Dancing fool

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a technological freak out when I accidentally unplugged my iPhone in the middle of a software update. Pro Tip: Bad idea, really bad idea. That forced an entire system restore, which forced me to fret for three hours while everything reninstalled, which forced me to worry about how long it had been since my last backup, which forced me to think about what I could have lost on my phone. I was pretty sure I’d updated since returning from my vacation. But I wasn’t sure if I’d synched since Pride. Now, I’m sure at this point you’re thinking, “Snarker, where the fuck are you going with this?” And that’s a very good question.

Because where I’m going with this is that I also realized if I hadn’t synched since Pride, that might not be the worst thing in the world because then some somewhat incriminating dancing photos/videos might not be on my phone anymore. Because as enthusiastic as I can be about dancing given the right mix of atmosphere and adult beverages, I’m not entirely sure it’s something I should save for posterity. Yet, after my restore finished, I was oddly relieved to see that I had lost only two apps, and all of my photos and videos – even the embarrassing dancing ones – were back. Sometimes, dorky dancing can be more delightful than the most graceful, most beautiful choreography. Not cooler or sexier, mind you. But often more spontaneous and ecstatic. So in honor of my recovered cache, here is an ode to the joy of dorky dancing.

Buffy & Company

When the Scooby Gang dances, the world smiles. And often is saved.

Tina Fey

Liz Lemon, the best dorky dancer since Elaine Benes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Of course, no one can top the original.

Amy Poehler

That’s 1,000 extra bonus cuteness points for you, Amy Poehler.

Paget Brewster

That settles it, I would like dancing Paget to be my spirit animal.

p.s. And, no, you cannot see my own dorky dancing videos. I said I was happy they were back, not that I wanted to share. I’m not crazy.

That's Ms. Bossypants to you

Happy Bossypants Day! Tina Fey’s book goes on sale today and if you aren’t currently jogging toward a bookstore as we speak I will consider it a personal affront to my Fake TV Wife and you will never be invited over for a fake dinner on a fake double date with your Fake TV Wife, Sara Ramirez. So there. But, seriously folks, I feel oddly proud about her book launch today. (Which, I am fully aware, is in no way my accomplishment. I’m delusional, but not that delusional.) Mostly I’m happy that in a world that so often questions, judges, challenges, restricts, belittles and ignores women that such a smart, capable, independent woman has been able to reach this level of success. It’s not that the world is lacking Tina Feys. There are smart, capable, independent women all over the place. It’s that our society stubbornly refuses to look at them through the lens of just their abilities. It’s always couched in gender. And, don’t get me wrong, I understand there are inherent differences between the genders. Hello, clearly. But when people chastise and even ridicule President Obama for relying on council from his female advisers on how to act in Libya, you know we our opinions aren’t being placed on anywhere near the same playing field as the menfolk. So, today, in honor of Tina’s book, let’s all allow our inner Bossypants to run free. Let’s be (or continue to be, as hopefully is the case) bossy and unapologetic and powerful. Let us never be afraid to be the smartest person in the room. In fact, let’s work hard to make sure everybody knows it.

And, on that note, please enjoy Tina Fey telling everyone how much better she is than Helen Mirren.

Lez Lemon

You know when people say they kid because they care? That’s my Tina Fey. While she sadly hasn’t yet qualified for her Honorary Hot Plate (or the real deal Toast Oven either, but I keep hoping), my Fake TV Wife did pick up a GLAAD Media Award for “30 Rock” over the weekend. The show won the Outstanding Individual Episode (in a series without a regular LGBT character) for the episode “Klaus & Greta.” p.s. Man, that’s a long award title to have engraved on a plaque. The honor was a lovely one for a show that has been accepting and open to the LGBT community on screen and off screen.

For those familiar with the show (which should be all of you – casting an evil eye at anyone watching “The Mentalist” or “Private Practice.” That’s why Tivo was invented, people), it’s had a long and stories history of making lesbian jokes. In the third episode of the very first season, Liz Lemon’s boss Jack Donaghy mistakes her for a lesbian and sets her up on a date with ADA Alex Cabot, I mean, Stephanie March. It was handled with humor and sensitivity, and made for many, many happy nights dreaming about Tina and Stephanie making flower beds out of old railroad ties and, um, other stuff. I have that episode downloaded on my iPhone. I rewatch it almost every single time I fly.

Since then the show has continued to make jokes about Liz Lemon’s lesbian tendencies. Not that she’s an actual lesbian, which she isn’t, but that she kind of looks and/or acts like one. And I’m sure all the joking could raise an eyebrow or two about poking fun at the dowdy lesbian stereotype. But, again, you have to consider the source. This isn’t Rush Limbaugh talking about “lesbian spearchuckers.” This is Tina Fey who thanked her staff’s gay/lesbian partners in her Emmy acceptance speech and supported gay marriage in her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech and says on her show “just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don’t love America.”

Also, in case you hadn’t noticed, “30 Rock” takes pot shots at everyone. EVERYONE. Republicans, Democrats, Hipsters, Spinsters, Actors, Writers, African Americans, Hillbillies, Feminists, Chauvinists, Slobs, Overachievers, Gays, Lesbians, Transvestites, Straights, Canadians, NBC, Comcast, Doctors, Beeper Salesmen, Handsome People, Ugly People, Cat People and the fact that everyone you’ve ever met who is named Tina is a “real bitch.” Seriously, everyone.

As she said in her GLAAD acceptance speech:

“I want to thank everyone at GLAAD for having such a keen self of humor because jokes are tricky things. And so much of what makes the difference between a joke being offensive and being funny is the context it is in and the intention behind it. I so I want to on behalf of everyone at ‘30 Rock’ thank everyone at GLAAD for recognizing that from Liz Lemon’s bi-curious shoes to Jenna Maroney’s heterosexual transvestite boyfriend to Will Arnett’s ongoing semi-erotic business rivalry with Alec Baldwin, thank you for recognizing that the show has nothing but respect and admiration for the lesbian, gay and transgendered community. And I hope you will stick with us through next week’s episode where Jack Donaghy buys a struggling cable network called Twinks.”

Check out AfterEllen later today for a full run-down of Tina’s GLAAD Media Awards appearance. You get to learn who is on her Fake TV Wife lists. (Hint: I’m spinning with Wonder and approval.)

And with that, a celebration of Lez Lemon’s gayest moments. Remember, you can’t be gay for one person. Unless you’re a lady, and you meet Tina.

Bi-Curious Shoes

An Adorable Little Lesbian


Your Gay Mom


I Love America


Lesbian Mario Brothers


Lesbian Clown Shirts


A Lady Like to Keep Her Blazer On


Let’s Go Lez


Lesbian Yellow Sour Fruit
Kissing Salma Hayek

And with that you know Tina totally gets us. Because when presented with a once-in-a-lifetime shot at making out with Salma Hayek, she took it. High five, girl! Hey, even a Fake TV Wife gets a freebie list.

Your Fake TV Wife

So the other day my good friend TheLinster gave me a gentle yet firm warning to step off her woman, Elizabeth Mitchell. It was a clear and understandable setting of boundaries. Every friendship needs boundaries. It also highlighted a little-talked-about, but extremely basic tenant of relationships in this modern media age. Everyone has a Fake TV Wife, and that Fake TV Wife is off limits to her friends. I mean that’s just like The Rules of Feminism. This beyond just the Fantasy Freebie list we all have (some of us even laminated). This is about calling dibs, staking a claim, marking one’s territory. This, my friends, is serious business. Now, of course, we don’t mind if our friends appreciate our Fake TV Wives. In fact, we encourage it. Who doesn’t want a hot wife, fake or otherwise? But when it comes to the serious business of actually virtually making a move – whoa there, cowgirl. Hands off. Back away. Don’t even think about it. We take our delusional relationships very seriously here, OK.

Of course, the big caveat to the Fake TV Wife Rule is that it only applies to your friends. I mean, you would hope that strangers would also acknowledge your fictional marriage, but only the truest of friends understand the depth of one’s imaginary commitment. So with that, here is a peek into a few of my friends’ off-limits Fake TV Wives.

Me: Tina Fey, duhIf at this point you still don’t know that Tina is my Fake TV Wife, then I’m not sure we can be friends.

The Linster: Elizabeth MitchellAnd if Elizabeth is wearing a baseball cap, Linster will cut a bitch for even looking at her.

Heather Hogan: Eve MylesA Welsh accent and guns. Like Heather even had a chance.

Scribegrrrl: Meryl StreepGranted, this is more like a Fake Movie Wife, but it’s Meryl fucking Streep, so we’ll accept it.

Right, your turn. Tell me about the women you’ve promised to love, honor and cherish until death and/or reality do you part.

My Weekend Crush

I know I’ve talked about this before, and you know I’m going to talk about this again – but, goddamn, do I love having “Parks and Recreation” and “30 Rock” back-to-back. They are my favorite hilarious hour of television. They require no time shifting, no channel changing, no moving from the couch. Leslie Knope and Liz Lemon were meant to be together. They give us 60 non-stop minutes of fabulously funny female leads together. They give us a continuous stream of endearingly quirky cast members together. Together, they make my Thursday night the best night ever. They truly are my television OTP. The only way it could possibly be better is if they were in the same full hour block together (say, 9-10p.m. – hint, hint) and “Outsourced” didn’t exist at all. God, that show is terrible. It should be illegal for it to follow “Park and Recreation” and “30 Rock.” ILLEGAL. Nothing that unfunny should be allowed within 30 miles, let alone 30 minutes of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey’s brilliance. But I don’t let its presence harsh my buzz, because thanks to a tiny bit of time shifting afterward, I can end my night instead with a tall, cool Sarah Shahi nightcap on “Fairly Legal.” Damn Funny + Damn Pretty = Pretty Damn Funny. Thursday night, I love you. Happy weekend, all.

Parks & Recreation


30 Rock

Bosom Buddies

Tonight, tonight, toooo-NIGHT! Tonight reigning First Ladies of Funny Business and Queens of Smarty Pants Tina Fey and Amy Poehler return to my TV where they belong. “Parks and Recreation” and “30 Rock” debut tonight in their new back-to-back timeslots of 9:30 and 10 p.m. on NBC (which thanks to the FCC is now well on its way to being rebranded as Kabletown). While the schedule shuffling is a little odd (10 o’clock comedy? NBC, have you learned nothing from the Jaypocalypse?), I am beyond thrilled to have my two favorite hilarious hotties on my TV together where they belong. Sure, I’d timeshifted them that way already, but this requires so much less lifting of my remote control. I am nothing if not gloriously lazy about my fanaticisms. What I love so much about Tina’s Liz Lemon and Amy’s Leslie Knope is, of course, their humor and intellect, but also their unabashed feminism. Yes, feminism can be funny. This is the proof. While both shows poke fun at the “F”-word at times, at their core they are built upon a construct that believes women are just as smart, capable and deserving of positions of power and responsibility. They’re just as good (or bad) as the boys, and often even better.

The other thing I love so much about Tina and Amy is their friendship, which has remained a constant through “Saturday Night Live” and the Upright Citizens Brigade and movie stardom and motherhood. Female friendship on screen is often celebrated in a sort of condescending lit candles and wine party sort of way. It’s something to be set to sappy musical montages that may or may not include singing together into a hairbrush. But real female friendship is about shared success, support and strength. Just like the endearingly geeky characters they’ve created in Liz and Leslie, Tina and Amy are fantastic examples to women young and old of what it really means to be a strong woman today. You don’t have to take yourself too seriously, but you never take your talent for granted and you always support each other in your ambitions.

A look at the many looks of Tina & Amy:

SNL Silliness
UCB Silliness
Totally Glam
Totally Butch
Touchy Feely
Really Touchy Feely
Sexy Tennis

Oh, Tina and Amy – thank you for coming back to us. Thank you for being friends. If Tina can’t be my Fake TV Wife, too, I’m at the very least glad she is with such a worthy alternate as Amy. Though, ladies, I am not opposed to some sort of “Big Love” resolution to this situation. Think about it. Tina already admitted you two are working the Oprah & Gayle. I can work with that.

SGALGG: Gay Globes Edition

Whew, what a night. And by “what a night,” I mean I think only Tina Fey escaped without being hilariously insulted by Ricky Gervais. It was a night of super gay triumphs – “The Kids Are All Right,” “Glee.” Heck, Natalie Portman even gave Mila Kunis a special award for her “sweet lips.” All in all, it was a good night for Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. It was also a good night for Straight Gals and Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays and plain-old Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. The Globes really were gay.

SGALGG

Tilda Swinton & Helen MirrenThat hug makes me swoon in the deepest parts of my heart.

Tilda Swinton & Claire DanesTilda, you dog! Does Helen know?

Busy Philipps & Michelle WilliamsThey look like they were just telling each other secrets. Preferably naughty ones.

Amber Riley & Lea MicheleMerBerry?

Naya Rivera & Heather MorrisRyan Murphy, open your eyes.

Piper Perabo & Her PonytailThat’s 1,000 bonus gay girl points for Piper.

Tina Fey & Her NBC PromoShe called her friendship with Amy Poehler, “like Oprah and Gayle, only we’re not denying anything.”

Annette Bening & Julianne MooreThe way Annette is squinting and Julianne is crouching, it’s like they’re still in character as Nic and Jules.

SGGGALGG

Annette Bening & Lisa CholodenkoAnnette is so method, she’s even starting to experience lesbian twin syndrome with Lisa.

Angelina Jolie & Amy PascalEven the high-powered Sony Pictures Entertainment Co-Chairman is doing her best to make a pass at Angie.


GGALGG

Lisa Cholodenko & Wendy MelvoinI wonder if they shared their hair product with Annette.

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThis is what a big scary gay marriage looks like, America. Tremble at its adorability.

Santana & BrittanyClearly they’re in character here. Later, they’ll practice scissoring.

For a full Golden Globes recap, check AfterEllen later today.

Stop trying to make fetch happen

So last night while attempting to watch and understand my first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” (admittedly, jumping into a “Scooby-Doo with lesbians who aren’t Velma” teen mystery show in its second season is a little tricky), I saw an ad for an abomination. As in hell fire, eternal damnation, do not pass go do not collect $200 abomination. Why is there a “Mean Girls 2?” What fuckery is this? The direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2004 film that lacks a) original star Lindsay Lohan, b) original writer or co-star Tina Fey or c) any of the stars, story or – from the more than bland trailer – sophisticated sensibilities of the original. Boo, you whore! After a little research, I found out that Tina wisely declined (repeatedly) to be involved in any sequel shenaniganery. Instead lesbian director Melanie Mayron (the red-head from “thirtysomething”) directed the whole thing. For shame. As I was saying, an abomination.

So to cleanse the palate of such horrors (why, Disney, why must you resurrect something that was perfect and turn it into a Frankenstein monster no one wants?), let’s just celebrate the original. Watching it for the first time in the theater I discovered that a) this Lindsay Lohan girl can act, I hope she grows up nicely, b) this Tina Fey person can do a lot more than tell jokes behind a desk, I want to go to there and c) this movie is like “Heathers” for another generation, but in an amazing non-derivative way. You go, Glen Coco.

“Mean Girls 2” doesn’t even go here.

p.s. The original also gave us this Tina Fey in her bra. No sequel could ever improve on that. Ever.

Girls do make passes at girls who wear glasses

So, I still can’t stop thinking about those smart girls. If there is one accessory that almost automatically adds points to a woman’s IQ, it’s a nice pair of glasses. Give a gal with glasses a book (particularly a book about kissing, like Mia Kirshner above) and be still my big nerdy heart. Now, as some of you might remember, I’m a glasses wearer. I wear contacts most of the time, but I’ve always got my specs on in the evening to write and watch TV and hang about the house. As a kid, I wore glasses full-time – big clunky things that for some incomprehensible reason covered more of my cheeks than my actual eyes. Seriously, were we trying to look through some heretofore unknown fourth eye with those enormous hubcap lenses in the 80s? Back then they used to say “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” But that was before the whole sexy librarian thing really took off. And now, well, I still can’t speak for the guys, but this gal sure likes making passes at girls who wear glasses. In particular, these gals. No need to take your glasses off and shake out your hair, ladies. I mean, feel free to shake out your hair, but definitely keep the glasses on while you do it. Here’s looking at you, four eyes.

Mary-Louise ParkerBig brown eyes behind big brown frames make my knees weak, instantly.

Cate BlanchettBlue eyes behind blue frames ain’t half bad either.

Shirley MansonOf course, gingers can wear whatever color frames they want.

Angelina JolieAnd then sometimes you don’t need any color at all, just the world’s most expertly arched eyebrow.

Anna TorvEverything in this picture works for me. Glasses. V-neck. Ponytail. Laptop. Books. Heck, I even like the lamp.

Padma LakshmiEverything in this picture works for me, too. Plus, I know Padma could cook me an amazing dinner afterwards. And then we’d talk shit about Tom Colicchio.

Sarah ShahiNow that’s what I call a nice pair – of glasses.

Helena Bonham CarterThis whole ensemble is crazy. But crazy good, not crazy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Rachel MaddowOh, to have her look over her Clark Kent glasses and talk dirty, dirty politics to me.

Tina FeyOh, please, like I wasn’t going to include her.

Marlee Matlin & Jennifer BealsThis is them, the insane hubcap-sized glasses we used to wear in the 80s. Of course, they look fine on Marlee and Jennifer. Whatever, I’m not jealous. Though, we probably shouldn’t talk about the hair.

Oh, and one other sexy thing about glasses? When things get steamy, so do they.

The cruelest cut

I talk about my love for Tina Fey endlessly a lot here. I make no apologies for my unabashed Feyminism. But every now and then, it doesn’t hurt to have a reminder of exactly, precisely, without-a-doubt why I love her. And today that reminder is in the segment PBS cut from her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech.

“And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women — except, of course, those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape kit ‘n’ stuff. But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years. Whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know, actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.”

See it for yourself here:

[Sorry the right side is cut off, stupid parameters.
Tina nails it at 12 minutes and 30 seconds mark.]

Boom. I love the smell of roasted Mama Grizzlies in the morning, it smells like victory over hypocrisy. Also, s’mores. Well, it would have if PBS had actually aired the bit in question. According to The Washington Post, PBS executives say the quote was trimmed for length. The show ran 19 minutes over and every presenter apparently had his/her segment snipped.

PBS also trimmed Tina’s individual shout-outs and thanks to presenters and friends, which she herself acknowledged “we’re probably going to cut this part for the broadcast.” But to then snip such an obviously political and pointed part of her speech seems, well, off. I mean, about 20 minutes of the 90-minute show were clips from her past work anyway. You can’t cut clips?

What the hell, PBS? You are PBS. Everyone knows you are liberal elite lunatics already. Go with it. You’re not fooling anyone. And, speaking of not fooling anyone, give it up with the Bert and Ernie are “just roommates” stuff. Yeah, for 40 years.

The best humor cuts through the clutter and lays bare simple truths. It doesn’t have to be political, often it’s about the mundane. But we relate, if sometimes through nervous laughter, because of its core truth. And whether PBS cut the Sarah Palin slam out of misplaced anxiety or overactive politeness or wussy fear of the new Republican Congress cutting its funding, it was the wrong call. Boo, PBS, no reusable canvas tote bag for you.

To extrapolate wildly from this one incident and make broad generalizations (What? It’s my blog and I can extrapolate wildly if I want to.), this timidity is sadly endemic in our media – political or otherwise – these days. We like to push this canard that there are two equal sides to every story. Sometimes, believe me, there just aren’t. Not all opinions are created equal. Some are based on fear and ignorance and flat-out lies. That doesn’t mean you don’’ have the right to that opinion – you absolutely do. Believe, think, say whatever you want. But I don’t have to give it as much weight as an opinion based in fact.

Fact are not political, or at least they shouldn’t be. So when someone like Christine O’Donnell, who doesn’t even know that the separation between church and state is built into the First Amendment, gets thisclose to going to Congress, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. When Sen. John McCain’s constant flip-flopping on his reasons for opposing the DADT repeal isn’t called out when he moves the goalpost yet again, we’ve failed as a media on a very basic level. (And don’t get me started on Cindy McCain’s about-face (more like two-face)on DADT. Did old man yell at more than lawn to make you go from bold equality backer to cowardly intolerance back tracker in 2.5 days?). When the daughter of the almost vice president of the United States of America uses gay slurs on Facebook and we don’t question the mentality that allows that, we’ve failed on a very basic level.

Let’s be honest here. The Mama Grizzlies aren’t feminists. They aren’t good for all women. They’re good for people who believe a very specific, very conservative ideology. Which, if you believe those things, good for you. But let’s not buy into the lie that their victories are ours. They are not. For many of us, they’re just a disaster. Preach it Tina, preach.

Funniest Fey

Tina Fey was on TV winning a major award last night and you thought I wasn’t going to write about it today? It’s like you don’t even know me at all. My Fake TV Wife was on PBS last night picking up her Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center. You know, it’s just the highest American honor for comedy. No big whoop. And Tina is just the third woman and youngest recipient to ever receive the honor. Ain’t no thing. Also, she looked gorgeous and was hilarious and made me want to hug her with my legs in friendship, except more than friendship since we’re fake married and all and – wait, is this getting weird? Just in case, watch this.

Also, because my internet went out for several hours last night, I spent my time waiting for it to come back up making screencaps. So if you want to write an angry letter of complaint about the following picspam, please address it to Comcast.

[Click any to embiggen]

Adorable TinaOh, that slightly crooked smile.

Unimpressed TinaMostly by her own hype, in true Liz Lemon style.

How You Doin’ TinaThat would totally work on me, but then you already all knew that.

Scoldy TinaThat would also totally work on me, and now you’re probably all weirded out that you know that.

Muffin Top, LIVE!I would go see an entire musical review of “30 Rock” numbers. Seriously.

Congratulations, honey. Now, as far as letters in the acronym go, you are half way to an EGOTMTP.

UPDATE: This was cut from Tina's acceptance speech by PBS. I have to say, bad call Public Television. This gives her speech bite. And, of course, MAKES ME LOVE HER MORE.

"And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women — except, of course, those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape kit ‘n’ stuff. But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years. Whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know, actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster."

- via The Washington Post