Sunday Sermon [The Three Questions]

¡Hola! Everybody,
Story time!

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-=[ The Three Questions ]=-

It’s amazing how sometimes I’m reminded of something I’ve read or heard and might have forgotten. The following is adapted from a collection of short stories written by Leo (War and Peace) Tolstoy.

Back in the day, there lived an emperor who searched for a philosophy of life. He realized he needed wisdom to guide him and how he ruled. None of the religions and philosophies of the time satisfied him, so he searched for a philosophy that was rooted in the experience of life.

After much thought, he came to the realization that he required answers to only three basic questions. With the answers to those three questions, he concluded, he would have all the guidance he needed. The three questions were as follows:

When is the most important time?

Who is the most important person?

What is the most important thing to do?

His quest led to a long search which takes up most of the original story, but eventually he finds the three answers when he encounters a hermit. What do you think the answers are? Look at the questions again, and pause before you read on…

We all know the answer to the first question, but it’s so obvious that oftentimes we forget it all the time. The most important time is now, of course. It’s the only time we have. Even in love, the only time we have is now. Love in the past is a memory and love in the future is a mere fantasy. We can only love in the now. If you want to tell a loved one how much you really love them, you should do it now. Not tomorrow. Not in five minutes. Now. Five minutes may be too late. If you need to make amends, don’t start thinking about all the reasons why you shouldn’t, or dwell on self-righteousness, or concoct reasons why you shouldn’t. Just do it now. The opportunity may not come again and you’ll be whining about how you didn’t seize the moment when you had the chance.

The answer to the second question is a little harder and profound. Very few people get this one right. When I first read the answer, it blew me away. The answer rips through the question in a way I never understood or imagined. The answer is that the most important person is the one you’re with.

My work involves listening to people deeply. It entails me being present in a way that’s sometimes exhausting because I’m listening on levels hardly ever utilized. In order for me to be able to listen in this manner, I have to have complete unconditional regard for the person. Listening, believe it or not, is a powerful healing mechanism. Have you ever been with someone who gave you their total attention? Do you remember how that feels?

Communication and love can only be shared with the person you are with, no matter who they are. The person you are with is the most important person in the world. People can feel that kind of attention. They respond.

The most common complaint among married couples is that they feel their partner doesn’t really listen to them. In a way, what that means is that they feel that their partner doesn’t make them feel valued anymore. If people actually were present with their loved ones, divorce lawyers would become a dying breed.

Most of the time in your life, you are by yourself. Then, the most important person, the one you are with, is you!

The answer to the emperor’s last question, “What is the most important thing to do?” is care. To care means bringing together being careful and caring. What does it mean to care?

Well, for me to care means compassion. If compassion can be represented by a dove (as it often is), then the wings of the dove are wisdom. Without wisdom compassion cannot ever soar. I always find it funny that in the Buddhist tradition, they differentiate between compassion and stupid compassion. To illustrate, I’ll share another story I heard at a retreat once. A woman had spent three months a loving-kindness retreat. Metta, a form of loving-kindness mediation intended to opening the heart, is very intense and liberating. Well shortly after leaving the retreat, this woman was attacked by a man in a dark alleyway. Luckily, her screams were heard by passerby who came to her rescue.

The incident really shook her and she wondered about all that loving-kindness practice. She went to her teacher and related the incident to her, hoping to get some guidance. Her teacher asked her, “weren’t you carrying an umbrella?” (the incident occurred during the monsoon season). The woman responded that yes she was carrying an umbrella. Her teacher smiled and told her, “Then you should’ve taken your umbrella, and with all the compassion in your heart, hit your assailant over the head repeatedly.”

That’s wise compassion and maybe that’s what’s meant by saying that the most import thing to do, right now, this very moment, is to care.

When is the most important moment? Now

Who is the most important person? The person you are with.

What is the most important thing to do? To care.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

The Real New York Series [The Bird Lady of Union Square Park]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Click here to read my submission this week for Subversify, an online magazine offering an alternative, subversive perspective to mainstream media, starts...

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-=[ The Offering/ La Ofrenda ]=-

What you think you are is a belief to be undone.

This is part of my non-official, Real New York series.

What is the real New York? It’s all real, actually. But the real question here is: where does one get the genuine stink of authenticity, where does one find the essential essence of The City? Of course, the answer depends on who you are. Perhaps the real New York is the attractive alcoholic woman, obviously going downhill fast, who stands by the entrance to my subway stop some mornings asking for spare change -- and who flirts with me (“Damn, you look hawt today, papi!”) whether or not I give her a dollar. Sometimes weeks roll by and she’s nowhere to be seen and I wonder. Then one morning, she’s there again, asking for change, that undeniable intelligence in her eyes, her fading beauty still there, a tattered paperback peering out of the plastic Chanel bag that serves as her purse.

Or perhaps it's the bird lady of Union Square Park...

One day, a couple of years ago, I played hookie from work. It was one of those early spring days and though it started with rain, a recalcitrant sun eventually vied with obstinate clouds for control of the day. It was lunchtime in one of my favorite reading spots in The City in Union Square Park. There’s a life-sized statue of Gandhi there and people often put fresh cut flowers in its hands.

I have done this many times. I have several “power spots” throughout the city where I go read, observe, and contemplate, alone yet surrounded -- I like the feeling of stillness surrounded by frantic activity. On that day, no sooner than I had settled on a bench, a woman with long white, wild hair came shuffling toward me. I was hoping she wouldn’t sit next to me; I didn’t want to smell yet another homeless person (such is the way people become invisible). Perhaps reading me, she sat down rigidly across from me. I wanted to get back to my reading. But she stared at me intensely. Then slowly, reflectively, as if following some unknown anointment ritual, she emptied a bag of birdseed on her shoulders. It was a strange sight even for La Gran Manzana -- the capital of weirdness. I noticed how the seeds clung to her hair and clothes, pooled onto her lap, into the folds of her worn clothes, and scattered over her soiled sneakers. Then she leaned back and, after fixing me once more with that intense gaze, she stretched her arms and closed her eyes.

A brief moment passed and first one pigeon flew to her and then several more, and then a dozen or more. They congregated on her arms, pecking at the seeds and one another as they fed greedily. Soon the edges of her body were blurred in a flutter of wings. I sat there transfixed thinking this was an act of madness -- clearly this woman was crazy; it seemed as if the birds were devouring her. At the same time, the act took on an aura of magic. All the while she was disappearing into this chaotic mass of feathers, she was whispering an incantation in a language I couldn’t make out. I sat there hypnotized, my open book now forgotten.

I noticed that others were staring also. People glanced up from their paper bag lunches or reading their newspapers and gasped. Young mothers pushing strollers stopped and gawked. It was a gesture of such tremendous force that it took us out of our little protective shells, the cocoons of fearful lives, and we forgot ourselves for that brief moment. we were her audience -- witnesses to what I call her offering -- and we came together for that brief moment and we were connected somehow. It was as if her act served to break down the walls between us.

In a few minutes, the birds had their fill and one by one, flew away, and the woman calmly grabbed her bag and shuffled away.

Such was the power of her act that for hours afterward I felt as if in a dream and the streets of The City seemed to me new again.

And such is life in The City -- if we stay here long enough, we become immune and lose our sense of awe and forget even that we once possessed it. Then something happens to shatter the routine: a blizzard, or a blackout, even a terrorist act and for a few miraculous hours, we come together as our lives are upended and we notice each other’s presence and come into the awareness of the possibilities of human connection. Strangers reach out to one another; aid is offered without condition, hearts are opened. In a sense, this awareness, this presence, is a form of meditation in action.

I guess part of the reason I live here because the challenge of The City is to figure if this experience of openness can be cultivated and made to last.

My Name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization...

Sunday Sermon [La Ofrenda/ The Offering]

¡Hola! Everybody...
When I first wrote this, I had some responses along the lines of, "it was just some deranged lady... " And I guess, perception is an important consideration. However, being present (which is what this post is really about) is everything. Life is like the Lotto, you gotta be in it to win it...

* * *

-=[ The Offering/ La Ofrenda ]=-

What you think you are is a belief to be undone.

One day, a couple of years ago, I played hookie from work. It was one of those early spring days and though it started with rain, a jealous sun was attempting to break through obstinate clouds. It was lunchtime in one of my favorite reading spots in The City in Union Square Park. There’s a life-sized statue of Gandhi there and people often put fresh cut flowers in its hands.

I have done this many times. I have several “power spots” throughout the city where I go read, observe, and contemplate, alone yet surrounded -- stillness surrounded by frantic activity. On that day, no sooner than I had settled on a bench, a woman with long white, wild hair came shuffling toward me. I was hoping she wouldn’t sit next to me; I didn’t want to smell yet another homeless person (such is the way we make people invisible). Perhaps reading me, she sat down rigidly across from me. I wanted to get back to my reading. But she stared at me intensely. Then slowly, reflectively, as if following some unknown anointment ritual, she emptied a bag of birdseed on her shoulders. It was a strange sight even for La Gran Manzana -- the capital of woerdness. I noticed how the seeds clung to her hair and clothes, pooled onto her lap, into the folds of her worn clothes, and scattered over her soiled sneakers. Then she leaned back and, after fixing me once more with that intense gaze, she stretched her arms and closed her eyes.

A brief moment passed and first one pigeon flew to her and then several more, and then a dozen or more. They congregated on her arms, pecking at the seeds and one another in a feeding frenzy. Soon the edges of her body were blurred in a flutter of wings. I sat there transfixed thinking this was an act of madness -- clearly this woman was crazy; it seemed as if the birds were devouring her. At the same time, the act took on an air of magic. All the while she was disappearing into this chaotic mass of feathers, she was whispering an incantation in a language I couldn’t make out. I sat there hypnotized, my open book now forgotten.

I noticed that others were staring also. People glanced up from their paper bag lunches or reading their newspapers and gasped. Young mothers pushing strollers stopped and gawked. It was a gesture of such tremendous force that it took us out of our little protective shells, from the cocoons of fearful lives and we forgot ourselves for that brief moment. Her audience -- witnesses to what I call her offering -- came together for that brief time and we were connected somehow. It was as if her act served to break down the walls between us.

In a few minutes, the birds had their fill and one by one, flew away, and the woman calmly grabbed her bag and shuffled away.

Such was the power of her act that for hours afterward I felt as if in a dream and the streets of The City seemed to me new again.

And such is life in The City -- if we stay here long enough, we become immune and lose our sense of awe and forget even that we possessed it. Then something happens to shatter the routine: a blizzard, or a blackout, even a terrorist act and for a few miraculous hours, we come together as our lives are upended and we notice each other’s presence and come into the awareness of the possibilities of human connection. Strangers reach out to one another; aid is offered without condition, hearts are opened. In a sense, this awareness, this presence, is a form of meditation in action.

I guess part of the reason I live here because the challenge of The City is to figure if this experience of openness can be cultivated and made to last.

Love,

Eddie

Relationship Thursdays [Loving Consciously]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Yeah, where are all the neocons (and their black and brown co-dependents) now? Listening to hateful responses to the Haiti catastrophe on the right (thank you Rush Limpballs and Pat Robertson), I have to wonder if they have any capacity for shame...

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-=[ Conscious Loving ]=-

That which you are seeking already exists within you.

Today, a little fairytale, with a little twist...

I love tales of fantasy. One of the ways I sold my son on the pleasures of reading was to read with him Tolkien's "Hobbit," and the Ring Trilogy.

Fantastical stories can help to make our muddled world that much clearer: good and evil are often clearly defined; worlds can be created that question the way ours works.

Anyway, a few years ago I read an excellent book on love and relationships called "Mindful Loving," and the author, Henry Grayson, uses a King Arthur story to articulate unconditional, or "spiritual," love.

Sir Gawain, one of the Knights of the Round Table makes the sacrifice of marrying Ragnell -- a horrifyingly ugly woman -- in order to get information that will save King Arthur's life. On the wedding day, instead of celebration, there is a sense of mourning because King Arthur's “nene lindo,” the gallant knight Sir Gawain, is due to marry a grotesque hag.

The wedding night arrives and Sir Gawain waits in bed while Ragnell prepares herself for their first night together. Finally, Ragnell lies beside Gawain and says, “You have kept your promise and much more. All I ask of you is one kiss.”

[This is the part where everybody should go “ewwwwwww”]

Gawain, being that kind of person, leans over and kisses her, closing his eyes. When he opens them, he discovers he’s lying next to a beautiful woman! Startled, he jumps from the bed and kills her!

I’m kidding! That’s not how the story goes!

::clears throat::

Startled, he jumps from the bed and asks, “Who are you? And where is my wife? What kind of brujeria is this?” (Yes, Sir Gawain was a Nuyorican and switched language codes when excited.)

Ragnell looked Gawain in the eyes and said, “Gawain, I am your wife, Ragnell. It is time I tell you my story.”

Ragnell then tells Gawain el bochinche of how her evil stepbrother, Sir Gromer, was hatin' on her cause of her beauty and her not really feeling his authority and not following his commands. Because Gromer was such a hater, he went to his mother -- herself an evil bruja -- and turned her into one coyote-ugly looking biatche.

Ragnell paused and then told Gawain that there is a second part to this curse that she must share with him (don't you hate it when lovers pick to fess up in bed?). “Since you have treated me with love and not pity,” Ragnell said, “I am allowed to give you a choice. I can be a beautiful woman by day, so that all will admire me and consider you a lucky man, but then I would become ugly Ragnell by night, when we're fucking (oooops!) -- I mean -- lying together. Or else I could be ugly Ragnell by day only to become the beautiful woman you see before you at night. Which do you prefer?”

Without hesitation, Gawain answers her, “This should not be my choice but yours. You must choose for yourself. I will accept either decision as long as it's your will.”

With this response, the curse was lifted forever, and Ragnell could now be beautiful both day and night (but she still had bad breath -- kidding!).

The point of the story (aside from the fact that if I had been Sir Gawain, Ragnell would still be cursed) was that Sir Gawain's love was not concerned with personal needs; he saw beyond them and was concerned only with his partner's happiness and well-being. His ability to love unconditionally was what healed both of them and brought them both real joy.

Grayson says that this story captures the meaning of what he calls “empowering love,” the ability to love unconditionally. I agree that this kind of love should form the basis of a “spiritually-centered” marriage or relationship -- relationships not based on purely ego-driven needs.

I think we have lost the ability to view love as something from within, as opposed to outside, of us. In the same way, we have lost the ability to feel God (what I perceive as “pure love”) as something within us. Many think of God as the flat-earth Sky god far removed from our lives here on Earth.

When we think of love (or God) as separate from us, we unconsciously create an unquenchable thirst to seek love outside of ourselves. And believe me, this is what we are all searching for -- we wish to experince our selves as loved -- and yet we often deny it and push love away. Ironically, this keeps us in a state of seeking love.

Is this not the main motivation for our relationships? A quest to “find” love, secure it, and in the process ensure our happiness?

But how do we avoid the temptation of the narrow perspective of the ego and instead create a relationship based on unconditional love? I think some of the problems begin when we “fall in love.” But I won't get into that right now!

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [Self-Esteem]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Well, it’s back to the office tomorrow. There’s lots of work to be done this year. Who knows what might happen...

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-=[ The Naked City ]=-

There are 8 million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them.
-- The Naked City

Some of the following I am sure you will disagree with...

With the coming of the “new year” come renewed attempts to “fix” things, to start anew, with a fresh perspective, to leave all baggage behind. And with the new year come the voices of doubt, saying you will fail. And in a very real way, most people (about 3/4) will have quit their resolutions before the third week of this month.

Change -- it ain’t that easy. Well, it’s not even an issue of ease or hardship. I know most of you like it rough, but rough or hardship doesn’t translate to change. No, it’s about being smart, not how hard you can get or receive it, and most people like punishment.

One of the first questions I ask people, either individually or in groups is, “What do least like about yourself?” I’ve done this with literally thousands of people over more than a decade and here some of the responses:

• I’m stupid/ silly/ disorganized
• I’m boring/ dull/ predictable/ serious/ unmotivated/ ignorant
• I’m too shy/ afraid/ anxious/ fragile/ passive
• I’m fat/ ugly/ unfit/ lazy
• I’m selfish/ arrogant/ critical/ vain/
• I’m judgmental/ angry/ greedy/ aggressive/ obnoxious
• I’m an underachiever/ a procrastinator (<-- my fave)/ failure/ loser

That’s just a small sampling of the responses I usually get. The list is almost infinite. While we all have our personal dislikes, all these responses point to one basic theme: “I’m not good enough as I am and there is something wrong with me.” It’s a message our mind sends us repeatedly.

It doesn’t matter how hard we try or how much we achieve, our thinking self (what I call the “Mini Me”) will always find something to dislike, some way in which we’re lacking, incomplete, not good enough. Part of this comes from the way our brains evolved. The fight or flight response that helped our ancestors survive (the “don’t get killed!” trigger) by making them constantly compare themselves to other members of the clan, to ensure that they didn’t get rejected, or caught out there on Broadway all alone while a predator made a meal of them.

And this wiring served to constantly draw their attention to their weaknesses so they could improve upon them and in that way live longer. The problem arises when the thinking self’s tendency to point out ways in which we’re not good enough leads us to feel we’re inherently unsuccessful, unworthy, unlikable, inadequate, unlovable, or whatever version of self punishment you prefer. There’s a term for that and it’s called “low self-esteem.”

What is low self-esteem? It’s an opinion, an opinion you hold about who you are. High self-esteem is a positive opinion; low self-esteem is a negative one.

What matters here is that ultimately, self-esteem is really a thought constellation (bunch of thoughts) about whether or not you’re a “good person.” Here’s the really important fact: whatever your self-esteem, it is not a fact, it’s an opinion. That’s right, it’s not the truth. It is nothing more than a highly subjective judgment. You might, at this point be thinking that having a good opinion of yourself is highly important and necessary for success.

Well, not necessarily. Let’s consider the components of an opinion: it’s merely a story, nothing more than words. Secondly, it’s a judgment, not a factual description. So self-esteem is basically a judgment that our thinking self makes about us as a person. Suppose we decide that we want “high” self-esteem. How do we go about getting it? Normally what we tend to do is a lot of reasoning, justifying, and negotiating until, maybe, we convince our thinking self that we’re a good person. For example, we might use our good job performance, our healthy exercise or diet regimen, or our charity work as a way to convince our thinking self that we are a good person. And if we can pull that off, if we can really believe that story about being a good person, then we have “high” self-esteem.

The problem with this approach (and why I detest affirmations) is that you constantly have to justify this good opinion. You constantly have to challenge those “not good enough” stories. And all this takes a lot of time and psychic energy. In fact, it’s like playing a never ending game of chess. Imagine a chess game where the pieces are your own thoughts and feelings. On one side of the board, you have all your “bad” thoughts and feelings. On the other side, you have your good thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile there’s an ongoing war between them: the positive thoughts and feelings attacking the negative thoughts and feelings. We spend an enormous part of our lives caught up in this inner struggle. And it’s killing us because unlike a real game of chess, this game has a never-ending supply of pieces. One piece (thought/ feeling) gets knocked off, there are ten more to take its place.

A problem with positive affirmations is really quite simple. Positive attracts negative (and vice versa), it’s how our brain works. For example, tell your child not to drop a glass of water and guess what you’ve done to the child? You have consigned him to think about dropping the glass of water. In order to get rid of a negative, you first have to think about it. There’s a similar corollary with positive affirmations. Suppose you’re repeating things like, “I am a wonderful human being, full of love, strength and courage.” The problem with this approach is that no matter how often you say that shit to yourself you don’t really believe it, do you? Another problem with affirmations is regardless of whether you believe they’re “true,” it naturally attracts a negative response. In order for our minds to make sense of the world, it needs to have a reference point. In other words, in order to understand “night,” we must have a reference point “day,” to make sense of it. Opposites attract. Try the following:

Read each sentence slowly and try your hardest to believe it. As you do, try to notice what thoughts automatically pop into your head.

• I am a human being
• I am a worthwhile human being
• I am a lovable, worthwhile, human being
• I am a competent, lovable, worthwhile human being
• I am a perfect, competent, lovable, worthwhile human being

What happened as you tried to believe those thoughts? For most people, the more positive the thought, the more resistance they experience, with thoughts arising such as, “Yeah right!” “Who are you kidding?” Yes, some people do manage to identiofy with the affirmations and feel wonderful, but only temporarily. Soon the “chess game” will re-engage and the war will be back in full effect.

Now do the exercise with one more sentence:

I am a useless piece of garbage.

What happened that time? Most people will automatically produce a positive thought as a defensive response and say something like, “Now hold on a minute there, I’m not that bad of a person,” or, “No way can I believe that.” Again, some people will merge with that thought and feel miserable for a while.

This is a cycle of suffering my friends. The reality is that there an infinite number of attacks and counter attacks, but is this really how you want to spend your life? Fighting your own thoughts? Constantly trying to convince yourself you’re a good person? Continuing to justify your self worth?

Well, what about stopping the war?

You’re at the mercy of your thoughts and feelings. If your self-esteem is low, you feel miserable; if it is high, you feel wonderful, but you’re constantly struggling to maintain it. What would your life look like and feel and if you dropped the self-esteem game altogether? What if you let go of the habitual tendency to judge yourself as a person? Sure, your thinking self will continue to spew thoughts and judgments, but if you see them for what they are -- just words and not facts -- and let them go like passing clouds, you could gain some measure of sanity.

For example, you could observe as a response to a negative thought, you can acknowledge, “I’m having that thought that I’m not good enough, again,” thanking your mind for sharing and moving on.

You real self isn’t your thoughts. Your mind is like the open sky, your thoughts -- whether positive or negative -- are like passing clouds. Hoe does the concept of ending the chasing of the clouds, of staying instead with the Big Sky of your mind, sound. Perhaps you will be introduced to a larger picture. Maybe, just maybe, you might catch a glimpse of the possibility of living without the self-generated drama or war.

Love,

Eddie

Lifting the Veil

¡Hola! Everybody...
Not feeling well these past two days...

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-=[ Behind the Curtain ]=-

Information crashes against our eyes at the speed of light, slams onto our eardrums at the speed of sound, and courses through our mind/ body as fast as an electro-chemical signal can flash from one neuron to the next. How do we deal with this sensory onslaught without getting overwhelmed? By blocking out most of it, and putting the brakes on what little is left.

The brain freezes the world into separate mind moments, each containing a barely adequate amount of information, and then processes these one by one in a linear fashion. The result is a world compiled more or less by what’s “out there,” but mostly organized around the limitations of the machine constructing it. It’s as if the brain and its senses quickly take a series of snapshots, and then weave them together into a movie -- our stream of consciousness. The Buddhists have a pretty good way of describing this system: delusion.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, nor does it mean that we are stupid, it means that the mind/ body is designed (in a way) to distill or distort reality in a fundamental way. For one thing, this helped us survive as a species. If we were to take in the totality of reality, we would’ve long ago joined the ranks of extinct life forms.

First, creating this “shorthand” of reality allowed us to make decisions quickly (Do we fight, or do we run? Do we fuck it, or eat it?). Secondly, each mind moment creates an artificial center of stability out of a reality that constantly changing and almost impossible to capture. Like the rapid unfolding of the individual frames of a film, these mind moments give the illusion of movement. As the films plays, we create all kinds of stories about the way things are, filling in the blanks of discarded data with assumptions, projections, and aspirations. Taking this process as real, we go seek gratification and security to a level that the system cannot support. The inevitable disappointment is centered on the idea of “me,” who is both the one who wishes things were different than they are and the one who suffers when they are not. In other words, we are hardwired to misperceive reality by ignoring the impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and selflessness of it all.

There is another way we filter out information at any given moment. Most of what comes in to the system doesn’t even reach our consciousness but is relegated to our unconscious. This is because the precious resource of conscious awareness is used to carry on the important daily activities of living. Information, for our awareness, is on a need to know basis. Take the experience of learning a new task, such as learning to play a musical instrument. At first we have to “think” about it and consciously try to make our fingers go where they are supposed to go. Eventually, as the right connections are made between the brain and the muscles of the fingers and hand, the patterns disappear into our pre- and subconscious and, after a while, it feels as if we are playing automatically.

This is a very efficient process, and before long, most of what we do in our lives is accomplished without having to be very conscious about it. One would assume that this process would work to free our psychic energy to do some creative things, but this is often not the case. More often, our awareness is spent looking for ways to find pleasurable experiences and getting more of them, or it is used to bitch and moan about unpleasant experiences and finding ways to avoid or destroy them. We use our creative energy -- our conscious mind -- to find new ways of wishing things were different from what they are, and our unconscious mind is relegated to maintaining the habits we have accumulated previously. The Buddhists have a good way of describing this state of mind: suffering.

The best definition of meditation I have encountered is “learning to stop arguing against reality.” We spend much of our lives and mental energy in conflict with reality. Our unconscious has been conditioned by all kinds of unhealthy patterns and these patterns help guide our behavior. We are not aware of most of these and, ironically, the only way we can change what we are not aware of is by changing something else first. We may not be able to see the unconscious conditioning, but we can become aware of the suffering they cause. By training our awareness in a methodical way, we strengthen its ability to open to more of the information available to the senses in the present moment. Mindfulness meditation is the art and practice of being present with whatever is happening here and now: when it is strong, we are not stuck arguing with reality. With less liking and disliking, there is less stress coming from the narrowly defined sense of you that keeps you separate from the rest of the world. As the influence of your terminal uniqueness decreases, suffering deceases also.

We are always working with an imperfect model of reality. What makes the difference, however, is to understand the limitations of our constructed world. To see more clearly how our perception is being used in skillful and unskillful ways, and to use that awareness in the service of creating well-being for ourselves and the well-being of those around us. The Buddhists have a word for that too: they call it wisdom.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [The Full Catastrophe]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Americans work to damned hard! People? When you’re freakin’ dying, I guarantee you will not be overcome with regret for not spending more time at the office. I need to move to Europe or some shit like that...

* * *

-=[ The Full Catastrophe ]=-

Am I not a man? And is not a man stupid? I’m a man. So I married. Wife, children, house, everything. The full catastrophe.

-- Zorba the Greek

Those of you familiar with the author, Nikos Kazantzakis, are probably familiar with this quote. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR) Clinic named one of his best books on the subject of using Buddhist mindfulness meditation to address stress, “Full Catastrophe Living.”

It’s an interesting proposition: using all of life -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- as grist for the mill. I hear too many people talking about how they want to remove “negativity” from their lives. I question the notion to ignore/ remove at least 50% of your life. Actually, I’ve tried this and I’m here to tell you that living in a sensory deprivation environment (otherwise known as solitary confinement -- true story), is not all it’s geared to be.

I mean, I’m not saying we go out of our way to create or engage “negativity,” but why turn away from it? Why not use it? For those that garden, turning away from the perception of negativity is a lot like refusing to use manure, or compost to cultivate your garden. And what is negativity anyway? Sadly, negativity is oftentimes some shit or someone you don’t like. And no matter how much you try to turn away from negativity, everywhere you go, there you are -- with all your own negative baggage. If you perceive it as merely negative, whatever it is, then no amount of turning away will do away with negativity because you are creating the perception of negativity in the first place.

Check this out: every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal. That means negative situations too. No, it doesn’t mean it will all be pleasant and the sun will be shining all the fuckin time. What? Didn’t you get the memo?!! Santa Claus doesn’t exist and life is tough sometimes. Sorry to break it down in such a cold manner. LOL Honestly, I see a lot of unrealistic expectations from the adults of the world. It seems many of us actually believe spending our lives running from unpleasant feelings and clinging pleasant ones is a viable life strategy.

It isn’t...

People will disappoint you, the fates will conspire to fuck up your plans, your kids will sometimes never appreciate your sacrifices and not all women will allow me to screw them in the ass.

And??

Shit, I just watched the hot new Shakira video and I’m really upset the bitch got all freakin skinny! What happened to the really curvy Shakira?!! You can play the marimba on her fuckin ribs! I mean, she still gotta lil bootie, but she must not be hangin’ out with Latino/as because she would be force-fed in Columbia, Puerto Rico, or almost any other Latin American country! But all that is not going to ruin my day...

Shit happens and she doesn’t even answer my calls.

I’m not saying I should deny my feelings. I am actually saying we all should do the opposite: feel your feelings completely. Feel the full catastrophe of your life. What happens to anger, sadness, fear, hate, and envy, lust when you stop trying to categorize / analyze them and just fuckin feel them? What happens when you invite the negative as well as the positive and embrace both as a mother would embrace both a good and bad child? I’ll tell you what happens: you become free as you are healed and made whole.

All healing is essentially letting go of fear. Playing the run-around game based on your likes and dislikes is in reality fear-based living. Try it one day: stay with the hurt without giving in the compulsion to attach a story to it. What we often do is we substitute neurosis for suffering and that just makes it all a lot more painful. Add stress to pain and you have suffering. Let me break that down:

pain + stress = suffering.

I think that’s also a good formula for neurosis.

All healing is actually a release from the past. Now here’s where it gets a little tricky. People will rightfully point out that there is a process that leads to letting go, that leads to grief. The thing is this: how many times must you do the process before you start getting it without having to go through all the stages?

Suffering, my friends, is optional.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [The Witness]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Well... am I being too cynical if I express my deeply felt conviction that the real reason Sarah “I’m Proud to be a Dumb Twat” Palin resigned as governor is because a particularly nasty tape of her gargling gallons of Alaskan young male sperm has surfaced?

What? I’m just saying...

I mean, c’mon, was anyone else watching that obscenely awful press conference? The line “She fucked her brains out,” kept coming to kind. You know what’s really tragic? That such a sorry, utterly clueless, intellectually bereft specimen of humanity would be elected to any political office. SMH...

* * *

-=[ Witness ]=-

Today I’m going to try to offer something of practical value. After reading this, you’ll be able to use it (or not) and perhaps effect some change...

Too often external factors have such a huge impact on our lives. Someone steps on your toes, or looks at you in a certain way, or cuts you off on the highway, and that just sends you over the edge. Even something as simple (and beyond our control) as the weather affects our perception and how we feel. It’s all so random, it seems...

... Or is it? Hmmmmm....

Imagine, if you can, that you are mangled in a car accident. Your body is crushed amidst tangled, jagged metal and you are lying in a pool of blood.

Now, imagine sleeping in a large, comfortable bed. Switch back to being mangled in a car accident. The difference you feel is made from the same thoughts that create your personal suffering.

Confused? What does this mean? How do you discover the cause of your suffering and the source of genuine happiness? And, what the fuck does this have to do with being mangled and beds?

LOL! Bear with me and try the following and see if you get any answers:

Go between the two feelings: relaxed, lying in a big comfortable bed/ mangled, lying in a pool of blood. Picture each, feel both, then one and then the other. Mangled body. Soft bed.

Now, pay attention because this is the important part. Feel the “who” that can feel both images, and relax as that “who” now.

You -- the real you -- are this capacity to witness.

The images are merely objects for your attention. The true you is the awareness of being aware. Your genuine self is the feeling-awareness that notices the movement of attention between the images. I call this The Witness, others call it witness consciousness. Different spiritual traditions have different names for this awareness of awareness, but they all point to the same thing, regardless of the terminology.

You are the space where the pictures happen, where attention moves between a mangled body and a soft bed. The imagery changes but the feeling-awareness -- who you are -- always maintains this openness to feel. Awakening to your true self is being able to relax into this capacity to feel, whatever picture is happening now. If you can develop this awareness into a freedom to feel, no matter what is happening, you become free to act as love.

If you forget this openness of feeling even for a second, then you become trapped again. the inconsiderate driver, the discourteous interaction, the real and imagined insults, all will have power over you again. You will go around life renting this precious space to other people -- many who are strangers and insignificant. If you can learn to remember this essential openness, who you are, you begin to discover that love acts spontaneously, unfettered by the present picture of your life.

But don’t take my word for this. Discover what is true for yourself when you do this exercise. See if you change with the picture, or if you are this open awareness where the picture happens, the openness who feels what happens.

Test it now. Mangled body/ soft bed. The images have changed, but in what space does the light of your imagination shine? Is this feeling-awareness any different? Are you aware of your awareness?

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [The Now Moment]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Where’d the weekend go?!! LOL The weather here has been decidedly un-beach like. OTOH, it’s been a great weekend to walk the city, take in the sights.

I went to see Hancock this weekend and screw the critics: Will Smith owns The Fourth of July movie weekend, get used to it, live it, breathe it. Two things I didn’t like: 1) Why a black still can’t kiss a white woman on film (even when she's playu8ng his wife)? and, 2) while there’s a story element that was somewhat interesting, it wasn’t fully explored. However, it’s entertainment, people -- and great entertainment at that -- not rocket science. Yes, I liked Hancock, go see it, you’ll enjoy it.

* * *

-=[ If not Now, When? ]=-
You’re either busy living, or busy dying…

Stay tuned, a Now-Moment is coming to you…

There!

It just passed…

Missed it? Not to worry! Another Now Moment, brought to you by those wonderful folk at The Cosmos, will be arriving to your neck of the woods soon.

Right now and in every now-moment, you’re either living or dying – opening or closing. You’re either bitching about something, stressfully waiting for something – money, your soul mate, security, affection – or you’re living from deep in your heart, opening as the moment, giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting.

If you’re waiting for anything – whether it be to live in a different location, having a better job, more money, more hair, less hair, etc. – if you’re waiting for anything in order to live and love fully without holding back, then you are suffering. Some of you may not even know you’re suffering, but you are.

Deeply, tragically…

Check this out, I found it in a discarded and tattered book called The Instruction Manual:

Every moment is the most important moment of your life.

No future time is better than now to let down your hardened and embedded defense mechanisms and love. Everything you do right now causes ripples and affects everyone. For example, your posture can be an expression of your heart or proclamation of anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or cast a room into a shadow of gloom. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.

I have a simple equation – perhaps it’s too simple. For me love possesses a physical quality of openness, while it’s opposite, fear (from which hate springs), has the physical quality of contraction. In opening your heart, you live your life as a gift to all. In every moment, you’re either opening or closing. You’re either living or dying. Right now, what are you choosing? Are you choosing to open and give fully, or are you waiting? How does that choice feel?

How does it feel?

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon (Decisions)

¡Hola! Everybody,
Today is my friend Jools’ birthday. Always ready with a kind word, forever considerate, kind, and thoughtful, Jools is sometimes like the beautiful presence of nature that, if we’re not careful and conscious, we might take for granted. I never do, though I may not be as quick to respond, I truly appreciate her constant message of kindness. Stop by and wish her a happy (click here). I know she would appreciate it. May you always know true happiness, dear Jools…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOOLS!

Once I finish writing/ posting this, I think I’ll go have some French toast made Challah bread!

* * *

-=[ Decisions, Decisions ]=-

“A man had an itch on his ass.
He scratched his head.
The itch never went away. ”
-- Ajahn Chah

How much time do waste in our lives worrying about problems that really are beyond our control. But have you ever stopped to think a problem implies a solution. If there is no solution, then it isn’t a problem, it’s something else. Perhaps we can call such a predicament life? LOL For surely there sure is no “solution” to life. The way I see it life is a predicament meant to be lived not solved.

Still, there are problems with solutions and a problem with a solution needs a decision. The issue then is how do we go about making the important decisions in our life?

One way I see a lot is that we try to get someone else to make the decision for us. That way, if something hits the fan, we can blame someone else. One hot summer day, I was outside my friend’s apartment waiting for over 45 minutes for him to come down. Every Friday, a large group of us gets together after work and goes en masse to dinner and sometimes to party. There I was hot and sweaty, waiting yet again for my friend. He does this all the time, I thought to myself as I called and he assured me he was on his way down. I was starting to get pissed off and then it hit me! Why was I waiting? He wasn’t forcing me to wait; I was making that decision to wait. I walked away and I never waited for my friend again. Well, not really, sometimes I would wait for him, but more often than not, if he wasn’t on time, I went my merry way (with my friend usually running behind me).

Sometimes decisions aren’t so clear cut as with the situation with my friend. Sometimes when we come to a crossroad, we are unsure which direction to take. It is in those moments that the best strategy to adopt is to stop for a moment, take a break, and wait. Usually, when we are least expecting it, a sign will appear. Sometimes the sign is like a huge bus with big bold lettering indicating its direction. Other times, the signs are much more subtle. Whatever the case, there is always some form of guidance if we sit down long enough to listen for it. And some buses are for you to take, but if the destination doesn’t suit you, you wait for another one to come.

What I am saying is that when we have to make a decision and we are unsure, we need to take a break and wait. Sure, we are often faced with predicaments that scream for immediate action, but even then, if you can cultivate an inner quality of stillness, we will hear it when a solution comes.

That’s how I try to make my decisions. I try my best to gather all the information and when a good solution comes along, I grab it. And a good one always comes along, if I’m quiet enough. Patience is definitely one of my better qualities, but after having spent virtually all my adult life suffering the consequences of impulsive decisions, I think I have earned the right to slow down a wee bit. For a long time I suffered from a particularly virulent form of the “fuckits” and I have the scars to prove it.

Stopping, taking the time to breathe, applying skillful reflection, will often result in a good solution. Oftentimes, when you’re not thinking about it.

Love,

Eddie

Beyond Help Series (Mindfulness)

¡Hola! Everybody,
I called the laundry yesterday and apparently, the woman who mistakenly took my laundry has tired of sniffing my underwear and will return it today. The Laundromat is located about a 2-hour drive from where I’m living now, so I’ll have to wait to pick up all my underwear. And yes, I am wearing underwear today. I had to buy new undies last night.

Today is my friend Jackie’s birthday! Jackie is a sweet girl who always has something nice to say. Plus she’s got a nice ass too! LOL Don’t get on her bad side, though, cause she’ll rip ya a new one! But she’s really a nice person in the most essential meaning of that phrase. I’m glad to know her and call her a friend. Click here and wish her a happy. Jackie, you deserve the best and though I know you won’t be online today, I want to wish the happiest of birthdays.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE!

* * *

-=[ Mindfulness ]=-

Some of you may have noticed that I’m writing this series on Wednesdays. A lot of this helps me in clarifying my approach to mental health practice, but I think there’s something here for anyone interested in a non-traditional approach to better living. I started with the notion that suffering, contrary to the TV ads, is normal. I say that suffering is quite normal. In fact, to live is to know suffering to paraphrase a great human being who lived over 2,500 years ago. But I also differentiated between pain and suffering and that suffering is optional. I defined suffering in this way:

pain + stress = suffering

In other words, pain happens, it’s a fact of life, but it’s also a fact that what you bring to the situation dictates whether you will suffer. This is in actuality a profound realization. You have pain in your knee, for example, and what happens in your brain immediately? Your brain waves go crazy, neurons fire off all over the place, and everything around the pain area contracts. So on top of the very real pain in your knee, you’ve now added mental and physical contraction.

Suffering.

Secondly, I wrote of acceptance. The point being that if you stop running from painful experiences or attaching to pleasurable ones, you will find a profound serenity. Acceptance, in this context, doesn’t mean being passive, but using the realization that shit happens and being proactive about adapting to that shit instead of fighting the fucking war all the time. The War has taken a toll on your life. This ongoing war you have with reality has destroyed your self-esteem, made you miserable, and full of self-loathing. Yeah sure, you’ve built a fortress around your heart so no one can hurt you but you walk the desolate landscape looking for love in all the wrong people, places, and things. And in the end what has this war wrought? Numbness.

Suffering.

There are two more components, mindfulness, and commitment. Today I will go on a little on mindfulness, an ancient and much misunderstood term.

Basically, mindfulness is an ancient 2,500-year-old method of observing your experience. It has been practiced for centuries through various forms of meditation in the East. Recent western research has proven that practicing mindfulness has notable psychological benefits. In fact, it has been adopted to treat anxiety, depression, chronic pain, high blood pressure, and a host of other ailments.

My approach to psycho-spiritual work has a lot to do with mindfulness. However, I also bring modern western cognitive psychology in conjunction with mindfulness. My view is that eastern practices address higher level functioning, what some call the transpersonal, while Western psychology is devoted almost exclusively to ego development, or the personal. Using both approaches, one can address a wider range of issues in a more holistic manner.

My aim when working with people is to help them learn how to see their thoughts in a new way. Thoughts are like filters through which we see the world. We all have a tendency to cling to our particular way of seeing things and we allow it to dictate how we interpret our experiences, even to the point of dictating who we think we are. If you’re now stuck in the lens of your psychological pain, you may say things to yourself like, “I’m depressed,” or “I’m a loser, a failure.” I try to help people see the dangers of holding such thoughts and provide people with the tools that help them avoid those dangers.

As you free yourself from the illusions of language, you will begin to become more aware

server reboot, to be finished later!

Anger Myths: Venting

Hola Everybody,

Whew!

* * *

-=[ Practicing Hate ]=-

I wrote last week, listing five myths about anger. The first one, the belief that venting anger (“letting off steam”), is one of the most destructive. The idea that venting is necessary and helpful has become a cultural assumption. I believe it stems from a misconception from theories expressed by Freud and his followers.

The way the myth goes is that frustration can build up over time and that it must be released one way or another. Bottled up, unexpressed anger supposedly festers in your mind and body, creating both physical and emotional disease and poisoning relationships at work, play, and romance (Bry, 1976). The basic cure, then, is to express your anger, “letting it all out,” in order to cleanse and purify your mind and body (Janov, 1970). This so-called cleansing is sometimes called catharsis, which literally means “purging.” The assumption being that clearing the air results in healthier and happier communication and increases self-esteem.

If that were the case, then my family should be the healthiest family in the known universe. LOL!

After many years of research, the venting idea has been finally put to rest. Dead.

Blowing off steam is not beneficial. One of the most renowned researchers on anger, Carol Tavris, discovered that people most likely to vent their rage simply get more rather than less angry when they do so (Tavris, 1989). In addition, those on the receiving end of their outbursts get angry too. Perhaps you have noticed this in your own interactions. An angry outburst is followed by more anger and shouting, maybe even crying or violence, reaching a climax. Eventually this is followed by exhaustion and withdrawal and/ or an apology. I used to experience the aftermath of an anger event like an alcohol hangover: physical and emotional wreckage and remorse. Have you noticed how this cycle can be replayed repeatedly with no catharsis or decrease in the level of your anger?

Let anger out and it is met with more anger -- the simple law of cause and effect. It is also the exact definition of karma. Negative energy breeds more negative energy. Behavior such as yelling or even talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce anger, it is literally rehearsal for more of the same. Punching a pillow or a punching bag while thinking of someone you dislike or are angry with is rehearsing punching the person. By doing that you are creating more anger, more justification for your hate. There have been numerous studies showing that venting anger actually serves to “freeze” hostility. In other words, it serves to keep you stuck in the anger mindset or attitude (Tavris, 1989).

If you have the awareness, you would know from your own experiences that venting does not make hostile feelings go away. Instead, they tend to stick around longer and haunt you. The fact is that the popular assumption about the way to deal with anger, venting it by letting it all out, is worse than useless. Expressing anger does not reduce anger. It actually makes you angrier. Venting also serves to solidify an angry state of mind, escalates anger and aggression, and does nothing to help you resolve the situation. Furthermore, buying into the idea that letting it all out somehow purifies you is dangerous because it becomes a rationale to hurt others. You may have even done this yourself.

I know what you’re saying right now. You’re probably thinking back to the times where you felt relief after venting your anger. The kicker is that numerous studies have shown that such relief is not a function of venting your anger, but a learned reaction (Hokanson, 1970). Some people have learned to feel relief following the expression of anger just as others have learned to feel shame or increased compassion after venting. This learning involves making the mistake of falsely connecting acting out our anger and the calm that follows after the anger has passed. This is a false connection because the fact is that people would have felt calmer and better anyway after a while, even without acting out their anger.

::blank stare::

Yesterday, as I was heading toward the subway an older man brushed against me, gave me a dirty look, and told me to watch where I was walking. I wanted to tell that muthafucka to go fuck himself and a few other choice ideas, but what I said really threw him off his game. While he was in the process of shooting me the bird, I calmly, but firmly, suggested he seek therapy or sex and even offered to help him pay for it. It made everyone (including me) laugh and he actually looked foolish.

The good news is that you can learn new responses and change how you respond to angry feelings. From this perspective, responding to feelings of anger with angry actions becomes a choice rather than an inevitable self-fulfilling prophesy. Reacting impulsively (acting out) as a response to anger is not inevitable or something you need to keep doing.

Love,

Eddie

References

Bry, A. (1976). How to get angry without feeling guilty. New York: New American Library.

Hokanson, J. E. (1970). Psychophysiological evaluation of the catharsis hypothesis. In E. I. Megargee & J. E. Hokanson (Eds.), The dynamics of aggression New York: Harper & Row.

Janov, A. (1970). The primal scream. New York: Dell.

Tavris, C. (1989). Anger: The least understood emotion. New York: Touchstone.