Boom!

What a busy week for business!  I'm up to six business contracts and two volunteer projects.  My sister thinks I should stop volunteering my services but I know the tie into this organization is going to bring me more money, so it doesn't pay not to give.  Make sense?

I have been, as I said earlier, quite deliberate about setting myself up in an organized fashion.  This is going to pay off in spades as the work pours in and I need to assess whether I can accomplish what I'm promising.  In order to pay may bills and debts (mortgage) effectively I am only about a 1/4 of the way there in dollar amounts.  I'm fairly confident that some of my current contracts could put me up to 1/3 of the way.

I have been hired by one organization to do executive coaching for the leader.  He has a Masters in Leadership so I find it interesting that he wants my services.  We met for almost two hours the first time and are planning our second meeting next week.  He tells me he finds me  to be trustworthy and in touch with the sector, says he feels a strong connection with my ideas.   He has influence in the community I'm trying to synch myself with, so this is a very good thing!

Last week I had a nightmare that I would lose all my teeth because I couldn't afford a dentist, this week I feel like I could get a filling if I wanted it, maybe not a root canal.  I'm certainly encouraged by recent developments - gotta say!!

I also discovered that I have a label.  I'm a social entrepreneur!  I'm developing a business that supports those who have social causes.

Favorite quote of the week: "Success is the point where your most authentic talents, passion, values, and experience intersect with the chance to contribute to some greater good."   Bill Strickland

I feel like the quote sums up my personal belief.  Thanks Bill.

Deliberate Action - Starting A Company

It's a very strange experience starting a company.  I'm trying to be very conscious of the journey and not rush through it and wonder later how I made it happen.    I want to be deliberate in my actions and learn from my mistakes as I go along, meaning I want to be conscious of mistakes and not wonder later how the hell everything went so wrong.

I've read a fair number of business books and pay attention to people who themselves have started successful and great companies.  I want to be able to document what I did that made my company grow like I envision it will.  This sounds easier than it is.  I feel panicky many days, will I have enough money to sustain my start-up I worry. I have the vision and the skill set to do it, but will I have the customers?  How long will it take for me to get them to see my ideas will save them time and money?

Two nights ago I woke up with a toothache, the realization I don't have dental insurance woke me fully.  Will I lose a tooth because I can't afford to fix it while I pour life savings into supporting my daily living?  This is a scary feeling.  I am a single woman, alone.  I own my own house, but its not paid for, could I lose it?   If I got sick like my sister did I have no one to support me.  I don't have disability insurance, just life.  I'm worth more dead in fact.

The good news is I remain convinced my company is unique and that the services I provide aren't available.  I believe I will be able to launch offices across Canada within the next five years and hope to hire a support person before the end of 2012.  I hope I can do this without having to look for investors, because quite frankly I'm uncomfortable asking anyone I know for money.  In spite of the truth of this business it still feels like I'd be asking for a handout.  Makes my stomach turn - literally.  It's pride I suppose.

Right now my plan is to build my company like it's franchisable.  Operations and process manuals are in the works.  I even have a dress code for myself and my future employees, something which further brands the image my company needs as it moves forward.  I'm a visual person therefore my website, my clothing, and my correspondence all must convey the brand I'm working to create.  This is deliberate.  To go where I want to go I must look like I've arrived already.

I need five annual contracts to make it sustainable.  I need ten to expand.  I have one, with another potential in the background.  I need to have four more locked in before December before I actively seek employment in someone else's company.   If my gut is right, I'll still be working for myself this time next year.  This truly is the scariest, yet exciting adventure I've ever taken!

Dysfunctions of a Team

I love to read business books.  My experience as an executive allows me to see myself and/or my organization when I read them.  I happened to hit a used bookstore when I was visiting Frenchi last week and snapped up a few.  Reading inspires me.  I very rarely make it more than a chapter when I put down the book and start focusing on some aspect or another of my business.  I'm working to achieve my project management certification but every time I pick up the text book it leads me off in a direction for my own business plan.

This week I'm reading The E Myth Revisited, by Michael E. Gerber and The FIVE Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lenicioni.  Both have been great for moving me forward.  The E Myth has me seriously building my own enterprise like a franchise.  Operations manuals, strat plans, even a dress code are all in the works.  I actually envision it as a franchise and want to set this up at the earliest stages to accommodate for growth.  The Dysfunctions book speaks to me on a deeper level.  It's painful in some ways because in my last role as CEO I failed to build a great team.  I had two fantastic members but out of my team of seven that's a low number.  To be fair to myself I had lack of support from the owner in regards to building my team - my efforts to budget a retreat were turned down as an example.  The failure of the team and the response by the owner led me to the decision to be my own owner.  in reading the book I can see where we failed and where we could have succeeded.  Some of the members were weighing us down in critical ways and I should have 'moved' them along.  The lack of a replacement kept me from doing so, but in the end it was a huge detriment.

I can't help apply the principals of the book to my personal life.  My guy and I are functioning poorly, when you look at the bottom of the book's model which is Absence of Trust it highlights the criticalness of our current state.  I don't trust what's going on.  At. All.    What I haven't done is enter into conflict with him.  I haven't recognized the benefits of honest, vulnerable communication.  In order to be healthy this is where it starts.  I have to stop being afraid of showing my real vulnerability.  I'm so damn afraid of being hurt by him/others that I pretend that I'm super cool, independent chick with a laissez faire attitude and truth is I'm super sensitive.

Last night he failed to phone me or text me. Again.

This time I slept through the night.  I've been pulling back emotionally and distancing myself.  Which feels healthy, but isn't really.  I keep saying this will end naturally, he won't work here, the relationship will end.  What have I learned from it?  Nothing.  I've shown I can be drama free, but what has it gained me?  Again, nothing.

He text this am:

Him: Gm :) got my phone, he charged me $40, not bad! Left work at 10 last night, today n tomorrow will b same! Can't work inside starting monday.  How r u?

Me: (I waited a minute...trying to figure out what to say).  Working right now.  It is busy.  Getting together with (insert sick family member) today.  They want to see me.  I'm buried in work which helps me cope.

Him: I c, good for u! How is (insert sick family member)?

Good for me?  Ummmm...i said i'm working to cope, that's not a rah rah comment.  Anywhoo I respond.

Me: Lots of roller coaster feelings.  (insert sick family member) are remarkable.

Me: It's a struggle for all of us.  Lots of family things.  You are out of the loop, contact between us is terrible.  Let's be honest.  :)

Me: Text is hard to relay feelings. Etc. Phone contact is sporadic and short.  What do you think you and I need?

Me: Besides sex.  Lol.  :)

A couple minutes pass.

Him: Time together...I miss "us"

Me: I do too

Him: Can I call u at noon?

Me: Yes please

Him: I will xxx

Me: xxx


I don't have soaring hopes about the two of us, but I do have hopes for me.  I have got to learn that conflict is healthy for moving things forward.  To have healthy conflict I have to enter into building trust with him and with myself.  He may not earn it, he may not be capable of being trustworthy.  He may be.  I just know that we are on the ground floor.

The only constant is change.

Suddenly have two paying contracts.  I would have jumped for joy two weeks ago, and now it feels wrong to celebrate.  I'm thankful and I'm grateful but I can't get excited enough high five anyone.  Life is very funny.  The things you think are the most important dim when it comes to people.  Relationships are where true value lies.  I know it's cliche to talk about relationships at a time when I'm faced with a loss of a valuable one, but it doesn't make it any less true.

In light of this recognition I've realized that my love relationship is not doing well.  It was great. I thought.   It was great when there weren't any additional stressors.  Two days ago I asked him why he loves me and he said, "you're very sweet, sensitive and apply no pressure."  The third one is what I believe is creating a huge gulf between us.  I have not asked for anything but reassurance that we're doing okay.  He has provided that in words but has not been able to translate that into action.  Out of the last four nights I have talked to him once.  One night he said he fell asleep during a movie and woke up too late to call, one night he claimed his phone wasn't working and last night I have no idea, I still haven't heard from him.  

I left a voice mail on his phone at 2:39 am last night.  It was a five minute call (don't you love phone records).  I wasn't able to fall asleep.  He had said I could call him anytime, night or day and talk to him because of what I was experiencing.  I took him up on it.  I don't have any regrets about the call.  I was thoughtful in my message, a ranter I am not.   I talked about our recent disconnect or rather my perception of it.  I talked about my need to feel special and why I concentrated on making him feel that way.  I didn't accuse, beg, or ask for anything other than connection.  I told him I'd noticed a change in the relationship since he'd gone away, that I'd been very happy with us and that something subtle had shifted and I wondered what it was.  I reminded him that I'd asked for patience because of the terrible time I'm going through. I pointed out I'd had an enormous amount of patience for our situation for months and perhaps had gone a bit overboard on that end.  All in all, like I said I don't regret the call.  I was rather glad it was voice mail, it allowed me to say things clearly and without interruption.  I didn't cry, but I'm sure at a couple points my vulnerability was evident.  I said I debated calling but decided that love doesn't play games and I needed to be honest about how I was feeling.  I used every tool in my tool box of emotional health to be clear and concise about my feelings without accusing him of damaging me.  I told him that no matter what there would be no drama, that I had never played that way.  In the end I simply let him know he could call me if he liked.  

How or if he responds will be telling. I believe great things about him, I trusted what he said and my strongest hope is that will be born out.  My gut doesn't feel very good, it's not trusting what's happening and my head says something is clearly wrong.  I hope both are proved wrong but I'm no fool.  Which kind of sucks. His job ends at the end of the month and his plan was to move here, if not with me than in a place close to mine.  He hasn't mentioned any concrete plans since he returned from his trip.  My plan was to wait and see, not to make any rash decisions until the moment he said he'd taken a job somewhere else.  Then the proof would be in the pudding.  However, the lack of contact precipitated my middle of the night call and I've basically asked him to tell me what's going to happen next.

I love myself enough to recognize I'm a fantastic girlfriend.  I would like to date me!  Wait, does that make me narcissistic?  I'm flawed, but all in all very grounded, intelligent, attractive, sexy and positive.  What's not to like?  The fact I've found it very difficult to meet a long term partner is very confusing to me.  My family believes I pick the guys who are difficult to get because I like the challenge.  That's probably true.  I think I want the victory of being successful where no woman has been before.  I think by being my wonderful self they'll feel they've finally found 'it' and I will feel like I've 'won'.  I really need to change this.  Yes. I . Do.  

Long story short - my life is a mess.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have a close family member fighting for their life and I have what seems to be imminent break-up with my man.  Good thing I live by this - "the only constant in life is change."  I maintain that life can be very difficult, but it can also be filled with great joy and I know that this too shall pass.  It's the way life works.  

Brighter Side Stuff

On the bright side of my life and it's pretty dark at the momento, I had my first call from a potential customer.  Left a comment on my work website and I followed up.  We plan to meet next week and go over the particulars.  I have been very busily getting prepared for his project, it's right up my alley.  I get excited by project management and organization.  I'm really good at it.  I work very well under pressure in all aspects of my life, in fact I seem to need it in order to function.  I've wondered if I have attention deficit disorder and need stimulation in order for my brain function properly.  I can multi-task like no one's business and need more and more challenge to keep me invested.

I am being very strategic about the eventual growth of my company, right now it's me, myself and I.  I envision a larger company where I'm directing a team at some point.  I am voraciously reading books on small business so I can absorb the wisdom of people who have been there, done that.  I have years of senior management business experience, I have run multimillion dollar companies,  but I have never been an owner.  I see myself as entrepreneur, manager and technician all rolled up into one.  Each of these 'people' are vying for my attention and I need to balance each role out effectively in order for my company to succeed into the far off future (insert Star Wars theme).

I am an incredible solution for my customers, extremely skilled in my area and inexpensive when you look at the big picture, combine that with my friendly personality and it's killer.   I have little doubt that I will have more work than I can handle in one year.

Smart and Smarter

I'm feeling like I could and should be smarter today.  Most days, months and years I'm quite satisfied with my level of intelligence, I know I'm not rocket scientist bright, but have no major cognitive impairments either.  It's always when I talk with a woman who is smarter than I am that I give pause and realize I'm not as smart as I'd like to be.  I was getting feedback from a woman in my sector who was looking at my marketing materials and giving me great advice.  It wasn't the feedback that bothered me, it was her ability to throw around terminology related to my field and give me sound bites just off the top of her head that would take some struggling on my part to come up with.  This is intimidating.  I'm very grateful because in 15 minutes I was able to get a ton of great ideas from her which completely reshaped my launch materials.

Recognizing this makes me more fearful than I'd like because it makes me question my ability to perform at a high level with people at a higher level than I am.  What will I do when faced with women with intimidating intelligence?  Notice I say women?  I don't have this issue when men are smarter, it feels like it's the natural order and I'm not expected to be as bright as they are, so nothing lost.  I should point out I operate at high levels and haven't been considered a dummy.  I have advanced as far as I am because I'm perceived to be very bright.  This in combination with a fairly engaging personality and confidence have landed me occasionally in a place where I know I don't measure up.  My best friend says I'm like the female version of Catch Me if you Can guy - a guy who fooled a lot of people by faking he was an expert.  I can do that.  I haven't done anything untoward, but I do have an ability to fake it very well.

I don't have a degree although I've taken university classes and been an A student.  I've never been asked my formal education by leaders in my industry because they assume I have it.  Sometimes I get nervous thinking there will be a time it might get asked.  I have directed Master level employees and have not felt less than and in some cases definitely more than in the smarts dept., so I know education paperwork is not entirely where its at.  Yet...there's a whole bunch of merit given to it.  I've contemplated faking it, but my morals stop me.  I don't lie well and don't want to learn.  Lying is too complicated for me, too much to remember, too many stories and hoping I'd keep them straight.  I've know pathological liars and they're found out eventually, sometimes destroying people in the process.  Can't - won't do it.

I will move forward thankful for great advice given by an intelligent woman and try not to be too intimidated.

*In case I upset some women readers, I'm smarter than many men, I'm not saying that women are dumber but when men are smarter I don't think they look down on women, nor do I think women are as intimidated.  Without exception every intimidation experience I've ever had has been from another woman's intelligence.  (sometimes by beauty, but rarely because women who are way out of my league I admire for their symmetry and simply enjoy looking at.)

**Sophia who I count as an internet friend is scary intimidating in intelligence.    Bhetti is also very bright, but I find her less intimidating I think because of her personality, less....something.

Fear of Success or Fear of Failure?

Debilitating.  Paralyzing.  Energy draining.

My fear of failure is all of the above.

I'm being 'punished', isolated and rejected by my old workplace because I dared strike out on my own.  A promise of using me to help me get started came with a rider.  Pay me 25% of your new company's income and you can work for me.  I declined.  I knew that business like the back of my hand and wanted to see it succeed into the future.  Instead my bold move, which took place over months and with full knowledge of the owner resulted in a backhand.  I want to be my own boss.  I want to make it or break it on my own merits.  I grew that business, almost doubling yearly profits.  I had an excellent team.  I worked inhumane hours and it was killing me.

The old boss has hired someone he hated, who he let go and who at the time blamed me as well as him.  I had no say in the matter, but my loyalty to the boss kept me from sharing how I really felt.  Now I'm being thrown  under the bus.  He's desperate and needs help, he employed his hated former staff.  He's telling her and others that I was the root of the problem.  It's difficult for me.

That said, there is nothing to be gained by going around shouting my own story.  I have always chosen the high road (okay 90% of the time), and there will be nothing to gain by trying to defend myself.  I am no longer there, I no longer matter in the grand scheme.  That's been made clear.  Fortunately there is little to no influence that the ex-boss holds - he is not connected to my sector, I was the link.  The new/old staff is not connected either.

My old boss is making bold and desperate moves in order to stay afloat, and I can't blame him for trying. He's going about it the wrong my in my opinion, but he's doing what he feels he needs to do.

I've been fearful that turning down his offer will mean career suicide because it's tough to get customers in a new business, particularly one that's new in service delivery.  I have a GRAND vision and believe it's more than viable, but how long can I sustain living off of next to nothing?  When the going get's tough, the tough get going.. blah blah blah.  I know all that stuff, this really is a test of my true merit.  Do I believe in myself enough?  Do I want 'it' bad enough?  We shall see.

Funky Town

I've been in a funk for the last two days, but I feel myself coming round.  When I funk out I sit in my room and surf the net or watch episodes of Cougar Town.  I don't leave the room even to eat.  I think its a combination of a low ball job offer, my man being out of town and worry about whether my company has a future.  One thing I know for sure if the funk continues I won't have a company to worry about, cuz it'll be gone.

I know there's only one way to fully get myself to leave funky town and that's get to work.  I've been a little lazy the last couple of weeks and it's leading to inertia. I need forward momentum and the only way to get it is to propel myself forward.  Tomorrow I'm doing cold calls to try out my pitch.  My goal is to have placed 10 calls by weeks end.  Cold calling is NOT my strong suit, I like being called and then pitching, but my website simply isn't attracting the attention I need to get called.

I remain CONVINCED  my idea is fantastic and that I'm the person in the best position to launch it and then move it forward.  CONVINCED  I tell you.  I'm passionate about it and while I still have this belief and before I get too down to believe any more I'm going to get hustling.

Rah Rah!

Picture of my real weakness!  I had the one in the foreground.  Soooo yummy.

Kink but not the fun, sexy kind.

First kink in my summer fun-on.  The guy who I thought would throw a lot of business my way wants to hire me full time.  The salary is $25,000 less per year than I was making not including the perks I'd lose like writing off my car expenses.  He wants me bad enough not to be real keen on giving my business a boost by sending work my way, he didn't say that of course, I know it intuitively.   I'm flattered that he believes in my work enough to hire me, but I am very disappointed in both the salary offer and the fact he won't be sending work my way.  It's the first real time since I've started this venture I feel gloomy.

My old boss did offer me work but only if I agreed to give him 25% of all my own work.  He felt that because he was giving me a job I owed him a piece of my company.  I said no in the nicest way possible and said I'd be happy to contract with him and he turned me down.  This means no money coming in for my business at all.  Not how I pictured it was going to happen.

I have a great deal of faith in myself, I know I'd do a killer job and I'd save my clients money, but getting the client base is harder than I anticipated, especially with the monkey wrench of a job offer in the way.  Argggghhhh..

It's raining outside which suits my mood.

On the plus side I heard from my wonderful man today, he told me that I'm his sun.  I think that's one of the loveliest things that's ever been said to me.  Life's not bad after all.

Parade of Life

I'm enjoying my summer as I've posted before, only this morning I went to a parade with an adult friend.  It's kind of weird being the only adults present without children, but it also felt pretty cool.  We're young at heart and enjoyed every pipe band and clown that passed by dammit.

Right now I sit in my bedroom surrounded by the sounds of sirens, pretty sure that a huge booming thunderstorm which just passed has hit something.  Just two days ago a home close to mine was hit by lightening.  We're living under a dome of heat which is creating a fair amount of instability.

I have a pretty big meeting planned with a CEO who claims he wants to get me going in my business, he's very influential and I'm crossing my fingers that moula will soon be coming to my pocket.  I'm frugaler (sp) than I'd like.  No mani/pedi's for me right now.

I was planning on doing a whole bunch of stairs in my river valley, however the pouring rain has made me into a baby and I'm afraid I may melt, the gym it will be.
The few extra pounds I'm carrying is coming off, I can feel it and so will he when he finally returns!

Women's issues

My man was in town for a couple of days and I got my fix.  He will be out of town for three weeks or so and we will have limited contact, I'm going to use this time to work my booty off because there will be no distractions.  I love the guy, but being a woman my focus is on him and his schedule more than my own.  I have women's issues, only women would let themselves get distracted from their main objective to serve a man.  Or is this just me?

I type this somewhat ironically because I've been on my laptop since 9 am (now 1:30 pm) surfing the net and twittering, not exactly productive use of my time.   I believe my business is going to explode and I'm enjoying the time I have to prepare for the crazy schedule ahead.  If I were selling shares in my company I'm convinced I could get numerous investors because I have mad passion and the market for my new line of work.  It's terribly exciting, gotta admit.

Leisure and luxury

Packed up my office of 7 years yesterday.  There were no grand farewells, in fact the new CEO opted not to tell anyone yesterday was my last day.  He's over his head and I remind him of that daily, not because I rub it in his face, but because he's realized his perception of me and the business was off base.  Rather than have me watch how badly he's screwing up, he opted not to sign me on as a contractor.  To some critical readers this may seem to you like excuse making and I get that, but it's the entire truth.  Watching someone bungle what I worked so hard to accomplish is actually a confirmation of my skill.  He 'thought' he knew it all, despite being from another sector all together.  I worked my way up the ladder for three years doing everything before I took on the CEO position.  He legitimatly thought he could arrive and run it day 1.  It's a fiasco waiting to happen sadly. I'm very glad to be removed from what is sure to take place and not have it taint my reputation.

Today I'm working at my summer office.  When it's cool I work inside my floor to ceiling windowed room, complete with interesting artwork and hardwood furniture. When the weather warms up I head to the patio, take a seat under the umbrella and remove enough clothing to tan.  This office is large enough to accommodate large meetings should I so desire them, and the leather furniture and fire place is divine.   There's a latte' machine nearby and fruit to snack on if I get the munchies.  I am prepared.  Today I spent the entire day in my new office suite and am just now packing it in.  Think I will head home and finish planting my flower baskets.  Life is very good.

(Just so you know - My office space is aka Starbucks - heh)

Leaving my corner office.

I have one more day left to work in an office other than my own home.  It feels strange I have to admit.  I've really taken a big leap of faith.  I believe with all my heart I will be successful, everything I've done up to this time has led me to it.  I can't imagine the re-evaluation I will have to do of myself and my perceived competencies if this fails.  I'm convinced the market can bear my rates because I am a cheaper alternative to hiring a full time staffer.  I'm rationalizing here, can't you tell?  

No pay for a month or more is kind of daunting and for the first time in a long time I've contemplated my purchases before hand.  When I talked to my frenchman this evening I told him my plan to buy a vehicle was on hold because I couldn't risk the payments at this time.  He simply said "we'll work it out."  Wow.  I haven't had someone say that to me in ....forever.  I didn't have an iota of hint in my call, I'm so used to doing it on my own, it doesn't occur to me there's any other way.  My love for him swelled three times larger when he said it.

I am close to cold calling agencies, but being rather perfectionistic I want all my ducks in a row before I call them rather than risk being unprepared.  I feel very grateful to be where I am.

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y Night!

Wow! I've been super busy on the start-up for my new company.  I decided to re-work marketing materials, and I'm very glad I did.  I love my new Mac Pro Book (not a sponsor) and it does amazing publications in word!  Very cool.  I was so pumped about the brochure I had enough energy to launch my web site.  Woot!  Can you say "go girl"?

I don't have a signed contract...yet.  But I can't see how this will fail, I really can't.

I may have a glass of wine and warm tubby to celebrate, gotta have something fun to do on a Saturday right?

Euphoric day

I'm feeling really good today.    Don't you love the feeling of euphoria? I can't exactly explain why I have it because if you examine my current situation it doesn't look that great especially financially.  My six week contract ends next week and I'm out of work.  I have some irons in the fire and I'm pretty confident they'll work out but there is nothing signed or sealed.  I have some money set aside, but nothing that'll carry me for months and months.  Yet...I'm still highly confident my business will be going strong by year end.  I remain terribly excited.

I am leaving my long term employer and although on the surface we are behaving very kindly and professionally, truthfully I'm disgruntled about how it all went down.  I don't want to burn any bridges and no good will come of a frank discussion because nothing will change.  I have attempted it in the months since work blew up, but haven't been successful.  Being bitter won't move me forward, so I won't spend anymore time talking about my dissatisfaction, besides I'm really happy right now.

My love life is going super well.  He's out of Province right now so I miss him, but I'll take missing someone I care about that being alone with no one to miss any day.  We haven't moved in yet, no date on when that'll happen, we have some logistics we're working on.  I love being loved, it's been a long time for me.  I was really wondering if I was too choosy or if I was too caught up in the pursuit and was being too much the writer, looking for the story etc.  But...when I look at all the men I've met and the few I had relationships with, it was preparation for this man. I was ready for him, and he for me.  Besides the chemistry we have we're well suited to each others temperaments and both are sweetly protective of the relationship.

I'm putting my whole face here because some think I hate my nose enough to chop it out of pictures. Honestly it's not terrible, I chop myself up to make myself anonymous.  So guess I blow that here huh. 

Got topped up again.

I've been in hospital once again but this time I think I'm good to go.  A brutal flu took hold and required copious amounts of fluid to keep me functioning.

I've got bruises and sticky glue marks from the tape, my hands and arms are wrecks from where they tried to get veins.  I can brag that I have tiny veins can't I?  haha.

Yesterday was the first day I felt normal and today continued the trend.  Woot!  I'm off for a little trip to the US on Saturday with a girl friend and it's going to require some energy to shop and not have me drop.

I anticipate a return to 'normal' blogging once I'm back.

Good news on the new company I have two amazing leads and hope to see them translate to real business soon.  Life is pretty good!

Failure to plan is a plan to fail...so I'm going to be rich!

I had my last full time day at my job yesterday.   My workload was drastically reduced once the new guy took on major portions of my role and I suddenly had weekends and evening free of work related texts and phone calls. My work week on average was 60+ and most of it in the high stress range of activities - constant need for critical thinking and crisis response.  The sudden drop into normalcy was surreal in some ways.  It was easier than I though it would be, perhaps because I have a vision for my future there was very little to cling to there.

I've been contracted for the next six weeks by the same company to work two days per week, this money will assist me while I get my own company off the ground.  Speaking of my company I've been given an exclusive opportunity to be the sole contractor for a pilot project doing gap analysis for agencies throughout Alberta.  It's a coup because it opens the door wide to getting contracts based on recommendations from the reports I'll do.  The opportunity comes from an organization who is extremely well positioned in the sector I'm in.  I have a stellar reputation with this firm and it's paying off now.  I can't tell you how fantastic this is!

I have yet to finish my home office, my plan is to get it finished by Friday.  Today I'm going to work out a plan for what I want to get done for May.  I haven't formalized a strategic plan yet and want to do that so I can measure progress and set some benchmarks.  I have worked for others my whole life and have watched poor planning result in poor results.  A favourite workplace saying of mine, "failure to plan is a plan to fail."

I also plan to introduce fun to my life.  I'm not even sure what fun looks like anymore.  I do laugh, but have no fun hobbies or extra curricular stuff going on to augment the chuckles.  I will also make sure I go to the gym three days a week to reestablish weight training.  I'm starting to get fat again and that's a terrible place to be in my head, let alone my clothes.  In fact today is the start of a juice fast to clean out toxic sludge - both body and mental ick.  I will be taking a mini-vacay with a girlfriend at the end of the month and hitting boutiques which means I need to lose 10 in 21.  Fasting combined with Paleo will get me there.

Well gotta run and get to the meat and potatoes of life, okay maybe I'll leave off the potatoes.

In sickness and in health - my marriage to my work.

I blurred me cuz I look terrible!

I'm not feeling well, a terrible sore throat which woke me up because even in sleep the pain was too much.  I think it's my immune system reacting to a drop in stress. My body has been on active alert with its flight or fight hormones fully engaged for some time.  Now that I'm feeling better mentally my physical body reacts by getting sicker.  I find that interesting, points to the truth of evolutionary biology really.

My man has asked me to get rest, pointing out I only have two more weeks to get through before I become a part-time employee.  He need not fear, I once worked with a bad case of H1N1, overly committed am I.  This weekend I have spent some time in bed with my new MacBook Pro and instead of watching porn I've been busily working on stuff for my soon to be old job.  Suddenly I have a renewed interest in its success, perhaps freed from the constraints of total responsibility I have once again been able to pour my creative juices.  My brain is firing on all cylinders and I'm developing a detailed strategic plan for the new guy.  I am a planner by nature and know he is too overwhelmed to begin the process.  This plan will set him up for the next year to three although what he does with it is anyone's guess.  I don't have particularly high hopes he'll employ it because he seems a rather fly by the seat of his pants type.  In fact he said he enjoys crisis.  I on the other hand left my last lengthy employer because in my words, "I'm a fire preventer, not a fire fighter."  Organizational planning is critical and a significant reason why I'm leaving this position is because the owner failed in surplus years to put away for the lean.  My salary reduction as well as allowing critical positions to be cut to save money whilst significantly increasing risk was too much.  In order to 'sell' our product I had to believe in it and I no longer could, especially in the absence of a plan.

Why you might ask am I going to the trouble if the likelihood is it won't be used?  It gives me peace of mind for one thing.  I know the organizations' strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats like the back of my hand.  The new guy has never worked in this sector and it will take months for him to educate himself. I don't want to see the company fail because I withheld key information or failed to provide a framework.  A strategic plan will be his wisest place to start.  He can build on or scrap my objectives as long as he has some.  Secondly the exercise is well worth it for my new business.  Managing my departure like a project gets me in the frame of mind to do new ones.

I've worked on organizational goals, but it's important to have my own.  The short-term goals I'm setting for myself are simple.  Finish work with pride intact, leave room for long-term contractual relationships, have an enjoyable, pleasant home workspace  and take time to enjoy new freedoms.  The last part will likely be the hardest, but I'm damn well going to give it my bestest.

I've cleaned out a spare bedroom to make way for my first ever home office! Mind you today I've chosen cuddling under comforters with my Mac rather than finish painting.  The picture on the left is a picture from FlavaHomeDesign.  I like the simplicity of it's minimalist design.  Truth is my finished product will have bold colour, dark rich wood and quirky art, like the one lower down, but this image spoke to me.  Likely speaking to me because my current desk has been buried for far too long and although I have a huge window it overlooks a boring street, not green foliage.

I'm sick but well and I know you guys know what I mean.

The only constant in life is change!

Some of you know I'm launching my own company and have given up a CEO position  at a privately owned firm.  I'd gotten involved in a philosophical struggle with the owner over resources and when he'd put in place a severe pay cut which was closer to $50,000 than $10,000 on my annual salary I knew I had to recoup the loss.  I'm a very hard worker but his proposed model for delivery of service would not see only see me put in significantly increased hours but would not promise any return to former salary.

It's been frustrating waiting for a transition to occur within my present company.  The owner has been so late in arriving at action that I've lost my entire management team and the company is holding together by my will alone.  It's spit not mortar keeping it aligned.  The stress of this situation has been almost unbearable. I care deeply about the company I work for, I believe in what it offers and it affects close to one hundred people, so stakes have been high.  I have both respected and admired the boss for nigh on fifteen years and only in the last six months have seriously questioned his judgement.  The sector I work in has been hit with financial hardship and the loss of profit has made him lose sight of the primary objectives.  I'm confident in the services we provide, knowing they are a necessity, I know the pendulum always swings back, it's how you ride it out that counts.

The new guy started last week and was prepared to let me go the first week.  I perceived I threatened him in some way and he felt a fresh start would bode well for his success.  I agree in theory, however a significant brain drain has left  me as the one and only key to organizational knowledge and expertise.  I am not threatened by him taking over my role, I feel excited about my next steps, however I needed to let him see me as an asset in order for the company to survive.  Fortunately he sought input from company staff and decided to make me a good offer to stay on short term.  I'm relieved.  I wasn't worried about my finances, I've got a cushion, I was worried about our customers and stakeholders.

New guy apologized to me on Friday saying he'd vastly underestimated the workload and was already talking as though a much longer contract deal would be offered.  I'm pleased with how it's going so far. Starting May 1, I will be home three days per week to pursue other contracts.  I have already begun to put together a timeline for ensuring my agencies success into the future.  I can't begin to tell you much stress has dropped off my shoulders in the last few days.  I am leaving behind an operations role to become much more focused on individual projects, something I'm very good at.

When we work with our strengths instead of against them it brings personal and career satisfaction, I'm going to make it my goal to encourage myself and others towards recognizing and developing their own strengths.  As I move into a consultative position I know with this focus I can't do anything but succeed.

Change of Life (no not THAT one)

My job as CEO of the company I've been heading for the last 6.5 years ends on Friday.  I begin being the one and only boss of my own company immediately.  I know big and exciting things are ahead for me and I can't quite contain my excitement.  It is mixed with anxiety and some financial fears, however I know a year from this date I'll be celebrating outside of this country - a promise I'm making to myself today.

My blog will continue and may be a mix mash of work, love, advice, angst and aging (de-emphasis on that one...ya).

I'm off to tell my staff who are unaware of the decision the owner and I have made.  I'll keep you updated.

Love ya.