other day timing is everything.  As they say don't hate the player, hate the game. ;)

Then I waited to today and sent this:

Me: Great news in an otherwise shitty week.  I found my food chopper!!

I'm embarrassed as I write here.  What a dumb ass for trying to keep in contact with a guy who for whatever reason feels no need to contact me.  The letter below is my closure letter.  I hope to God the embarrassment of writing here, will keep me from texting him again. 


Letter to the Dude:

Dude,



There is something going on. Can’t put my logical, blond brain around it. I’m so conflicted when it comes to you. I want to believe you and then I get mixed messages. I want to believe everything you tell me and then I wonder if that’s just my romantic nature and a denial state I enter.


I told you before you left for Montreal at Christmas that I need to feel connection in order to feel strong about us. There was only one email. You explained this and I accepted it. Then you didn’t tell me you were going to Montreal until you mentioned in a conversation you wouldn’t be at work for the week. Why? I get that you need to go. Why not share that? Why keep me at a distance. I know you have the answer to that question.


I am a good person. I believe you know that. I think you know I’m in a messy work situation right now and don’t need additional stress and yet I seem to be in one with you. I have given you plenty of outs to get out cleanly. Every time I give you this option you choose to say you’re very interested? Why?


You’ve brought me into your mess. But you won’t explain what the mess is. Why? I get if you want someone to play with and this has not turned out the way you wanted. I accept that. I just need to be told that.


Someone told me you’re not losing any sleep over me. That hurts. I have a hard time accepting that based on what you’ve communicated to me. Because it makes everything you said a lie. And it makes me dumb. I think I’m in your thoughts in one way, shape, or form. Good or bad – I’m in them. If I’m not you’re a psychopath and I don’t think you’re that! Haha.


I may seek the ‘distant’ type of guy, I’m not sure. Do I believe I’m truly lovable? Pretty enough? Hot enough? A good catch? On a good day I feel all of those things, and then when a relationship doesn’t go well I question it. I may not be any of those things to you, and that sucks.


I hate that I’m writing this drivel. I risk more hurt and looking foolish and desperate and needy. God I hate all those things. I’m a very proud person. Very. Walls up everywhere. I keep myself at a distance – the ice queen. When I let them down I’m vulnerable and I allowed myself to go there with you. I feel silly.


Its women that seek the answers and have needs for closure. Men are more able to compartmentalize, I envy that. This letter will not be sent to you. It’s my own form of closure – my own cathartic letter to you – my own hope of closing the door.


Bon Voyage my French man.

Sick and/of getting fat

I'm soooo sick.  Terrible bronchial infection and a fever.  I'm at work AND I walked my 5k today.  I'm feeling fat and God forbid I miss a day of movin' my booteh.  I had a dream that I was super fat and it depressed me for a couple of days, heck I'm still depressed.  My body got in great shape while in NY for 10 days, I ate very well and walked around 100 blocks a day.  I felt and looked great when I returned.  I returned to work stress and then excuses for bad eating started.  "I'll only do this today."  Now 6 weeks later and I can see and feel the fat.  Ick. 

Today I'm back on the Primal wagon.  I gotta kick the grains and sugar again.  I feel like a heroin addict - where's my methadone?  I will eat a ton of protein in the next couple of days, I need to get into the state of ketosis in order for my food cravings to end and my appetite to drop.  I'm going to hate the next three days, but I recognize that when its done I'll feel better. 

I have no rhyme or reason for the boot pics.  Maybe it's because I need a kick in the ass??  *wink

Running back to me

I'm travelling.

I needed to get

away from the everyday.

I'm feel myself returning.

Not just home,

but to myself.

See you soon. 

Pickle

I'm in a pickle.  Not so much the pickle in the middle, I'm the one floating at the top. 

Life WILL return to normal.

Can't say when.

I'll be back - if anyone is here when I get back, I'll have a great story.

Rocky Mountain High

The picture to the left was taken on my drive in to work.  Dairy cows or canola fields guide my journey to the office.  I love the skies that go on forever but sometimes I crave a change. 

I want to escape and the place I can do it is relatively close.  Four hour drive and I've hit clean, mountain air.  I'm hoping to find a friend to go with me, but if I can't I think I'll take my jeep and hit the highway alone.

Hiking in my future!  Yes. 

I'm like a bird (flighty)

I'm writing again...a full...hmmmm...okay less than 24 hours after my last post.  Refer to the last post for context if you need to.

The writer who was disgusted with me (read post below),  read my entry today and got in contact with me.  We had conversations and I was able to understand what he meant.  We have internet kissed and made up.  I wasn't mad at him, just hurt and shocked by his disgust and his desire never to talk to me again.  He reacted strongly but he's a man and men can do that. 

Here's the crux of it.  He thought a smart woman (me) wouldn't be the kind of woman to accept a man could call her a moron (deleted post) and I'd be turned on by it.  I didn't do a good job of setting up the story because yes the guy called me a moron and yes I liked it, but it was in context of a very light teasing conversation in which I gave as good as I got.  Men aren't always able to exchange a volley of witty insults with me.  My confidence can be a little off putting, yes even intimidating.  The men want to please me rather than tease me.  I prefer the tease.

The other thing is I'm the furthest thing from moron.  If a beautiful woman got called ugly she would laugh.  It's the same with me...I'm very confident in my intelligence, in fact this guy was a match or better than I am in this dept. and he realized I have the ability to handle that particular insult.  I laughed hard when he said it.  It was damn funny. 

I thank you wonderful readers for your private and public comments - you do matter.  When this guy, internet dumped me (is there a term for that?) I was very hurt.  What you do or say penetrates as I want it to.  He wasn't the only reader who took objection with the way I'd talked about being called a moron, so I know I did a poor job of setting it up.

Truth is I want to be taken off my damn pedastal by men.  Roissy talks about this all the time.  Men should raise their value in a woman's eyes because of the omnipresent hypergamy instinct.  That guy did just that.  So did my emailer.  I feel better - I've learned something and if every day I can,  I'll be a happy bird.

Caught off guard

A reader who I'd shared brief private correspondence with has asked me to delete his number and never email him because of his disgust of my last post.  I can't describe how shocked and hurt I was by this. 

That said I've removed the post.  I'm horrified to be viewed as disgusting, but if one reader was willing to say it out loud there have to be others who are thinking it.  It's kind of how it goes. 

I am going to take a break from blogging while I figure this out.  If I'm crossing the line just to titillate readers and not being true to who I am, then I'm losing site of the purpose of writing. 

I will be back.  I just need to lick my wounds.

Update

Arghhh. Life is overly busy at the moment. Relationship in full and interesting swing. Work is in hyper-overdrive. I haven't had a minute to sit down and jot my thoughts. Thanks to those of you who are still sticking with me!

I will be writing about my new 'thang' soon. It's interesting. And good. Mostly. No...it's good.

I am looking thinner by the week, wondering if I should stop the strict enforcement of my carbohydrates. Worried I'll look old and haggard. This shot taken today, shows no wear and tear - I'll have to pay close attention - or have others tell me when to stop.

Bye for now.

Worst Week EVER!

I had one of the worst weeks ever.

One of my best friends in the world dumped me over a dude. Her dude. He botched a kitchen reno at my house and when I let him know the significant mistakes she dumped me saying I wasn't nice to her fiance.

Then one of my close family members lost a baby, five and half months into her pregnancy.

The stress of this week caused me to over analyze my boyfriend situation and I felt incorrectly he was going to dump me. We're back on track, not that it had really left it, but I guess I'm mentally back on track.

Before in stress situations I would over eat, now I can barely summon appetite to eat anything. One meal a day is doing me and that meal is very small. I have to force myself to eat - which I wish I felt worse about - but frankly because its so unusual for me I'm kind of enjoying it.

This shot reveals the fact I haven't become too skinny. I have work to do on my thighs and arms, they're too soft and large, but are improving. The bathing suit in this picture doesn't fit my chest anymore, the band on the rib cage is too large. I'm back to a C cup, which is where I'll be quite happy to stay. The picture below shows a skirt I wore in February. I can't believe I was that fat!

I still believe Primal rocks!