Happy Birthday to Me! [or: Happy Endings]

¡Hola! Everybody...
So, allow me to clarify some things: my real age is 56: I am 56 years-old today. I list my birthday as 6/06/06 because I like the perversity of the sixes (666). Yes, I am an “evil doer”: A heretical subversive socialist with anarchist leanings (and a predilection for fucking women in the ass).

Secondly, yes, I can be a drama queen... but shit! I was born on a Monday in New York City… How much more dramatic can it get?!!

I know it’s horrible to brag, but I’m rawking this 56 in the ass and life is fuckin’ good! I would tell you how I’m spending my day, but then I would have to kill you.

* * *

-=[ Genuine Happiness ]=-

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

-- Tallulah Bankhead

I love this quote because it captures my general philosophy. I’ve lived a full life, been to places most people never even dream of, and along the way experienced extreme joy and pain, happiness and a lot of unnecessary suffering. But if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change one thing. Life is perfectly unfolding no matter how imperfectly I may perceive that fact.

I wouldn’t change one thing… mostly because I am genuinely happy today and all the shit that came before is responsible for my life, who I am, and where I’m at as well as where I’m headed. Most people wouldn’t understand what I say by happiness and it’s hard to explain in words. I think it’s because many people seem to be very unhappy.

I’m not talking about mere contentment. I’m talking about an invincible joy at the very core of my being. Some people get me confused: I’m not some blissful idiot walking through life tip-toeing-through-the-fuckin-tulips. I went through a lot to get to where I am today. I have survived experiences you couldn’t even begin to wrap your mind around to get to this present moment. I get angry, happy, horny (a lot), sad, frustrated and all the petty bullshit we all go through. I experience all that as well. But all that shit? Can’t touch this -- can’t come near what I have.

It’s yours too, you know. If you stopped chasing the clouds and looked at the sky for one moment, you would get a glimpse.

Life doesn’t suck, you suck. I’m sorry to break the news, but your pain isn’t all that exceptional. I know, I know: I don’t understand your terminal uniqueness (no one does) and all this doesn’t apply to you, because your situation is special, but come back to me when you begin to awaken from the grip of an ego-centered life. I will cede only one thing to you today: yes, there’s a possibility your life is difficult and full of pain and uncertainty today, but someone somewhere has it worse. This fact doesn’t invalidate your pain, but it should help you put it in perspective.

Let’s move forward…

I’m the worst guy for your pity party and I make my own mother cry, so what chance do you stand?!!

There’s a birthday gift for you in here today, but first you need to answer: here’s two perspectives, which one is right?

Perspective #1: My life really sucks right about now. My job -- the project I have dedicated ten years of my life -- is being phased out. Funding will be cut, and as of the end of June, I will most likely not be working. In any case, I’ve been mired in a professional rut for at least the past four years. I’ve been settling for less and not challenging a whole slew of skill sets -- especially my writing. On the personal front, I don’t have a real girlfriend and I’m horrible at relationships. Actually, I really suck at relationships. I don’t even own a goldfish! I’m tired of this city; my friends are lazy and unmotivated. My life sucks! LIFE SUCKS! Woe is I!

Perspective #2: I possess skills and earn good money for work I’m extremely passionate about. I get to make a difference (regardless how small) in the world. I have the respect of colleagues and I am known for my work and my ethics. I get up in the morning and I feel a creative sense of direction and purpose in my life. For some time now, I have come to the gradual awareness that it’s all coming together and I’m at my peak intellectually, mature and open emotionally, and enjoying my sexuality in ways I never dreamed. Most importantly, my happiness isn’t contingent on any person, place, or thing. In short, today I possess an embarrassment of riches, living a life only a few ever realize.

Which of the above is true? Quick!

Actually? Neither one!

Well, according to “me,” the second point of view is my reality, but even that is not even close to the embodied truth. The ultimate truth is like the clear blue sky. What is sometimes called “Big Sky Mind” in Zen. All that shit I listed above: they are like clouds that pass across the sky. Sometimes the clouds are dark and threatening and block the sky from my vision. Other times, the clouds are beautiful cumulus clouds creating cotton candy-type shapes in the sky. Sometimes, it rains and thunders, and still other times the sky is clear and blue. But the one thing that never changes is the sky itself. The sky stays the same. It never left or changed; I just perceive it that way.

I see too many people chasing clouds. People go on at great length about cloud formations, predicting the rain, or bemoaning the absence of sunshine. All this cloud analyzing is nothing more than mental masturbation and a huge waste of time. Worse, it causes you to suffer.

The sky is there. It just is. It will be there tomorrow and forever and a day. Life simply is.

Period.

If you’re not happy right now, this very moment, even in the midst of all the good or fucked up shit you’re going through, what makes you think you’ll be happy somewhere else, or with someone else? I will guarantee you will never be happy, no matter where you are, who you are with, or how much money or material possessions you amass. Life will send you some shit to fuck up your party and you’ll react just as you’re reacting right now. Why? Because at a fundamental level you’re not happy. You are too busy running from or grasping to something, someone, or some particular form of cloud formation.

If you want to be happy, to experience some measure of joy in your life, then start now. Recognize that the clouds don't change the sky, they only obstruct your perspective. Even if you are experiencing a tremendous amount of pain and suffering right now; even if you find yourself in the grips of fear and uncertainty, this sky is still there, just waiting for you to open you eyes. In other words, you can attain an invincible joy even in the midst of everything that's happening right now. Learn this: as fucked up as you think right now is (and your perception is up for questioning), you can still grab the fruit. You can take a bite of life -- that deliciousness of our most precious gift. Learn to do this. Otherwise get ready for more needless suffering.

That’s my birthday gift to you, my friends. This moment right now. This is it. Go for it...

Love,

Eddie

Doing it the Eddie Way

¡Hola! Everybody...
First, no, this post isn’t about anal sex. Get that out of your mind for one second (but hold that thought. LOL).

I wrote the following while going through a particularly challenging period in my life. Just as love and respect attracts safety and creativity, fear and hate attracts needless suffering. Therefore, I’m going to take the lead and post on gratitude. I usually don’t this tagging bullshit, I find it boring. However, I feel this one is worthwhile. This is how it works: if you read this (in whatever form), you have been tagged -- in other words, you have to post a blog (or write in a journal, or present, etc.) on the things you’re grateful for. If you don’t do it, I will use emotional blackmail (or haunt your dreams) or otherwise use whatever tactics to make your internet experience a less than pleasurable one. ::grin::

You been tagged, muthafuckas, now get to expressing gratitude! LOL

* * *

-=[ Gratitude ]=-

“Don’t say such changes cannot happen. A vast freedom could live inside you. A loaf of bread wrapped in a cloth for the table is just an object, but inside the human body, it becomes gladness for being alive!”
-- Rumi

It should go without saying that if you wanted to get somewhere, a good map or accurate directions is a good place to start -- it can make the difference between arriving at your destination with ease, or becoming hopelessly lost. Imagine, for a moment, if a friend raves about a restaurant or club and when you ask your friend for its location, she says, “Just visualize the restaurant clearly. Post a sign on your refrigerator door that says, ‘I can easily and joyfully find any restaurant I want!’ That’s all I need to do!”

I’m sure most people would think such a statement ridiculous -- and they would be correct. But what if my destination is “self-acceptance”? What if all I wanted was to reach a state of inner wholeness that I have never experienced before? Like the restaurant in the above example, I may have heard wonderful things about it, but I had never been there and didn’t know how to get there. Perhaps many of us can relate having been told to, “Just do it. Just accept yourself.” That’s a lot like being told to “Just go to the restaurant,” without the benefit of directions.

Let me just state it as plainly as I can: today, I am grateful for having that direction in my life, for the luxury of getting to and experiencing self-acceptance.

Let’s try another example. What if you ask how to get to a restaurant and you’re told that before you can even begin to find this restaurant you need to spend several months, or even years, thinking about how bad your own cooking is. You need to explore the reasons why you aren’t happy with your own cooking and why you have this need to go to the restaurant. In addition, before you can visit this restaurant, you also have to understand how you became such a bad cook. I would say this is sillier than the previous example.

A common belief is that if we understand a problem well enough, it will simply disappear. Yet in my life, at any given moment, I could’ve articulated the intricate psychodynamics of my $300-a-day heroin habit and still not be able to change.

Today I am grateful for the freedom from the tyranny of thinking and the over analyzing that was the prison of my life -- literally and figuratively -- before I became free.

My life is not about affirmations or positive thinking. Shit, I have tried many times to overcome my limitations by sheer will power -- trying to act or feel different, telling myself over and over that I would be different. But I discovered that is approaching the issue from the outside in -- it’s trying to rearrange the same furniture in order to create something new. It’s a lot like taking pain medication for a broken bone: you might feel better for a little while, but the core issue, the broken bone, hasn’t been addressed.

Today I am grateful for the many people who have helped me do the “inside job” of creating a lasting transformation.

Most of all, I am grateful for having an underlying sense of wholeness and well-being whether or not things are going well in my life in the moment. Even when things seem to be falling apart, I feel resourceful. I have had this experience numerous times and slowly it has become my default way of being. I am grateful for developing and maintaining an inner sense of self, well-being, and wholeness and perhaps a connection with something beyond myself, that sustains me in difficulty as well as in good times. I am grateful for the awareness that this inner sense of fullness and integrity, and a strong resourceful self is available to each of us, and is our own birthright.

I ain’t all that well, believe me (LOL!), and have times of sadness, frustration, of anger and irritability -- that’s part of being human. But I am equally grateful that even in those times I can still have an underlying sense of joy in my ground of being. I have an inner knowing that I have the resources to weather the storms, an unbeatable sense of optimism that I will come out on the other side of my difficulties not only intact, but also wiser and stronger.

What more could I ask of my life?

All of us have personal limitations we have struggled to overcome. With some of them, it seems that no matter what we do, they won’t go away. Most of us turn away from those parts of ourselves we don’t like. We feel shame and try to repress feelings we don’t want to have. We try to “think positively” and push away negative thoughts. These approaches will never work -- they never seem to create natural, lasting change. Maybe I can appreciate so-called negative feelings such as sadness because I learned the hard way that not feeling -- of being numb physically, emotionally, and spiritually -- is a worse fate than any genuine sadness. Perhaps having experienced that numbness, I am grateful for being able to feel.

Most of all, I am most grateful to be able to emody the message that the way to happiness is through our limitations.

Love,

Eddie

What Really Matters, pt. III

¡Hola! Everybody...
For the people in my life...

* * *

-=[ The Brass Ring ]=-

The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again I'd make all the same mistakes -- only sooner.

-- Talluluah Bankhead

I love that the majority of the people on my list of friends share a wicked sense of humor. With the exception of one or two who occasionally get their panties in a wad, most of you indulge my warped sense of humor and need for connection. I tend to stay away from people who don’t find the humor in this Cosmic Joke we call life.

I am 54 years-old, but I am “young at heart.” Some would say I’m immature, I like to think of myself as adventurous and somewhat unconventional. I love to laugh and I am a man of many different tastes, comfortable in a wide range of situations; but if you want to characterize as juvenile my fondness for riding on carousels, laughing in the rain, or smiling or loving recklessly, then do so. That’s your prerogative. However, don’t mistake my lust for life, nor my smile: I have seen far more than even my tired eyes could ever tell you.

All men are needy, ladies, at least those honest enough to own up to it; and that neediness is exactly what turns women off. Ya’ll want men who will give unconditionally without needing to be praised or recognized for it. The thing is that in order for us men to get in touch with ourselves, we first need to be able look honestly at our needs and articulate them. And therein lies the paradox.

Nevertheless, I have made a commitment to go for the brass ring, no qualifications. I am reckless that way. I am not foolish, but I refuse to live in fear of a broken heart because (FYI) it’s already been broken... several times. I live my life trying to be as transparent as possible and really, people: how many work at that -- truly work at it?

In terms of chronological age, I think most people are mistaken. There’s such a thing as a threshold and age doesn’t necessarily equate to wisdom or even a pleasant disposition. In fact (girds loins), I’ll go out on a limb and say flat out that it’s been my experience that people my age carry more baggage, more unresolved trauma, and are not necessarily all the wiser for it.

As some of you may know, I have dated women much younger than myself, but that doesn’t mean they lacked substance, intelligence, or wit. For the most part the women in my life, regardless of age, possess all these qualities in spades, and, more importantly, they were nice to me too. That’s a huge thing in my book, being pleasant and nice -- it says a lot about a person’s character and attitudinal orientation. This capacity for compassion and generosity is not dependent on age. In fact, these qualities are often the first victims of the vicissitudes of life.

I just want to thank all the women and men on my list for being the way you are, this very moment, and for giving these hilarious times to me. When we’re old and feeble, poosies dragging, dicks limp, what will have mattered… really mattered?

I’ll tell you what will have mattered most: the times you smiled, the way you hold your head when you laugh, the times you ran around in the rain like a fool, the glint in your eye, and most of all, all those crimes and foolish catastrophes of the heart. In short, what will have mattered most when the tally is counted for the last time are the daring spurts of unreasonable laughter you stole. Thanks for joining me, even for a while, in my quest to be unreasonably happy, poking fun at you and me and laughing together.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [Island life]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I went for one of my solitary walks in The City yesterday and it’s amazing what a paltry 50 degrees will do to people! LOL Today, a good friend will be hosting her book launch. Aside from having a really cool name, Puma Perl, she’s an excellent poet. She likes to call her poetry “bad girl” poetry and her work does have an edge (Duh, her latest is titled “Knuckle Tattoos” LOL). What I like about her work, however, is that her edge is real. Many people try to adopt that kind of raw edge, but ultimately what they offer is a pose. Ma girl Puma’s edge is heartfelt, from the core. I highly recommend her... If you can’t make her book party today:

Bowery Poetry Club/ 308 Bowery/ 6-7:30 (Click here for details and directions)

You can check out her work here (click here)

* * *

-=[ Island Life ]=-

The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.

-- Carlos Castaneda

Imagine spending the better part of a year living on an island paradise living off low hanging fruit. For company, you have the most beautiful woman (or man). You go barefoot for so long your shoes no longer fit you. Sounds great, right? A dream, a fantasy come true. And it was!

Except for one thing...Wherever I went, there I was.

Let me start over. I have to say that I honestly have no regrets. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I would make all the same mistakes again -- only sooner. I know this sounds like a cliché (and it is), but it is true. This comes from gratitude. Gratitude is a kind of spiritual dignity. Everything I ever did, everything I have experienced has conspired to create the man you see before you today. And for some time now, I have been truly genuinely grateful for who I am today. It’s not ego. I meet plenty of people who say they love themselves, but what if what you’re “loving” is fucked up? LOL That’s ego, not love.

Every pain, every hardship, every mistake -- all of it -- I would do it all over again, and I have no regrets. Pain is a great teacher. I think it was the poet Gibran who said, “Pain is the breaking of the shell of your understanding.” Today, I try to welcome the negative, the ugly, the positive, and beautiful equally. Our feelings are our children and why would you abandoned the angels with dirty faces and keep only the well-mannered, socially acceptable feelings?

Back to the beach. There you are in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. Totally untainted by pollution and modern technology. White sands, aquamarine water, pale blue skies smeared with occasional tufts of white cotton candy clouds. Nothing but the moment and the attentions of a goddess/ god of a woman/ man to tend to. Paradise, right? But what if your state of mind doesn’t see it that way? What if you're more concerned with ruminating on the past (memories) and chasing the future (fantasy) than you are in enjoying that island paradise?

What I’m trying to say is that people (the woman), places (the island), or things (possessions) are not the prerequisites for happiness. If you’re feeling fucked up right now, it wouldn’t matter where you were, no sooner that you become habituated and the novelty wears off, you will be back to feeling fucked up. Happiness and joy is a state of being, not a place. Sure, it’s easier to think that you could do the happy place faster if your ideal man or woman was feeding you grapes on some isolated island paradise, but that’s bullshit.

I know...

If you want to be happy (and let’s face it, some of us don’t), then all you have to do is create it. I am a sun worshiper, for example, and my idea of retirement would be to run a used bookstore on some tropical island (mate optional). Still, I live on that island all these years later and you can too. Think of what you think will make you happy. What is your fantasy of happiness? For example, if my island fantasy is to your liking, imagine yourself there. How would you act? How would you look, talk, and walk? What would your frame of mind be like?

Got it? Hold it in your mind. Get all the details down, from your smile to your manner of dress, attitude, etc.

Now here’s my last question for you: what’s stopping you from living like that right now?

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [Adversity]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I had a stomach ache last might... LOL

* * *

-=[ When Shit Happens ]=-

In the late 70s / early 80s, I worked in the Wall St. area at a well-known corporation. I was young and dangerous (LOL). I worked with a group of young men just like me, young, full of life -- and mischievous. I wasn’t allowed near the secretarial pool (no problem, I got them in the elevator); I worked hard and played harder. Our department was called “Romper Room” because we were always getting into some type of trouble or causing drama.

One of the things we did was play pranks. The prank playing would eventually cause two of us our jobs (playing a prank on CEO is not a good idea) and it got so bad, I used to walk around looking behind me all the time. We were very creative. For example, I advanced to a quasi-supervisory position (not because of my work ethic, but by dint of seniority). I would order one of the guys to pick up some garbage around his desk, act as if I were having a baby behind it, have him sweep it into an envelope, and then secretly mail it to his house (it took him years to figure it out).

The mother of one of the crew kept receiving subscriptions for Screw magazine (don' t, look at me!). Mothers and girlfriends were favorite targets. You can’t get any lower than targeting a mother. I mean, mothers were off limits, you could get killed for targeting a mother, but that never stopped us. As our antics “evolved” we found newer and more creative ways to go lower.

Hot foots, phone calls in the middle of the night, booby traps that would make Rube Goldberg mad with envy -- it was all there in our department of about 10-15 men in their early 20s. Let me tell you, those days were a lot of fun. It was then that my partying began to take on epic proportions and believe me, when I got high, I was

Out. Of. Control.

Well, one day, I was visiting one of my co-workers in New Jersey. Another friend of ours lived across the street and I got in into my head to order a truckload of sand and have it sent to his address. His father had a lawn that he loved more than his own son, I think, and that upped the wow factor up a few notches. My accomplice/ friend upped the ante even more when he suggested we change the order from sand to fertilizer. Pure genius!

We made the call, put in the order for a truckload of fertilizer, and gave our co-worker’s address across the street. We sat by the window and waited...

A while passed and we saw the truck pull up to our co-worker’s residence and then something happened we didn’t plan for: the driver dumped the fertilizer right there on the lawn!

This took the prank to a whole other level. We were beside ourselves with laughter. The sight of our co-worker’s mother running out and then his father and the ensuing argument was priceless to us at that time. Then our co-worker came out, looked around and it hit him that he was being pranked. LMAO!

I know, I know, it’s fucked up, immature, blah blah blah... as we would say back then, “Unclench the anal sphincter bitches... ” Yeah, it was wrong, but we were young, dumb, and full of cum, shoot me.

Shit happens all the time. The Buddhists have a pretty cool teaching story/ metaphor for this truism.

Imagine you’re having a beautiful day at home with your spouse. All of sudden, out of the blue, you realize someone has dumped a truckload of shit on your front lawn. There are four realities to this situation:

1. You did not order it. It’s not your fault.
2. You’re stuck with it. No one saw who dumped it, so you can’t call anyone to tow it away.
3. It’s filthy and offensive, the aroma fills your whole house. It’s almost impossible to endure.
4. No, I didn’t order it.

In this metaphor, the truckload of shit on your front lawn symbolizes the traumatic experiences that are dumped on us in this life. As with the truckload of shit, there are four things to know about the tragedies in our lives:

1. We did not order it. It’s not our fault (the “Why me?” factor)
2. We’re stuck with it. No one, not even those who love us most, can take it away (though they try).
3. It is awful, it destroys our happiness, and its pain fills our life. In fact, at times it feels as if it almost impossible to endure
4. No, I didn’t cause it.

Taking into consideration the above realities, there are several ways we can respond when shit happens. The first way (and this seems the most popular) is to carry the shit around with us. Some of us put the shit we’re handed in our pockets, in our baggage, and some inside their bras. We even pout some down in our pants. What happens is that some of us quickly realize carrying shit around leads to the loss of many friends. Even your best friends don’t like the smell of shit.

“Carrying around shit” is a metaphor for falling for the seduction of depression, anger, or negativity. This isn’t unusual. In fact, it’s a natural and understandable response to adversity. But our loved ones disappear because it equally natural and understandable that our friends don’t like being around us when we’re so depressed. The smell of shit often gets worse, not better.

But there is another response we can choose. We find that we’ve been handed a truckload of shit, we can acknowledge the tribulation, sigh, and then get to working. We can bring out the tools and shovel the shit into our wheelbarrow, wheel it and dig it into our garden. This hard, exhausting, and often very difficult work, but deep down we know there’s no better option.

Some days, we can barely fill our barrow. But the fact that we’re doing something about the problem, rather than complaining, helps lift us out of our depression. Every day, we dig into that shit, and the pile begins to get smaller. Sometimes it takes years, but the time comes that the shit on your front lawn is all gone. In addition, something else has happened. The flowers in our garden are bursting out in a riot of color all over the place. The sweet perfume wafts down so that your neighbors and even people passing through smile in delight.

Your fruits and vegetables are nearly bursting with ripe fullness. In addition, the fruit is so sweet, you can’t possibly buy anything like it at the local supermarket. We share those gifts freely, even with strangers, without planning to, or expecting anything in return.

“Digging into the shit: is a metaphor for welcoming the tragedies and fertilizer for life. It is work that we have to do alone -- no one can help us here. But toiling in the garden of our solitude, day by day, lessens our pain. When we have lived through tragic pain, learned its lesson for us, and toiled in our garden, then we can put our arms around another experiencing deep loss and say softly say to them, “I know.” And they will realize that you understand. It is here that compassion begins. We can show them the gardening tools and offer them encouragement. But if we haven’t grown our own garden, this can’t be done.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon (It's Too Much to Hope for)

¡Hola! Everybody...
Today is the Dominican Day Parade. I will be there as the [un]Official Parade Culo Inspector... LOL

I don’t know if the following was written by a Buddhist, but it sure does capture the core Buddhist POV on pain and suffering...

* * *

-=[It’s Too Much to Hope for ]=-

It's too much to hope for a life without pain,
It's wrong to expect a life without pain,
For pain is our body's defense.
No matter how much we dislike it,
And nobody likes it,
Pain is important,
And,
For pain we should be grateful!
How else would we know,
To move our hand from the fire?
Our finger from the blade?
Our foot from the thorn?
So pain is important,
And for pain we should be grateful!
Yet,
There's a type of pain that serves no purpose,
That's chronic pain,
It's that elite band of pain that's not for defense.
It's an attacking force.
An attacker from within
A destroyer of happiness
An aggressive assailant on personal ability
A ceaseless invader of personal peace
And,
A continuous harassment to life!
Chronic pain is the hardest hurdle for the mind to jump.
Sometimes it is almost impossible to jump,
Yet, we must keep trying,
And trying,
And trying,
Because if we don't it will destroy.
And,
From this battle will come some good,
The satisfaction of overcoming pain.
The achievement of happiness and peace, of life in spite of it.
This is quite an achievement,
An achievement very special, very personal,
A feeling of strength
Of inner strength
Which has to be experienced to be understood.
So, we all have to accept pain,
Even sometimes destructive pain.
For it is part of the scheme of things,
And the mind can manage it,
And the mind will become stronger for the practice.

-- Jonathan Wilson-Fuller

What is even more remarkable about this piece is that it was written when Jonathan was only nine-years-old! Read more about him (click here)

Love,

Eddie

Stretching It...

¡Hola! Everybody...
I hope to start my holiday weekend a little early. I am going away (to Boston and New Hampshire), so I’ll be scarce. Please be careful driving if you’re traveling and leave the fireworks to the experts:

alcohol x stupidity + fireworks (firearms) = “accidents”

Don’t be an idiot.

* * *

-=[ Expansions ]=-

Man's mind once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimension.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

You have everything you need, in this very moment, to be happy. If I were to stop right there, that is all I would need to say to you.

I am not referring to bullshit happiness here, I am pointing to a form of happiness beyond your wildest imagination. A happiness that endures through all the vicissitudes of life, an invincible summer in the heart of your winter.

Our problem isn’t that we need to attain something, be something, or improve something. You’re quite fine right now. No, our basic problem is simply that we have forgotten our true selves. Having become entangled in the never-ending dramatic cycle of being an individual, striving for individual recognition, achievement, satisfaction we feel separate, alienated, and at war with our world. We have forgotten of our essential truth. “Expanding your mind” is breaking through this limited self-concept, integrating to a basic unity that has always been, and accessing the spark of the divine light you carry within.

You see the problem is not one of learning enough or achieving enough in order to pull ourselves out of our present state of “inadequacy,” as we have been conditioned to believe. It is instead simply a problem of perceiving the truth as it is, without distortion. As we expand our consciousness, we become more aware of our universe and our place in it.

The solution is one of perception. Our ability to perceive clearly depends on a methodology that stretches our nervous system, expanding its range, and in that way allowing consciousness to expand. Spirituality, a true integral spirituality, is the science of expanding consciousness. Expanding your consciousness is returning to the Source that created you, becoming conscious of the source of your energy, and becoming one with that Source. Spiritual technologies exist that help you access this energy and once you have experienced this expanded state, you will never be the same.

I think the first step is to develop what I call The Witness. It’s the part of your consciousness that is aware that you are aware. In Buddhism, this is called mindfulness, and some consider it the opposable thumb of consciousness. When you the limited concept of yourself, your ego, dedicates itself to an expanded self, then you have entered a completely new path.

Life is always willing to teach you -- the universe is just waiting for you to be available. In fact, it’s constantly putting opportunities in your path to learn and to evolve from your current state. You have probably considered them irritations and problems and done everything to avoid them.

You have gone through your daily life absorbed in the drama -- the pleasures, the pains, your dreams and frustrations. As you evolve spiritually, you identify more with your Higher Self and you begin to lose interest in the little and big games going on around you. In fact, you learn to be in the game and, at the same time, in a higher expanded consciousness, watching from a detached (“witness”) perspective.

From this expanded consciousness you totally experience the sensation, thought, or feeling going on in the present moment and at the same time are able to observe it objectively, fully conscious, without the usual attendant inner commentary. In this way, the thought or feeling loses its hold on you and ceases to be an irritation or obsession. Then the work begins -- the peeling away of layer after layer mental illusions you have come to think of as part of your self.

Love,

Eddie

Unreasonable Happiness

¡Hola! Everybody...
It’s getting hard to concentrate and I am still looking for my summer fling!

* * *

-=[ The Brass Ring ]=-

The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make all the same mistakes -- only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

I love that the majority of the people on my list share a wicked sense of humor. With the exception of one or two who occasionally get their panties in a wad, most of you indulge my warped sense of humor and need for connection. I find those who don’t have the ability to laugh at themselves and this whole Cosmic Joke we call life, are seriously fragmented people and I tend to stay away from such people.

I am 54 years-old, but I am young at heart -- adventurous, and a tad unconventional. I love to laugh and I am a man of many different tastes, comfortable in a wide range of situations; but if you want to characterize as juvenile my fondness for riding on carousels, laughing in the rain, or smiling recklessly, then do so. That’s your prerogative. However, don’t mistake my lust for life, nor my smile: I have seen far more than even my tired eyes could ever tell you.

If you think me insane, then leave! Just remember to close my door quietly and take with you that ultimate prize, the last word. But don’t go away mad, just go... LOL!

All men are needy, ladies, at least those honest enough to own up to it; and that neediness is exactly what turns women off. Ya’ll want men who will give unconditionally without needing to be praised or recognized for it. The thing is that in order for us men to get in touch with ourselves, we first need to be able look honestly at our needs and articulate them. And therein lies the paradox.

Nevertheless, I have made a commitment to give, period. No qualifications. I am reckless that way. I am not foolish, but I refuse to live in fear of a broken heart -- it’s already been broken, several times. I live my life trying to be as transparent as possible and really, people: how many work at that -- truly work at it?

In terms of chronological age, I think some are mistaken: there’s a threshold when it comes to age and it doesn’t necessarily equate to wisdom or even a pleasant disposition. In fact (girds loins), I’ll go out on a limb and state flat out that it’s been my experience that women (and men!) my age carry more baggage, more unresolved trauma, and are not necessarily all the wiser for it.

As some of you may know, I have dated women much younger than I myself, but that doesn’t mean they lacked substance, intelligence, and wit. For the most part, the women in my life possessed all these qualities in spades, and, more importantly, they were nice to me, to boot. That’s a huge thing in my book, being pleasant and nice -- it says a lot about a person’s character and attitudinal orientation. This quality is not dependent on age. In fact, this quality is often the first victim of the vicissitudes of life.

I just want to thank all the women and men on my list for being the way you are, this very moment, and for giving these hilarious times to me. When we’re old and feeble, poosies dragging, dicks limp, what will have mattered?

… really mattered?

I’ll tell you what matters: it’s the smile on your face, the way you hold your head when you laugh, the times you ran around in the rain like a fool, the glint in your eye, and worse, all those foolish chances of the heart. In short, what will have mattered most when the tally is counted are the spurts of unreasonable laughter you dared steal. Thanks for joining me, even if a while, in my quest to be unreasonably happy, poking fun at you and myself and laughing together.

You guys are a “special” group!

Love,

Eddie

Life 101: Happiness

¡Hola! Everybody...
So, allow me to clarify some things: my real age is 54: I am 54 years-old today. I list my birthday as 6/06/06 because I like the perversity of the sixes (666). Yes, I am an “evil doer”! A heretical subversive socialist with anarchist leanings. LOL

Secondly, yes, I can be a drama queen... but shit! I was born on a Monday in New York City!

How much more dramatic can it get?!!

I know it’s horrible to brag, but I’m rawking this 54 in the ass and life is fuckin’ good! I will be spending the earlier part of the day with my mother and sister, and then later tonight -- I can’t say! LOL My mother keeps asking where I’m going. LOL

A friend took me to see The Hangover yesterday and it was hilarious:

While I find too many comedies today (fuck Will Ferrell) appeal to the lowest common denominator, and I would appreciate some irony once in a while, this male bonding flick is belly-laugh funny. It reminds me of my own hangovers/ blackouts (if I could ever remember them).

Which brings me to today’s [re]post... my gift to you.

* * *

-=[ Genuine Happiness ]=-

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

-- Tallulah Bankhead

I love this quote because it captures my general philosophy in life. I’ve lived a full life, been to places most people never even dream of, and along the way experienced extreme joy and pain, happiness and a lot of unnecessary suffering. But if I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change one thing. Life is perfectly unfolding no matter how imperfectly I may perceive that fact.

I wouldn’t change one thing… mostly because I am genuinely happy today and all the shit that came before is responsible for my life, who I am, and where I’m at as well as where I’m headed. Most people wouldn’t understand what I say by happiness and it’s hard to explain in words. I think it’s because many people seem to be very unhappy.

I’m not talking about mere contentment. I’m talking about an invincible joy at the very core of my being. Some people get me confused: I’m not some blissful idiot walking through life tip-toeing through the fuckin tulips. I went through a lot to get to where I am today. I have survived experiences you couldn’t even begin to wrap your mind around in order to get this present moment. I get angry, happy, horny (a lot), sad, frustrated -- all the petty bullshit we al go through, I experience all that as well. But all that shit? Can’t touch this -- can’t come near what I have.

It’s yours too, you know. If you stopped chasing the clouds and looked at the sky for one moment, you would get a glimpse.

Life doesn’t suck, you suck. I’m sorry to break the news, but your pain isn’t all that unique. I know, I know, I don’t understand your terminal uniqueness (no one does) and all this doesn’t apply to you, because your shit is special, but come back to me when you want to do something other than bitch about it.

Move forward…

I’m the worst guy for your pity party and I make my own mother cry, so what chance do you stand?!!

LOL!

Here’s my birthday gift to you: Two perspectives, which one is right?

1. My life really sucks right about now. My job is getting to me and I’m tired of doing the same shit and I need to be challenged in different ways. Face it, I’m in a professional rut. I don’t have a real girlfriend and I’m horrible at relationships. I really suck at relationships! I don’t even own a cat. I’m tired of this city; my friends are lazy and unmotivated. My life sucks! LIFE SUCKS Woe is I!

2. I earn a good income involving work I’m extremely passionate about. I get up in the morning and I feel a creative sense of direction and purpose in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel as if it’s all coming together and I’m at my peak intellectually, open emotionally, and enjoying my sexuality in ways I never dreamed of before. Best of all, my happiness isn’t contingent on any person, place, or thing. In short, today I possess an embarrassment of riches, living a life only a few ever realize.

Which of the above is true?

Actually? Neither one!

Well, according to “me,” the second point of view is my reality, but even that is not even close to the “truth.” The ultimate truth is like the clear blue sky. What they call “Big Sky Mind” is Zen. All that shit I listed above are like clouds that pass across the sky. Sometimes the clouds are dark and threatening and block the sky from our vision. Other times, the clouds are beautiful cumulus clouds creating cotton candy type shapes in the sky. At times, it rains and thunders, other times the sky is clear and blue. But the one thing that never changes is the sky itself. The sky stays the same. It never left or changed; we just perceive it that way.

I see too many people chasing clouds. People go on at great length about cloud formations, predicting the rain, or bemoaning the absence of sunshine. All this cloud analyzing is nothing more than mental masturbation and a huge waste of time.

The sky is there. It just is. It will be there tomorrow and forever and a day.

Life is.

Period.

If you’re not happy right now, this very moment, even in the midst of all the shit you’re going through, what makes you think you’ll be happy somewhere else, or with someone else? I will guarantee you will never be happy, no matter where you are, who you are with, or how much money or material possessions you amass, you will somehow find a way to bitch and moan about some bullshit. Why? Because at a fundamental level you’re not happy. If you want to be happy, to experience some measure of joy in your life, then start now. Otherwise, get ready to bitch some more.

That’s my birthday gift to you, my friends. This moment right now. This is it. Go for it...

Love,

Eddie

Happiness

¡Hola! Everybody...
I need a new suit...

This is another repost. I reworked it a little, though it would’ve been better if I delved into one aspect of it a little deeper.

* * *

-=[ Pursuit of Happiness ]=-

“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”

-- Greg Anderson (1964–)

I remember listening once while a fellow meditator listed a string of unfortunate situations as a way of explaining her unhappiness. The teacher sat and closed her eyes for what seemed like many moments and I thought he was going to dig up a pearl of wisdom, so I was listening with all my might. Instead of an answer, however, this is what the teacher said, “You will always have this problem.”

That was fucked up, I thought to myself. However, I have since learned that this was a powerful teaching.

There are two very different ways of attaining happiness. One is so deeply conditioned in our society that almost everything in our culture supports it. The other is radically different proposed almost twenty-five centuries ago and is still followed to this day. The question for me today is: which approach is most likely to contribute the most happiness? My money is on the older approach.

First, I should begin by offering a basic definition of happiness. For this, I will turn to modern systems theory (I know, I know, it sounds egg-headed – bear with me). Every organism, whether cellular, social or psychological has some sort of membrane, or boundary that defines its internal and external. In other words, every organism has boundaries that defining its self from its environment.

Still with me? Ok!…

At a very basic level then, happiness can be simply defined as a state of equilibrium between inner and outer states. Unhappiness is created when we experience an uncomfortable tension we call desire -- the yearning for this tension to resolve itself. We want the outer world to be somehow balanced with our inner world.

Which bring me to the two strategies for achieving happiness: One is to change the external environment – the outer world – to meet the needs (or wants) of the organism, the other is to change the internal state -- the inner world – to adapt itself to the environment. In other words, we can strive to change the world in order to satisfy our desires, or we can change our needs by adapting to the world. Both strategies have as their goal the aim of removing the agitation of desires, one by fulfilling them and the other by letting go of them.

For humans as we are structured gratification of desire usually means getting each of the six senses to experiencing its object of desire (whether the object is a thing, person, or place) together with a feeling tone of pleasure. Of course, we all know that such moments cannot be sustained, but that doesn’t seem to be a deterrent. Even knowing we can’t satisfy all the senses all the time, the satisfaction of some of the senses some of the time is still considered a very appropriate thing to do with our time.

Virtually everything in our culture reinforces this idea, and we are continually encouraged to define ourselves by how many of our desires we have been able to slake: a new car, a bigger, better home, a more attractive partner, a newer iPod (my particular weakness. *grin*), etc.

This tendency to change the world in order to calm our desires is actually based on the idea of how things should be, and therefore is dependent on how much wisdom we can bring to bear on any given moment. As someone who actively participates in activists’ causes and social justice, I have a strong problem here. I mean, shouldn’t the desire to change the world for altruistic ideals -- making the world a better place -- be a better desire? In fact, many people get Buddhism wrong. There are good desires, even noble ones. It’s not that some desires are not more worthy than others. I find the problem is in the nature of desire itself.

Because we are so conditioned with the notion that happiness is something to be pursued “out there,” it might sound odd to hear of a tradition that talks of uncovering happiness from within. A long time ago, a great man stated that to live is to know suffering. I think this is true enough, we all know suffering in some form or another. However, he also said that there is a way out of suffering if we seek out its internal causes, understand them, and solve the problem through internal adjustments. According to the Buddha, it’s not the tension between the inner and outer worlds that causes unhappiness; it is the desire for the external to change (or not to change, as the case may be), which is itself an internal state.

The one constant in life is that everything is constantly changing. Even our bodies are constantly changing, replacing dead cells with newer ones. People come and go, electronic gadgets become obsolete, replaced by newer, faster, and thinner models. *grin* Conditions in the world are notoriously unstable and often subject to forces beyond our control, while internal desires are intimate and more accessible. It is simply more efficient to adapt to the world than to alter it. Now please! Don’t take this to mean that we just sit there and do nothing! I’m talking here about changing the basic mindset of getting more, grasping for more, as a major focus in attaining happiness.

Grasping and getting is problematic because the mind, as the creator of desires, will always throw up more than can ever be satisfied by even the most successful series of external changes. The fact is that even if we were extremely successful at making everything outside of ourselves be just the way we want it to be (at the very least, a childish thought, you must admit), we could never get anything fundamentally perfect. Because our desires are always changing, because they are often conflicting, and because the changes in our external world can never keep up with the pace of a wanting, grasping mind, the satisfaction of desire as a strategy for happiness will always be doomed.

What I love most about this teaching, however, is not this particular insight, but the fact that it isn’t a “philosophy.” The Buddha actually left us a method to use in order to attain this relationship with our inner worlds. But that’s another post, for another time.

Love,

Eddie

The Happiness Cross-Training Machine

¡Hola! Everybody...
It’s cold out here!

I have a few busy days coming up right before Christmas. I was out sick for a couple of days last week, and now is catch up time!

Repost!

* * *

-=[ Happiness 101 ]=-

“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”

-- Greg Anderson (1964–) NBA basketball player

For many of us, being happy is a state of mind just around the corner. It will come, but only when we get that job, education, lover, shoes, or bag. We will be happy, we seem to be saying, only when we somehow get our act together. In essence, what we’re saying is that we don’t deserve, or cannot attain, that elusive feeling of happiness right at this moment.

I’m here to tell you today that’s all a bunch of crock. We can only be happy right now, this very moment, even in the midst of pain and loss.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

Yesterday? Tomorrow?

Keep digging up those bodies of yesterday – the trauma and the hurt of your past -- and all you will get are memories. What about tomorrow, you ask? Won’t happiness come tomorrow when we get it together, meet the perfect lover, get the perfect job, find the perfect Coach bag? Find God?

Maybe you’re busy creating a slew of resolutions for the New Year!

Dearest, tomorrow is but a fantasy, a figment of your imagination, and get this bit of news: it’s not even guaranteed. You could drop dead today, right in the middle of reading this, say, or crossing the street, or while taking a particularly challenging dump (your mother was right: wear clean underwear).

All you have, dear reader, is this moment – right here right now.

Here’s a revolutionary notion: Why not be happy now?!! What’s that you say? You have problems and I don’t understand? You have no food and are hungry. You’re bi-polar and heavily medicated? You have no home and are a broke, wretched soul?

Welcome!

You’re not as unique as you would like to think maybe part of the issue is that terminal uniqueness you cling to so tenaciously?). If you’re not happy this very moment it’s simply because you have chosen not to be happy. Face it: most of us are addicted to our sadness and our wounds, it’s what we know and leaving sadness and pain can be very traumatizing because then we come to the realization that our happiness must radiate from within. In leaving your default attitude of cynicism and sadness, you come face-to-face with your own accountability.

Go ahead, leave, but before you close my door, please know that sooner or later you’re going to have to face the fact that what you most want can happen today, not tomorrow, but right now -- in this very life.

If you want it.

Yes it is that fuckin’ simple... The issue is that we buy into the conditioning that somehow we’re incomplete. We practice being miserable. We’re even proud of it -- proud of our cynicism and bleak outlook. It’s really cool to be in touch with our misery. We seem to be trying to outdo one another in just how miserable we can all be and how cool we can look while feeling it. My even pointing out that happiness is attainable at this very moment is the height of being uncool.

I’ll leave you with something today and I know 99.99% of you will be too busy analyzing it and miss the forest for the trees, but if even one person actually tries this, then my own life is richer because there’ll be one less miserable person on this little plot of greenery we call Earth.

Just do it…shut the noise for a second…

The Practice

Think of something you really desire. It could be a new pair of shoes, a Benz, or that Grand prize: the ever so elusive “The One” -- your soulmate, the perfect lover! Or, it could be twenty million dollars. Whatever comes to your mind first, something you really want, but don’t have.

Think of that... Got it?

Now, imagine that you have it. How would you act, right now? How would you feel, right now? Act and feel as if you had what you desire, right now. Breathe, move, speak, and adopt the facial expressions as if you had it. Act this way for a few minutes; become comfortable with the feeling of abundance that comes with having what you want.

Don’t just sit there and think about it, do it! Go!

Back?

Is acting and feeling this way basically better than how you were acting and feeling before you imagined having what you desire?

If the answer is yes, then continue acting and feeling this way! Why not allow yourself to feel this abundance now?!! Why are you still waiting for an excuse?

If the answer is that feeling this way is not better, then ignore and forget about the object of your desire because getting it won’t make you feel or act any better than how you’re acting now.

The saying goes that there are two great disappointments in life: not getting what you want and getting it. I’ll disagree with that. I will submit that there are desires that can lead us to be happier, but why wait?

A better way of putting it would be:

1. Act like you feel as if you had everything you wanted. Or…

2. Ignore your desires because they don’t lead to happiness anyway.

Either way, it’s a no-lose situation: you are free.

* * *

Love,

Eddie

Giving Thanks

¡Hola! Everybody...
Why is it miserable people seek solace by attempting to impose their misery on others?

Here’s wising everybody a great holiday weekend.

* * *

-=[ Gratitude ]=-

“If the only prayer you say in your whole life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

-- Meister Eckhart (c.1260-c.1327)

Thanksgiving, with its roots in myths and falsehoods, holds significance on many for levels. However, for me Thanksgiving holds its most significant meaning on a personal level. You see, it was around this time about 18 years ago that I experienced the first of a series of “spiritual awakenings” that would drastically change my life. The exact date is November 26, 1990 and it usually falls around Thanksgiving Day. A week before this date, I was so overcome with psychological pain that I attempted to commit suicide. It’s actually a little funny. If I tried to sell it as a story, most producers would say it sounds phony. It was a cold, rainy, windy November day. I remember there was a storm coming, some early, freak Nor’easter, and it was very windy that day. I tried climbing over the rail on the Brooklyn Bridge’s pedestrian walk, but I was so skinny from malnutrition and years of substance abuse, that a strong wind knocked me on my butt. I saw this as the ultimate insult, not even being able to kill myself, which gives you an idea of my state of mind at the time.

I walked away cursing my life to chase another bag of heroin. In my warped way of thinking, I had this fear that I would botch up my own suicide and merely succeed in paralyzing myself, dooming myself to chase that bag from the disadvantage of a wheelchair, so I decided I would make someone else put myself out of my misery.

Though I speak lightly today of that time, I was miserable. I don’t believe in a God in the traditional Christian/ Judeo sense, but each night during that time I would pray that if there was a God/ Goddess/ It, that they would find it in their mercy to kill me in my sleep. But every day I would wake up to find myself alive, cursing my existence. I would always awake broke, but at the height of my active addiction, I would manage to spend $300 by the end of the day, feeding my heroin habit.

I took to ripping off drug-dealers, never a safe proposition. One day, an individual annoyed that I had separated him from his assets, pulled out a gun, and threatened me with it. I took the gun by the barrel, put it to my forehead, and begged him to shoot. All I asked was that he made sure to kill me because, “You would be doing me a favor.”

This was in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded New York City street. I remember people screaming and a crowd forming, but what I remember most was thinking that this was my way out. “Do it, ma’fucca!” I yelled. He pulled the trigger and…

Nothing happened…

I don’t know if the gun jammed or if it wasn’t loaded, but for whatever reason, the gun did not go off. The drug-dealer, for whatever reason, yanked the gun from my grasp and tried to whip me with it. But I wasn’t having that. You could kill me, but I like the way I look. ::grin:: By then people had gathered and separated us and he walked away, calling me crazy and vowing to get me (A familiar refrain, huh? LOL!).

In my mind, I thought I could do nothing right.

That wasn’t the worst of it, things actually spiraled downwards until November 26^th, when I was arrested after having been on the streets for only 14 days. That was my bottom, the total bottom. Humiliated and defeated not know what to do, knowing only that I was facing a lot of prison time, I experienced a spiritual awakening that would change my life forever. No, I didn’t see God, nor did a burning bush dictate commandments to me. Actually, most people would consider the events that transpired on that drizzly, dreary November day as a defeat. For me, it was the beginning of a new life. Having experienced total defeat, it freed me from my worldview to glimpse a new world filled with possibilities. It was like a bolt of lightning in the middle of darkness: everything became illuminated for a brief second before plunging into darkness again.

A the core of my life today is an invincible joy. This is why I often tend to see the better side of people: I know even the worst of us have the potential to liberate ourselves from our own self-made prisons. Unfortunately, there are some in denial regarding the shackles they cling to. To those people I offer my profound thanks for keeping it real for me. You remind me of what I was and why.

No, I am not a religious person and no, I don’t accept Jesus (nor anyone else, for that matter) as my “Savior.” In fact, neither Jesus nor religion had anything to do with my recovery. My personal view is that religion is for people who are afraid of hell while spirituality is for those who have already been there. What brought me back to my humanity is a set of principles so simple anyone (even me) can implement them. Today I try to be the best person I can be on a daily basis and oftentimes I fall short of the mark. However, my intent and direction is good and orderly – I try to live a life that’s centered on spiritual growth.

On that day, 18 years ago, I had no clue of the joy I am experiencing today. It’s a joy that’s not dependent on any person, place, or thing. I can be sad, happy, angry, disappointed, disgusted – I can be experiencing any number of attachments – but at the center, at the very core of me -- there is a profound awareness and connection that’s greater than any drug-induced high I have ever experienced. Believe me: coming from me, that’s saying a lot! LOL

I’m no hero, so please don’t post comments lauding my actions or “victories.” My life is a redemption song, a manifestation of what can happen when people reconnect and help one another without condition. If you laud me, then you’re leaving out the countless individuals who gave to me, who supported me and taught me the simple principles of honesty, openness, and willingness that allow me to live my life as I do today. And if you leave out that part -- the people who loved me until I could love myself -- then you’re eroding my message. So this day is not about me, it’s about a celebration of Life.

I don’t write this self-indulgently. I write this because maybe there’s someone out there somewhere feeling the same pain I once felt. Perhaps someone feeling the same utter defeat, humiliation, and hopelessness might read this today and maybe -- just maybe -- it might give them hope. That I can embody this message is a source of happiness for me.

For that, I am truly grateful. Life continues to hurl challenges at me. I experience sadness, happiness, the loss of loved ones -- the “full catastrophe” of life. At times, I feel as if a thread is being pulled and my life and all I have worked for all these years seems to unravel. At those times, I could easily adopt the attitude that my life, that life itself, sucks. But that’s a lie. Life is a gift -- probably the most precious of gifts.

And for that I am most grateful.

May you all have as much to be thankful for…

Love,

Eddie