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Jessica Claire Biel (born March 3, 1982 in Ely, Minnesota, U.S.A.) is an American actress, model, and occasional singer. Biel is known for her television role as Mary Camden in the long-running family-drama series 7th Heaven. She has also appeared in several Hollywood films, including Summer Catch, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Illusionist, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and The A-Team. www.GutterUncensored.com
Now I know that just as you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, it’s unfair to judge a movie by its trailer. But fairness is apparently now the trademarked domain of Fox News (at least that’s what the notes I scribbled on my palm say), so let’s judge away. Here’s the thing, “Valentine’s Day” looks awful. Like that Valentine’s Day candy that comes in the enormous, glossy, heart-shaped box awful. It’s sweet, it’s shiny, it’s expensive but inside it’s filled with nothing but those awful strawberry creams that make you gag after two bites. Harsh? I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day, haven’t I?Valentine’s Day
Yeah, no comparison.
There are downgrades and then there are downgrades. Going from Colin Firth to Ashton Kutcher is the latter. Not that I have anything personally against the, what, 600 big-name movie stars in “Valentine’s Day.” Anne Hathaway, lovely. Jennifer Garner, so girl next doory you’d think she actually lived next door. Jessica Biel, you’ve seen her in a tank top, right? It’s the forced combination in a movie by Garry Marshall (a man who wields romance like a club), that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, did you hear they’ve already working on a sequel called “New Year’s Eve?” Welcome to Love, The Brand. No, thank you.
Also, “Valentine’s Day” purposely de-gays the gay couple (that’d be Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane) in the trailer. So, you know, BOO!
What made “Love Actually” so universally heartwarming was its all-too-human elements. It never felt calculated or corporatized. It never featured a couple with the same first name, where they weren’t also of the same sex. But it did have Emma Thompson. Any film with Emma Thompson will always and forever win out over any film that doesn’t. Period. Laugh that big, loud, trademark laugh of yours all you want, Julia Roberts. You know it’s true.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, enjoy your big, gooey-centered Hollywood extravaganza if you must. Which, inevitably, will be followed by “New Year’s Eve,” “Thanksgiving Dinner,” “Fourth of July” and “Secretary’s Day.” But know that I’ll be at home rewatching “Love Actually” and swooning all over again. Love is all around, you just need to know where to look.
I like my women doing everyday things in tank tops. Because the unique charms of the tank are applicable in almost any situation. Like with our friend Alexandra Hedison grabbing a bite to eat. Glad she decided against buttering that toast though, because we all know her penchant for getting carried away with knives. My point, and do have something close to one, is that the tank top is a versatile accessory which is appropriate for any activity.
When considering how best to recycle the morning paper.
When quenching one’s thirst after a day of garden work.
When moisturizing before bedtime.
When contemplating the theory of relativity.
When plotting how to rip off the mob and have great lesbian sex.
When hunting vampires, duh.
When stewing over the injustice of canceling “Pushing Daisies.”
When thoughtfully testing the room temperature before guests arrive. Verdict: It’s a little nippy.