Tank Top Tuesday: Gay it Forward

You know, I’m supposed to notice Stephanie March’s big yellow bandana. Because, you know, it’s yellow. But you know what I notice, well, besides the tank top? Her watch. That’s a big gay watch. Now, of course, I know Stephanie isn’t gay. She’s got Bobby freaking Flay cooking for her at home. But, she does play gay convincingly (as the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian on “30 Rock”). And, of course, gives good subtext with one Det. Olivia Benson. So, wait, where was I going with this? Oh right, those who play gay for our pleasure. Sometimes, they also wear pretty gay things for our pleasure, too. Like watches. And, of course, my personal favorite – tank tops.

Elizabeth MitchellElizabeth has earned the honorary hot plate for playing gay not once, not twice but three times. If she does a fourth, I say we have it bronzed.



Penelope CruzPenelope has only done it twice for us – but it was Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson, respectively. So, you know, good job.



Charlize TheronFine, so also played a lesbian serial killer. But, you know, nobody’s perfect.



Shay MitchellPoor dear, “A” made Emily a juicer. Though on the plus side, think of the muscle definition.



Patricia ClarksonSometimes I still expect her to talk with a German slur, like Greta from “High Art.”



Zoe SaldanaShe got to make out with Mila Kunis before it was Oscar-worthy to make out with Mila Kunis.



Piper PeraboAlso a twofer, but let’s be honest, we’ll love her forever just for kissing Lena.



Jenny ShimizuShe doesn’t have to play. She just is. My, is she ever.

Thanks for gaying it forward, ladies. And, yes, the tank tops.



EDIT: Looks like Piper and Penelope get their honorary hot plates as well for making the third time the charm. We anxiously await their fourth.

Picture perfect

KITTENS! Did you miss me? I missed you! So much! Like crazy! I had an aces vacation though. I got to see Italy for the very first time. I got to wade into the Mediterranean Sea for the very first time. I ate pretty much every carb I could find across five countries. I learned that instead of exchanging our worthless dollars for Euros, Americans should just bring suitcases full of Converse and Coca-Cola to barter with instead. And, of course, I took lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of the beautiful Tuscan landscape. Pictures of the impossibly azure water. Pictures of food, glorious food. And, yes, even a few pictures of myself. (If you’re so inclined, you can catch a few of my holiday snaps over at Ms. Snarker Regrets.) What I learned is that taking good pictures is hard and that I should probably stick to this word thing. But that’s not to dissuade others from lifting a lens. And, if the lady behind said lens happens to be lovely herself – like the luscious Rosario Dawson – well, all the better. Say cheese, darlings.

Marion CotillardLight, camera, drool.

Naomi WattsMy what a big…lens you have. Yes, lens, definitely lens.

Diane KrugerThis is exactly how I looked reviewing my vacation pictures in the hotel room. And by “exactly,” I mean that I too had a suitcase and a camera.

Kristen BellSome Kristens seen perennially sunny in front of a camera.

Kristen StewartSome do not.

Helena Bonham CarterOh, Helena, if I was wearing that outfit I’d insist on being the one behind the camera as well.

Penelope CruzThere should, however, be some sort of law that Penelope only gets to be on the receiving end of a camera lens.

Mena SuvariWhere’d she go? Remember when she was everywhere?

Drew BarrymoreHey, it’s Thursday. And nothing says, “Welcome back from vacation,” like a little Gender Fuck.

It’s good to be back, kittens. It’s good to be back.

Naked Lady Monday: Black & White Edition

Admit it, things seem classier in black and white. So what might look like just a naked lady in color will look like an artistic naked lady in black and white. Such is the power of the monochrome. So then we feel a little better about ogling because, you know, the art and culture and stuff. Just look at Kristin Scott Thomas pulling her best Joan of Arc. That’s not just classy nakedness, it’s historical. Black and white can turn “nekkid” back to “naked.” Wait, is that a good thing? Regardless, a little black and white is exactly what is in order this Monday, to help turn make might otherwise be NSFW into a refined collection of semi-nude portraiture. Or, at least, that’s what you can tell your boss.

Deborah Ann WollI just finished watching season 3 of “True Blood” and Jessica was criminally, criminally underused. Criminally so.

Amber HeardHot. Gay. Hot some more.

Charlotte GainsbourgNo one wears scarves better than French women.

Penelope CruzThe curve of a woman’s back is one of the ways we know we live in a benevolent universe.

Olivia WildeThe round of a woman’s bum is another.

Charlotte RamplingLet’s make it a rule that all women named “Charlotte” need to get naked today.

Rosario DawsonRosario isn’t nude. But she’s not wearing pants either. Totally counts.

Heather MorrisYeah, so no wonder Santana is doing everything she can do to win Brittany back.

EDIT: Whoops, that should be Naked Lady Monday not Naked Lady Woman. Though there ain’t nothing wrong with a naked lady woman. Nothing at all.

Seeing (RED)

I have had very involved, very sweaty dreams that did not result in as much wish fulfillment as this picture. Meryl Streep with Penelope Cruz , no check that – a topless Penelope Cruz. Oh, swoon. And they’re making beautiful picture together for a good cause, namely the international (RED) campaign to fight AIDS in Africa. But it doesn’t stop there. Penelope brought a bunch of her friends together (along with the incomparable Ms. Streep), to help her in her guest editing stint of the May 2010 issue of Vogue Paris. I want to go to there.

To be a fly on that wall. I realized, while studiously pouring over the photo, that all of the assembled actresses have played gay except, I believe, Gwyneth Paltrow (though she cross-dressed in “Shakespeare in Love,” for what that’s worth). So that knowledge makes the pairing even more delicious.

How are we supposed to process all the gorgeous in this picture?

(Kate Winslet & Penelope Cruz)

In this picture Gwyneth is working hard to make amends for not having played gay before.

(Gwyneth Paltrow & Penelope Cruz)

This picture is a perfect example of how a T-Shirt should be worn. Seriously, take notes.

(Naomi Watts)

I can’t wait to see her kiss Annette Bening, even if this picture makes Julianne looks like a lost waif in a wind tunnel.

(Julianne Moore)

And finally, this picture just makes me want to hug Penelope for bringing this much pretty together in one place. Also, for not wearing pants.

(Penelope Cruz)

If I must see red this Monday, this is truly the best possible way.

Tank Top Tuesday: Oscar Edition

Say hello to the only time of the year that a tiny bald man gets me hot and bothered. Yes, it’s Oscar time. This morning the nominations were released and many deserving films (and a few undeserving ones) were honored as the year’s best. An unprecedented 10 movies are up for Best Picture. Though, we all know it’s a horse race between the giant blue Smurfs of “Avatar” and the explosive soldiers of “The Hurt Locker.” But enough about that, how about those ladies? All of the actresses have proven their talent through their marvelous performance this year. And, just as important, they all look fantastic in a tank top (or darn close to tank tops). What? Just because the Academy Awards are prestigious doesn’t mean I can’t be shallow. Happy Tuesday, you magnificent Oscar nominees, you.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”Carey Muligan, “An Education”

Gaborey Sibide, “Precious”Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Penelope Cruz, “Nine”Vera Farmiga , “Up in the Air”

Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”Mo’Nique, “Precious”And, lest we forget, Best DirectorKathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”

Kick those boys’ asses, Kathryn.