Feelings, pt. I

¡Hola! Everybody...
He’s dying a slow painful death... they’re not giving him more than a few days...

* * *

-=[ Feelings & Your Personal Novela ]=-

Tears are always like a breaking. When tears fall, it is like a rain of grace. It means that something has actually touched the truth of your heart, has actually cracked and caused some rain.
-- Sofia Diaz

I think once you start the process of awakening, you learn how to embrace feelings. As we begin to dissolve rigidly held, or what I call “frozen,” beliefs, we begin to make room for all feelings, both those we perceive as positive and those we have abandoned as negative. Developing the capacity to remain present, fully in this moment with whatever arises, instead of resisting feelings, leads us to a direct and powerful gateway into a deeper love.

First let me clarify what I mean by “feelings.” People often confuse the words feelings and emotions to be synonymous. However, they have quite different roots. I am a huge word fan and sometimes this pays off in ways I would never dream of. Feeling comes from the Old English word, fellen, the physical capacity to experience something as it is. Feeling is one of the five senses, along with sight, hearing, smell, and taste. It is also closely associated with being present and in touch with the sensations in the body. Emotion comes from an Old French word, emovoir, to stir up, to create agitation. Emotion then, creates movement within the mind, or better put, it creates movement within consciousness.

Feeling is passive, a capacity to experience, while emotion is fluid and leads to action and expression. Feelings occur within the here and now-- in the present -- and come in all flavors. If we remain open and receptive to them, they can lead us home to peace, to a deeper love. Emotions usually become attached to a story in time that then leads us into a whirlwind of drama. By assuming that every internal feeling has an outside cause, the purity, power, and mystery of feelings are lost. They become dramatized into a personal soap opera -- what I like to call our personal novellas -- from the Spanish-language TV, over-the-top soap operas.

When every feeling becomes a self-centered emotion referenced as “me, me, me,” it becomes a habit and we react (becoming reactive) instead of settling into the experience. In fact, we can be very emotional without feeling at all. We can also feel in profoundly without becoming lost in the emotion. The truth is, if you practice enough and develop the ability to drop the drama from the feelings, you begin to develop a much greater capacity to feel, and in the process, you become less reactive emotionally.

The woman I quoted above, Sofia Diaz, is a mentor to literally thousands of people, mostly women. She says that feelings are neglected in our culture, dominated by the emphasis on rational thought. She goes on to say, “… If you feel the trees from your belly, it is an entirely different universe than if you think about feeling the trees.” Once you begin to practice, she says, an entire universe reveals itself. A universe you never knew existed before.

Let me try to clarify that a bit. Usually we need to say: “I am angry because of what of so-and-so did.” Most of our energy then goes into changing the individual and very little into what we feel. It is extremely rare for anyone to be willing to feel without logical cause:

“How are you doing?”

“I’m so mad I could kill with my bare hands.”

“My God! Why?”

“No reason, just a wave passing through. Feels great, actually. I love it!”

Imagine how liberating a response like that would be. Imagine being with a feeling as a vibration, like listening to music. If we are honest, we really don’t have a fuckin’ clue about why we are feeling what we feel. Is it really the guy who cut you off? Or was it that funny remark your co-worker made yesterday? Perhaps you’re really angry with your father.

What I am submitting here is that the stories we attach to our feelings are often inaccurate. Like old maps to territories that no longer exist. The more agitated you become the more complicated things get and the further away you are pulled from your actual feelings.

When we remove the drama -- the personal soap opera -- attached to our feelings, the feelings become less distinct, and they begin to defy labeling. Someone reading my daily rants may get angry and see me as a pompous ass possessed by a need to show off my pseudo intellect to the world, for example. Another may attach the story that my posts are motivated by a need to share my experiences and create some form of dialogue. Who’s right?

Let me offer another example that most here will identify with. You are getting ready for a first date. You feel a quickening in your heartbeat, a tightening in your belly. Label it fear, and you have the beginning of one story: I might be rejected. I know I’ll say something stupid. Now, label the same feeling excitement, and spin a different story: Maybe he’s the one. However, if you leave the feeling undefined, and just feel it as a mystery, you will discover that fear and excitement are a hairbreadth apart, separated only by a different story. They easily change into one another.

Try this the next time you feel afraid. Ask yourself if you know, for sure, that what you are feeling is fear. Could it be equally labeled excitement? Can you leave it without any label at all? The same is true of grief and gratitude. The next time you feel deep grief, see if it is possible (just for a moment dammit!), to feel it more deeply while thinking less about why. Then look around at anything, a flower, a color, a bird, and see if your tears are only of regret or also of thanks. Fear, and excitement, grief and gratitude, anger and power, sadness and vulnerability: they are all separated from one another when we make them into an emotional drama, but they become one when we feel them as pure energy.

This is the first miracle when we awake: the more deeply we feel -- the more present we are – the more at peace we become, and the simpler outer situations become. When we become less of a knee-jerk responder, we can give the gift of a pure response to a situation instead merely reacting to it. We can express what we are feeling in tune with the present moment. In this way, grief or anger or overwhelming affection can all be gifts to enhance the world, to bring it more color, more aliveness. Feelings become a generosity of spirit.

Love,

Eddie

Humility

¡Hola! Everybody...
I will be away from the office at a conference all day... I’m in a rush, but I will finish my “Jesus” series on Sunday. Some would say that the most important relationship is the relationship with your Higher Power. I disagree: anytime you perceive your Higher Power as outside your self, your disassociating yourself from reality. Today, a little on the most important relationship in your life -- the relationship you have (or don’t) with your self.

* * *

-=[ Spiritual Dignity ]=-

What we strive for in the effort to resolve the tension between our sense of inferiority and our grandiosity is not modesty but humility -- spiritual dignity.

-- Jean Hardy

A common mistake in the self-esteem movement is the mistaken belief that by merely feeling better about yourself, or simply being “positive,” will solve all our problems. Self-esteem is respecting the self. But what is it exactly that we are esteeming? If our sense of self is based on feelings of grandiosity it follows that that puffing that up won’t result with more effective ways of dealing with yourself and others. Put more simply, if what you’re esteeming are the same issues that are causing you pain, then how will that help you?

I see a lot of two types of people these days. I see a lot of angry people walking around these days full of self-esteem on the one hand and many ego-maniacs with low self-esteem on the other. LOL!

Maybe we need to adopt a different strategy...

I like this notion of humility as a “spiritual dignity” because true humility has nothing to do with putting yourself down -- or what could be called self-abasement. There is a certain elegance and internal dignity to genuine humility.

Grandiosity is the opposite of putting yourself down (self-abasement); it is inflating your ego (self-exaltation) in order to feel better about yourself. Humility -- spiritual humility -- is as much the opposite of self-abasement (putting yourself down) as it is to self-exaltation (puffing the old ego up).

Self-abasement -- which alternates with feelings of superiority and inferiority -- comes from feelings of guilt and self-loathing and has nothing to do with the spiritual quality of humility. When we operate solely from an ego perspective, we feel small and powerless. These feelings in turn have the effect of instilling fear and judgment. Look around at those who pass their days judging and ridiculing. Do they seem like “big” people? LOL!

When we respect ourselves and our place in the universe, then we are humble in the true sense of the word. Humility is about keeping ourselves in perspective, knowing we are connected, accepting how small and powerless our ego-selves are, but also knowing that we contain a spark of the divine -- of something god-like -- within us too. Spiritual dignity is knowing that beyond the ego, we are powerful and eternal.

With this spiritual feeling comes a sense of awe and respect for the world we live in and a feeling of gratitude for the life we’ve been given.

Love,

Eddie

Giving Thanks

¡Hola! Everybody...
Why is it miserable people seek solace by attempting to impose their misery on others?

Here’s wising everybody a great holiday weekend.

* * *

-=[ Gratitude ]=-

“If the only prayer you say in your whole life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

-- Meister Eckhart (c.1260-c.1327)

Thanksgiving, with its roots in myths and falsehoods, holds significance on many for levels. However, for me Thanksgiving holds its most significant meaning on a personal level. You see, it was around this time about 18 years ago that I experienced the first of a series of “spiritual awakenings” that would drastically change my life. The exact date is November 26, 1990 and it usually falls around Thanksgiving Day. A week before this date, I was so overcome with psychological pain that I attempted to commit suicide. It’s actually a little funny. If I tried to sell it as a story, most producers would say it sounds phony. It was a cold, rainy, windy November day. I remember there was a storm coming, some early, freak Nor’easter, and it was very windy that day. I tried climbing over the rail on the Brooklyn Bridge’s pedestrian walk, but I was so skinny from malnutrition and years of substance abuse, that a strong wind knocked me on my butt. I saw this as the ultimate insult, not even being able to kill myself, which gives you an idea of my state of mind at the time.

I walked away cursing my life to chase another bag of heroin. In my warped way of thinking, I had this fear that I would botch up my own suicide and merely succeed in paralyzing myself, dooming myself to chase that bag from the disadvantage of a wheelchair, so I decided I would make someone else put myself out of my misery.

Though I speak lightly today of that time, I was miserable. I don’t believe in a God in the traditional Christian/ Judeo sense, but each night during that time I would pray that if there was a God/ Goddess/ It, that they would find it in their mercy to kill me in my sleep. But every day I would wake up to find myself alive, cursing my existence. I would always awake broke, but at the height of my active addiction, I would manage to spend $300 by the end of the day, feeding my heroin habit.

I took to ripping off drug-dealers, never a safe proposition. One day, an individual annoyed that I had separated him from his assets, pulled out a gun, and threatened me with it. I took the gun by the barrel, put it to my forehead, and begged him to shoot. All I asked was that he made sure to kill me because, “You would be doing me a favor.”

This was in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded New York City street. I remember people screaming and a crowd forming, but what I remember most was thinking that this was my way out. “Do it, ma’fucca!” I yelled. He pulled the trigger and…

Nothing happened…

I don’t know if the gun jammed or if it wasn’t loaded, but for whatever reason, the gun did not go off. The drug-dealer, for whatever reason, yanked the gun from my grasp and tried to whip me with it. But I wasn’t having that. You could kill me, but I like the way I look. ::grin:: By then people had gathered and separated us and he walked away, calling me crazy and vowing to get me (A familiar refrain, huh? LOL!).

In my mind, I thought I could do nothing right.

That wasn’t the worst of it, things actually spiraled downwards until November 26^th, when I was arrested after having been on the streets for only 14 days. That was my bottom, the total bottom. Humiliated and defeated not know what to do, knowing only that I was facing a lot of prison time, I experienced a spiritual awakening that would change my life forever. No, I didn’t see God, nor did a burning bush dictate commandments to me. Actually, most people would consider the events that transpired on that drizzly, dreary November day as a defeat. For me, it was the beginning of a new life. Having experienced total defeat, it freed me from my worldview to glimpse a new world filled with possibilities. It was like a bolt of lightning in the middle of darkness: everything became illuminated for a brief second before plunging into darkness again.

A the core of my life today is an invincible joy. This is why I often tend to see the better side of people: I know even the worst of us have the potential to liberate ourselves from our own self-made prisons. Unfortunately, there are some in denial regarding the shackles they cling to. To those people I offer my profound thanks for keeping it real for me. You remind me of what I was and why.

No, I am not a religious person and no, I don’t accept Jesus (nor anyone else, for that matter) as my “Savior.” In fact, neither Jesus nor religion had anything to do with my recovery. My personal view is that religion is for people who are afraid of hell while spirituality is for those who have already been there. What brought me back to my humanity is a set of principles so simple anyone (even me) can implement them. Today I try to be the best person I can be on a daily basis and oftentimes I fall short of the mark. However, my intent and direction is good and orderly – I try to live a life that’s centered on spiritual growth.

On that day, 18 years ago, I had no clue of the joy I am experiencing today. It’s a joy that’s not dependent on any person, place, or thing. I can be sad, happy, angry, disappointed, disgusted – I can be experiencing any number of attachments – but at the center, at the very core of me -- there is a profound awareness and connection that’s greater than any drug-induced high I have ever experienced. Believe me: coming from me, that’s saying a lot! LOL

I’m no hero, so please don’t post comments lauding my actions or “victories.” My life is a redemption song, a manifestation of what can happen when people reconnect and help one another without condition. If you laud me, then you’re leaving out the countless individuals who gave to me, who supported me and taught me the simple principles of honesty, openness, and willingness that allow me to live my life as I do today. And if you leave out that part -- the people who loved me until I could love myself -- then you’re eroding my message. So this day is not about me, it’s about a celebration of Life.

I don’t write this self-indulgently. I write this because maybe there’s someone out there somewhere feeling the same pain I once felt. Perhaps someone feeling the same utter defeat, humiliation, and hopelessness might read this today and maybe -- just maybe -- it might give them hope. That I can embody this message is a source of happiness for me.

For that, I am truly grateful. Life continues to hurl challenges at me. I experience sadness, happiness, the loss of loved ones -- the “full catastrophe” of life. At times, I feel as if a thread is being pulled and my life and all I have worked for all these years seems to unravel. At those times, I could easily adopt the attitude that my life, that life itself, sucks. But that’s a lie. Life is a gift -- probably the most precious of gifts.

And for that I am most grateful.

May you all have as much to be thankful for…

Love,

Eddie

Monday Madness [Emotional Healing]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Well it’s back to work for yours truly. I took a two-week vacation in which I did… nothing. Yup, that’s right, I did nothing. Do you know hard it is to do nothing? I mean, it’s, like, a sin or against the law to do nothing in America. People would ask and when I informed them that I was doing nothing, they would look at me as if I’d just developed a third eye and immediately offer “solutions” to my “predicament.” Some people actually looked resentful that I had the audacity to do nothing – or at least admit that I was doing nothing. People: don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

SMDH

I think we all should do nothing more often.

Today’s art work, titled Emotional Healing Reprise, is by James D. Lewis (click here to visit his website).

* * *

-=[ Emotional Healing ]=-
“We must take care not to make intellect our god. It has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It cannot rule, only serve.”
-- Albert Einstein

Emotions get a bad rap in our culture, but without emotions, life would have no meaning. In fact, without emotions we would’ve ceased to exist as a species a long time ago. Emotions give direction to our thoughts and are integral to our decision-making process. Furthermore, without love, beauty, justice, truth, dignity, honor and the great satisfactions each of these provide, what worth would life hold?

These experiences, and the emotions that drive them, gives us our direction. They compel us toward more love, more beauty, more justice, and to distance our selves from their opposites. Without emotions, we lose our ground of being – our fundamental bearings – and we cannot make choices that truly reflect what matters most to us.

People with serious mental illness lose this ability. Like, Emilia, for example, a young woman who came to my office one day. Part of my training involves listening at a level most people are unfamiliar with. One of the things I look for is an individual’s ability to stay “on task” – to demonstrate some measure of focus. Initially, she seemed quite normal, though she had problems making eye contact. For the sake of brevity, I’ll just say that Emilia eventually attempted to stab me with a letter opener. Luckily, I was paying attention and realized, after a while, that she seemed to be listening to voices. I also noticed she was taking quick glances at a cup on my desk that held the letter opener and scissors.

As the realization that I was with a disturbed individual dawned on me, I went to take the cup out of reach as subtly as possible. That’s when she lunged for the letter opener. I was able to wrest the cup for her grasp, but it was a harrowing experience nonetheless.

I was able to get Emilia some help, but the next time I saw her, there was no life in her eyes. And it was sad to watch her. While the antipsychotic medicine helped take away the voices and hallucinations, she seemed more like a zombie than the vibrant, intelligent young woman her family remembered. And that’s the whole thing: no emotion, no life. Today, there are antipsychotic medications whose side effects are less disturbing, but side effects are always a concern. We just don’t know enough about the way the mind/ brain works.

On the other hand, emotional over indulgence does not make for skillful living. Emotions must be tempered by the rational analysis that the cognitive brain provides. Otherwise, rash decisions made in the heat of the moment can adversely affect our relationships with others. I’m willing to bet that many of you reading this have probably had children off a feeling. LOL

Emotions without focus, thoughtfulness, and planning leave us at the mercy of the vicissitudes – the random ups and downs -- of life. If we are incapable of controlling our existence, life loses meaning too.

Your life is unique – every life is unique. It is also true that every life is difficult. Too often I hear people comment that if only they had more money, were better looking, or were more talented, that they would then be happy. By becoming someone else, they seem to be saying, they would not have to face their obstacles and problems – and that is true. But they would have other problems – theirs!

I say, if you’re not happy now, then you’ll never be happy no matter what. You will always have something to bitch about; something will always bother you, or stop you from your happiness. You will always say…

If only…

Marilyn Monroe was perhaps considered the sexiest, most famous, and most desired of all women of her generation. Yet, she could never escape a deeply embedded sense of loneliness which she drowned in alcohol. Eventually, she would die of an overdose of barbiturates. Jimi Hendrix became a superstar and changed the very way the guitar was played and no one today can pick up a guitar without being influenced by his playing. He too died from an overdose of drugs. One of my favorite writers, Earnest Hemingway, won a Nobel Prize and led a life full of adventure and excitement and yet that didn’t stop him from putting a gun to head and pulling the trigger.

Neither talent, nor glory, power, money, nor the adulation of men and women can make the essence of life easier.

Still, there are people who seem to live in harmony. Most often they have a feeling that life is generous. They are able to enjoy the people around them and the mundane everyday pleasures: meals, sleep, projects, and relationships. They don’t belong to a cult or a specific religion. Some are rich, some are not. Some are married, others live alone. Some possess extraordinary talents, others are quite ordinary. They all have experienced failures, disappointments, and dark moments. Nobody – nobody – escapes from hardships.

However, overall, these people seem better equipped to overcome obstacles. They seem to have a special ability to get through misfortune, to give meaning to their lives, as if they had a closer relationship to their lives, with others, and with what they have chosen to do with their existence.

I believe that we all can learn to live in this way – to live in harmony with our environment and our internal values. My experience has shown me that we can learn to heal ourselves, that there is a vast reservoir of healing energy within all of us. I also believe that this healing power is within our grasp and that it lies in learning to harness the power of our emotions.

Love,

Eddie

Feelings, pt. II

¡Hola! Everybody...
I’m not well, I feel drained, and I think my job is making me sick. I don't think I will last the year at this current job. I'm sending my resume out… took the day off

I wrote the following as part of a series on feelings three years ago…

(initially, I titled this part I, but it isn't. It's the second of three posts I did on feelings -- I think. LOL Those interested in reading the series should begin with Feelings 101, then read this one, and then read part III, )

* * *

-=[ Feelings, pt. II ]=-

Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that you feel.
-- Popular 12-step fellowship saying

Everything is always washing into my heart. And I have the choice in any moment to open to it or to close to it, to resist or allow it to protect myself from it or to open to it and let whatever response comes just be.

-- Amy McCarrel

Awakening, another word for being present, is an option for anyone at any time. My own experience tells me that everything necessary for our fulfillment – our happiness -- exists right here, right now, this very moment. All we have to do is awake to that potential and actually experience it, rather than to continue to conceptualize it.

I make a distinction between feelings and emotions. Feelings are the physical manifestations of our responses to life, while emotions are the stories we attach to these responses (for those interested, I go into further detail click here).

There are two knee-jerk (conditioned) responses to feelings, and they both have their price: to run from them, or indulge them. In addition, we attach “stories” to our feelings, creating our own personal novelas (novelas are Spanish-language soap operas: Amor Salvaje!, or, Deseo Bestial! LOL!). In the process however, this does not mean that feelings are not real. Moreover, I do not mean to imply that the awakening process results in a super calm person floating around offering benedictions to everybody.

Let me state two myths about awakening:

Myth #1 Awakening to our original self means not having feelings, especially “negative” ones like anger, fear, jealousy, or greed. Instead, the process leads to an unchanging, always calm, state.

Myth #2 You have to choose between feelings and presence. When you have feelings, you have lost who you are.

These two myths are stereotypes and quite laughable, if you ask me. Being awake is to feel completely, love passionately, to become transparent.

Two reactions to feelings and a heavy price to pay for both: running (aversion) and clinging (desire). Two sides of the same emotional coin. We live in a male-dominated society in which feelings are dismissed as inferior to reason. If you doubt me, then just take a look at all the reactions to T.O.’s recent cyring jag, or Hilary Clinton’s supposed tears. To be “emotional” is considered unprofessional and we spend much time and money constantly “processing” our feelings away. I think in this sense, women, or rather, our feminine aspects, offer a much in teaching us to be present with our feelings.

I have a simple technique when I am working with overly analytical people (most of whom are women!). Ask anyone what they are feeling and they usually will proceed to describe to you what they are thinking. Therefore, what I do is to ask them to tell me where they feeling it in their bodies. This usually works to center someone in the moment, rather than spending time chasing his or her emotional novelas.

This is where the feminine principle can help us: that wonderful capacity to experience our reality in the body can become repressed when our little “mini me” starts whispering.

But I digress...

We pay a high price when we avoid our feelings as they arise. They then become sticky and gooey and don‘t pass through us as cleanly. A lot like being emotionally constipated. What happens with avoidance as a coping strategy is that we first create a tension in the body and literally cut off the free flow of sensation. Parts of our bodies become numb. Many women, for example, carry a lot of numbness in their genital areas as a result of sexual betrayal/ trauma. In order not to feel anger in the belly, we clench the solar plexus and block feeling, blood flow, and energy. The blockage remains and even becomes more entrenched.

To use another example, in order to avoid feeling fear we contract the pectoral muscles and collapse the chest. The consequence is that, over time these attempts to stop feeling leads to imbalances and stress-related illnesses. We literally create body armor to protect ourselves from feelings.

Another consequence of avoiding feelings, especially the ones we view as negative or threatening, is to become “rational.” We develop strategies (rationalizing, intellectualizing) in order to control or stop feelings. As an answer to the question, “Why am I feeling this?” we quickly say something beginning with “Because”: I am angry because you… or they made me feel sad because they… And in that way, we get caught in the endless rollercoaster of cause and effect.

The other trap is indulging (venting) our feelings. Sometimes this happens right away (I was notorious for this! LOL!) and sometimes it simmers for a while before boiling over—maybe after a few hours, days, or even years. The point is that once the floodgates open, there is hell to pay and a big mess to clean afterwards. You can even cause permanent damage. Indulging (or venting) is just another way of rebelling against the tension created between the feeling and its repression. We have to compensate for our initial response with an explosive mixture of emotion and willfulness:

Angry?!?! You’re damned right I’m angry, and you’re going to sit right there and listen to why!”

Exploding is just another way of attempting to have control (not experience) our feelings and avoid feeling overwhelmed. You think you are managing the feeling, but in fact, you are not feeling, but rather you are doing emotion. We create drama. Rather than experiencing feeling as a wave, we constrict our sense of self and become the wave itself. Instead of feeling anger or sadness, we become it. Listen to the language we use to describe these states: we say, “I am angry,” “I am sad.” This expression of what we are feeling has temporarily taken over our identity.

Once in the possession of our small, fearful selves, the “mini me,” the only choice we think we have is either to repress our feelings or to be taken over them and become reactive. Either way, we are still stuck on stupid. We are still controlled by our personal emotional novelas disconnected from the reality of the world around and in us, and we are still unable to give ourselves and others our deepest gifts.

Love,

Eddie

Feelings 101

Hola Everybody,
I’m not well, I feel drained, and I think my job is making me sick. I believe I won’t be here much longer… took the day off.

I wrote the following as part of a series on feelings (for part II: click here/ part III: click here) three years ago…

* * *

Feelings, pt. I (Personal Novelas)

“Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that you feel.”
-- Popular 12-step fellowship saying

“Everything is always washing into my heart. And I have the choice in any moment to open to it or to close to it, to resist or allow it to protect myself from it or to open to it and let whatever response comes just be.”
-- Amy McCarrel

Awakening, another word for being present, is an option for anyone at any time. My own experience tells me that everything necessary for our fulfillment – our happiness -- exists right here, right now, this very moment. All we have to do is awake to that potential and actually experience it, rather than to continue to conceptualize it.

My work brings me into contact with literally hundreds of people every year. And I am totally amazed by the number of people who have chosen to take responsibility for their own awakening outside the context of organized religions. There is a wave, a movement, of people seeking to find their own answers and that is one of the most remarkable things about the time we are living in.

There are two knee-jerk (conditioned) responses to feelings, and they both have their price: to run from them, or indulge them. In addition, we attach “stories” to our feelings, creating our own personal novelas (novelas are Spanish-language soap operas: Amor Salvaje!, or, Deseo Bestial! LOL!). In the process however, this does not mean that feelings are not real. Moreover, I do not mean to imply that the awakening process results in a super calm person floating around offering benedictions to everybody.

Let me state two myths about awakening:

Myth #1 Awakening to our original self means not having feelings, especially “negative” ones like anger, fear, jealousy, or greed. Instead, the process leads to an unchanging, always calm, state.

Myth #2 You have to choose between feelings and presence. When you have feelings, you have lost who you are.

These two myths are stereotypes and quite laughable, if you ask me. Being awake is to feel completely, love passionately, to become transparent.

Two reactions to feelings and a heavy price to pay for both: running (aversion) and clinging (desire). Two sides of the same emotional coin. We live in a male-dominated society in which feelings are dismissed as inferior to reason. If you doubt me, then just take a look at all the reactions to T.O.’s recent cyring jag, or Hilary Clinton’s supposed tears. To be “emotional” is considered unprofessional and we spend much time and money constantly “processing” our feelings away. I think in this sense, women, or rather, our feminine aspects, offer a much in teaching us to be present with our feelings.

I have a simple technique when I am working with overly analytical people (most of whom are women!). Ask anyone what they are feeling and they usually will proceed to describe to you what they are thinking. Therefore, what I do is to ask them to tell me where they feeling it in their bodies. This usually works to center someone in the moment, rather than spending time chasing his or her emotional novelas.

This is where the feminine principle can help us: that wonderful capacity to experience our reality in the body can become repressed when our little Mini me starts whispering.

But I digress...

We pay a high price when we avoid our feelings as they arise. They then become sticky and gooey and don‘t pass through us as cleanly. A lot like being emotionally constipated. What happens with avoidance as a coping strategy is that we first create a tension in the body and literally cut off the free flow of sensation. Parts of our bodies become numb. Many women, for example, carry a lot of numbness in their genital areas as a result of sexual betrayal/ trauma. In order not to feel anger in the belly, we clench the solar plexus and block feeling, blood flow, and energy. The blockage remains and even becomes more entrenched.

To use another example, in order to avoid feeling fear we contract the pectoral muscles and collapse the chest. The consequence is that, over time these attempts to stop feeling leads to imbalances and stress-related illnesses. We literally create body armor to protect ourselves from feelings.

Another consequence of avoiding feelings, especially the ones we view as negative or threatening, is to become “rational.” We develop strategies (rationalizing, intellectualizing) in order to control or stop feelings. As an answer to the question, “Why am I feeling this?” we quickly say something beginning with “Because”: I am angry because you… or they made me feel sad because they… And in that way, we get caught in the endless rollercoaster of cause and effect.

The other trap is indulging (venting) our feelings. Sometimes this happens right away (I was notorious for this! LOL!) and sometimes it simmers for a while before boiling over—maybe after a few hours, days, or even years. The point is that once the floodgates open, there is hell to pay and a big mess to clean afterwards. You can even cause permanent damage. Indulging (or venting) is just another way of rebelling against the tension created between the feeling and its repression. We have to compensate for our initial response with an explosive mixture of emotion and willfulness:

Angry?!?! You’re damned right I’m angry, and you’re going to sit right there and listen to why!”

Exploding is just another way of attempting to have control (not experience) our feelings and avoid feeling overwhelmed. You think you are managing the feeling, but in fact, you are not feeling, but rather you are doing emotion. We create drama. Rather than experiencing feeling as a wave, we constrict our sense of self and become the wave itself. Instead of feeling anger or sadness, we become it. Listen to the language we use to describe these states: we say, “I am angry,” “I am sad.” This expression of what we are feeling has temporarily taken over our identity.

Once in the possession of our small, fearful selves, the Mini Me, the only choice we think we have is either to repress our feelings or to be taken over them and become reactive. Either way, we are still stuck on stupid. We are still controlled by our personal emotional novelas disconnected from the reality of the world around and in us, and we are still unable to give ourselves and others our deepest gifts.

Love,

Eddie