Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

The Canceled Code

Dear Fox,

You canceled “The Chicago Code.” That means you’ve cancelled Jennifer Beals. That means she will no longer be on our TVs. That means the universe will miss this.

LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES, FOX!

How could you do this to Jennifer? How could you do this to us?

She wore ties.

She wore tank tops.

She showed us her cop arms.

She showed us her shiny, shiny hair.

What more could this woman possibly do for you? What more could she do for us? Sigh.

I believe to deprive the world of Jennifer Beals is a mortal sin. A sin, Fox, a sin.

Sincerely miffed,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. Still not convinced you have made a terrible life choice, Fox? Click that collage to enlarge all the Beals you will make us miss.

Tank Top Tuesday: TV Time

Between the return of winter TV and the start of pilot season, so much has happened that I think we’re going to need to review the revised landscape with clear-eyed, in-depth, critical analysis. In other words, we’re going to review it with tank top.

Sarah Michelle GellarSMG is coming back to TV. If that doesn’t get you excited check your pulse. If you don’t have a pulse, look out for SMG because she may be coming to stake you. Old habits die hard.

Minka KellyShe’s one of the new Angels on the “Charlie’s Angels” reboot. If the show is a hit, will boyfriend Derek Jeter start playing for Anaheim as a show of solidarity?

Adrianne PalickiPeople agree on two things when it comes to David E. Kelley’s new “Wonder Woman” series. 1) They love Adrianne’s casting as Wonder Woman. 2) They hate the pilot script with a fiery passion.

Zooey DeschanelShe is going to star in a pilot for a project that had the working title “Chicks and Dicks.” It’s hard to think of a title with less appeal to gay ladies, unless you called it “Dicks and Dicks,” but then it’d be a reality show on Logo and I’d totally watch that with several cocktails and my best gays.

Laura PreponI really liked her better as a redhead. But then I guess you have to embrace the peroxide to play Chelsea Handler, and the vodka.

Anna TorvFringe is now on Friday, but mostly I just wanted to post her holding this gun. Mmmm.

Jennifer Beals“The Chicago Code” broke out the white tank top for the very first episode. It’s blatant pandering to the lesbians, and we like it.

Sarah Shahi“Fairly Legal” isn’t a great TV show or anything. But it’s fun and Sarah has showed up in her underwear. So, you know, sold.

Caroline DhavernasI stopped watching “Off the Map” for the same reasons I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy.” Doctors with personal problems (with or without borders) just aren’t my thing. But I still love you, Jaye Tyler.

Sofia VergaraNothing new is happening with “Modern Family,” but when you have a chance to post a picture like this, you take it.

So, what new TV pilot or show has your temperature rising. And, remember, please phrase your answer in the form of a tank top.

The city that works

All is right with the universe. Jennifer Beals is back on TV. That’s right, kittens. She’s back, she’s bad ass and she’s more beautiful than you even remembered. How is that possible? I don’t know. I just know that I’m thankful and willing to make whatever kind of sacrificial offering is required to keep the spectacular Ms. Beals on my television on the regular.

And about that television show, it’s good, it’s damn good. “The Chicago Code” premieres at 9 p.m. tonight on Fox and you should watch. You should watch not just because of Jennifer (though, come on, she is reason enough), but because the show has ambition, smarts, grit and energy. Also, it had Chicago – and that’s one hell of a town.

You can read my complete review of “The Chicago Code” at AfterEllen.com later today.

Curiously, many of the reviews I’ve read for the series (all by men, mind you), have called Beals too light-weight and even slender to have the immediate gravitas to pull off her role as Chicago’s first female superintendent of police. Of course, we know better. We’ve feasted for years on the glorious tyranny of Alpha Bette. We know exactly what this woman can do with a single glance. Don’t worry, boys, she isn’t going to have any trouble at all filling out that uniform.

My one problem with the show, and it’s the drum I will continue to beat all this year, is that the pilot violates the Bechdel Rule. Sure, Jennifer has a great leading role and newcomer Ericka Johnson has a prominent part as a rookie cop. Yet, they never speak to each other or to any of the other peripheral female characters. Now, I’ve also seen the second and third episodes and there are actual words spoken (and not about a man) between women. So let’s hope more female characters work their way into this otherwise crackerjack of a series. I mean, any show that spoils us with Jennifer Beals flashes cop forearms in the very first episode has set the bar pretty high. We expect them to deliver. We know Jennifer will.

p.s. We also get to see Jennifer in a tank top in the pilot. Sweet merciful Zeus, watch this show.

Twice as nice

Hey, did you know two “The L Word” alums had new shows coming out in the next few weeks? Of course you did. Did you know one show is about cops and the other about lawyers (or former lawyers)? Of course you did. Did you know the actresses in question are Jennifer Beals and Sarah Shahi, two of the most scrumdiddlyumptious of the former TLW castmates? Of course you did. Well, fine, know it alls. Tell me which show will be better then?

I’m in the process of getting screeners for both shows (so with any luck I’ll have reviews for you when they premiere). But for now, based on their promos, which show are you most excited about? Jennifer Beals in hot cop mode for “The Chicago Code” or Sarah Shahi in hot mediator mode for “Fairly Legal.” I suspect your answer will hinge on whether you’re in a suit or pencil skirt mood. Or whether you prefer a gal in her skivvies or an elbow to the face. But either way, it’s lovely to see these actresses return to on our screens soon. Welcome back, ladies. Never leave us like that again.

Fairly Legal, Jan. 20 on USA


The Chicago Code, Feb. 7 on Fox

Right, so now I know all of you are going to cheat and say, “Both.”

Girls do make passes at girls who wear glasses

So, I still can’t stop thinking about those smart girls. If there is one accessory that almost automatically adds points to a woman’s IQ, it’s a nice pair of glasses. Give a gal with glasses a book (particularly a book about kissing, like Mia Kirshner above) and be still my big nerdy heart. Now, as some of you might remember, I’m a glasses wearer. I wear contacts most of the time, but I’ve always got my specs on in the evening to write and watch TV and hang about the house. As a kid, I wore glasses full-time – big clunky things that for some incomprehensible reason covered more of my cheeks than my actual eyes. Seriously, were we trying to look through some heretofore unknown fourth eye with those enormous hubcap lenses in the 80s? Back then they used to say “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” But that was before the whole sexy librarian thing really took off. And now, well, I still can’t speak for the guys, but this gal sure likes making passes at girls who wear glasses. In particular, these gals. No need to take your glasses off and shake out your hair, ladies. I mean, feel free to shake out your hair, but definitely keep the glasses on while you do it. Here’s looking at you, four eyes.

Mary-Louise ParkerBig brown eyes behind big brown frames make my knees weak, instantly.

Cate BlanchettBlue eyes behind blue frames ain’t half bad either.

Shirley MansonOf course, gingers can wear whatever color frames they want.

Angelina JolieAnd then sometimes you don’t need any color at all, just the world’s most expertly arched eyebrow.

Anna TorvEverything in this picture works for me. Glasses. V-neck. Ponytail. Laptop. Books. Heck, I even like the lamp.

Padma LakshmiEverything in this picture works for me, too. Plus, I know Padma could cook me an amazing dinner afterwards. And then we’d talk shit about Tom Colicchio.

Sarah ShahiNow that’s what I call a nice pair – of glasses.

Helena Bonham CarterThis whole ensemble is crazy. But crazy good, not crazy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Rachel MaddowOh, to have her look over her Clark Kent glasses and talk dirty, dirty politics to me.

Tina FeyOh, please, like I wasn’t going to include her.

Marlee Matlin & Jennifer BealsThis is them, the insane hubcap-sized glasses we used to wear in the 80s. Of course, they look fine on Marlee and Jennifer. Whatever, I’m not jealous. Though, we probably shouldn’t talk about the hair.

Oh, and one other sexy thing about glasses? When things get steamy, so do they.

The aLum Word

Now that the networks have unveiled their new seasons, it’s time to see how the ladies of the Chaikenverse (ugh, I already feel dirty and wrong about using that term) are faring. The verdict: Pretty well. In fact some of the L alumni have high-profile new projects ahead. And, for whatever reason, most of them have law enforcement bents. I guess six seasons of the crazy that Chaiken built will make any sane person run for a little law and order.

“Ride-Along” (Fox), Jennifer Beals

Let me sum up the “Ride-Along” trailer as simply as possible: Jennifer Beals. Cop Uniform. Chicago Streets. Tough talk. Handcuffed perp. Tank Top. I don’t really think the world needs another cop drama, but I do think the world needs to put Jennifer Beals in charge of Chicago.

“Chase”(NBC), Rose Rollins

“Chase” seems little “In Palin Sight” mixed with “Justified” and sprinkled with a dusting of an Anna Torv-type in cowboy boots. Also, there was far too little of Rose in that trailer. Still, someone is looking very Tasha today. I’m just saying – she pings my gay character ’dar.

“Facing Kate” (USA), Sarah Shahi

No clips or promos of “Facing Kate” yet, just the tantalizing thought of Sarah headlining her own new USA series. She’ll play a former top litigator who becomes a legal mediator. So I think that means we can look forward to seeing Sarah in a series of nicely tailored suits. And, just in case you’ve forgotten what Sarah looks like, I’ve provided a helpful visual aid of her taken earlier this month. Yeah, you’re totally watching this series.

“The Gates” (ABC), Janina Gavankar

It’s “Desperate Housewives” meets “True Blood!” This summer series looks a little, um, dumb. But it does have Janina as what appears to be a security guard. So it at least gives us the opportunity to say one more, “Really, Papi?”

And that doesn’t even take into account the many actresses already working gainfully on existing shows. We’ve got Jane Lynch on “Glee,” Jessica Capshaw on “Grey’s Anatomy,” Lucy Lawless on “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” and Mia Kirshner on “The Vampire Diaries.” While we’re at it, we should pour a little out for our homie, Kate Moennig. “Three Rivers” is dead, but this summer you can watch CBS burn off its final five episodes starting June 5.

So, which L alum’s new show has you most excited? I’m going with Jennifer’s “Ride-Along” for now. But we haven’t seen Sarah in action yet. Oh, TV, I love it when you’re in the courting phase.

EDITED TO ADD:

“Body of Proof” (ABC), Dana Delany

Dammit, I left out the fabulous Ms. Dana Delany and her new ABC show “Body of Proof.” (Hat tip to the always lovely Norma Desmond for the reminder!) Dana is back in scrubs, and joined by the also lovely Jeri Ryan – though sadly not in her skin-tight silver body suit from “Voyager.”

Perfect 10

Now, to be perfectly honest, I’m normally somewhat opposed to the ranking of women solely by attractiveness. Very often, no good comes of it except scantily clad pictures of women in what will soon be sticky pages of a glossy magazine. Like I was saying, no good. But, in the spirit of representing all kinds of attractiveness, particularly from a gay sensibility, and in the spirit of listmaking, because who doesn’t love a list, I’m going to share my votes for uber hotties in this year’s AfterEllen.com Hot 100.

1. Tina FeyIf you don’t know the reasons by now, I’m going to have to assume you just haven’t been paying attention.

2. Lena HeadeyI cannot resist a sexy scowl. And no one scowls sexier than Lena, especially when she follows it up with that crooked little smile. I am a goner, baby goner.

3. Padma LakshmiIn one of my versions of heaven, I get to watch Padma lick food off her fingers for all of eternity.

4. Jodie FosterYour first lady crush is always your longest.

5. Kate WinsletI think, if at all possible, Kate keeps getting more exquisite with age. I expect add her to my personal Hot 100 from now until we’re all finally driving those flying cars we’ve been promised.

6. Olivia WildeI think Megan Fox’s greatest contribution to society so far has been the universal acknowledgment that Olivia is so hot that mountain oxen everywhere better watch the fuck out.

7. Meryl StreepSee my Kate Winslet reasoning, times 1,000.

8. Tilda SwintonWords cannot adequately describe why or how viscerally I am attracted to Tilda. Though if forced at gunpoint to sum it up in under two words I would have to go with “the hair.”

9. Jennifer BealsIn another of my versions of heaven, Jennifer bosses me around while wearing one of her Alpha Bette power suits.

10. Katie McGrathI don’t even really watch “Merlin,” but every time I happen upon it I have to stop and marvel at the unmitigated gorgeous that is Katie McGrath. She is my most recent obsession, rendering me weak and wobbly with her delicious pale skin, dark hair combo pack. Also, girl can handle a sword.

So, let’s see your lists. Objectification is so much more fun when you share the results. Don’t forget to cast your vote by Friday.