Dysfunctions of a Team

I love to read business books.  My experience as an executive allows me to see myself and/or my organization when I read them.  I happened to hit a used bookstore when I was visiting Frenchi last week and snapped up a few.  Reading inspires me.  I very rarely make it more than a chapter when I put down the book and start focusing on some aspect or another of my business.  I'm working to achieve my project management certification but every time I pick up the text book it leads me off in a direction for my own business plan.

This week I'm reading The E Myth Revisited, by Michael E. Gerber and The FIVE Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lenicioni.  Both have been great for moving me forward.  The E Myth has me seriously building my own enterprise like a franchise.  Operations manuals, strat plans, even a dress code are all in the works.  I actually envision it as a franchise and want to set this up at the earliest stages to accommodate for growth.  The Dysfunctions book speaks to me on a deeper level.  It's painful in some ways because in my last role as CEO I failed to build a great team.  I had two fantastic members but out of my team of seven that's a low number.  To be fair to myself I had lack of support from the owner in regards to building my team - my efforts to budget a retreat were turned down as an example.  The failure of the team and the response by the owner led me to the decision to be my own owner.  in reading the book I can see where we failed and where we could have succeeded.  Some of the members were weighing us down in critical ways and I should have 'moved' them along.  The lack of a replacement kept me from doing so, but in the end it was a huge detriment.

I can't help apply the principals of the book to my personal life.  My guy and I are functioning poorly, when you look at the bottom of the book's model which is Absence of Trust it highlights the criticalness of our current state.  I don't trust what's going on.  At. All.    What I haven't done is enter into conflict with him.  I haven't recognized the benefits of honest, vulnerable communication.  In order to be healthy this is where it starts.  I have to stop being afraid of showing my real vulnerability.  I'm so damn afraid of being hurt by him/others that I pretend that I'm super cool, independent chick with a laissez faire attitude and truth is I'm super sensitive.

Last night he failed to phone me or text me. Again.

This time I slept through the night.  I've been pulling back emotionally and distancing myself.  Which feels healthy, but isn't really.  I keep saying this will end naturally, he won't work here, the relationship will end.  What have I learned from it?  Nothing.  I've shown I can be drama free, but what has it gained me?  Again, nothing.

He text this am:

Him: Gm :) got my phone, he charged me $40, not bad! Left work at 10 last night, today n tomorrow will b same! Can't work inside starting monday.  How r u?

Me: (I waited a minute...trying to figure out what to say).  Working right now.  It is busy.  Getting together with (insert sick family member) today.  They want to see me.  I'm buried in work which helps me cope.

Him: I c, good for u! How is (insert sick family member)?

Good for me?  Ummmm...i said i'm working to cope, that's not a rah rah comment.  Anywhoo I respond.

Me: Lots of roller coaster feelings.  (insert sick family member) are remarkable.

Me: It's a struggle for all of us.  Lots of family things.  You are out of the loop, contact between us is terrible.  Let's be honest.  :)

Me: Text is hard to relay feelings. Etc. Phone contact is sporadic and short.  What do you think you and I need?

Me: Besides sex.  Lol.  :)

A couple minutes pass.

Him: Time together...I miss "us"

Me: I do too

Him: Can I call u at noon?

Me: Yes please

Him: I will xxx

Me: xxx


I don't have soaring hopes about the two of us, but I do have hopes for me.  I have got to learn that conflict is healthy for moving things forward.  To have healthy conflict I have to enter into building trust with him and with myself.  He may not earn it, he may not be capable of being trustworthy.  He may be.  I just know that we are on the ground floor.

Wake-up call

He called me at 6:00 am to hear my sleepy voice.  He says it's sexy.  I understand what he means, it's not croaky per se, but has a tone to it that is different than my fully awake voice and my demeanour is different, as is everybody's when they wake up I suppose.

We talked for a few minutes and then said our goodbyes.  Seconds later this text.

Him: U r hot my babe.  I love everything bout u!

I gave him a smiley face in return and told him I had a wonderful start to my day with his call and his great words.  I confirmed in his text type that we are gr8 together.

Him: Yes we r my sweet!  Miss u.  xox

It's been a month since I've seen his face, held his hand, kissed his lips or touched his body.  I will see him Sunday and if its not obvious I can't wait.

*ordinarily text language like this bugs me - I spell out everything in text and even use punctuation.  He gets huge leeway because he's French and has an excuse.  From now on my man will have the name Frenchi just so he's got his own tag - he deserves one.  

My own Wiener

I knew I'd do this one day.  I sent a sext to a family member instead of my boyfriend.

Can this be interpreted less than dirty:

Me: I just had something warm in my mouth (hot chocolate), I wish it were you.

Nah, I didn't think so....

Crap.

Things HE says in Text

Her: Hey I want you to know that I really appreciate how you think.  I can make things complicated in my head and you ground me.  Meaning put my feet on the ground.  It's really nice.

Him: I like ur feet in the air!!!

Texting made easy

Me: I want to cook for you a yummy Easter dinner.  Then I want to be cooking for you in our big bed.

Him: Awww! U r sooooo sweet my love!

Me: It's easy with you.

Him: Im or u r easy? jk xxx

Me: Lol. I was very easy for you.  Yep I was.

Him: :) I was 2 xxx


That's very true, there were no hidden agendas with either of us.  We were attracted physically and we liked each other's personality right off the get go.  Why play hard to get if you know you're playing.  Just sayin'.

Update - life's a mess and text fail

Sorry guys.  How dramatic of me to exit and then not come back.  It's been awful, don't want to lie.  I pull back to the extreme when sh*t hits the fan apparently.  Sigh...

In the midst of a whole lot of life crap I've had a break-up and you know that just adds insult to injury. 

I'm posting my silly closure letter which he won't see, in efforts to get over it.

We had dated for several months and I guess I was hoping for a happy ending.  We never declared our love to each other and I was stopping myself, just as he was, from going there.  The hope I think for both, at least I thought so, was that was where we were heading.  I have had no closure.  We saw each other on Sunday and he left my home on Monday.  I sent a text indicating I was worried he seemed troubled and asked if I could help.  He said "no, but thx".  I told him that at times I worried I was a complication in his life (there are reasons I won't go into that made me feel this way). He said he complicated life enough on his own.  I lol'ed.  I said he had a decision to make about the value I added to his life. I  said that I need to be valued and also to value what I had.  I told him I was feeling distance.    He has not text me back - that was Monday - this is Thursday.*   That about answers it. 


*I did send four texts after this.  One right after the above - which told him I was entering a hospital and wouldn't be able to text.  And one after I got out of the hospital (visiting a friend) saying the friend was doing well.  One the next day which was maybe overkill:

Me: This may be your way of withdrawing during a difficult time.  Not sure.  Was not going to contact you at all until you did me and realize that's game playing.  I don't play.  I have enjoyed our time together.  We have similarities and differences.  I believe you think I'm special/extraordinary but...timing is off and as you said the other day timing is everything.  As they say don't hate the player, hate the game. ;)

Then I waited to today and sent this:

Me: Great news in an otherwise shitty week.  I found my food chopper!!

I'm embarrassed as I write here.  What a dumb ass for trying to keep in contact with a guy who for whatever reason feels no need to contact me.  The letter below is my closure letter.  I hope to God the embarrassment of writing here, will keep me from texting him again. 


Letter to the Dude:

Dude,



There is something going on. Can’t put my logical, blond brain around it. I’m so conflicted when it comes to you. I want to believe you and then I get mixed messages. I want to believe everything you tell me and then I wonder if that’s just my romantic nature and a denial state I enter.


I told you before you left for Montreal at Christmas that I need to feel connection in order to feel strong about us. There was only one email. You explained this and I accepted it. Then you didn’t tell me you were going to Montreal until you mentioned in a conversation you wouldn’t be at work for the week. Why? I get that you need to go. Why not share that? Why keep me at a distance. I know you have the answer to that question.


I am a good person. I believe you know that. I think you know I’m in a messy work situation right now and don’t need additional stress and yet I seem to be in one with you. I have given you plenty of outs to get out cleanly. Every time I give you this option you choose to say you’re very interested? Why?


You’ve brought me into your mess. But you won’t explain what the mess is. Why? I get if you want someone to play with and this has not turned out the way you wanted. I accept that. I just need to be told that.


Someone told me you’re not losing any sleep over me. That hurts. I have a hard time accepting that based on what you’ve communicated to me. Because it makes everything you said a lie. And it makes me dumb. I think I’m in your thoughts in one way, shape, or form. Good or bad – I’m in them. If I’m not you’re a psychopath and I don’t think you’re that! Haha.


I may seek the ‘distant’ type of guy, I’m not sure. Do I believe I’m truly lovable? Pretty enough? Hot enough? A good catch? On a good day I feel all of those things, and then when a relationship doesn’t go well I question it. I may not be any of those things to you, and that sucks.


I hate that I’m writing this drivel. I risk more hurt and looking foolish and desperate and needy. God I hate all those things. I’m a very proud person. Very. Walls up everywhere. I keep myself at a distance – the ice queen. When I let them down I’m vulnerable and I allowed myself to go there with you. I feel silly.


Its women that seek the answers and have needs for closure. Men are more able to compartmentalize, I envy that. This letter will not be sent to you. It’s my own form of closure – my own cathartic letter to you – my own hope of closing the door.


Bon Voyage my French man.

Can't get physical (instead of the Olivia Newton-John anthem)

I may take heat for this post.  I have some qualms about writing it actually.  I know I'm going to come across poorly for one.  I like to be well thought of, who doesn't right?  Yet my experience typifies turn off for most women in regards to certain male behavior.  I gotta start by saying I like the fellow I'm going to write about.  He's a perfectly nice guy, smart and easy to talk to.  I met him  on an on-line dating site.  I wasn't wowed by his profile and definitely not by his one picture, but he was rather persistent and after several attempts and a dry spell I agreed to meet him. 

He looks a lot like Richard Dreyfus.  Not a bad looking man this date, he was much more attractive than his picture.  Yet, he has what I refer to as a preggo belly.  A hard looking, very round tummy.  His shirt did not quite cover the belleh and when he stood I could see skin, and it was NOT an attractive look.  I did not feel any physical attraction which was disappointing because I WANTED to like him in every way.   Great job, likes to travel, has good relationships with his family etc etc.  He thought I was beautiful and made sure he told me so.  I think we talked for a couple of hours.

He asked to see me again and I politely blew him off.  For a year.  Then another dry spell for me and he contacted me again.  I agreed to meet at the same place for coffee.  We enjoyed each others company once again and this time when we parted he kissed me.  A kiss says so much.  I could barely drive away before the back of my hand crept up to wipe off my mouth.  It wasn't that he was a wet kisser, it simply felt like I'd kissed my brother and it was creepy.  My heart sank.  I'd hoped I'd feel something.  Nada.

He emailed me to tell me how much he enjoyed our kiss.  How was I going to deal with this?  I replied and told him that I didn't believe we had a romantic attraction and although I liked him I didn't feel we were a match.  He was nice in reply. 

Then recently he contacted me again.  I agreed to do nachos, figuring I'd been clear that there were no romantic intentions on my part.  We once again enjoyed each other's company.  No kiss when he walked me to my jeep.

Then a call would I like to attend the symphony? Sure I said.  When we met at a parking lot and I got out of the car he was terribly appreciative of how I looked.  He said he wished he'd brought a camera.  As nice as that sounds for a woman to get that type of attention, it's not.   I know for him he simply feels 'lucky' a women he deems is hot and/or beautiful is with him, he wants picture proof.  Which as much as I hate to admit it, lowers his value in my eyes.  My hind brain is thinking I can do better if he thinks he's doing so great.  That's awful isn't it? 

We had a lovely time at the symphony.  We didn't hold hands or do anything that would lead him to believe we're a couple.  He did kiss me when we arrived at my vehicle - three quick pecks on the lips.  The next day I received a text asking me when he could see me again.  I waited a couple of hours thinking about my response.  What follows is an exchange over a few days.

Me: You ask the hard questions (in reply to his question of when he can see me again)

Him: Why is hard? Is it you would rather not see me?  Be honest.

I wait a little over 2 hours thinking about how to respond and I was busy

Me: Sorry wasn't trying to delay that answer.  I am preparing my house for some renovations. 

Me: I like you.  I know you know that.  I don't feel its a romantic like.  I very much enjoy spending time with you.  But I don't want you to be hurt if romantic feelings don't develop for me.

Him: Is that not a chance we take with any new relationship? But if you think it would not develop to more than friends thats ok but i wouldn't want to waste your time.  I like you alot as you could tell.  I would like to be a couple but I don't want you to feel like you have to see me.

Me: I'm interested in seeing you. Yes I believe that things always have a possibility of developing.  But I will be honest and tell you that I am not going to see only you.  If you are okay with that, and it doesn't hurt you them I'm okay.

Me (some more): I do NOT feel like I have to see you.  You do not waste my time.  I enjoy your company and that's the truth. 

Him: And I would see others as well.  Then there's no problem.  :)

Me: Excellent!

Me:  We ate copacetic.  (accidental spelling error)

Me: (trying to be funny) I've never eaten copacetic except Listerine

Him: Yes I would say so but please if you meet someone and take it to a higher level let me know that part of you.

Me: Will do and same for you

Him: You I wouldn't want to share

Him: Yes but I would hope it would be you  *wink

Me: lol

Him: Truth Sweetie

He texts back three days later 

Him: Hello how are you

Me: Sick as a doggie  :(   How are you?

Him: Omg babe what's wrong? Im doing good all my stuff got moved today it was so cold (he's got a brand new house to move in to)

Me: Bronchitis

Him: Omg babe do you need anything?

Me: No but thank you muchly. 

Him: Just thinking of you! Love you and miss you!

WTF!!!

I did not respond.  He loves me?! I thought I was pretty clear no?  Arghhhhh.

The next day

Him: Hi how you feeling? Hope my last message didn't make you mad.

I answer the following day

Me: I am NOT mad at you.  How can I be? Am I taken aback? Yes.  I worry that continuing a friendship will hurt you sooner rather than later.

Him: Well can I help it if you are so awesome.  :)  If you think there is no hope then I guess I should give up.  I do like you alot you know.

I wait a day

Me: I always enjoy the time I spend with you.  I can't make any promises or predictions about the future.  I know I don't want to lead you on.

Him: So what exactly are you saying? Do you want it keep it just as friends? I am sorry for coming on so strong.

So what am I exactly saying?  I haven't answered him. 

Break up complete

I broke up with him by text. That said I knew he was calling me to break up. He started to do it himself by text earlier in the day and I let him know I felt that was a phone conversation and he agreed. The hours ticked and tocked.

During the day I text this:

Me: I want the best for you. No matter what. Just want you to know that.

Dana was less than thrilled with this decision and she said this, "being super giving and nice to a guy who's treating you poorly in the non "I'm a generally decent guy who doesn't let women take advantage of me" way is not self preserving". She's right. I wasn't getting stellar treatment from this guy, I wasn't preserving my own self-respect.

So before I could get the call no one wants I sent the following text:

Me: I know what's coming. I don't want THE call. I've been hurt. I continue to be hurt. I learned stuff about me. Hopefully you learned stuff about you. Bye."

His immediate response: Serious??? That's it?

His last text: Okay aoefe I'm real sorry about all this

I have not replied. I will not reply. I've removed him from Facebook*. According to him his last girlfriend stalked his page to look at his pictures. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of thinking I'd do that.

*note to self - NEVER ever put a guy on your Facebook page as your relationship. It's embarrasing to have to go back to single for ALL your co-workers and friends to know. I'm too private for that (I know irony huh?).

I know this break-up is for the best. He wasn't the guy for me it turns out. Does this suck? Big time. It was the promise that I'll miss - not so much him.



SD commented that she didn't know what the issues were that made me think he was dumping me. I've cut and pasted my response here for those of you who won't open the comments section:


Yes I agree my details are confusing. I might write a bit more in a post. Here's a rough sketch. He worked away from me, about 6.5 hours. We hadn't seen each other in a month. He had when I was in Vegas text me saying I was cold and distant. Yes distant, cold no. I had been texting him and talking to him on the phone every day. I'd bought him gifts and was telling him this. I was anything but cold. His text came on my last night there and I insisted he call me, I knew my time would be ruined if we left it like that. He thought it was no big deal he'd said that. I apologized for making him feel like that. My nature, but trust me I hadn't felt like that. Then this last weekend he asked me to fly to a community near his so we could drive back a portion of the way. I was thrilled he asked, even though he didn't offer to pay. Our phone calls had become more difficult and stilted over the last month and I thought this proved he was interested. I flew up, waited four hour and then drove the hours back with him. I was excited to see him. We didn't have any great conversations, more of the same from phone calls. I chalked this up to him being tired. We got to my place. We fell asleep. The next morning he got up, brushed his teeth and came back to bed with a ball cap on. He said he needed a hair cut. I put a floppy hat on and said I'd join him. He was barely amused. He did not make a move to touch me, when I snuggled in to him and kissed him he said he didn't like kissing in the morning. My teeth were clean, so were his. I did make a move - because heck it had been a month. He was not interested. That hurt. I knew that something was up. He left my house to get coffees, when he returned I was sitting on my front step. I told him I was feeling hurt because I'd been rejected. He said he was feeling smothered. This shocked me. Honestly even now don't believe I did one thing to make him feel that way. And? How can you say I'm cold and distant and then smothered? It doesn't make sense. I realized he wasn't ready for a relationship. I asked him if all he was dealing with (divorce) was too much to add in a relationship. He said he'd have to think about it and would call me later. He left 15 minutes after that. I should add he'd asked me to fly to a community near his work, I had on my own dime, driven back with him to keep him company and he left within two hours of waking up. No affection. This is strange behaviour for anyone. He barely text me that day and then said he'd acted in the beginning like it was long term which explained his change in behavior. If he acted like it was long term in the beginning and then his behaviour changed then obviously he was thinking short term. I knew the break up was coming. He didn't call me that night. He didn't call me the next night and he text me yesterday saying what I said on the front step made sense. i.e. He wasn't ready for me. So I KNEW it was coming.

Does it make more sense now? I may not be explaining it well.

Fail Game

It's hard being me and kind of funny for a woman and then not being understood in written word. For example my latest post on Girl Game was totally tongue in cheek in regards to a list I wrote for women hoping to be mysterious to their potential ltr men.

This list cracks me up:

ü Wear lots of vintage pieces

ü
Read a great deal – classics like the Janes (Austin and Eyre)

ü
Go for things with darker sides – poets are mysterious

ü
Wear a shade lighter foundation

ü
Try to have a slight smile on your face but just a small one

ü
Put just a little information about yourself on social network sites – see how little you can put

ü
Make your room mysterious – like put scarves over lamps and stuff

Yet! Some people thought I was being sincere. Come on. Am I that stupid sounding? Really?

Mind you in a recent text convo with my newest prospect I tried being flirty and failed.

Him: (we were introduced by our hair stylist). So Michelle says hi. I have some gossip to tell you but you'll have to wait until we get together. Is that torture?

Me: I like to wait.

Loaded right? Nope. Total flirt opening I gave him.

Him: That's not like most women I know. My sisters can't stand when I don't tell them stuff and they're pathetic at keeping secrets.

Me: I guess I like anticipation. But don't get me wrong I will have a guess.

Him: It's not that big a deal but it will give us something to talk about.

Perhaps it wasn't a 'my fail' but a 'his fail'.

Thoughts?