Just my type

I’ve never really been the kind of person to have a “type.” I like the infinite variations and unique particularities that makes each woman so different and so delightful. Red hair. Blonde hair. Pale skin. Mahogany skin. Green eyes. Brown eyes. Why choose just one when you can have the rainbow? But it seems, at least for the time being, I’m going through a very definite phase. I can’t tell if it’s one of these, well, passing things. Or if it’s here for good. Because right now I’m in a serious dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the United Kingdom phase. I’m not entirely sure how this phase got started. I mean, we all dabble in college. But it’s safe to say my phase is now a full-blown obsession. It seems every new star I’ve developed quick, complete crushes on of late has been one of these dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK. While I’ve already confessed at length to my Anglophia before, this is a very specific kind of Anglophilia. So while I still am reluctant to say I have a type, I’ll admit that the next dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented woman of the UK who walks my way will definitely get a head swivel. And then some.

Hayley AtwellI had absolutely no interest in seeing “Captain America.” And then, Hayley happened. She is also, you might remember, the actress Emma Thompson almost got in a row with producers about because they wanted her to lose weight. Anytime Emma Thompson almost comes to fisticuffs over you, well, you know you’re something special.

Heather PeaceHot cop is hot. End of discussion.

Katie McGrathI cannot even put into words how attractive I find Katie. I almost have to stop myself from stroking the screen each time I see her. I just want to touch her face. And, um, possibly other stuff.

Pippa MiddletonI know, I know. Laugh if you must. But once I saw Hot Sister in That Dress at The Wedding, I was a goner. Because, while I am also not a butt girl either, dayum.

Marsha ThomasonThey should give Marsha more occasion to use her real accent on White Collar. They must.

Lara PulverShe played Sookie’s fairy godmother (yes, really, her fairy godmother) on “True Blood.” I can’t be the only one who thinks she looks like a dark-haired Jodie Foster, right?

Lena HeadeyClearly, Lena is not a new girl crush for me. But my God, her face – her magnificent, magnificent face.

I take everything back. Lena is my type. Exactly, totally, 100 percent my type. So, you know, dibs.

p.s. Keep in mind, kittens, these are all new or newish crushes (with the exception of permanent crush, Lena). I have so, so many long-standing crushes on other dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK. So many.

God save the queens

God save the queens of England. After watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” last weekend, I reaffirmed my long-simmering Anglophilia. Heavens, the Brits are lovely. First of all, those accents. God damn, those accents. And they’ve got crisp composure about them. You know, that stiff upper lip thing. But then there’s that wonderful juxtaposition that can happen. Those proper accents, that cool exterior and then seemingly out of nowhere the they can say the most shockingly hilarious or absolutely filthy things. It’s the bawdiness under the sophistication that I think I enjoy the most. I mean, any dame who’ll wrap herself in a union jack flag and nothing else at age 65 and look better than most 25 years old doing it, well, that’s a woman you want to share a pint with – preferably more. A few more of my very favorite English lasses. Rule Britannia, baby.

Lena HeadeyAnd now I have to go rewatch “Imagine Me & You,” immediately.

Rachel WeiszOf course she married 007, just look at her.

Shelley ConnSome of you thought I didn’t give Shelley the proper love in the “Nina’s Heavenly Delights” post. Trust me, I love her good and proper.

Helena Bonham CarterSure, Bellatrix is totally evil and batshit crazy. But, admit it, also kinda sexy.

Kate WinsletSuch a pretty face, such a potty mouth.

Alex KingstonWhat I wouldn’t give to roll over and say, “Hello, sweetie.”

Kristin Scott ThomasDon’t you hate it when jam from your crumpet gets on your hand and you have to lick it off slowly? Wait, sorry, got the wrong word again – replace “hate” with “love.”

Julia OrmondI feel forever robbed by Showtime for not giving us a Julia/Eve Best love scene on “Nurse Jackie.”

Emma ThompsonFew people so fully embody a word as Emma does “delightful.”

Emma WatsonI always knew she would grow up, well, perfect.

Vacation Vixens: Anna Torv & Lena Headey

That this picture even exists is evidence that we live in a benevolent universe after all.

Speaking of benevolence, this is the final weekend to vote for yours truly as Best LGBT Blog in the Bloggies. Happy weekend, all.

Brought to you by the letter R

So last night in a fit of late-night iTunesing, I had to muster up all my willpower to resist buying “Imagine Me & You” to carry around with me in my pocket forever, always. (I already own the DVD. I don’t want to wear out its welcome. I need to be sensible and eat my vegetables, young lady.) So I turned to Twitter for support (y’all are a bunch of enablers, by the way). But, instead, what you really did was draw my attention to something very, very odd and very, very frustrating.

“Imagine Me & You” is rated R. Which means here in the United States no child under the age of 17 could see it in a theater without an accompanying parent or guardian. In essence, that means that the Motion Picture Association of America thought there was something so objectionable about this movie that children must be shielded from its potentially harmful effects. Its official MPPA rating says it earned that R for “for some language and sexual material.” Now, normally R is reserved for movies with explicit sex scenes, sexualized nudity, extreme foul language and/or graphic violence. All the “Saw” movies (including the upcoming third “Saw” in 3-D no less), which feature murder, torture and dismemberment of every imaginable variety, are rated R. “Boogie Nights,” a movie about the porn industry and a man who uses his enormous penis to become a star in it, is rated R. The first two “Scary Movie” films, which were all about supposedly satirizing sexy flasher films by showing excessive sex and slashing, were rated R (the last two only were rated PG-13).

Does “Imagine Me & You” have nudity? No, because I sure as hell know I would have remembered seeing Lena Headey naked, or Piper Perabo or even Giles Anthony Stewart Head. Does “Imagine Me & You” have murder, torture, dismemberment, blood, guts or any of those in any combination in 3-D? No, though the awful stock broker boss does make me feel momentarily stabby for being such an ass. Does “Imagine Me & You” have extreme foul language? Well, No. 9 might argue this but I really don’t think there’s too much past a “fuck” here or there.

But what it does have is two women kissing and falling in love. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HIDE THE CHILDREN!

Now, if you’ve seen “This Film Is Not Yet Rated,” this is not news to you. Gay-themed movies are often rated much more harshly than straight movies. “But I’m a Cheerleader” was given an NC-17 (No children under 17, period, even with an adult) at first, then downgraded to an R after cuts. “Boys Don’t Cry” was initially given an NC-17, then trimmed to get an R. “American Psycho” was initially given an NC-17 rating, but then when they cut not the axe murder or the chainsaw dismemberment or the serial killing in general but the one three-way sex scene it was graced with an R. Message: As long as there’s no sex in your violence, you’re A-OK. Also, if there happens to be gay sex in your violence you’re totally screwed – and not in even a remotely kind of fun way.

While the ratings are “voluntary,” they mean everything to both the film’s exposure and eventual bottom line. Many theaters won’t play a NC-17 movie. Many distributors won’t stock a NC-17 DVD. A R rating, in turn, will limit a movie’s potential box office because a whole segment of the population is excluded. But money and audience aside, what this is really still saying is that gay relationships are so different, so frightening, so unacceptable, so deviant that we have to protect the young impressionable minds from seeing them.

The only scary thing about these two women together is that someone would look at them and think, “Shit, they’re scary.” And the only way this movie could ever really be rated R is if the “R” actually stood for “Repeat Viewing.” Which I think I’ll do now. On my iPhone. Just to prove a point. And that point is: “You’re a wanker, MPAA!”

Perfect 10

Now, to be perfectly honest, I’m normally somewhat opposed to the ranking of women solely by attractiveness. Very often, no good comes of it except scantily clad pictures of women in what will soon be sticky pages of a glossy magazine. Like I was saying, no good. But, in the spirit of representing all kinds of attractiveness, particularly from a gay sensibility, and in the spirit of listmaking, because who doesn’t love a list, I’m going to share my votes for uber hotties in this year’s AfterEllen.com Hot 100.

1. Tina FeyIf you don’t know the reasons by now, I’m going to have to assume you just haven’t been paying attention.

2. Lena HeadeyI cannot resist a sexy scowl. And no one scowls sexier than Lena, especially when she follows it up with that crooked little smile. I am a goner, baby goner.

3. Padma LakshmiIn one of my versions of heaven, I get to watch Padma lick food off her fingers for all of eternity.

4. Jodie FosterYour first lady crush is always your longest.

5. Kate WinsletI think, if at all possible, Kate keeps getting more exquisite with age. I expect add her to my personal Hot 100 from now until we’re all finally driving those flying cars we’ve been promised.

6. Olivia WildeI think Megan Fox’s greatest contribution to society so far has been the universal acknowledgment that Olivia is so hot that mountain oxen everywhere better watch the fuck out.

7. Meryl StreepSee my Kate Winslet reasoning, times 1,000.

8. Tilda SwintonWords cannot adequately describe why or how viscerally I am attracted to Tilda. Though if forced at gunpoint to sum it up in under two words I would have to go with “the hair.”

9. Jennifer BealsIn another of my versions of heaven, Jennifer bosses me around while wearing one of her Alpha Bette power suits.

10. Katie McGrathI don’t even really watch “Merlin,” but every time I happen upon it I have to stop and marvel at the unmitigated gorgeous that is Katie McGrath. She is my most recent obsession, rendering me weak and wobbly with her delicious pale skin, dark hair combo pack. Also, girl can handle a sword.

So, let’s see your lists. Objectification is so much more fun when you share the results. Don’t forget to cast your vote by Friday.

Baby, it's cold outside

Look, I know Tuesday is traditionally tank top day. But, dude, it’s winter. While it pains me to say this, it’s way too damn cold for tank tops. So instead today let’s celebrate the warm and snuggly. Cold weather clothes can be hot, too. Well, the people wearing them can be hot – and toasty. And just because you’ve got on mittens and scarves doesn’t mean you have to deprive the world of the really good stuff. To which I say, bless you, Lauren Graham.

Olivia WildeCourteney CoxKeri RussellSandra OhVirginia MadsenLena HeadeyAmy PoehlerAmerica FerreraTina FeyClea DuVallAnna Torv

Look at Anna, so cute and tiny in her gianormous jacket. Don’t you just want to take her home, sit her by the fire and serve her hot cocoa? Or, you know, yourself. Whatever is handy.

Imagine Me & Lena

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I found myself up in the wee hours of the night, as I often do, but this time I was extra aimless as there was no work or blogging or whathaveyou to do for the next day. Then just as I was going to trot off happily to bed I landed on Logo (I promise that’s not a plug, because they’re not paying me – hint, hint) and who should I find there smiling that crooked smile at me but Lena Headey. Well, clearly, there was no going to bed after that.

My love for Lena runs long and deep (that sounded dirty…I’m OK with that). “Imagine Me & You” is one of those movies that I have to watch whenever it is on. There is no other option. How can you turn away from Lena Headey kissing another woman? Answer: You can’t; don’t try.

Watching the movie again (it had inexplicably been a while – also, why don’t I own my own copy?) rekindled my unending love for all things Lena. Which, naturally, got me thinking about the first time I noticed her, 12 years ago, as the dashing Sally Seton in “Mrs. Dalloway.” You can see why poor Clarissa couldn’t stop thinking about her, even all those decades later. Also, never interrupt a woman when she is kissing Lena. You will be greeted only by dagger stares, and rightfully so.

What is so wonderful about Lena (besides that she is the best scowler in the business) is that she plays gay so often and effortlessly. She was the lesbian partner to a Victorian poet in “Possession,” though that ended badly (like “What are you doing with those stones in your pockets, Virginia Woolf?”-badly).

And before that she was gay (and a dominatrix, score!) in the gritty British miniseries “Band of Gold” about women who work in the red light district. From what I’ve seen of that though, things didn’t end all that great there either. But at least she no one walked into a river as far as I can tell.

Sure, she wasn’t gay in “Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles” (though she wore a lot of tank tops and brandished a shotgun, so it can be forgiven) and doesn’t appear to be gay in her upcoming role in the HBO series “Game of Thrones.” But she will “smart, cunning and devious” as the royal Cersei. So, with any luck, we’ll see a lot more of that sexy scowl and that lopsided grin. And, who knows, maybe one day in the not so distant future she’ll kiss girls again for us. How could anyone who puts her hands so convincingly in her pockets not? Answer: She must; don’t worry.