Common Factors in Sexual Abuse

¡Hola! Everybody...
Whew! My major funder was visiting these past two days and she just informed me that she’s in favor of continuing another round of multi-year support!

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-=[ Common Factors in Sexual Abuse ]=-

The following sentence, posted as part of last Friday’s blog (click here for context), caused some people to lose what little grasp they had on reality:

“It is important to understand that sexual fantasies about one’s children are normal. Many mothers, for example, report having such fantasies at least occasionally.”

They have twisted that sentence to mean that I have admitted to having sexual fantasies with my son and negatively commenting on everything from my writing, my profession, and a lot of other stupidity. The bottom line is that all these people have played out their sexual lives here in vulgar and public ways. That is the only fact not in dispute.

In families where sexual and physical abuse takes place, the erotic impulse is the first casualty of childhood development. Sexual abuse is associated with certain uniform family characteristics. Generally, physical contact, open demonstrations of affection, and talk of anything sexual are discouraged -- often in violent ways. Secrecy is the rule in such families. In that way, alcoholism, addiction, and physical and sexual abuse continue unabated. Oftentimes, childhood victims of sexual abuse recreate the same environments they were raised in when they become adults and start their own families.

In this way, the pattern of sexual abuse is recreated within each successive generation.

Let’s look at the attacks prompted by my writing about sexual fantasies. The persons leveling charges at me all have publicly admitted to being involved in abusive relationships or being sexually abused as children, or both. There is nothing funny about this, and my intention is not to belittle their experiences, but I think it goes a long way in explaining their disproportionately violent response to my assertion that sexual fantasies -- even taboo sexual fantasies - are not only harmless, but normal.

Saying this is nothing new. Freud first commented on child sexuality over a century ago and later theorists added to his body of work. Additionally, hard science has shown that their assertions are true. Children are sexual beings and if you add a negative connotation to the sexual aspect, that is because you view sex as dirty. If you look at a nude photo of a young child and say it’s dirty, then it is you who is attaching the dirt. if you’re turned on by child nudity, it’s not the nudity that’s wrong but your reaction to it.

The warped logic that asserts that a sexual fantasy makes a person a sexual deviant is, well, stupid. In this case, they are saying that because I stated that adults report having taboo sexual fantasies and that it is normal, that I must be a sexual abuser. I pointed out that literally thousands of people -- people who never sexually abuse -- have sexual fantasies that would make many of us cringe.

It’s really simple. Has anyone here ever read a horror or crime novel? Well, if you read a particularly graphic murder or rape scene, you have to consider that before a writer can write such a scene, they first have to imagine (or fantasize about) it. In fact, those familiar with the writing process know that writing is a very personal and intimate process. Having fantasized about and written a murder or rape scene, does it then follow that the writer is a murderer or a rapist? Some of the most powerful written works of art depict situations and scenes that are troubling to many individuals. Some of the greatest minds have written of incest, betrayal, horrific acts of abuse, sexually subversive acts, but it doesn’t follow that they are what they think or write.

An individual would have to be a moron to make such a claim, don’t you think? This is a simple point, one apparently lost on simple people.

The heart of the issue isn’t me or people who fantasize sexually, rather, it’s about the projections of the people reacting to what I have written. The tragic irony is that the monsters who prey on defenseless children share many character traits with ultra religious, inflexible individuals.

Numerous studies of child abuse show that parents who abuse their children were often deprived of genuine parental physical attention themselves during childhood, and as adults experience extremely unsatisfying sexual relationships. In other words, in the families where sexual abuse occurs, it is more likely they will express the same repressive values these people are expressing.

Looked at from this perspective, one can begin to understand why a woman would engage in a decades-long affair with a married man (and defend it), or a woman who has sexual affairs with men who steal from her and post her nude photos publicly in an attempt to humiliate her. Additionally, it can explain why the same woman admits to being hospitalized by another lover. In my experience such people have a history of family violence and sexual abuse.

Anyone see a pattern emerging?

Studies of cross-cultural child-rearing practices and evidence of neurological damage in anti-social individuals demonstrate that deprivation of bodily pleasure during infancy and adolescence and the repression of pleasure promote adult violence.

Patriarchal (male-dominated) religions that emphasize a high God who actively punishes any deviations in accepted human behavior commonly endorse anti-sexual and anti-pleasure value systems. As part of their anti-sexual values, these religions promote negative attitudes about the physical nurturance of infants and children. They also attempt to punish (as they were punished) adolescents and adults who indulge in behavior it they deem illicit.

Deprivation of bodily pleasure throughout life -- but particularly during the formative periods of infancy, childhood, and adolescence -- is closely related with the level of war and violence in a society. On the other hand, cultures that promote nurturing in child-rearing, that are comfortable with the body, and with sexuality and pleasure, produce adults who exhibit less sexual dysfunction, promote gender and social equality, and a society that does not glorify slavery or war.

If you doubt me, note that the religious wackos of the far right today support the same attacks on contraception, homosexuality, and sexual freedom that Hitler espoused. Neo-religious fascists today support the bombing of abortion clinics and compare homosexual marriage to bestiality. I am sure many of the people here acting out hold similar values.

My point on Friday was two-fold: to show 1) that having a healthy relationship with our fantasies -- no matter how taboo-- leads to healthy and affirming sex lives, and 2) In developing a healthy sexuality, we are then better equipped to raise our children with respect, awareness, and honor to their sexual selves.

Love,

Eddie

Secrecy, Shame, Taboo

¡Hola! Everybody...
Remember the old caution about throwing stones? How many of you could withstand even the slightest scrutiny? From what I see, those who squawk the loudest -- the ones running around like a bunch of silly biddies -- they’re the ones with the most to hide. Like caged zoo primates, they fling the excrements of their insecurities to all who venture to pass by, and they lose ground in the process.

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-=[ Secrecy, Shame, Taboo ]=-

“There is hardly anyone whose sexual fantasy life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world with surprise and horror.”

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

-- Carl Jung

[I challenge anyone to look at today's blog photos and tell me, with a straight face, that people in this society don't entertain erotic fantasies about children.]

A popular and influential evangelical leader known for his fierce anti-homosexual agenda is caught having a homosexual affair.

A televangelist, noted for his “family values” stance is caught soliciting prostitutes with money taken from his flock.

A senator noted for repeatedly voting for policies detrimental to gays is caught acting out in a public men’s room.

A church allows decades of sexual abuse to go unpunished and resists attempts to uncover the widespread practice.

Pornography sales in the Bible Belt outstrip all other demographics.

I could go on, but what all of the above share in common is complex neurotic behaviors involving repression. As that repression develops and/or continues to develop, internalized feelings of anxiety leads to behavior that is illogical, anti-social, and often self-destructive.

Repression is never a good substitute for morality and people often mistake one for the other. I wrote recently that fantasies, many of which most of us would find disturbing, are quite normal. Others responded by hurling accusations and all the nonsense that plagues social networking sites (see my comment about the feces-flinging monkeys above).

I have written a lot about sex and sexuality mostly because we live in a society that treats sex as something dirty. We keep sex tucked away in the darkness where its most horrible manifestations emerge to create the most damage. Let’s be clear: the most horrific sexual abuses occur in homes shrouded with secrecy, shame, and taboo. Sex lurks in our collective shadow selves and those most fearful want it kept that way. And in that way we continue to recreate the crimes.

An intelligent look into sexual fantasies reveals that virtually everyone fantasizes about someone other than his or her steady partner on a regular basis. One will readily note, looking at the subject empirically, that many people suffer shame and guilt (always good breeding ground for sexual abuse) about the “perverse” nature of their fantasies. One need not be a survivor of sexual abuse to fantasize about being abused -- but if you have been a victim, you are more likely to repeat the abuse in fantasy form. Finally, bondage, sadomasochism, incest, and voyeurism are common fantasies of “normal” people.

Yes, you can have a sexual fantasy of your child and not be a demented sexual predator. In fact, many people do and never act out on them. I will take it a step further and say that if you can’t properly process your fantasies, you’re more likely to act out on them. One reason for that is that fantasies are a safe way to explore otherwise dangerous, destructive, or illegal acts. The message of my Friday post was that it’s important to remember that just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you’d actually do it, even if you could. Fantasizing about a homosexual encounter, bondage, or incest may be a way to discharge your fears, or perhaps your curiosity, about such practices. For example, it is fairly well-known that some women fantasize about being raped -- but that doesn’t mean they are actually desiring to be forced to have sex.

As a man, I can tell without reservation that an overwhelming majority of men entertain erotic fantasies about minor-aged females. The vast majority of these men, do not act out on those fantasies.

Studies at the Masters and Johnson Institute have shown that women who have “unusual” fantasies (of being raped, having sex with animals, or incestuous relationships) have absolutely no interest in actually doing these things. I would be concerned if a person admitted to not having sexual fantasies.

Fantasies get out of control when they become a paraphilia -- obsessive thought constellations that then become compulsions. But that’s a lot different than having a fantasy. A sexual fantasy takes place in the largest human erogenous zone -- our minds. Those who are unable to properly process their fantasies often act them out mindlessly. These individuals, as far as I’m concerned, suffer from lack of impulse control. In other words, it’s not the fantasy that’s the issue but the individual. Contrary to what these country muthafuckas are saying, having a fantasy is not the same, nor is it a first step, in acting them out.

If you’re unaware of something, how can you address it? This is why you see all the dysfunction going on these social networking sites, these are people afraid of a new (or any) thought that veers from their comfort zone. And, it seems to me, their comfort zone is littered with shit.

Love,

Eddie

Forgiveness

¡Hola! Everybody...
I’m off to prison to work with the ladies...

Today? Another repost! LOL!

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-=[ Forgivness ]=-

“Forgiveness is another word for letting go.”

-- Matthew Fox

Learning forgiveness -- both granting it to others and accepting for ourselves -- is one of the primary paths for growth. For many us, if we are honest enough with ourselves, taking a look at our history is to be plagued with deep-rooted feelings of guilt. We may develop insight, or we finally open to the possibility of being accountable for some of this history, which opens us to a new perspective on life. As human beings, we may also yearn to undo our mistakes. However, many of us carry guilt for years as if we deserved to continue to be punished.

True growth means letting go.

It is not until we learn forgiveness that we can stop the patterns that have been handed down from generation to generation. I’ll give you an example from my own personal history. I was blessed with two beautiful, intelligent, caring, and courageous parents. The fact that I’m living the way I am today is a testament to their legacy of courage and determination against sometimes great odds. I am totally grateful for what they have given me. I honestly believe that if I were to carry my mother on my back for the rest of her life, I still would not be able to repay what she has given me.

However, both my parents were abused and neglected as children. My father was orphaned by the age of seven, having lost his parents to disease and was subsequently raised by an older sister who was barely older than him. My mother was sexually and physically abused by her older brothers as a child and was a battered wife for 13 years at the hands of my father.

My earliest memories are of my mother using me as a shield to stop my father from beating her.

It took me a long time to begin to understand all of this. I loved my parents dearly, as I know they loved me, but there was a lot of abuse and feelings of horror and abandonment in my childhood. I simultaneously adored -- worshipped -- and hated and feared my father, who could be both loving and angry to the extreme. My mother, also a sweet and loving person, was quick with her hands, often smacking me in the face, eliciting within me feelings of hatred, which I then felt guilty for harboring. To this day, I still sometimes get uncomfortable when a lover reaches to caress my face.

People today are always amazed at my ability to size people up. I’m often right on point with my ability to analyze people, even if I choose to look at the better side of human nature. I’m no fool -- don’t let the suit, tie, and smile fool you. LOL The fact is that I learned how to read people as a child. I had to for my own survival because I had to know if the most important person in my life was going to hug or hit me. So I learned to read the body, listen for tones in the voice, check the eyes. I had to become good at this.

Growing up and listening to my mother’s screams I would promise myself that I would never re-enact these abuses on others. At those times, I hated my parents and felt guilt about that hate because they were my parents and I was taught that it was wrong for me to feel what I felt.

Years passed and I found myself (funny way of putting it, huh? LOL) being the primary caregiver to my own son seven years of age. Imagine having me as a father!

LOL!!!

Anyway, my son and I had a great relationship. I can be very entertaining, to say the least. *wink* My son adored me and I tried to be honest and loving toward my son. Most of all, I was determined not to replay the same patterns in my relationship with him.

One day, he came home with a report card that wasn’t what I felt reflective of his abilities. My son was an intellectually gifted child but, as with many brilliant children, he lived in his own world, the “real” world sometimes being very boring. Anyway, it was one of those days -- I was feeling a little drained and overwhelmed and I became very frustrated because here I am, I thought to myself, busting my butt to stress the importance of education to this kid and he’s just not getting it!

So the more I’m talking to him the angrier I get, and the angrier I get the more boundaries I trespass: by now, I’m cursing at him and screaming and talking to him in a way I never did before. Heck, in my mind, I want to take him over my knee and spank the shit out of the little ma’fucca.

All the while, there’s a part of me that’s “watching” all of this, but I’m in “fight or flight” mode, and I can’t stop myself. By now, my son is crying and the more he cries the more frustrated I become and somewhere I know I'm losing control, that I’m going somewhere deep and dark and my son is terrified...

BUT ALL I WANT IS TO JUST KICK THIS KID’S BUTT!!

Just then, my son -- voice quavering and his body trembling -- my son pleads to me, “But Pops I don’t understand, what do you want me to do? Please, tell me... ”

And at that moment, everything stops and my heart just melts right then and there because I look at my son’s face and see the tears and those beautiful blue eyes and at that moment I’m overwhelmed with love for my son. It is at that precise moment that I saw reflected in my son’s eyes, my own inner child and was vividly reminded of the horrors and trauma of my own childhood. It was as if his plea awakened me from an unconscious or deep-rooted rage and I became terrified myself.

I awaken from my rage at that moment and all the fears, all the rage dissipates. I take my son in my arms and hold him tight, repeating over and over, "I’m so sorry... "

You see?

This is how patterns are repeated. I realized right then and there that I had to find resolution with my own demons because if I didn’t, it would get passed down to my son and those that I love the most. Before I could be the father I wanted to be, I had to forgive my own parents, and let that rage go because that abuse was so powerful a force that it threatened everything that was important in my life.

I had to let go...

Fortunately, I was able to do that. I was also able to speak to my son about my own fears and how sometimes when he didn’t do well in school, my fear was that he would that he would eventually suffer as I did. It was an irrational fear, but that’s where my head went in those moments when I became most angry or fearful.

Eventually, I learned that my anger stemmed from a deep-rooted fear – probably the fear I experienced as a child in an abusive home.

Did I become the “model” father after that day? Aww heck no! This is Eddie we’re talking about here, folks! LOL But that day I began to truly understand the importance of forgiveness and letting go because letting go is not just something you do, it's something you become.

Forgiveness is not saying that what you or someone else did is ok. Rather, forgiveness is a state of being in which you allow yourself to get rid of the fear and rage through a long and slow, but necessary process. Some would call it a state of grace... The price you pay for not letting go is pain, not just for yourself, but for those closest to you.

Maybe today we can begin to entertain the possibility of being forgiven and letting go of past mistakes.

Love,

Eddie

A Day in the Life...

¡Hola! Everybody...
Hope everybody had a pleasant night last night. Welcome to the New Year, one that promises to be challenging and will no doubt bring you happiness as well as sadness, tragedy, successes and failures.

The cycle begins anew and if you haven’t gotten it by now, the point is not to get stuck on the soap opera; the point of life is to live.

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-=[ Patterns ]=-

“Your self image is your pattern!... Every thought has an activity visualized. Every activity belongs to a pattern. You identify with your pattern or thought. Your patterns lead your life.”

-- J. G. Gallimore

I left my place relatively late (due to hangin’ out with Rippa & Co. at his blog). I left my dick there (or at least an image of it LOL!). It’s really cold out here, so I decided to go to a nearby house party (walking distance), where I knew a certain lady I’ve had my eye one would be attending. She wasn’t there, but for some reason some woman I never met, clearly inebriated, immediately attached herself to me.

It’s weird to be in a roomful of people blasted out of their minds when you’re sober. There’s a point where people are having a good time and it’s fun, but then comes the time where many people are going past their limits and all their emotional hang-ups are seeping through the various armor. Some of it is funny, some of it sad.

I mean, do I really need to know you’re an incest survivor the first time I have a conversation with you? I tend to go with the flow b3ecause I know how it is -- after all, I was king of that shite for a lonnnnng time, so who am I to judge, right? Nothing worse than a judgmental muthafucka who usedta pillage and plunder.

Anyway... I’m busy politely trying to distance myself away from The Lush, who’s determined to stay by my side, when The One I’ve been eyeing shows up. She looks my way and gives me The Smile. You know “The Smile” -- you girls know what I’m talkin’ about here. LOL So, I politely excuse myself from the Lush who doesn’t seem to understand, and I make my way over to The One.

We talk, dance a little, move over to love seat in a relatively quiet section of the house partaking in some good conversation (I’m seducing her), when the Lush barges in out of nowhere and yells out, “There you are!” as if she had been looking for me across a forbidden trek through the Himalayas. Now it’s The One’s turn to look confused, who excuses herself to go to the restroom. To make an already long story short, The Lush somehow managed to put a damper on my night. The One did give me her phone and asked that I call her when I was “less busy.” This despite my assurances that I didn’t even know The Lush’s name.

Which made me rethink the supposed Oneness of The One.

I end up stuck with The Lush, who’s probably a sweet girl in her own right and very attractive in a curvy, sultry kind/ sort of way. She’s dressed tastefully and her hair and nails are professionally done. Her make-up is applied well and there’s this slightly off-kilter look she has that only serves to make her more attractive. We try dancing, but her balance is shot, so we go over to a corner, where she looks into my eyes, says something about me being cute, and then plants a sloppy kiss on my lips. Now, I’m a “good” guy, but I ain’t that well, knamean? I warn her, but she laughs. Some people don’t listen.

The midnight hour rings and she kisses me again excessively long and way too sexually (she grinds her poosie into me). A friend is slapping me on my back congratulating me for the ass I’m obviously about to get, and I’m a little embarrassed. The One, eyes me from across the room.

LOL!

The Lush wants to fuck, of that I am certain, but I don’t like fucking drunk women. It’s not a moral issue (though I’m wondering how she would act if she weren’t so drunk), the point is I’m in recovery and the smell of alcohol has a bad effect on my passion. The smell and taste is a major turn off for me. In addition, drunken behavior is a turn-off. Nevertheless, she insists, though I propose lurid acts and attach strings (anal sex!) designed to make her think twice but she runs right through them with an obliviousness only a drunk can appreciate.

She asks if I will walk her home and I do and that’s where it all comes out. By the time we reach her door, she’s sobbing about some sadness deep inside of her and when I enter her apartment, I’m wondering if screwing a drunk woman who’s sobbing is really a good idea. Now, mind you: sobbing is a turn-on for me. The funny thing is that I like her: she’s compassionate, generous, sexy, and smart with an edgy, knowing sense of humor.

The story ends here and I’ll leave it to you, the reader to figure out what my choice was -- whether I took her or not. You’re encouraged to write the ending to this adventure. Tomorrow, I’ll post the actual deed.

LMAO!

Love,

Eddie