Social Proof

¡Hola! Everybody...
We’re holding another picnic on the day before Fathers Day (Saturday, June 20^th). It will be held at Pelham Bay Park in da Bronx. For details and directions, click here...

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-=[ Social Proof & Death ]=-

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.

-- Walter Lippman

For more than half an hour thirty-eight respectable, law-abiding citizens in Queens watched a killer stalk and stab a woman in three separate attacks in Kew Gardens.

Twice the sound of their voices and the sudden glow of their bedroom lights interrupted him and frightened him off. Each time he returned, sought her out, and stabbed her again. Not one person telephoned the police during the assault; one witness called after the woman was dead.

-- Former times reporter A.M. Rosenthal

There is a powerful weapon of influence called social proof. The principle of social proof is that one way we determine what is correct is to find out what other people think is correct. This principle applies especially to the way we decide what makes up correct behavior. We view a behavior more correct to the degree that we see others performing it. Whether the issue is what to do with a piece of garbage, how fast to drive on a highway, or how to use a utensil at a formal dinner party, the actions of those around us will be important in determining our behavior.

Of course, in the internet world, we’re all free thinkers and the principle of social proof doesn’t apply to you. Hold on, I need to sneeze…

ACHOOOOBULLSHIT!

Thank you.

Where was I? Yes, social proof.

Perhaps you’ve waited on a long line to see a movie? Or maybe you came upon a crowd looking up toward the sky. You looked up too, right? Part of it was curiosity, but you did that mostly because of the principle of social proof. The tendency to see an action as more appropriate when others are doing it is quite normal and it often serves a good purpose. As a rule, we make fewer mistakes when acting in agreement with social evidence than when we act contrary to it. Usually, when many people are doing something, it is the right thing to do. However, this is both a strength and a weakness. While social proof offers a shortcut for determining correct behavior, at the same time it makes us vulnerable to those who would exploit it for profit.

Our tendency to see an action more appropriate if others are doing it is exploited in a number of settings. Bartenders often “prime” their tip jars with a few dollars bills to give the impression of tips left by previous customers. Church ushers do the same with their collection baskets. Evangelical preachers are known to seed their audience with co-conspirators who are rehearsed to come at a specific time to give witness and donations. In one interesting experiment, several researchers infiltrated crusader Billy Graham’s organization and reported on such preparation. “By the time Graham arrives in town and makes his altar call, an army of six thousand wait with instructions on when to come forward to create the impression of a spontaneous mass outpouring.”

Advertisers love to tell us their product is the “fastest-growing” or “largest-selling” because they don’t have to convince us directly about the worth of their product.

However, principles of influence and persuasion work best under certain conditions. Social proof works best at a time of uncertainty, when we are unsure of ourselves, when the situation is unclear. It is during these times that we rely more on others and see their reactions as correct. But in relying on examining the reactions of others, we overlook one simple fact: that those people are probably looking for social evidence also. This phenomenon helps to explain what has been called a national disgrace: the failure of entire groups of bystanders to aid victims in excruciating need of help.

Nowhere is this better illustrated as in the case of the murder Catherine Genovese in March 1964. The details of Ms. Genovese’s death are gruesome and beg an explanation. Catherine Genovese had not experienced a quick, muted death. It had been a long, loud, tortured, public event. Her assailant had chased and attacked her in the street three times over a thirty-five minute period before his knife finally silenced her cries for help. Unbelievably, thirty-eight of her neighbors watched the events of her death unfold from the safety of their apartment windows without so much as lifting a finger to call the police.

The series of stories that arose from this incident shocked a nation. Eventually, the horrific slaying of Catherine Genovese would come to symbolize both an uncaring an apathetic New York City and our society in general. How could thirty-eight “good people” fail to act under those circumstances? No one could understand it. Even the witnesses themselves were confused. “I don’t know,” they answered. “I just don’t know.” A few offered weak excuses, explaining that they were “afraid” or “did not want to get involved.” But these reasons don’t stand scrutiny. An anonymous call could have saved Catherine Genovese without putting the witness in danger. It wasn’t fear or apathy that was at work, there was something else going on that even they could not understand.

But confusion doesn’t sell newspapers or TV commercial time, so the media emphasized the only explanation available at the time: the witnesses, no different from many of us, hadn’t cared enough to get involved. We had become a nation of selfish insensitive people. Modern life, especially life in New York City, had hardened us. We were becoming “The Cold Society,” unfeeling, and indifferent to the suffering of others.

The Genovese story grew. In addition to a book by Rosenthal, it also became the focus of numerous newspaper and magazine articles, several TV documentaries, and even an Off-Broadway play. It also attracted the interest of two new York-based social psychologists, Bibb Latane and John Darley and they came up with the most unlikely explanation of all -- it was that thirty-eight witnesses were present. In contrast to earlier reports emphasizing that no action was taken, even though thirty-eight witnesses had looked on, Latane and Darley suggested that no one had helped precisely because there were so many observers.

They offered two interesting reasons for why a bystander would not respond to an emergency when there are other bystanders present. The first reason is fairly intuitive. With several potential helpers around, the personal responsibility of each individual is lessened: “Perhaps someone else will give a call for help, perhaps someone already has.” So with everyone thinking someone else will help, no one does.

The second reason is more interesting, it is founded on the principle of social proof. Very often an emergency is not obviously an emergency. Is the man laying in the alley a heart-attack victim or a drunk sleeping it off? Are the sharp sounds from the street gunshots or a truck backfiring? Is the argument next door an assault needing a call to the police or an especially loud marital spat where intervention would be inappropriate and uncalled for? What is going on?

In times of uncertainty, the natural tendency is to look around at the actions of others for cues for appropriate behavior. We try to surmise, from the reactions of others whether the event is an emergency. What is easy to forget is that everybody else observing the event is likely to be looking for social proof too. Therefore, everybody is likely to see everyone else looking unruffled and failing to act. By the principle of social proof, the event will be interpreted as a nonemergency. This state of collective nonaction, called pluralistic ignorance by social psychologists, is a state “in which each person decides that since nobody is concerned, nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, the danger may be mounting to the point where a single individual, influenced by the seeming calm of others, would react.”

The upshot of Latane’s and Darly’s research is that someone in need of aid stands a better chance of survival if a single bystander, rather than a crowd, is present. To test this unusual supposition, Darley, Latane, and some of their students performed a series of research that produced clear findings. The basic set up was to stage emergency events that were observed either by a single individual or by a group of people. They then recorded the number of times the emergency victim received help.

In the first experiment, a New York college student who appeared to be having an epileptic seizure received help 85 per cent of the time when there was a single bystander present but only 31 per cent of the time with five bystanders present.

After more than decades of subsequent research the overly simplistic argument that ours is “The cold society” where no one cares for suffering others is difficult to maintain -- at least if you’re an intelligent person.

First, once witnesses are convinced that emergency exists, aid is very likely. Under these conditions, the numbers of bystanders who either get involved or call for help is clearly very high. The situation becomes different when, as in many cases, bystanders cannot be sure that the event they are witnessing is an emergency. The fact is that the same circumstances that reduce the chances of aid exist in city life. However, it doesn’t follow that we have become a nation of callous, unfeeling people.

Love,

Eddie

Monday Madness [Emotional Healing]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Well it’s back to work for yours truly. I took a two-week vacation in which I did… nothing. Yup, that’s right, I did nothing. Do you know hard it is to do nothing? I mean, it’s, like, a sin or against the law to do nothing in America. People would ask and when I informed them that I was doing nothing, they would look at me as if I’d just developed a third eye and immediately offer “solutions” to my “predicament.” Some people actually looked resentful that I had the audacity to do nothing – or at least admit that I was doing nothing. People: don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

SMDH

I think we all should do nothing more often.

Today’s art work, titled Emotional Healing Reprise, is by James D. Lewis (click here to visit his website).

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-=[ Emotional Healing ]=-
“We must take care not to make intellect our god. It has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. It cannot rule, only serve.”
-- Albert Einstein

Emotions get a bad rap in our culture, but without emotions, life would have no meaning. In fact, without emotions we would’ve ceased to exist as a species a long time ago. Emotions give direction to our thoughts and are integral to our decision-making process. Furthermore, without love, beauty, justice, truth, dignity, honor and the great satisfactions each of these provide, what worth would life hold?

These experiences, and the emotions that drive them, gives us our direction. They compel us toward more love, more beauty, more justice, and to distance our selves from their opposites. Without emotions, we lose our ground of being – our fundamental bearings – and we cannot make choices that truly reflect what matters most to us.

People with serious mental illness lose this ability. Like, Emilia, for example, a young woman who came to my office one day. Part of my training involves listening at a level most people are unfamiliar with. One of the things I look for is an individual’s ability to stay “on task” – to demonstrate some measure of focus. Initially, she seemed quite normal, though she had problems making eye contact. For the sake of brevity, I’ll just say that Emilia eventually attempted to stab me with a letter opener. Luckily, I was paying attention and realized, after a while, that she seemed to be listening to voices. I also noticed she was taking quick glances at a cup on my desk that held the letter opener and scissors.

As the realization that I was with a disturbed individual dawned on me, I went to take the cup out of reach as subtly as possible. That’s when she lunged for the letter opener. I was able to wrest the cup for her grasp, but it was a harrowing experience nonetheless.

I was able to get Emilia some help, but the next time I saw her, there was no life in her eyes. And it was sad to watch her. While the antipsychotic medicine helped take away the voices and hallucinations, she seemed more like a zombie than the vibrant, intelligent young woman her family remembered. And that’s the whole thing: no emotion, no life. Today, there are antipsychotic medications whose side effects are less disturbing, but side effects are always a concern. We just don’t know enough about the way the mind/ brain works.

On the other hand, emotional over indulgence does not make for skillful living. Emotions must be tempered by the rational analysis that the cognitive brain provides. Otherwise, rash decisions made in the heat of the moment can adversely affect our relationships with others. I’m willing to bet that many of you reading this have probably had children off a feeling. LOL

Emotions without focus, thoughtfulness, and planning leave us at the mercy of the vicissitudes – the random ups and downs -- of life. If we are incapable of controlling our existence, life loses meaning too.

Your life is unique – every life is unique. It is also true that every life is difficult. Too often I hear people comment that if only they had more money, were better looking, or were more talented, that they would then be happy. By becoming someone else, they seem to be saying, they would not have to face their obstacles and problems – and that is true. But they would have other problems – theirs!

I say, if you’re not happy now, then you’ll never be happy no matter what. You will always have something to bitch about; something will always bother you, or stop you from your happiness. You will always say…

If only…

Marilyn Monroe was perhaps considered the sexiest, most famous, and most desired of all women of her generation. Yet, she could never escape a deeply embedded sense of loneliness which she drowned in alcohol. Eventually, she would die of an overdose of barbiturates. Jimi Hendrix became a superstar and changed the very way the guitar was played and no one today can pick up a guitar without being influenced by his playing. He too died from an overdose of drugs. One of my favorite writers, Earnest Hemingway, won a Nobel Prize and led a life full of adventure and excitement and yet that didn’t stop him from putting a gun to head and pulling the trigger.

Neither talent, nor glory, power, money, nor the adulation of men and women can make the essence of life easier.

Still, there are people who seem to live in harmony. Most often they have a feeling that life is generous. They are able to enjoy the people around them and the mundane everyday pleasures: meals, sleep, projects, and relationships. They don’t belong to a cult or a specific religion. Some are rich, some are not. Some are married, others live alone. Some possess extraordinary talents, others are quite ordinary. They all have experienced failures, disappointments, and dark moments. Nobody – nobody – escapes from hardships.

However, overall, these people seem better equipped to overcome obstacles. They seem to have a special ability to get through misfortune, to give meaning to their lives, as if they had a closer relationship to their lives, with others, and with what they have chosen to do with their existence.

I believe that we all can learn to live in this way – to live in harmony with our environment and our internal values. My experience has shown me that we can learn to heal ourselves, that there is a vast reservoir of healing energy within all of us. I also believe that this healing power is within our grasp and that it lies in learning to harness the power of our emotions.

Love,

Eddie

Beyond Help Series, pt. III

¡Hola! Everybody,
It's amazing the turn-out I observed yesterday here in The City. people were coming out in droves. especially noticeable were young people from all demographics. This is good.

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-=[ Beyond Help, pt. III ]=-

“We all know sometimes life’s hates and troubles/ Can make you wish you were born in another time and space/ But you can bet you life times that and twice its double/ That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed/ so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it/ You’re not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell/ Change your words into truth and then change that truth into love/ And maybe our children’s grandchildren/ And their great-great grandchildren will tell”
-- Stevie Wonder, As

It’s the beginning of February and most of the people who made New Years resolutions have stopped trying completely.

Let’s start from a different assumption today. To live is to know suffering. Let’s drop for the moment the assumption that left to their own devices, normal human beings are happy and that it's only the "abnormals" that experience disruption of peace. Let’s assume instead that suffering is normal and it is the rare person who learns how to create peace of mind. If you’re wondering why this is so, the following is an attempt to uncover this puzzle.

First let's think of how many problems human beings have that non human beings can’t even imagine. Consider suicide. It occurs in every human population, and serious struggles with suicide are shocking in their persistence. Throughout your lifetime, you have about a fifty-fifty chance of struggling with suicidal thoughts at some level for at least two weeks. Almost 100 percent of all the people on the planet will at some point in their life contemplate killing themselves. Even very young, newly verbal childre3n occasionally do. Yet we have very little reason to believe that any nonhuman animals deliberately kill themselves.

That basic behavior pattern repeats itself in problem area after problem area. The fact is that most human beings struggle, even in the midst of seemingly successful lives. If you doubt me, ask yourself this question: How many people do you know really well who don’t experience periods in which they struggle with serious psychological or social problems, relationship issues, problems at work, anxiety, depression, anger, self control issues, sexual problems, fear of death, etc.? If you’re like most people, a list of such acquaintances will probably empty.

Research into the scientific data on human problems confirms this assumption. Let me throw out a few random facts. About 30 percent of all adults have a major psychiatric disorder at any given point in time, about 50 percent will have such a disorder at some point in their lives, and nearly 8o percent of these will have more than one serious psychological problem. Americans spend huge sums of money in their efforts to alleviate psychological pain.

For example, even though their impact on depression is only 20 percent better than a placebo (too small to be clinically significant), antidepressants are a ten-billion dollar industry . It’s shocking but our consumption of antidepressants is so high that our rivers and streams have become polluted with them, contaminating the fish we eat (Streater, 2003). But even these statistic, sad as they appear, underestimate the extent of the problem. When people are given open access to mental health care, only about half of those who seek help are diagnosed with a serious mental-health disorder. The other half are having problems at work, or in their marriages, or with their children, or they suffer from a lack of purpose in their lives, what philosophers call “existential angst,” a strong persistent feeling of apprehension and anxiety.

Marriages, probably the most important voluntary adult relationship most humans enter into, yet about 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce and remarriages (who says people aren’t optimistic? LOL) are no better. The statistics on fidelity, abuse, and marital unhappiness show that the majority of marriages that do stay intact are based on unhealthy relationships.

I could go for a long time – easily. Suffice it to say that by the time that all of the major behavioral problems human beings face are added together, the fact is that it is “abnormal” not to experience significant psychological struggles.

Thought you were unique, huh? Nope!

And yet, how can this be? I guess we all heard the admonition to eat all our food because some poor child was starving In Africa. We could probably empathize with such a child experiencing horrendous conditions. But for most of us reading this, war, hunger, and deprivation is not a fact of life. Yet, in many areas, people who are more fortunate, intelligent, and capable are not necessarily happier than their less fortunate counterparts in other parts of the world. People who live in countries that have abundance are not necessarily happier than those living in less affluent societies. Again, how can this be?

Apply this question to your own life. Isn’t it true that the things you are struggling with and trying to change tend to persist, even though you’re competent in other areas of your life? Isn’t it true that you’ve tried to solve your problems, but have yet to come to find a real solution?

Indeed, I’m willing to bet that you may have already tried many solutions, and yet here you are where you started.

I’m asking you to keep these questions in mind as you read my rants. Why is human suffering so endemic, why is yours so difficult to change, and what can you do about it? Many o my posts explore these questions in detail. I think I can help some arrive to their own answers.

I’m not asking these questions from an arrogant or critical stance. I’m not going to blame you for your troubles, sending the message that your life would be fine if only you tried harder and got your shit together. That’s bullshit. You would be surprised how many people like to hear that shit. Moreover, you know why people like to hear that shit? Because they’re already beating up on themselves, that’s part of the reason why suffering persists. I’m coming from a perspective of compassion and identification; what you read hear comes from my own struggles and those of the people I work with. These questions are those I’ve asked myself, sometimes from the depths of despair. I believe that there is a way that provides an answer; and it is one that can be directly helpful to you.

Love,

Eddie

References:

Streater, S. (2003, October 17). Drug found in fish stir area concerns. Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

Feelings, pt. III

¡Hola! Everybody...

I would like to take a moment to recognize Jennifer’s (complicatedadventure) daughter Amber. Amber took on the establishment at her school and questioned the constitutionality of the school’s policy regarding movement during the pledge of allegiance. Last night, the school district realized the error of its ways and agreed to amend the wording to this policy. Now, whether you agree with Amber or not, I don’t give a shit. The important part is that she got involved and she made a difference. I’m really proud of Amber and Jennifer deserves major props too for encouraging this kind of spirit in her daughter. Go Grrrrrls! Stop by and recognize Amber and Jennifer for their independent thinking (click here)

Today’s blog photo is from The Great Cosmic Happy-Ass Card Company. I love their shit! Check them out (click here)

I promise! After today no more about feelings! LOL!

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-=[ Feelings, pt. III: Feelings as Children ]=-

“It’s scary as hell to make our self be known, the parts that are unlovable, the parts we don’t love, that no one else will love, that are just too messy, that are unworthy. Yet we’re dying inside to be completely loved and received and forgiven.”
-- Jennifer Garcia

Recap time, girls and boys! First, I tried to explain how feelings are different from emotions (click here). Feelings are rooted in the body, waves of energy that we actually experience. Emotions are the stories we attach to these waves: “I am angry,” “She makes me sad,” etc. So, there was this discussion around feelings and emotions and what happens if we practice experiencing the waves as they are, rather than attaching the stories (what I called our personal novelas – soap operas). Finally I discussed what that does to feelings – how being fully present with the feelings acts as a liberating force from the drama of our lives. I consider this something of a miracle, an awakening (click here).

There is another awakening, or miracle: the realization that our feelings are our children. Like real children, some are well behaved: clean, polite, and socially acceptable. Others are little monsters – little diablitos! What happens is we tend to nurture the children we like, give them food, dress them really nice, and pose them so that our neighbors could see them.

The ones we don’t like, we push out into the yard, into the doghouse, with no nourishment and barely dressed to protect against the elements – in the cold. Every once in a while, we might see them, their dirty and hungry faces pressed against the windows, the beginnings of malicious intent in their haunted eyes. Sometimes there is a mutiny and a few of them break in through the windows. Or, we might let a pleasant feeling out to play and a few of the juvenile delinquent feelings rush in uninvited. Our abandoned feelings haunt our dreams and sometimes make horrible noises in the night. One thing is for sure: they will completely sabotage our every attempt to look good to the neighbors.

This is true no matter how hard you fight: the more fences and barbed wire you erect, the more they will plan schemes to disrupt your cozy little life.

Once we begin to settle into who we really are (awakening to our true selves), into our natural state, we are no longer threatened by our feelings and we slowly begin to invite our abandoned children back inside. This is a slow, gradual process, as you open the door of your heart to your exiled children, one by one.

Invite Grief inside and eventually, you are sitting down to dinner with Anger. Having a “Blockbuster Night,” enjoying yourselves. “I’m sorry,” you say. “This was a misunderstanding. I realize now you are my child. I gave birth to you. Come inside, sit by the fire, and have something to eat, mijito. Look! Your bed is right over there and you can stay here.” Initially, your abandoned, bleary-eyed children will not believe what’s going on. Hey! They might even be a little bit teed off, burning holes in the couch and insulting people on the phone.

They will need reassurance: you tell them that they can stay forever, as long as they want. We might say to our anger, “I’m sorry I pushed you away, and I’m really sorry that my father did before me, and my grandfather before that. I’m sorry my entire culture has made you feel that you don’t belong. But now, you are welcome, come on in.”

As soon as you welcome the banished, they are transformed. This is a lesson almost any parent learns. I learned it with my own son. It seemed that whenever I was busy with work, or on the phone, as a young boy my son would suddenly decide he wanted me to get him something or to play with him. If I pushed him away, he would become more demanding. But then I learned that if brought him close to me, his seemingly all-consuming need would quickly disappear. His real longing was for attention, and once that need was fulfilled, all else receded to the background.

And so it is with feelings: when we are fully present with them as they arise, and draw them close to us when they seek our attention, their agenda is upset, and the cycle of drama is upended. Here’s an even better recap on this series on feelings:

Feelings arise

They are embraced

They pass again…

… and we are free o be spacious and empty, and to be available to life and connected to the world.

Evolving people embrace this process over and over again. It is an awakening and it is our birthright as human beings. The miracle is this: by welcoming feelings, we can transform them. For example, Anger, when welcomed home, embraced, given a good meal, and clean clothes, becomes authority and power. Sexual desire, when all moral charges are dropped and the fingers of accusation have stopped wagging, becomes our basic life energy, our chi. Having a friendly relationship with grief lets us uncover our depth, the depths of our true selves. Fear reveals excitement and energy, boredom uncovers our desire for meaning. By consciously dropping the “personal novela” -- dropping the drama and returning to pure feeling -- we begin to discover a great truth: there is no such thing as negative energy. Even the most unwelcome emotional tsunamis, that have been incarcerated and abandoned for lifetimes, which seem capable of destroying us and other people, are transformed into something divine that are accepted and given as gifts.

Let me use anger as an example. At first, I was a little hesitant to let anger out of its cage. I was afraid of what might happen. But this was when I was confusing feeling with reactivity. Anger thrown onto another person without first being deeply felt (embraced) can have disastrous consequences. I learned, with practice, to breathe deeply into the belly and allow it to be just as it is, trusting the knowledge that I can experiment with my Anger, a little bit at a time. Once I felt the raw, savage beauty of anger, I felt a deeper connection to the earth; my body opened and came to life. I learned and experienced that I could feel my anger again and again, each time more deeply. The more I allowed it the deeper the anger took me into myself. Now it can be given as a gift to others and myself. The gift of authority, of waking up, of integrity, speaking truth to power in the face of social injustice.

When Anger is felt and given, free of resistance, it can be received by others as a gift – a blessing.

When I can experience Anger in this way, I am truly conscious when I am teed off. There’s no “personal novela.” It happens BAM!, and then it’s finished, and then I’m back. I give myself permission to get pissed, I ride that wave of anger and then it becomes a gift for whomever I’m pissed with. Once we become willing to disengage the feeling from the drama, there is an immediate liberation. Without a story, whether that story be of victimhood or a wound, there is nothing left to defend, nothing to resist, and we are liberated from the addictive bitterness or niceness as a cure to all that we have repressed.

Genuine love can be ferocious, it can be deeply honest, and it can be a gift in a million different flavors.

When we feel fully, and free ourselves from the shadows of our past, every feeling fully felt, without resistance and freely given, then we express true love. Anything else is just so much cotton candy – sugared air, insubstantial.

I hope you have found something useful in these three different posts on feelings. My hope is that it may have somehow touched something within, motivating you to question the everyday, unthinking, manner we are conditioned to respond to feelings. If we become like an ocean, then a tsunami is merely a ripple on the surface of things. If we stubbornly choose to remain stuck to a narrowly defined sense of ourselves (the ego-driven mini me), then our emotional lives will be forever doomed to resemble natural catastrophes.

Love,

Eddie