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B-I-N-G-O!
(click to enlarge)
B-I-N-G-O!
(click to enlarge)
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Thinking Allowed
¡Hola! Everybody...
A little bit of humor…
A little bit of humor…
* * *
-=[ Thinking Allowed ]=-
Or: Thinking Aloud
Quick! Stash away your brain. Yes, you know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I know you don’t use most of it (the unused 90% is higher for teabaggers). However, the editors here at the [un]Common Sense Blog have discovered that your brain is illegal. The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds of peyote, even though one of them, dopamine, is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.
::watches disdainfully as some fools set their brains on fire::
So much for the “they hate us and our freedoms” view of Islam. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source).
And this here from our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.”
At last! A man I can admire. A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. I’ve been trying to tell women this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)
From our historical department comes the following gem: The first humans to arrive in Hawaii were led by “wayfinders.” These miracle workers navigated uncharted seas by reading star positions, discerning weather patterns, and interpreting the ocean’s colors and movements. Shoot, I know some families can’t make it to Disney world with a map without killing each other along the way! More than seven centuries before a few European men dared to sail beyond the safe boundaries of their known world, entire Polynesian families crossed the vast expanses of the Pacific Ocean in, yup, catamarans.
I’ve been reading again, folks. Yup. In his book The Naked Woman, best-selling author/ biologist Desmond Morris (The Naked Ape), takes us beyond the G-spot. He says that in addition to the G-spot, women have three other highly sensitive erotic zones in the vagina. He calls them the A-Spot, C-Spot, and U-Spot (more to come at a later sex blog).
From our “subversive acts” files: a few years ago, members of the Barbie Liberation Organization sneaked into toy stores and swapped the voice boxes of 300 GI Joe and Barbie Dolls. Boys who later purchased the plastic soldiers were shocked to hear the toys make comments such as, “I like to go shopping with you,” while the girls who came to own the mutated Barbies heard commands like, “to the front lines, men!” (click here to view video)
Finally, our crack research team (really a Dominicana with a great ass!) came up with the following morsel: In her book, A Natural History of the Senses, Diane Ackerman observes that in many cultures the word for kiss means smell. “A kiss is really a prolonged smelling of one’s beloved, relative, or friend,” she writes. “Members of a tribe in New Guinea said good-bye by putting a hand in each other’s armpit, withdrawing it, and stroking it over themselves, thus becoming coated with the friend’s scent. Other cultures sniff each other or rub noses.” Now, before you get all culturally myopic on me, please note that my preferred manner is to put my hand in the crack of your ass while I’m kissing you and then smelling my hand.
I lurrrrve the baby powder!
Love,
Eddie
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
¡Ask a Nuyorican!
¡Hola! Everybody...
It’s National HisPanic Month (or something like that) and as the resident Nuyorican, I’ll be posting almost exclusively on things Latino/a over at my blog.
It’s National HisPanic Month (or something like that) and as the resident Nuyorican, I’ll be posting almost exclusively on things Latino/a over at my blog.
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-=[ Ask a Nuyorican]=-
Being a Primer on How to be a Nuyorican via Cuss Words, Sex, and Everything Else
So, I was reading ¡Ask A Mexican! by Gustavo Arellano and I found it hilarious. I was thinking that since the messakins have such a reference source, then the second largest Latino/a demographic, people of Puerto Rican descent, should be similarly honored. After all, in the northeast and in places like Chicago, Puerto Ricans are most likely the majority of Latino/as you will run into. Shit, we even have a tight-knit clan in Hawaii, part of the unintended result of Operation Bootstrap. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself here and I don’t want to give anyone a headache.
Notice the word in my title, Nuyorican? Well, a Nuyorican is a person of Puerto Rican descent or birth who was born or raised in New York City. Lots of Dominicans and Cubans ad assorted other Latino/as try to pass themselves off a Nuyoricans, but you can tell us apart right away: we’re the first ones to speak up.
Now, if you’re from the South or the West Coast, you might not even know what a Puerto Rican is or that Puerto Rico is a colony of the good old U.S. of A. Yup, that’s right. Puerto Rico, a small island in the Caribbean, is one of the oldest colonies on the planet (a distinction we share with our Irish brothers and sisters).
As a result of the Jones Act, we are citizens of the USA. Not that we asked for it. In fact, we had nothing to do with it, since our little islita was part of the spoils of the Spanish-American War. But in any case, we are US citizens, so all you black and white Americanos who are too stupid to know your own country’s geography and who are about to ask me for my green card -- I got yer fuckin’ green card...
::right here::
I once had to set a Southern educator straight while attempting to register my younger brother in school, dumb fuckin’ hick. A teacher should know American history/ geography, right?
Now that we got that out of the way... we can move on to the juicier stuff! Let’s start with language. This is by no means an exhaustive list and I hope to continue adding to it, but it will have to suffice for now...
¡ <-- See that upside-down exclamation point? That’s how I usually start my blogs... It’s usually used in front of an exclamatory sentence. ¡Ho sweat! Your ass is showing!
There are other important punctuation issues, such as the upside-down question mark and the tilde which transforms an n into something that sounds like enye (ñ) (like Enya, the gringa singer, except with a short e sound at the end), but I’m not getting into that today. I want to get to the important shit, like cuss words and shit. Now, some of these cuss words won’t have the same effect or meaning with other Latino/as. Bicho, for example means mosquito for a Cuban. You hear Cubans all the time talking about that bicho is bothering them, or how they want to swat a bicho away.
::blank stare::
However, for a Nuyorican bicho means penis, dick, cock.
Alguinaldo: Puerto Rican jibaro (“hillbilly”) music. Often uses the cautro, a guitar of Puerto Rican origin.
Ame-Rican: Another way of saying Nuyorican.
Americano: an Americano is anyone from the US regardless of skin color. Nuyoricans use this term instead of the Mexican preferred gringo. Most Nuyoricans wouldn’t be caught saying something as corny as gringo (or “esai” for that matter!). If you ain’t Latino/a then you’re an Americano.
Ay Clean: A Spanglish word meaning “ice cream.” The correct word is mantecado.
Barrio: Neighborhood, community -- analogous to da 'hood in ebonics.
Bellaco/a: A lustful or horny individual. That Eddie es un bellaco malo. Or, that girl has the eyes of a bellaca!
Bicho: A term used to denote a penis (also called a pinga).
Bolas: Literally “balls” but used to refer to a man’s testicles (also called huevos)
Bomba: An African-derived rhythm indigenous to Puerto Rico.
Borinquen/ Boricua: Borinquen is the original name of the island christened Puerto Rico by Christopher Columbus. A Boricua is someone from the island Borinquen. However, the terms have a more important psychological function for Nuyoricans. It’s the psycho-spiritual birthplace of all Puerto Ricans, whether they were born there or not. Some Nuyoricans use Borinquen to describe parts of the Bronx. Nuyoricans like to say, “I wasn’t born in Puerto rico, but Puerto Rico was born in me.”
The word Borinquen translates to “the great land of the valiant and noble Lord.” Boricua has been popularized in the island and abroad by descendents of Puerto Rican heritage, commonly using the phrase, Yo soy Boricua (“I am Boricua,” or, “I am Puerto Rican”) to identify themselves as Puerto Ricans. Another variation which is also widely used is Borincano which translated means “from Borinquen.”
Cabron: A cabron is literally a castrated goat, but if a Nuyorican calls you a cabron you should take umbrage because it means that your wife is fuckin' another man, you know it, and put up with it.
Callejero: A street person. Someone who hangs out in the streets of el barrio. Often an individual who lives on the margins of society.
Cano: A light-skinned Puerto Rican. A PR with European features.
Cachapera: A lesbian. I forget the etymology but I think its origin has to do with a word meaning to rub, because the homophobic stereotype of two women rubbing their chochas together. Don’t ask...
Cariño: love, affection.
Chancleta: a house slipper, but also a Nuyorican mother’s preferred tool for corporal punishment.
Chancletazo: Getting hit by a chancleta.
Chichar: To fornicate.
Chiclet: A Spanglish word of Nuyorican origin meaning bubble gum. Taken from the company of the same name that produces bubble gum.
Chingar: Same as chichar. Nuyoricans do not use chinga in the same way messakins do -- as in chinga tu madre (motherfucker). You would never hear a Nuyorican say something like that, we consider it provincial. More likely, a Nuyorican would say, Vamos a chingar, negrita linda (“Let’s fuck, you sweet thing you.”)
Chino/a: Literally “Chinese,” but chino/a is a phrase Nuyoricans use to denote all Asians regardless of their country of origin, and even Latino/as who look Asian. It’s also used as a term of endearment.
Chocha: A term used to denote a vagina (also called a toto).
Chulo/a: A term of affection -- someone who is sweet and attractive.
Cocolo: In the USA, this is a pejorative term for African-Americans. In PR, it’s a term for PRs who embrace their African roots (or like salsa). So, you can be light-skinned and still be considered a cocolo.
Come Mierda: Literally “shit eater.” Denoting a person who’s full of shit and kisses excessive ass. Often used by Nuyoricans in reasoned debate. Also used by Nuyoricans as a pejorative for Cubans and other conservatives of color.
Conflei: Spanglish for morning cereal (“corn flakes”)
Coño: The Spanish vernacular for “damn.” Nuyoricans use this as often as messakins use the word chinga. It’s an all-purpose curse word. It can be used when you experience pain: Coño, that shit hurt! or when something fascinating or superlative happens: Coño! That shawtie has a big culo!
Creeka: I’m not sure if the spelling’s correct (it’s slang, so who knows), but it means vagina. Of all the words meaning vagina, this one is probably considered the most coarse. It’s often used to describe someone in a bad way, as in cara 'e creeka (creeka face).
Cuero: Literally meaning the cured skin of an animal, like a leather. Used as a descriptor for a woman considered loose -- a woman of low morals. Esa mujer es un cuero.
Culeca/o: A horny or overly flirtatious person.
Culo: Every Nuyorican man’s obsession.
De Cachete: Literally “of the cheek,” but meaning getting something for free.
Dumb-in-a-cans: A messed up way of referring to our Dominican brothers and sisters. A play on the word “Dominicans.” Three ethnic enclaves that are closely related culturally speaking are: Cubans, Dominicans, and Puerto Ricans. As with all groups, there are intra-cultural tensions. The stereotype being that Dominicans are the stupid ones, the Cubans are the shit-eaters (come mierdas), and Puerto Ricans are the lazy.
Grifa: A term used to describe people who are light-skinned but have wiry/ wooly hair. Like some Jewish people would be called grifos as well as hinchos.
Hincho: Someone who’s so white, they’re pink.
Hola: A form of greeting, as in “hello.” No, it doesn’t mean, “holla” and it’s pronounced with the h silent: oh-la
Huevos: Literally eggs, but often used to denote testciles (also called bolas).
India/o: A term denoting Puerto Ricans who resemble the original inhabitants of Borinquen -- the Taino Indians. Also used as a term of endearment (PRs use almost anything as a term of endearment).
Jibaro: Literally “hillbilly.” At one time, Nuyoricans were ashamed of their roots and jibaro was used as a pejorative. Later, jibaro became an icon for young Puerto Rican people who were embracing their roots as part of a mass identity movement.
La Jara: Spanglish for the police. The word came about because so many NYC police officers were called “O'Hara.” the J in Spanish has the H sound, so Nuyoricans would exclaim “la Jara, la Jara!” when the police were coming.
Mami: An affectionate form of madre (mother). Nuyoricans also use to refer to their loved ones Mami Chula or women they find attractive, Oye Mami! Oftentimes it’s diminutive mamita is used in this context.
Maricón: Literally an insult questioning a man’s sexual preference, a homoesexual, but often used as a substitute for the Anglo motherfucker.
Maricón sin Tetas: A vile insult literally meaning faggot without teats.
Me cago en... : Literally, “I shit on... ” It’s used most often in the blasphemous context, as in, ¡Me cago en dios! (“I shit on God”), or to let a misbehaving child know what one thinks of his/ her father, ¡Me cago en tu padre! (“I shit on your father!”) Me cago en... is all all-around cuss phrase popular among Nuyorican mothers.
Messakins: A fucked up way of referring to our Mexican brothers and sisters (also called wetbacks).
Mira!: Literally “Look!” but used as an all-around greeting phrase as in ¡Oye mira! (“Hey! Look!” “Yo!”)
Morena/o: Originally used as a term for PRs who looked like Moors (mora/o) darker-skinned folk. In the US, a term also used to describe African-Americans.
Mulata: Black Americanos often find this term offensive, but for Puerto Ricans a mulata is not a bad thing. In fact, there are songs and poems dedicated to mulatas. It denotes a person of mixed race -- which is just about every Puerto Rican you’ll ever meet.
Nalgas: Ass cheeks.
Negro/a: Literally meaning black, but used as a term of endearment by Nuyoricans. Don’t ask me why, I once knew the origins of its use, but have since forgotten. I think it began as an homage to a person’s African roots, a way of calling to it and honoring it, not sure. Whatever the case, you can be white as a fish belly, but if you’re in a relationship with a Nuyorican, he or she will eventually call you negra or negro as a term of endearment. Feel good about it. Other Latino/as (outside the Caribbean) do not use it.
Nena/e: Literally meaning boy/ girl, but also often used as a term of endearment: Ay nene, you suck my chocha so well.
Nuyorican: Originally a pejorative used by Puerto Ricans from the island and other come mierda Latino/as. It was used to denote the poorer, supposedly stupider, more radical cousins of “true” Puerto Ricans. However, many persons of Puerto Rican descent use the term proudly today to self-identify. Nuyorican is part of an identity movement. Studies of Nuyoricans show that we share many cultural traits with African-Americans (which is probably the reason why other latino/as use it as a pejorative).
Papi: An affectionate form of Padre (father) most often used to refer to your object of affection Ay Papi! or Ay Papi Chulo! Who says Freud is irrelevant these days? LOL
Pasteles: A Puerto Rican staple meat dish, made of mashed plantains and root vegetables, and meat, wrapped in plantain leaves.
Pato: Literally a duck, but also used to denote a male homosexual. (As an aside, I found a recent conversation interesting, though I don’t know how accurate it is. It’s said that a maricón is a homosexual who’s a top and a pato is a homosexual who’s a bottom.)
Pendejo/a: Literally a “pubic hair.” It is used as an insult. Leave it to PRs to compare someone to something as insignificant as a pubic hair.
Pinga: A term used to denote a penis (also called a bicho)
Plena: An indigenous Puerto Rican song form.
Puñeta: Normally, it means to masturbate, but like coño, it’s also an all-purpose Nuyorican cuss word. Most often used in anger, as in ¡Puñeta! I told you not to go shopping, cabrona!
Puta: Whore, prostitute, ho'.
Rockero: Assimilated Puerto Ricans (on the island) who’re into rock/ pop.
Roofo: Another Spanglish word meaning, yup, the roof. The correct word is techo.
Rumba/ Rumbero: An Afro-Cuban dance form, but also used by Nuyoricans to denote a party or partier. Vamos a rumbiar! (Let’s go party!), or Esa Nina es una rumbera! (that Nina loves to party!).
Sabroso/a: Very tasty, delicious, as in Your chocha es muy sabrosa!
Salsa: an urban folklore incubated in the barrios of New York city that influenced Nuyorican literature, art, and music. Also a genre of Latino/a music.
Sangana/o: This word also has different meanings among different Latino/as, but for Nuyoricans, it means a person who is girlish. A dolt, an idiot, a fool. One who is easily taken advantage of. A naive individual. I often use it to mean the same as “silly.”
Spanglish: A merging of Spanish/ English -- or a form of code-switching -- having its roots mostly in Nuyorican and Chicano communities. Spanglish, at one time considered the parlance of the ignorant, has emerged as an influence in Latino/a literature, influencing many poets and writers of note. There is at least one college course I know of teaching the idiom.
Spanish: Spanish is a fuckin’ language ma’fuccas. It’s also used to denote people who come from Spain. I’m not from Spain, so don’t call me Spanish unless you like being called a cracker or a muthafucka!
Toto: Denoting a vagina (also called a chocha). This is more a kiddie word -- what an adult would instruct a child to call her vagina.
Trigueña/o: Someone with light brown skin coloring -- something like cinnamon or lighter with pelo lasio (wavy-to-straight hair).
Well, I have to run along to work, so this will be it for now. I will continue adding more, so come back and check it out. If you have a question about Nuyoricans, please feel free to ask. The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.
Con Cariño,
Eddie
Resources
Sofrito For Your Soul Online Magazine
"Nuyorican Power," Current TV program on Nuyorican culture, featuring portraits of Pedro Pietri, Fat Boy, Rita Moreno, J-Lo, Rita Moreno, Macho Camacho and Giannina Braschi;Produced By: Evan B. Stone & Carrie Pyle for CURRENT TV.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Hannity Responds
¡Hola! Everybody...
As many who read me know, there’s no love lost between myself and what calls itself the right wing these days. Lush Rimbaugh, Glen "Crying Man" Beck, Sarah "Dumb Twat" Palin, O’Really, and the rest of the Faux News come mierdas (shit-eaters) and their Tea Baggers have all gotten their asses spanked here at [un]Common Sense. Today, one frequent target of my barbs, Sean "InSannity" Hannity, responds*
As many who read me know, there’s no love lost between myself and what calls itself the right wing these days. Lush Rimbaugh, Glen "Crying Man" Beck, Sarah "Dumb Twat" Palin, O’Really, and the rest of the Faux News come mierdas (shit-eaters) and their Tea Baggers have all gotten their asses spanked here at [un]Common Sense. Today, one frequent target of my barbs, Sean "InSannity" Hannity, responds*
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-=[ Hannity Fights Back ]=-
I contend that the internal threat of liberalism may be even worse than the external threat of terrorism -- for the terrorists have no prayer against us unless the liberals pave their way.
-- Sean "[in]Sannity" Hannity in Conservative Victory
Since the people here at [un]Common Sense have seen fit to take a few swings at me over the years, I accepted their invitation to respond.
What I found most disturbing has been this blog’s attempt to imply that I’m a cocksucker. I should sue, but instead I’ll clear this up: I’m what’s known as a selective serial fellator, meaning I only suck the cocks of media alpha dogs. I say with pride that I suck Murdoch’s cock and gargle his sperm. There’s a huge difference between being a mere cocksucker and a selective serial fellator and calling me the former is just sloppy reporting and bad form.
This blog has also implied that listening to me is somehow an act of evil. This is ridiculous nonsense. While it is true that I am a compulsive liar, on and off the air, steal money from widows and orphans, and generally disdain for poor people as well as darker-hued humans, does it follow that these are evil traits?!!
::blank stare::
And yes, I do spend tons of money at S&M clubs (thanks Steele!); and, yes, I do go prowling for faggots with Bill O’Reilly, Rush, and then we all pile into Bill’s jeep, round up queers and waterboard them in back-alley dungeons, but calling me evil is quite an exaggeration, don’t you think? Nice try, Eddie, but nobody is buying your nonsense.
Seriously, imagine if some straight-laced, latently homosexual businessman, who has been successfully conditioned by years of my programming, happens to read your pathetically puerile attempts at humor. Think of the consequences! For one thing, he may stop accepting overly simplistic, nonsensical explanations of how this world works. He may even conclude I’m a fat, dishonest, bullying little twat willing to say anything in the service of my wealthy masters, and actually try to ice my craven ass. Furthermore, imagine if this information was spread around widely. Do you really want the chaos that would result from so many of the sheeple thinking without my help?
Finally, I’ll leave you with the following... the treatment I’ve received from this blog is a perfect example why we must resist the free dissemination of ideas and reject information sources that don’t have the good sense to be owned by multinational corporations.
Yours truly,
Sean
* not really
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Adolph Hitler Loses It In Japan
Via F@cked Gaijin here is yet another hilarious comic satire clip from the academy award nominated documentary Der Untergang (Downfall):
Friday, November 6, 2009
My Boyfriend is the President
Earlier in September, Altco brought us the trailer for the video game: My Girlfriend is The President. Well, now Nico Nico Video brings us their very satirical parody:
Monday, September 21, 2009
Funny Japanese TV Commercials for Softbank
Here are some funny Japanese TV commercials for Softbank. They're all in Japanese only with no English subtitles, but basically the dog is the "father" who, of course, is one of the most important members of any family. And, with Japan's current "dog boom" still showing no end in sight, the comic premise of these commercials includes a satirical stab at many Japanese dog owners who, believe it or not, consider canines as 'humans' and that dogs are more important than children:
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Ha Ha Ha America by Jon Daniel Ligon
This is a short film produced in Shanghai and Wen Zhou China in 2006 by Jon Daniel Ligon entitled Ha Ha Ha America which features scenes of the amazing growth of China and, through the use of comic Engrish subtitles, also makes a very funny satirical laughing stock of the USA and the administration of former President George Bush.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 1:
Part 2:
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Salma Hayek's Breasts (Being a Serious Discussion on Healthcare Reform)
¡Hola! Everybody...
I have a series of posts documenting racism in a variety of areas of American life... but this health care “debate” really has me flummoxed. What follows is an attempt to put an end to all the health care myths being spouted by your uber-conservative brother-in-law, internally racially oppressed siblings and cousins, and 99.9999% of theTexas
I have a series of posts documenting racism in a variety of areas of American life... but this health care “debate” really has me flummoxed. What follows is an attempt to put an end to all the health care myths being spouted by your uber-conservative brother-in-law, internally racially oppressed siblings and cousins, and 99.9999% of the
* * *
-=[ Everything Bad is GOOD for You ]=-
War is peace! Freedom is slavery! Fox News is Journalism!
[shamelessly ganked/ adopted from The Nation]
I am an avowed political junkie. I watch/ read/ analyze news like some guys watch sports. But I gotta tell ya: the recent, so-called “public dialog” on healthcare makes me sick -- literally. and I was thinking that if it makes me sick, then the average Joe/ Jane Six-pack has either tuned out, or is drinking the undiluted conservative Kool-Aid yet again (You betcha! *wink*). To say that there’s been a lot of misinformation about proposals to reform the health insurance industry and provide (near) universal coverage is to put it mildly. However, this is understandable. Health care is a complicated issue that simply couldn’t be put up on American Idol and voted on willy-nilly. One has to understand the nuances -- the intended and unintended consequences, for example, -- of social policy reform. I will attempt to simplify the issue in the following...
Is it true that all of the bills currently proposed would end the practice whereby health insurance providers refuse to treat customers who’ve paid their premiums simply because they’ve become ill?
Are you stupid?!! No! That’s a common misunderstanding. Why would we actually propose such a measure and cheat the rich from their rightful due?!! That’s socialism! Actually, all of the bills would legally bar surgeons from performing surgery until a panel of gay illegal immigrants signed off on the procedure. And then only if you agree to a sex change operation.
Is it true that health care reform would ban insurers from refusing to insure people because of pre-existing conditions?
OMG!! Wrong again! In order to achieve health equality, the bills will actually authorize that every American be given a pre-existing condition. A National Pre-Existing Condition Commission (A Branch of the Death Commission), with liberal academics appointed from Harvard and Berkeley, will assess each citizen, and based on their demographic profile, choose their illness. Each disease or syndrome will be scored on a Lichter scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most severe. White Christian men will automatically receive pre-existing conditions of eight or higher. Black people, “Wise-assed Latinas,” and ACORN members will, of course, be exempted.
Are proposals currently under consideration providing seniors with option of free counseling sessions under Medicare, where they can discuss a living will and end-of-life care.
That’s a terrible idea and a huge misconception. The bills require all senior citizens (who are non-union members) be euthanized on their 70th birthday. Rev. Sharpton, using a satanic version of the bible, will perform all last rites.
I’ve heard the bills being proposed would require insurers to provide preventative care, like mammograms, free of charge.
Wrong!! However, all lactating mothers will be forced to watch Salma Hayek videos on breast feeding and forced to breast-feed all poor black and Latino/a children.
Will the current bills propose to kill children with severe cognitive disabilities?
Absolutely not! New legislation, however, will pay for the sterilization of Sarah Palin (as a preventive measure against the dumbing down of
There! Now you have all the facts you need to make an informed decision. Please be sure to visit the Heritage Foundation, the Cato Institute, and watch Fox News to get in-depth, shameless and unbiased cheerleading for our corporatocracy.
Remember: bad things are good for you!
Love,
Eddie
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Hiking, Barbie Dolls, and Cuss Words
¡Hola! Everybody...
::Yawn:: Gee, I think I’ll just disappear for a few days without telling anyone -- family members, friends, nor employers -- where I’m going. Since I’m so privilege, I’m sure I will still have a job upon my return. Man! Sometimes you just can’t beat being light-skinned and in a position of power! I love being white (looking)!
::Yawn:: Gee, I think I’ll just disappear for a few days without telling anyone -- family members, friends, nor employers -- where I’m going. Since I’m so privilege, I’m sure I will still have a job upon my return. Man! Sometimes you just can’t beat being light-skinned and in a position of power! I love being white (looking)!
* * *
-=[ Breaking News ]=-
The medium is the message.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Seriously, which one of you smart-alec libruhl progressives told Governor Sanford to take a hike?!!
It’s not nice to take advantage of simpletons just because they don’t believe in evolution.
In case you don’t have a TV machine, internet(s) access, or cable, the top right wing-nut of the state of South Confederate -- I mean! -- Carolina, Governor Sanford, went missing for a few days... not even his wife knew for sure where he was.
Faux News is reporting that this was a secret abduction and
Glenn Beck was seen utilizing Ken & Barbie dolls in an attempt to justify the alternative rumor that Sanford was seen holing up in a men’s bathroom stall in NYC’s Penn Station -- this being Gay Pride Week and all. Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and John Ensign all gathered on the Capitol steps in a show of support. Also present where Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh, both notable proponents of traditional marriage, having attempted it with several different wives.
The O’Reilly report alleging that
Obama was excoriated for advising chickenhawk neocons to STFU. “I’m fucking this kitty, you just hold the fuckin legs, bitches,” he stated during a forceful press conference. His public flaying of Sen. McSame was also similarly criticized and PETA is looking to file charges against Obama, citing his serial propensity “to swat flies” as unthinking and very human.
In other news, reports that Webster is considering replacing “fail” with “Bush” turns out to be true. A Webster spokesperson stated, “Look, people have been substituting FEMA for fuck since Katrina, and now people are substituting Bush for fail. As an institution, we need to keep up with the times.” I like the sound of it, and the feeling is palpable, don’t you think:
“Man, I Bushed it on that test.”
“Son, do your homework, you don’t want to grow up to be a Bush now, do you?”
Works for me!
In addition, the phrase “ya betcha” has taken on a different meaning in the world of adolescent sex education...
Well, let me get the FEMA out of here before I Bush this job. Yawls play nice, now, and remember: it’s not nice to make fun of neocons, they can’t help themselves.
Ya Betcha!
Eddie
Monday, April 27, 2009
Springtime Public Service Announcment (For Women)
¡Hola! Everybody...
I usually post this at the start of Spring as a form of public service announcement... get oiled.
I usually post this at the start of Spring as a form of public service announcement... get oiled.
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-=[ The Sad Case of the Squeaky Vagina ]=-
“The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.”
I love Spring!
True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of ho’ing, but this time of year, with its connection to rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. With the exception of Yvette, the third on the list of
Today my topic is mostly about sexual abstinence and its consequences. But before I get there, I must digress just a little here. As much as I love to complain about winter, there is something to be said about living in a temperate zone and the changing of the seasons. You see, as hedonistic as I’m prone to be in warm and hot weather, I probably would not live long in a tropical zone, where I would most likely try to literally fuck my brains out. Shit, all there has to be here is a hint of warm weather and the women come out in full force, showcasing their “assets” after a long hard winter.
Sheeesh! Youse guys are mean!
Whatever… things have gotten so hectic and the clothing so scarce these days, that I can swear I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy. And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay my single ass any mind -- more than likely women would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. OTOH, let me get a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice! Maybe I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works! LOL
OK! OK! Back to my topic today: sexual abstinence and its consequences. I have to give some props to some of the ladies here in that they have developed the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great cost, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed women taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you all for that (*cough*).
I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that actually showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who take abstinence-only sex ed courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action.
Dang! I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the KKKristian wing-nuts who campaign for such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls while in high school.
Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck! ROTFLMAO! I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s, I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin and she was really OK with oral sex and eventually anal sex with me! I want to keep my hymen intact for my wedding night, she would beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time...
On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women, vaginal arthritis. Yes, you read correctly: vaginal arthritis. This is a degenerative affliction in which womens’ genitalia atrophy from consistent lack of proper use.
Dr. Hughes Jourdaddy, lead investigator for a top government research arm says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning around their vaginal area which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginas that squeak.”
Another authority in the field, Dr. Yah EsTah-Oosa, a researcher from
Fuck! Squeaking vaginas?!! Come to think of it, I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but I thought I was suffering from auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me and she was squeaking like the proverbial screen door and when I stared at her, she tried to affect an indignant look, trying to place the blame on my shoes, but my shoes don’t squeak, thank you very much.
In fact, a good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting-edge medical research, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she managed to blurt between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block calling me ‘Squeaky.’”
Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was totally turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.
Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story, if there’s any moral to be had here at all, is that perhaps God is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.
Ladies: Please do all a favor and make an appointment for sex-- soon!
Paz y Amor,
Eddie
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday Sermon (Ann Coulter Fires Back!)
¡Hola! Everybody... It seemed like everybody was out and about yesterday, the first really nice day of the year. The smell of shaving cream was everywhere, and women are out in full effect -- on the prowl. We might hit the 90 degree mark!
Today, I’m turning over the Sunday Sermon to Ann “I Got Big Balls” Coulter!
* * *
-=[ Ann Coulter Fires Back ]=-
A Special [un]Common Sense Commentary by Ann Coulter
Since the creative force behind the [un]Commonsense blog has seen fit to attack me on numerous occasions, I have accepted to respond and meet my critics head-on, balls-on-the-table.
I mean! I don’t have testicles! I’m just using that term as a figure of speech!
::adjusts crotch::
Perhaps the most disturbing is their attempt to imply I’m really a man in disguise. I could sue, but instead, I’ll just clear this up: I’m what’s known as phallic woman. I only fantasize about retaining the phallus after coitus. There’s a huge difference between the two, and I think calling me the other is just sloppy blogging and bad form. You’re... you’re... a pedophile! [1]
It has also been implied on this blog that listening to me is an act of evil. This is patent nonsense. While I do lie and misrepresent research compulsively, on air and off, and hate poor people, and dark-skinned humans, is it realistic to call these traits evil? And yes, I do snort huge amounts of meth and go prowling for faggots with Rush and Bill O’, and we all pile out of Bill’s jeep and chase queers and they cheer while I fuck them rudely with my leather, rhinestone-studded strap-on (we even gang-banged Colmes once!), but calling me “evil” is quite a stretch. Nice try, Yemíl [2], but nobody’s going to swallow this nonsense.
Goddammit, Eddie! For the sake of argument, imagine if straight-laced, God-fearing Christian (latently homosexual) homophobes, who I have successfully conditioned with years of TV and radio, and my books, happens to read [un]Common Sense’s puerile attempts at humor. Think what would happen!
They may stop accepting simplistic, nonsensical explanations of how this world works; they may even decide I’m a dishonest, pushy, constipated, man in disguise with an unusually large Adam’s apple, willing to say anything in the service of my corporate masters, and then read The Open Veins of
Do we really want the chaos that would result from so many of the little people thinking without my help?
In closing, the treatment I’ve received in this blog is a perfect example of why we must resist the free exchange of ideas and reject information sources that don’t have the smarts to be owned by multinational corporations.
Fuck You,
Ann
Notes:
1. Eddie, editor of the [un]Common Sense blog, would like to point out that he’s not a pedophile. He claims, instead, that he’s a pet-o-phile, meaning he sodomizes women who post photographs of their pets as their main photo on their internet profiles.
2. It has been documented that those who disagree with the [un]Common Sense’s political commentary often resort to calling it’s editor, Yemil. As yet, it is not known what rhetorical purpose this serves.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
My Left Nut
¡Hola! Everybody... True story: I had to travel downtown late in the afternoon yesterday, taking me by City Hall. And lo and behold, there were the Tea-baggin’ Cons! All 500 (mostly white men) of them! LOL
I got this look on my face and my friend, noting what she knows as my mischievous side, begged me not to misbehave, but I had to! So, I yelled out, “Long live socialism!” and Man! I thought they would eat me alive! Several people were screaming at me, when I made the observation that many of them rode in on socialized highways to protest taxes in a park paid for by taxes. That went over really well... “Commie!” Yelled an adorable little blonde-haired girl. LOL! I felt bad for her because you can’t be a socialist and a communist at the same time -- it’s ideologically impossible. But before I could teach her the difference, the cops asked me to keep it moving.
I’ve been protesting and practicing civil disobedience since before many of you were born, and people? This was one paltry protest. I mean, c’mon, Obama attracted more people at one rally last year than this campaign did nationally.
What I saw was yet more anger from a section of the population that has allowed itself to believe that the “other” is to blame for its misfortunes. Look over there! Terrists! No, over there! Messakins! Under the rug! socialists... pirates behind the curtains... The enemy, my friends, is Ignorance and a media machine controlled by a handful of conglomerates that happily manipulates that ignorance to the point where you to go out and protest for the interests of the very people who have co-opted your government. Finally, the current Texas governor just lent enormous support to my assertion that no one from
* * *
Everybody's fave homie, Jesus, getting ready to teabag a muthafucka
-=[ Tea Bags, My Left Nut & Why I Blog ]=-
“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”
-- Susan B. Anthony (1820–1906) American woman suffragette Speech, Jan 1896
I am an incorrigible flirt. I will and do flirt with anyone: young and old, gay or straight – shit, if animals could understand, I would flirt with them too. For the most part, my flirtatious behavior is a thinly disguised form of self-deprecating humor. It’s an “inside” joke and you’re in on it. Just because I flirt in the manner I do doesn’t make me a “playa.”
I am intensely serious and passionate person and I take my work very seriously. During my workday, I’m serious, dedicated, on task. In my social life, I reserve the right to be the crazy muthafucka I choose to be and those that are uncomfortable with that persona can choose not to associate with me! For whatever reason, I seem to attract people (many unstable, LOL) and I genuinely love people. I love em all. I especially love the “unforgiven”: the socially unacceptable, the outsiders, the broken, the nymphos, psychos, the sad, and cheerful -- all of the ones that don’t somehow fit into preordained molds. I truly love people, which is a lot rarer than you think, folks. I am uncomfortable among those too concerned with keeping/ upholding social conventions. The very ones that claim sanity are usually the ones that are the true playas.
I blog mostly for myself.
I might be reading a book, studying an issue, or reflecting on life and I take notes. Most of what I write here is gleaned from those notes as well as (obviously) my life experiences. Sometimes it’s academic and boring; sometimes it’s erotic and fascinating. Shit, I would dare say that sometimes I could be downright inspirational and insightful. LOL! I don’t blog in order to garner page hits, nor do I compose my blog so that someone could read it in a certain amount of time. Fuck that! Stretch your fuckin’ brain, or move on!
I would blog even if no one read me because it’s part of my process, not yours. I write partly because I enjoy taking complex subjects and distilling them in terms that are more easily understandable because that helps further my understanding. What you see here is someone who dares to be transparent. When I open my heart, you can look and see me for who I am as no one else can. It is a torn and scarred heart, but no less beautiful because of it. Some people won’t see this part and choose to linger instead on my inability to suffer fools easily or my hostility towards those who would defend of deny injustice. And that’s OK because it’s part of who I am also. Just don’t come here trying to analyze my shit. Shit, I would bet my left (lower hanging) nut, that the vast majority of those who attempt to analyze others, need to turn that gaze inward.
I will meet you exactly where you’re at and you can walk with me as far as you care. There is no artifice here, this is who I am, not because I want to be popular, but because I strive to be as honest as I can be on a daily basis. Sometimes I pretty much successful and other days I fail miserably. But life isn’t a race to be won, it’s a journey.
Bottom line is that I am a genuinely happy person at a point in my life where it all seems to have come together. What I bring to the table is an invincible joy and a living example that life doesn’t suck -- life is fuckin’ good, even if at this moment you’re an ingrate who can’t appreciate that fact. Come in and enjoy or not, that is obviously your choice. Just don’t get it twisted.
Love,
Eddie
Monday, March 16, 2009
Twit Wit
Class: I'm sure you're aware many celebrities and personalities use Twitter. I have several twitter accounts--one which is highly classified and secret--the one I use with my celeb buds.Here's a sampling of your sassy blondalicious teacher's DM's:
THE_REAL_SHAQ It's proper etiquette to leave flip flops outside, esp. size 24's!
Wossy Couldn't make lunch. It feels undignified to explain.
richardbranson Not upset because your swan chased me. Birds like me.
TheEllenShow Enjoyed the rabbit pupus. You're kidding, right?
aplusk Loose the hats. Tell Brad 2
stephenfry Luv my Louboutins--u can borrow
jamie_oliver Tempura pickle? Oh hell no!
jimmyfallon Appreciate ur invite. Letting you simmer first
lady gaga Designed something for ya--don't know if squirrels will like
perezhilton Save frills for TMZ
iamdiddy Dined at Nobu w snoop--don't ask.
MCHammer Want the extension cords back asap. Change it up.
This post goes on "Humor-Blogs.com".
Twit Wit
Class: I'm sure you're aware many celebrities and personalities use Twitter. I have several twitter accounts--one which is highly classified and secret--the one I use with my celeb buds.Here's a sampling of your sassy blondalicious teacher's DM's:
THE_REAL_SHAQ It's proper etiquette to leave flip flops outside, esp. size 24's!
Wossy Couldn't make lunch. It feels undignified to explain.
richardbranson Not upset because your swan chased me. Birds like me.
TheEllenShow Enjoyed the rabbit pupus. You're kidding, right?
aplusk Loose the hats. Tell Brad 2
stephenfry Luv my Louboutins--u can borrow
jamie_oliver Tempura pickle? Oh hell no!
jimmyfallon Appreciate ur invite. Letting you simmer first
lady gaga Designed something for ya--don't know if squirrels will like
perezhilton Save frills for TMZ
iamdiddy Dined at Nobu w snoop--don't ask.
MCHammer Want the extension cords back asap. Change it up.
This post goes on "Humor-Blogs.com".
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Mulatto Vibe
¡Hola! Everybody...
In keeping with the recent vibe, I’m re-posting the following -- sure to insult everyone.
In keeping with the recent vibe, I’m re-posting the following -- sure to insult everyone.
I got the following from Claudine Chiawei O’Hearn’s book on biculturalism Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural.
I strongly recommend the book for anyone interested bicultural/ biracial issues.
Senna, D. (1998). The mulatto millennium. In C. C. O'Hearn (Ed.), Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural (pp. 12-27).
[Note: to be read aloud with tongue firmly in cheek 
* * *
-=[ Variations on a Theme of a Mulatto ]=-
Standard Mulatto: White mother, black father. Half nappy hair, skin that is described as “pasty yellow” in the winter, but turns a caramel tan in the summer. Germanic-Afro features. Often raised in isolation from others of its kind. Does not discover his or her “Black identity” until college. At this point, there is usually some physical change in hair or clothing, and often speech, so much so that the parents don’t recognize their child when he or she arrives home for Christmas vacation. (E.g., “Honey, there’s a black kid at the door.”)
African-American: The most common form of mulatto in
Jewlatto: The second most prevalent form of mulatto in the North American continent, this breed is made in the commingling of Jews and Blacks who met while registering votes down South during Freedom Summer or at a CORE meeting. Jewlattos will often, though not necessarily always, have a white father and a black mother (as opposed to the more common case, a black father and a white mother). Will also be more likely to be raised in a diverse setting, around others of his or her own kind, such as
Mestizo: A more complicated mixture, where either the black or white parent claims a third race in their background (e.g., Native American or Latino) and therefore confuses the child more. The mestizo is likely to be mistaken for some other, totally distinct ethnicity (Italian, Arab, Mexican, Jewish, East Indian, Native American, Puerto Rican) and in fact will be touted by strangers as a perfect representative of that totally new race. (“Your face brings me back to
Gelatto: A mixture of Italian-American and African-American, this breed often lives either in a strictly Italian neighborhood if the father is white (e.g., Bensonhurst) or in a black neighborhood if the father is black (e.g., Flatbush). Usually identifies strongly with one side of the family over the other, but sometimes with marked discomfort becomes aware of the similarities between the two sides of his cultures, and at this point, often “flies the coop” and begins to practice Asian religions.
Cultural Mulatto: Any American born post-1967 See Wiggers.
Blulatto: A highly rare breed of “blue-blood” mulatto who can trace their lineage back to the Mayflower [note: you will find many of these among the island-born Puerto Ricans – Eddie]. If female, is legally entitled to
membership in the Daughters of the American Revolution. Blulattos have been spotted in
Negratto: May be any of the above mixtures, but is raised to identify as black. Negrattos often have a white mother who assimilated into black culture before they were born, and raised them to understand “the trouble with whitey.” They will tend to be removed from the white side of the family and to suppress the cultural aspects of themselves that are considered white. Will tend to be more militant than their darker brothers and sisters and to talk in a slang most resembling Ebonics circa 1974. Has great disgust for the “so-called mulatto movement” and grows acutely uncomfortable in the presence of other mulattos. Despite all of this posturing, there is a good chance they have a white lover hidden somewhere in their past, present, or future.
Cablinasian: A rare exotic breed found mostly in
Tomotto: A mixed or black person who behaves in an “Uncle-Tom-ish” fashion. The Tomatto may be found in positions of power, being touted as a symbol of diversity in otherwise all-white settings. Even if the Tomatto has two black parents, his skin is light and his features are mixed. If we are ever to see a first black president, he will be a Tomatto.
Fuaxlatto: A person impersonating a mulatto. Can be of white, black, or other heritage, but for inexplicable reasons claims to be of mixed heritage. See Jamiroqui.
Ho-latto: A female of mixed racial heritage who exploits and is exploited sexually. See any of Prince’s Girlfriends/ Some Video Ho's.
The categories go an and on, and perhaps, indeed, they will. And where do I fit into them? That’s the strange thing. I fit into none and all of the above. I have been each of the above, or at least mistaken for each of them, at different moments in my life. But somehow, none of them feel right. Maybe that makes me a [postmodern] mulatto? A Postlatto!
Love,
Eddie
“Every man takes the limits
of his own field of vision
for the limits of the world.”
-- Arthur Schopenhauer
