Unless all the other nominees fall into a “Rabbit Hole” (puns, puns!) and therefore clear the field for a Nicole Kidman upset, whoever wins for best actress or supporting actress this year will be taking home her very first shiny naked gold man. Well, fine, I don’t want to make any assumptions about these women’s sexual peccadilloes so to be safe let us say their first shiny naked gold man named Oscar – without private parts or facial features, and holding a sword. Right, so my point is that the vast majority of the actresses nominated for Academy Awards this year haven’t won before. No wins for Annette Bening, no wins for Natalie Portman, no wins for Helena Bonham Carter, no wins for Amy Adams. Nada. But that could all change for two lucky ladies. (Though until then, please feel free to ogle their award-winning
tank top form as a consolation prize.)
Still, there are so many other ridiculously talented actresses who won’t have that chance this year and are likewise trophyless. Like, did you know Greta Garbo and Judy Garland never won an acting Oscar? No wonder Garbo wanted to be left alone – the shame. And there are plenty of modern-day actresses who have never gotten their proper due. Here is a look at a ten of today’s continual bridesmaids, never a bride when it comes to the shiny naked golden man.
Julianne Moore
Julianne has been nominated four times (“The End of the Affair,” “Boogie Nights,” “Far From Heaven,” “The Hours”). More often than not, Moore picks interesting, off-beat projects over commercial, big-budget offerings. And she is ready and quite convincing at playing gay from “The Hours” to “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” to “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.”She should have been nominated alongside Annette. I mean, if she can make a totally ludicrous stalker flick like “Chloe” watchable, she should have a whole separate room in her house just to hold all of her Oscars already.
Glenn Close
Glenn Close has not won an Oscar. Yeah, let that sink into the little gray cells. Five nominations (“The World According to Garp,” “The Big Chill,” “The Natural,” “Fatal Attraction,” “Dangerous Liasons”) and no wins yet Mira Sorvino, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roberto Benigni all have acting Oscars.
Sigourney Weaver
Everything I said above, ditto. Three nominations for Sigourney (“Aliens,” “Gorillas in the Mist,” “Working Girl”) and no wins. Don’t make her get into that hydraulic robot suit from “Aliens” and crush some heads, people.
Naomi Watts
The first time I saw Naomi was in the dream within a nightmare within a blue box that was “Mulholland Dr.” When she made the transformation from Betty to Diane, I didn’t even recognize her for a minute. And then I knew – I knew this one was special. Only one nomination so for “21 Grams,” but that’ll change. It has to.
Angela Bassett
Angela only has one nomination for 1993’s searing “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but that’s not for lack of talent but the paucity of strong roles for actresses of color, period. Come on, she’s been giving us two tickets to the gun show for years, the least we could do is invite her to a few more award shows.
Michelle Pfeiffer
I think the problem with Michelle is that she is so damn beautiful that sometimes you forget she can act. Three nominations (“Dangerous Liasons,” “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” “Love Field”) prove she can. But once you see that face, you’re all, “Um, wait, what were we talking about?”
Laura Linney
Laura is one of those people I fear will never win because she is always good, always. In fact, she is so good we take her for granted. But being that consistent isn’t luck, it’s hard work – like her three nominated roles (“You Can Count on Me,” “Kinsey,” “The Savages”). Well, at least she is doing well for herself on TV.
Catherine Keener
Nominated twice (“Being John Malkovich,” “Capote”), Catherine is another one of those unendingly dependable actresses. But just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is. Also, dude, she’s Dawn Denbo’s sister.
Salma Hayek
Don’t let the accent fool you, Salma is good. Her one nominated turn in “Frida” was great. And – think about it nominating committees – why would you ever pass up the opportunity to have Salma in a form-fitting ball gown on your red carpet? That opportunity you’re missing is golden.
Lauren Bacall
In 1996, when Lauren lost in an upset to Juliette Binoche after her first and only nomination for “The Mirror Has Two Face,” you could almost see her mentally telling Juliette to put her lips together and blow.
So many snubs, so many ways that blows.
God, did you make it through all 127 hours of the Oscars telecast? Did anyone find James Franco’s personality? Or, better yet, could he have just shared whatever he was smoking with all of us. That way it would have been a much more enjoyable experience for all parties involved. Though, despite the show falling in its desperate attempt to be young and breaking its hipness, there were still some quality Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals moments. I mean, the show’s one conscious host Anne Hathaway herself called it “a great year for lesbians.”
Busy was Michele’s date for the Oscars, and they even arrived holding hands. Someone needs to give them a portmanteau tout de suite.
I can’t tell if I’m more excited by the SGALGGy hug or the arm porn. Probably both.
I will pay good money to whoever has the next photo in this sequence. Kiss her you fool!
Marisa looks like she’s about to jump into Melissa’s arms. And then, in my head, they do the dramatic lift from “Dirty Dancing.”
While the Bieber kid looks more lesbian, Selena and Taylor make a cuter couple.
The best thing about this picture is how badly Judd Apatow wants to make this a foursome and how defiantly the ladies are keeping it a threesome.
What I would not give to hear a “Take Me or Leave Me” duet between those two.
I’m assuming Reese just said something absolutely filthy about what she was going to do with that finger and Elizabeth approves.
If only Anne had hosted with herself and her tuxedoed self, instead of James Franco. It would have been so much more entertaining, and hot.
I particularly love how they both look like they’ve been caught in the act. Busted, Achele, busted.
Out lesbian sound mixer Lora Hirschberg won for Inception and got a smooch on her way to the stage.
Unless all the other nominees fall into a “Rabbit Hole” (puns, puns!) and therefore clear the field for a Nicole Kidman upset, whoever wins for best actress or supporting actress this year will be taking home her very first shiny naked gold man. Well, fine, I don’t want to make any assumptions about these women’s sexual peccadilloes so to be safe let us say their first shiny naked gold man named Oscar – without private parts or facial features, and holding a sword. Right, so my point is that the vast majority of the actresses nominated for Academy Awards this year haven’t won before. No wins for Annette Bening, no wins for Natalie Portman, no wins for Helena Bonham Carter, no wins for Amy Adams. Nada. But that could all change for two lucky ladies. (Though until then, please feel free to ogle their award-winning tank top form as a consolation prize.)
Julianne has been nominated four times (“The End of the Affair,” “Boogie Nights,” “Far From Heaven,” “The Hours”). More often than not, Moore picks interesting, off-beat projects over commercial, big-budget offerings. And she is ready and quite convincing at playing gay from “The Hours” to “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” to “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.”She should have been nominated alongside Annette. I mean, if she can make a totally ludicrous stalker flick like “Chloe” watchable, she should have a whole separate room in her house just to hold all of her Oscars already.
Glenn Close has not won an Oscar. Yeah, let that sink into the little gray cells. Five nominations (“The World According to Garp,” “The Big Chill,” “The Natural,” “Fatal Attraction,” “Dangerous Liasons”) and no wins yet Mira Sorvino, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roberto Benigni all have acting Oscars.
Everything I said above, ditto. Three nominations for Sigourney (“Aliens,” “Gorillas in the Mist,” “Working Girl”) and no wins. Don’t make her get into that hydraulic robot suit from “Aliens” and crush some heads, people.
The first time I saw Naomi was in the dream within a nightmare within a blue box that was “Mulholland Dr.” When she made the transformation from Betty to Diane, I didn’t even recognize her for a minute. And then I knew – I knew this one was special. Only one nomination so for “21 Grams,” but that’ll change. It has to.
Angela only has one nomination for 1993’s searing “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but that’s not for lack of talent but the paucity of strong roles for actresses of color, period. Come on, she’s been giving us two tickets to the gun show for years, the least we could do is invite her to a few more award shows.
I think the problem with Michelle is that she is so damn beautiful that sometimes you forget she can act. Three nominations (“Dangerous Liasons,” “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” “Love Field”) prove she can. But once you see that face, you’re all, “Um, wait, what were we talking about?”
Laura is one of those people I fear will never win because she is always good, always. In fact, she is so good we take her for granted. But being that consistent isn’t luck, it’s hard work – like her three nominated roles (“You Can Count on Me,” “Kinsey,” “The Savages”). Well, at least she is doing well for herself on TV.
Nominated twice (“Being John Malkovich,” “Capote”), Catherine is another one of those unendingly dependable actresses. But just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is. Also, dude, she’s Dawn Denbo’s sister.
Don’t let the accent fool you, Salma is good. Her one nominated turn in “Frida” was great. And – think about it nominating committees – why would you ever pass up the opportunity to have Salma in a form-fitting ball gown on your red carpet? That opportunity you’re missing is golden.
In 1996, when Lauren lost in an upset to Juliette Binoche after her first and only nomination for “The Mirror Has Two Face,” you could almost see her mentally telling Juliette to put her lips together and blow.
Hey, lots of pretty ladies in lots of pretty dresses hugged each other last night! Oh, and they also handed out some awards. And some really pretty ladies in really pretty dresses won them! Really, the theme for the night was, “Go pretty ladies in pretty dresses!” Or, slightly less reductive, “Hooray for women in entertainment who have reached the pinnacle of their professional careers all the while breaking down barriers and making history.” In pretty dresses. And with that, it’s time for the very special Oscar edition of Straight Gals* Acting Like Gay Gals. (*With the exception of Jodie, of course. Also, jury’s still out on K-Stew. Edit: And, I know, they played mom and daughter. All of this is clearly make believe.)
Elizabeth looks a little like she pulled down the left strap to Tina’s dress. I like how she thinks.
If Oprah’s hand was one inch closer, Gayle would be sooo jealous.
Mostly Demi is just a Straight Gal Acting Like a Drunk Gal. But that’s how many a SGALGG moment starts off. Remember college?
Meryl just asking a very pregnant Amy, “It’s not mine, is it?”
Sandy thanked, “my lover, Meryl” and called her “SUCH a good kisser.” So kiss her, you fool.
Look, Meryl, if you don’t kiss Sandy soon Helen will. You snooze, you lose.
Sigourney has just told Anna how they would earn their Mile High Club membership if they were both “Up in the Air.”
Amanda is letting Miley down easy here. A gal’s got to have standards, you know.
How much do you want to jump in between that soon-to-be sandwich?
Barbra to Kathryn: “Darling, you’re like buttah.”
Nothing SGALGG-y here, just thought the GGs reading might enjoy the fact that both these ladies mistakenly thought they were going to the Golden Globes. Ahem.
Lover’s quarrel.
Say hello to the only time of the year that a tiny bald man gets me hot and bothered. Yes, it’s Oscar time. This morning the nominations were released and many deserving films (and a few undeserving ones) were honored as the year’s best. An unprecedented 10 movies are up for Best Picture. Though, we all know it’s a horse race between the giant blue Smurfs of “Avatar” and the explosive soldiers of “The Hurt Locker.” But enough about that, how about those ladies? All of the actresses have proven their talent through their marvelous performance this year. And, just as important, they all look fantastic in a tank top (or darn close to tank tops). What? Just because the Academy Awards are prestigious doesn’t mean I can’t be shallow. Happy Tuesday, you magnificent Oscar nominees, you.
Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
Carey Muligan, “An Education”
Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”
Vera Farmiga , “Up in the Air”
Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique, “Precious”
And, lest we forget, Best Director
Kathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”
