Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

Everybody dance now

I like to dance, but only under certain circumstances. Most of those circumstances involve adult beverages. Many, many adult beverages. I’m not particularly good, but I hope my enthusiasm makes up for my utter lack of coordination or grace. But what I do like is to watch other people dance. It’s all of the sexy and none of the sweaty. Not that sweaty is necessarily bad. Hot. Sweaty. Sticky. Wait, where was I going with this? Right, dancing. As much as I love super sexy dancing (and, I do – see previous sweatiness tangent) I really love dorky dancing. You know, the spontaneous, out-of-context, exuberant kind that isn’t about being in da club (God, I hate the phrase “in da club”) or on a chorus line. It’s just about your body releasing. It’s about joy. Dancing, when done right, is an expression of joy. Our days can sometimes seem an endless series of mundane tasks and rote responsibilities. But, once in a while, we break free and let our limbs follow their own song.

Dorky dancers of the world, I salute you. Now, let’s get down with our bad selves.

Cast, Grey’s Anatomy

This makes me wish I watched this show more. And was friends with Cristina Yang.

Angela Chase, My So-Called Life

Angela’s “Blister in the Sun” dance is exactly how it feels to finally be over a breakup. Exactly.

Dana Fairbanks, The L Word

Dana Fairbanks will forever and always be the queen of dorky dancers. All hail the queen.

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

But, you’ve got to admit, Liz Lemon is at the very least a princess of dorky dancing.

Angie Harmon, Rizzoli & Isles

There is no better job in Hollywood than behind-the-scenes backup dancer to Angie Harmon. None.

Kat Graham & Candice Accola, The Vampire Diaries

Truth be told, this sort of workout is my total nightmare. I’m the person always jumping left when everyone else is jumping right. But I’m not above observing a class. Ahem.

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

This isn’t dorky. Just hot. Smoking hot.

So, any favorite dorky dancing TV moments to share? Don’t be shy. Nobody’s watching.

Just ship it

I’m not a superfan. No, wait. Lies. I’m a superfan of you-know-who. (Hint: Glasses. Bonus hint: It’s Tina Fey.) But I’m not a superfan in the sense of internet superfan fandom. Certainly, I am a fan of a lot of shows and a lot of characters and a lot of relationships (both real and imaginary). But I don’t have entire tumblrs dedicated exclusively to them or read/write femslash feverishly about them or join message boards to gab with strangers over them. I’m not disparaging such activities in the least – far from it. I find that level of devotion and inspiration amazing and one of the best things about the internet. It allows us to create and cultivate the communities we care about the most. It’s just that I come from a time when being a young fan meant begging your mom to buy the latest copy of Tiger Beat and then taping a poster of Michael J. Fox to your bedroom door while secretly starring at pictures of Jennifer Connelly from “Labyrinth” and wanting desperately to stroke her pretty, pretty hair.

So I am impressed and awed (and only occasionally frightened) by the fervor of online fandoms, particularly lesbian fandoms. When we invest, sweet Jesus and Mary, do we ever invest. So in the interest of sharing, I want to know yours. What’s your fandom? Now, I realize, you probably enjoy multiple fandoms simultaneously. This is the 21st Century and we’re all consenting adults – at least in our imaginations. But what is your No. 1, most-adored, most-obsessed about, most-likely-to-watch-YouTube-fanvids-until-3am lesbian fandom? Which lady ship – either canon or subtext – makes your heart race the fastest?

To get the conversation started, here are just a very few of the biggies – both past and present.

Tibette, “The L Word”The lesbian power couple, period.

Naomily, “Skins”I loved them from the first time I saw them; I think I was 12.
(Not really, but metaphorically.)

Calzona, “Grey’s Anatomy”Good women in a storm.

Rizzles, “Rizzoli & Isles”Where subtext meets chemistry and has a big, fat, gay baby.

Brittana, “Glee”BFFs forever, with benefits.

Xena/Gabrielle, “Xena Warrior Princess”They don’t even need a dumb portmanteau.

So, share. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. (Wait, is there a Princess Bride fandom?)

p.s. Dammit, I just realized this whole thing is a lie. I am a recovering Willow/Tara shipper with the Kitten Board T-shirt to prove it.

Getting Lippy

Hey, who wants to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? No one? Really? Fine. I’ll just go eat this crumpet in the corner with a spot of tea then. Weather’s been nice for this time of year. Turned a touch cold last night. Wait, what’s that? You do want to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? Well why didn’t you say so. I’ve been dying to discuss “The L Word with Better Accents” “Lip Service.” Let me just finish this tea first.

SPOILER ALERT: Talking about the show means talking about spoilers for the pilot episode. Also I’m also going to talk about some spoilers for the pilot episode of “The L Word” – you know, for all three of you who have never seen it.

First of all, stop comparing it to that other lesbian show. “Lip Service” is nothing like “The L Word.” “Lip Service” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Frankie. “The L Word” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Shane. Frankie takes pictures. Shane cuts hair. Different, not the same. Oh, shit. Didn’t Shane start taking pictures in, like, season six or something? Damn.

“Lip Service” is set in Glasgow, “The L Word” was set in Vancouver Los Angeles. LS starts out with three main gay ladies, TLW started out with six main gay ladies. LS began with a death, TLW ended with a death. LS took 1 minute and 25 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene, TLW took 10 minutes and 35 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene. LS has hot Scottish accents, TLW had hot Jennifer Beals arms.

All joking aside, the shows have very different tones (LS is a little more raw, TLW was a lot more glossy) and very different obvious initial story arcs (LS is about lost love, TLW was about self awakening). I would still advise all “Lip Service” actresses steer clear of any swimming pools, just in case.

The bigger question remains: How was it? It was good. I wouldn’t say I fell in love instantly, but I most definitely want a second date. And I can’t wait to get it naked. You know the biggest problem with “Lip Service” so far? No one is especially likable yet. Tess whines (though her robot love was adorkable), Cat furrows her brow while showing varying levels of concern and Frankie looks very Shane today. Granted, we are only one episode in. But one episode into “The L Word” I already loved Alice, adored Dana and wanted to be bossed around like a bad puppy by Bette.

I believe the rest of my feelings about “Lip Service” can be best expressed in screencaps. It was between that or interpretive dance. I think, for everyone’s sake, I made the right decision.

Meet Frankie
First Lesbian Sex
Why It’s Better to be British
Meet Tess
Meet Cat
Meet Her One Facial Expression
Yes, Really
But How Was It?
Bonus: Ship it.

God bless the BBC.

Kiss and make it better

I had a hell of a weekend. And, to be honest, I’m still recuperating a bit. But there’s one thing that always makes me feel better: Watching girls kissing. So instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour, like I had planned, to try and wake up refreshed and ready for the work week I spent hours engaged in perhaps the biggest time suck known to the universe: Searching for clips of girls kissing on YouTube. And because I’m not greedy, I’m passing my finds on to you. A few of the best TV kisses, just to brighten your Monday.

Callie & Arizona, Grey’s Anatomy

And the trend of lesbian bathroom kisses continues.

Dana & Lara, The L Word

Kisses against lockers…

Naomi & Emily, Skins

…are fucking hot.

Thelma & Cassie, Hex

So, fine, this was just a dream. A very, very good dream.

Alex & Jessica, Mistresses

I know this post is about kisses, but the hottest thing in this clip is the way Anna Torv unbuttons her shirt. There is something tremendously sexy about how she uses her hands, ahem.

p.s. Is it just me, or have the English just had better lesbian kisses on TV? Must be the accents.

That’s what friends are for

The one positive thing I can say that “The Real L Word” has done is make me miss “The L Word.” OK, not all of “The L Word” – definitely not the Death of Dana and the No Lifeguard on Duty parts. But the fun days. You know, back when they were all friends. And did silly things. And talked to one another like friends who did silly things. Like this.

Oh, Angela Robinson, please come make a lesbian TV series that has nothing to do with pumps or pants or clams or IFC. At its best, “The L Word” was about a group of friends who actually did all those things in that horrendous theme song that made our ears bleed. It was pure fiction, but could actually feel real. And sometimes, just sometimes, we even saw ourselves.

So in honor of the crazy Pride Weekend I just had (i.e. stringing coherent words together at this moment = hard), here are a few of my favorite friend moments from a show that spawned that other show that only makes me long for that first show even more.

Come back, Alice. Say funny things like “poopy-shit” and “uh-uh” and make us all want to be your best friend again.

Get Real

Speak of the devil. Mention “The L Word” and up pops Mama Chaiken.

In two quotes to emmys.com, Ilene Chaiken reminds us why her creations both enthrall and enrage. Talking with the magazine about her new spin-off reality series, “The Real L Word: Los Angeles,” which is expected to launch this summer. The show has been cast and already begun filming in all the gayest of nooks and crannies around LA.

So why did IFC want to create TRLW: LA?

“When The L Word ended, I received so much feedback from fans who wanted more and, really, the show could have gone on and on. Doing the reality show is a logical continuation of the storytelling and a fresh way to circle back to it seamlessly without taking a year off.”

And why will it succeed?

“There’s nothing else on television that tells these stories and continues to shatter stereotypes. We can delve into issues that we could only scratch the surface on in the scripted show.”

So, essentially, she thinks she has us by the short and curlies.

Now, call me dense (many have), but it seems to me you can delve into any and all issues on a scripted show because it is just that, scripted. You write it, you control what issues you talk about, you decide what issues get addressed. You, you, you. But on reality shows, the real people dictate what issues get touched upon, what issues they talk about, what issues they address. They, they, they.

There is no limit to creativity. There are limits to reality. They’re called facts. Crazy, I know.

As for the reality series as a “logical continuation of the storytelling,” I also beg to differ. But at least it’s more logical than sending Alice to prison.

Oh, Ilene. The thing is you know that we’re so starved for representation that anything larger than a crumb will feel like cake. But I fail to see how going to a genre known for hot tub hookups and barroom brawls will “shatter stereotypes.” Also, I claim 11 minutes in the “How Long Will it Take for a Cast Member to Get Naked” pool.

Though, that’s the only kind of pool I’d suggest in connection to the show. If Ilene puts a real one in it’s going to be an awfully short season, what with all the unexplained drownings and all.

My (and My Friends’) Decade Crushes

Well, kittens, another decade is almost in the books. My mind can’t quite wrap around the fact that it’s been 10 years since everyone was convinced the world would grind to a halt with Y2K. Heck, I bet some poor misguided souls are still working through their stockpiles of pork and beans. As with any milestone year, one tends to reflect. I’ll be on vacation through the end of the year (don’t worry, I’ll be posting Vacation Vixens to tide you over). But before I left I wanted to give you My Decade Crushes. Now, these aren’t just pretty ladies – granted, many are in very, very pretty indeed. But these are the entertainers and entertainment that personified everything I loved about these past ten years. They, quite simply, made my decade.

The aughts (now there’s a term I’m happy to say goodbye to) have been a decade of change, discovery and growth for me. I started this blog. I stopped getting a healthy amount of sleep. And I met and befriended a bunch of wonderful, generous and ridiculously talented ladies. Given the magnitude of this occasion, I thought I’d bring a couple along with me. My good friends, fellow AfterEllen.com bloggers and all-around amazing gals StuntDouble and The Linster were gracious enough to share their decade crushes with us as well. So please enjoy, and feel share your Decade Crushes with us as well. There’s a lot of crush-worthy material to cover in 10 years, we need all the help we can get.

StuntDouble

1. J.K. Rowling: I spent most of the last decade reading Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to buy Harry Potter, standing in line at midnight to watch Harry Potter, and proselytizing my faith in Harry Potter to anyone who would listen. But mostly my faith was in J.K. Rowling. She changed the color of the world. She's a magic-maker.

2. Harry Potter movies: Harry Potter movies are a different kind of magic than Harry Potter books. What the Potter franchise has managed to do in keeping an entire cast and crew of Britain's finest together for eight movies is unprecedented. Every actor that participated in the franchise seemed destined to become a witch or wizard. Alan Rickman as Snape? Dame Maggie Smith as Professor McGonogall? Emma Thompson as Professor Trelawney? Inspired, all of it.

[Lots of empty space, because I don't think anything deserves a place near Potter on a best of the decade list.]

3. Friends: The second half of Friends happened in this decade, and in it we got The One Where Everyone Finds Out (Phoebe: "My eyes! My eyes!"), The One in Vegas (Rachel: "Hello, Vegas? We need some more alcohol, and also some more beers."), The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (Melissa: "I don’t hear coconuts banging together. I don’t ... picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go."), and so much more. I've watched every episode at least ten times, except the finale. That one made me cry too much.

4. Pixar: Lots of people think Pixar's magic is in the animation; I think their magic is in the way they've learned how to tell a perfect story.

5. The West Wing: There were times during the Bush Administration when the only thing keeping me from actually losing my mind was watching The West Wing, and pretending that President Bartlet was the actual president of America.

6. Arrested Development: The only lingering problem I have with Arrested Development is that every time I dream about Portia de Rossi, Ron Howard narrates.

7. The Daily Show: The Daily Show was the beginning of something revolutionary. It's not fake news. It's legitimate, actual news that cuts through the bullshit and mocks the most deserving. Jon Stewart is a champion of gay rights because he's a champion of logic.

8. Josh Schwartz: Here are the things Josh Schwartz is responsible for: The O.C., Gossip Girl, Chuck, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Band of Horses, Stars, Iron and Wine, The Walkmen and The Killers (just to name a few). Clear channel was buying and homogenizing radio when Schwartz had the idea to save the music. He did. And he gave us Blair Waldorf.

9. John Mayer: It seems like I fall in love every time a new John Mayer album comes out. Causation or coincidence? Not sure, but it means he makes the list.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean movies: Captain ... Captain Jack Sparrow. (Oh, and um, Elizabeth ... Elizabeth Swann.)

The Linster

1. The L Word: I have loved and hated the L Word, often at the same time. But having a show about "us" was amazing and affirming.

2. Ellen DeGeneres: An out lesbian with a successful talk show is remarkable. And as time goes on, Ellen gets more and more vocal about LGBT issues -- and the world still loves her. Now most everyone in the country "knows a lesbian." That makes voting against us difficult. Portia is like icing on a lesbian cake. And lesbian cake is damn tasty.

3. Televised women's basketball: WNBA parity and Title IX resulted more national broadcasts of women's pro and college basketball. I can almost always find a game on TV now -- and women's basketball is one of my favorite things in life.

4. Snarky news: The Daily Show changed the way we got our news by presenting its absurd side, even while getting the facts correct. Now politicians line up to be put on the spot by Stewart and Colbert. TDS paved the way for Rachel Maddow, who can undercut a newsmaker with the cock of an eyebrow and refuses to back down on what she knows to be true. Watching news used to be a chore for me; now I look forward to it. And I'm better informed on what's going on in the world than I ever have been.

5. West Wing: WW was just great television. Right after 9/11, the show tossed its season opener to shoot a new episode, knowing the impact it would have. The show occasionally got preachy, but it set the stage for some of the best dramas in TV history. And it totally stands up to repeat watching. (Not to mention that Allison Janney was on every week.)

6. Cable dramas: The number of well drawn, well acted sequential dramas on cable during this decade is amazing -- and I loved most all of them. The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Big Love, The Shield, Damages, Dexter and many more. I love shows that give me the "I can't wait to see what happens next" feeling at the end of every episode. Some, like Six Feet Under, can sustain it for the entire run of the show. (And the series finale of Six Feet Under might have been the best episode of TV ever.)

7. Pixar, especially Finding Nemo, WALL-E and Up: Now, learning that a movie is animated does not mean it's kid fare. Plus, the writing and design are so good that I see something new every time I watch.

8. Tina Fey, in all her glory: She wrote and acted in so many things that I love that I won't even try to name them. As Palin, she totally changed the election, IMO, just by being so true to Palin that nobody could dismiss it. Tina is a genius. Her adorableness is a bonus.

9. Hillary Clinton: Corny as it sounds, Hillary was like a lighthouse for women, leading us to trust our own power. She was brilliant, graceful and, yes, beautiful throughout the election, losing her cool from time to time but refusing to apologize for being who she is. I still wish she were president, although she probably has accomplished more as Secretary of State than she could've as Commander in Chief. In any case, she served as proof to every little girl in the country that women truly are equal in every way to men. And in many cases, superior.

10. Dorothy Snarker: This isn't really a suck-up, because Ms. Snarker represents a whole network of brilliant and funny women I've met through the Internet, many of whom have become good friends. The Web is marvelous and terrifying all at once, but I honestly can't remember how I got along without it. And I am quite grateful to discover that the world has plenty of people, especially lesbians, who are as weird and pop-culture-obsessed as I am. And, of course, our Dorothy is the best of the best.
[Editor’s Note: I in no way paid her to say that. Though, hypothetically, do you prefer large or small bills, Linster?]

Dorothy Snarker

1. Tina Fey: Please, you knew this was coming. Tina is everything I love in a woman: smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, goofy, hard-working and a big nerd in high school. Never leave us, Tina Fey. The world would be a less bright place without you – and I mean that both in the light source and big brain senses.

2. The L Word: As much and as loudly and as justifiably we yelled about everything that was wrong with this show, I am still undeniably grateful it existed in the first place. We sometimes forget how important it is to have our lives – even much more glitzy, glamorous versions of our lives – reflected back to us. This show reminded us, and then there were also a lot of hot chicks kissing.

3. Ellen DeGeneres: Who would have guessed that this charming lady with the funny last name would become America’s most beloved daytime talk show host. (Note: Oprah is revered, not necessarily beloved – don’t crush me Oprah.) She is everyone’s lesbian next door with the smoking hot wife. Now that’s progress.

4. Pixar: Nothing soothed our inner child this decade better than Pixar. When we were blue, they reminded us to just keep swimming. When we felt lonely, they reminded us that it only took a moment to be loved a whole life long. And when we didn’t know what we were searching for, they reminded us squirrel!

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Granted, this started in the 1997, but I didn’t really start to watch in earnest until early 2000. This show informed so much of what I still want from my TV today: zippy dialogue, gratuitous pop culture references, pathos, snarkiness, vampires, lesbians and girls in leather pants kicking ass. Also, she saved the world – a lot.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Some movies are like a gift left on your pillow on a day that isn’t anywhere near your birthday. It’s completely unexpected. It seems a little weird. It has you confused at first. But when you open it, the contents fill you with such joy you know you’ll remember it forever.

7. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Let’s face it, most of the 00s were spent with an idiot for president and Dr. Evil for vice president. These were not the best of political times. Without Jon, I don’t think most liberals – or just sane people – would have made it through those eight years. He was an oasis of clarity and chuckles. If we can’t laugh we’ll cry has never been more true. And he will forever be the perfect definition of irony: A comedy new anchor who becomes the most trusted newsman in America. Walter Cronkite might not have approved, but I’ll sure bet he laughed.

8. David Sedaris: Whenever I need to be reminded how much harder I have to work at this writing thing, I just crack open any Sedaris book and laugh out loud (the real kind, not the damn acronym). Wickedly smart, painfully observant and just funny as fucking hell, Sedaris writes what I love to read. Also, unexpected bonus, reading his books helps tone the abs – all that deep belly laughing, you know.

9. Lost in Translation: If you want to fall back in love with the art and craft of movie making, pop in this movie. You might also fall in love with Scarlett Johansson and/or Tokyo, too. Just a warning.

10. Meryl Streep: It seems almost a crime to put Meryl at No. 10. But it’s just that her resume is so long, it’s hard to pick a decade where she shouldn’t be on everyone’s list. Though, one could argue that the 00s were one of her best and for sure her most commercially successful. Her talent goes unparalleled, but what is really remarkable is that at 60 she is still playing the romantic lead in major motion pictures. I’ll never stop swooning over you, Meryl. Ever.

Though, kittens – and I say this without irony or cynicism or snark – to be perfectly honest, you all made my decade. Thank you, as always and unendingly, for coming back day after day. Thanks for reading and commenting and sharing your opinions and arguments and pieces of your lives. You’ve made me think and laugh and feel just a little less alone on this big hunk of rock hurtling itself around the sun. Happy decade, all.

Support Tibette

Those of good conscience already support Tibet. And now those of good conscience can also support Tibette. Sure, we support them already with our lustful stares and lascivious thoughts. But this is a more tangible and – let’s just say it – wholesome kind of support. The actresses who gave us Tibette – Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman – are both throwing their support, not to mention creative talents, behind worthy causes this holiday season. And we can help them through our purchases and donations. Also, it gives us another chance to ogle appreciate the women behind Tibette.

First Laurel is sponsoring an art auction featuring her own work along with sketches by TLW castmates and photos from a friend. Laurel is donating five of her paintings, friend Miki Turner is donating 12 of her photographs and Pam Grier and Rachel Shelley are donating a sketch each which they will personally sign to the winning bidder.

A look at Laurel’s work:

All proceeds going to the Maasai Conservation Wilderness Trust. Check out the auction website at mwctlaurelholloman.com. Bidding is now live on eBay. Bid here. (Auctions end Dec. 21.) Or to give directly, donate though Laurel’s fundraising page: firstgiving.com/laurelhollomannet1

Next it appears Jennifer has finished work on “The L Word Book.” The book is a behind-the-scenes look through Jennifer’s lens at the women who spend six seasons talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming. (You didn’t think you’d get away with never hearing that monstrosity again, did you?)

Here is a sneak peek:

The proceeds of the book and prints will go to several different charities including the Matthew Shepard Foundation, Mia Kirshner’s I Live Here Foundation and The Pablove Foundation. The book’s website says it is coming out in December 2009, but considering we’re a third through the month it might be delayed. Check the official site for details at lwordbook.com.

See, doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and not for the normal reasons Tibette makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Though, Jennifer and Laurel, if you really want to raise some crazy cash for your respective charities I have a little suggestion: naked portraits of each other. Think of all the gay ladies clamoring to get their hands on those puppies. It would be the Tickle Me Elmo frenzy on steroids and there might even be some punches thrown. And, best of all, it’s alllll for charity. Brilliant, huh? No? Fine, your ideas are good too. I guess. (Kicks dirt.)

Now get busy buying and bidding, ladies.