Three Online Things To Do When You Can't Sleep

Class: I'm gonna share my sleepy-time secrets with you today in case there are any of ya who find yourselves wide-awake in the wee hours of the morning and REALLY want to get back to sleep.

These three things/tricks work better than a sleeping pill or a warm glass of milk and hot chocolate chip cookies AND without drugs or calories.

Here are my three suggestions with Number Three being the VERY best:

First....if you haven't already joined Facebook, do so. Facebook is a great place to have in your bag of tricks. Ahem... branding.

When you can't sleep, go and add friends. There is something about the repetitious nature of this task which works like a miracle sleep aid. Since you can't read the profiles of these folks you're adding as friends until they've accepted your friendship, this mindless adding is so boring. It helpful if the friends you're adding are already friends with friends you have, and then you stand more of a chance of being accepted by them and you're not being viewed as some pervy predator or spammer. But that's beside the point. The idea is to make yourself drowsy.

This task is a numbers game that's better than playing solitaire. Keep adding friends until your head falls down on the keyboard.

Second, Stumble at lightening speed. Thumbs up anything and everything. Be a stumble slut. Don't stop to admire or read or watch anything whatever you do!

Third, and this is the BIGGIE: read all the blogs about how to make money online or posts which offer HOT BLOGGING TIPS. These blogs and posts are some of the driest, least-juicy, least-enlightening, least instructional, least inspired, most insipid drivel you'll find on the net. This task win hands down as THE MOST sleep inducing thing you can do.

These money-making, blog-tips posts are so cookie-cutter they were spawned by the same borg mother--I'd make a bet on it. Usually all it takes for me to become sleepy is to read two or three of these posts, and I'm staggering to bed.

I'm submitting this to "Humor-Blogs.com".

Three Online Things To Do When You Can't Sleep

Class: I'm gonna share my sleepy-time secrets with you today in case there are any of ya who find yourselves wide-awake in the wee hours of the morning and REALLY want to get back to sleep.

These three things/tricks work better than a sleeping pill or a warm glass of milk and hot chocolate chip cookies AND without drugs or calories.

Here are my three suggestions with Number Three being the VERY best:

First....if you haven't already joined Facebook, do so. Facebook is a great place to have in your bag of tricks. Ahem... branding.

When you can't sleep, go and add friends. There is something about the repetitious nature of this task which works like a miracle sleep aid. Since you can't read the profiles of these folks you're adding as friends until they've accepted your friendship, this mindless adding is so boring. It helpful if the friends you're adding are already friends with friends you have, and then you stand more of a chance of being accepted by them and you're not being viewed as some pervy predator or spammer. But that's beside the point. The idea is to make yourself drowsy.

This task is a numbers game that's better than playing solitaire. Keep adding friends until your head falls down on the keyboard.

Second, Stumble at lightening speed. Thumbs up anything and everything. Be a stumble slut. Don't stop to admire or read or watch anything whatever you do!

Third, and this is the BIGGIE: read all the blogs about how to make money online or posts which offer HOT BLOGGING TIPS. These blogs and posts are some of the driest, least-juicy, least-enlightening, least instructional, least inspired, most insipid drivel you'll find on the net. This task win hands down as THE MOST sleep inducing thing you can do.

These money-making, blog-tips posts are so cookie-cutter they were spawned by the same borg mother--I'd make a bet on it. Usually all it takes for me to become sleepy is to read two or three of these posts, and I'm staggering to bed.

I'm submitting this to "Humor-Blogs.com".

Whither Goest This Blog?

Class: I've been deliberating which direction to take this blog. When I began this blog oh so long ago, I had the vision of a niche blog which combined humor and blogging tips.

Thus, Blog-Blond was born--and a sassy, ever-changing blog she's been, sometimes full of hot blogging tips, sometimes not. Sometimes full of weird humor, and sometimes not. Your blondalicious teacher has interviewed Santa Claus in bed and cavorted with Borat amongst other celebrities. She's gone missing for long periods of time with strange alibis.

What's next I'm asking myself? I have interviews I'd like to do with awesome bloggers for one thing. But I thought perhaps you'd give me some feedback, so I created a poll.

If you'd be so kind to answer one of these multiple choice questions, your answers will help guide Blog-Blond to her next transformation.

*****

Saturday June 28th--Poll closed!

Mahalo for your input!


And this is going up on "Humor-Blogs.com".

Whither Goest This Blog?

Class: I've been deliberating which direction to take this blog. When I began this blog oh so long ago, I had the vision of a niche blog which combined humor and blogging tips.

Thus, Blog-Blond was born--and a sassy, ever-changing blog she's been, sometimes full of hot blogging tips, sometimes not. Sometimes full of weird humor, and sometimes not. Your blondalicious teacher has interviewed Santa Claus in bed and cavorted with Borat amongst other celebrities. She's gone missing for long periods of time with strange alibis.

What's next I'm asking myself? I have interviews I'd like to do with awesome bloggers for one thing. But I thought perhaps you'd give me some feedback, so I created a poll.

If you'd be so kind to answer one of these multiple choice questions, your answers will help guide Blog-Blond to her next transformation.

*****

Saturday June 28th--Poll closed!

Mahalo for your input!


And this is going up on "Humor-Blogs.com".

The Three L's Every Blog Should Have

Class, this is your Weekend Quickie, so Listen Up as your blondalicious teacher has lots of living and loafing to do.

As the title states, these Three L's should be incorporated into each of your blog posts: Life, Love, and Laughter.

First, does your post have Life Force? Does your post look tempting, exciting, edible, horny, or alluring? If not, add some Life Force through photos or text.

Second, are your posts written in a negative framework? Does your attitude reveal less than a loving 'tude? Do you offer a loving service or benefit somewhere in your post?

Third, does your post have a least the smile factor in it either through the graphic images you add or the written text? If not, make someone smile, giggle, or laugh a little, and they'll remember your blog and come back again for their humor fix.

That's all. Now go play and be naughty-- know I give you permission and approve--I really, really do! Shake your money-makers....or at the very least, swing in your hammock with your cool drink in hand.

Live! Love! Laugh!

And then add these elements to your future posts!

I'm submitting this post to "Humor-blogs.com".

The Three L's Every Blog Should Have

Class, this is your Weekend Quickie, so Listen Up as your blondalicious teacher has lots of living and loafing to do.

As the title states, these Three L's should be incorporated into each of your blog posts: Life, Love, and Laughter.

First, does your post have Life Force? Does your post look tempting, exciting, edible, horny, or alluring? If not, add some Life Force through photos or text.

Second, are your posts written in a negative framework? Does your attitude reveal less than a loving 'tude? Do you offer a loving service or benefit somewhere in your post?

Third, does your post have a least the smile factor in it either through the graphic images you add or the written text? If not, make someone smile, giggle, or laugh a little, and they'll remember your blog and come back again for their humor fix.

That's all. Now go play and be naughty-- know I give you permission and approve--I really, really do! Shake your money-makers....or at the very least, swing in your hammock with your cool drink in hand.

Live! Love! Laugh!

And then add these elements to your future posts!

I'm submitting this post to "Humor-blogs.com".

Karma-Schmarma

Class, I believe I've discovered The Secret!

No, not THAT famous one postulating the Law of Attraction.

I mean THE secret for my multiple blogging addiction. My new approach is to post on my most challenging blog first, and that would be Blog-Blond!

I used to do it the other way around, and by the time I finally made it to Blog-Blond, I was edgy, bored and tired. And then I wouldn't even bother to post on BB. This is ONLY one of my MANY excuses for being such a derelict teacher and m.i.a.

As most of my naughty students are aware, today is Friday the 13th, the bad luck day-- or so some folks believe. I could have used this Friday the 13th superstition as my excuse for NOT posting today, but I'm working on establishing a new habit to post 21 days STRAIGHT IN A ROW on Blog-Blond!

This may seem like a silly challenge to you, but when I accomplish this superhuman feat, I will Feel The Fabulosity once again (FTF). This is the story I'm telling myself anyways.

Here are my HOT blog tips for you today:

1. Feel the posting pain and do it anyway.
2. Post before you brush your teeth.
3. Post when you're half-awake and write (almost) anything. Make it a 21-day-habit.
4. Post before you plurk, twitter, text, or check your emails.
5. Post like you've never posted before, and don't worry about the posts. Let them go. You've released the words and thoughts already, so Let Them Be!!
6.Ping your blogs immediately with Pingoat or other pinging services after you've finished.

And with those words of wisdom, I'm outta here to enjoy myself. Yay, it's TGIF even it is a Friday the 13th! Have a great weekend, and enjoy your Karma. You worked hard for it, and you deserve it. Just say to yourself over and over: Karma-Schmarma!

I'm submitting this to "Humor-Blogs.com."

Karma-Schmarma

Class, I believe I've discovered The Secret!

No, not THAT famous one postulating the Law of Attraction.

I mean THE secret for my multiple blogging addiction. My new approach is to post on my most challenging blog first, and that would be Blog-Blond!

I used to do it the other way around, and by the time I finally made it to Blog-Blond, I was edgy, bored and tired. And then I wouldn't even bother to post on BB. This is ONLY one of my MANY excuses for being such a derelict teacher and m.i.a.

As most of my naughty students are aware, today is Friday the 13th, the bad luck day-- or so some folks believe. I could have used this Friday the 13th superstition as my excuse for NOT posting today, but I'm working on establishing a new habit to post 21 days STRAIGHT IN A ROW on Blog-Blond!

This may seem like a silly challenge to you, but when I accomplish this superhuman feat, I will Feel The Fabulosity once again (FTF). This is the story I'm telling myself anyways.

Here are my HOT blog tips for you today:

1. Feel the posting pain and do it anyway.
2. Post before you brush your teeth.
3. Post when you're half-awake and write (almost) anything. Make it a 21-day-habit.
4. Post before you plurk, twitter, text, or check your emails.
5. Post like you've never posted before, and don't worry about the posts. Let them go. You've released the words and thoughts already, so Let Them Be!!
6.Ping your blogs immediately with Pingoat or other pinging services after you've finished.

And with those words of wisdom, I'm outta here to enjoy myself. Yay, it's TGIF even it is a Friday the 13th! Have a great weekend, and enjoy your Karma. You worked hard for it, and you deserve it. Just say to yourself over and over: Karma-Schmarma!

I'm submitting this to "Humor-Blogs.com."

Share Your Favorite Blogging Tips

Class, I discovered a post over at Cash Quests which is right up my alley, if you know what I mean. It's a tag list where anyone who wants to join in gets to share their best blogging tips. And since Blog-Blond is ALL ABOUT blogging tips, well....

So without further ado, I have copied and pasted from Cash Quests the rules which are:

"The concept of the list is to share everybody’s best tip about blogging and to introduce you to some new sites that you may not have visited before. I was tagged by James from Reality Wired and I like the idea of learning together and sharing our best advice, so I’m going to continue the list and publish it here!

With the Goolge Pagerank update just days away and backlinks being a crucial factor - this is one list that you want to join and republish immediately!

-Start Copy-

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)

Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers.

Try to make your tip general.

After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!

Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn. *****
-http://www.neonscent.com

2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****
-http://www.bushmackel.com/

3. Don’t let money change ya! ****
-http://www.therandomforest.info

4. Always reply to your comments. ****
-http://chattiekat.com

5. Spell check is your friend. ****
- http://thingsbymike.com

6. Be the blog. *****
- http://www.meandmydrum.com/

7. Your readers are your treasure. **
- http://www.brownbaron.com/blog/

8. Titles Are Everything **
- http://www.realitywired.com

9. Your blog. Your money. Your rules. **
- Cash Quests

So jump on in my naughty students and play along, won't you? I know you must know a lot after studying with me this past year. What is your HOTTEST BLOGGING TIP?

Mine is this: Offer benefit to your readers*

-Blog-Blond

You can begin copying and pasting from here up.

How 'bout you, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"?

P.S. If you want to check out your blondalicious teacher as a smoking brunette, join me at the Second Life BlogHer Conference starting tomorrow. My avatar name is Kuanyin Yiyuan.

Share Your Favorite Blogging Tips

Class, I discovered a post over at Cash Quests which is right up my alley, if you know what I mean. It's a tag list where anyone who wants to join in gets to share their best blogging tips. And since Blog-Blond is ALL ABOUT blogging tips, well....

So without further ado, I have copied and pasted from Cash Quests the rules which are:

"The concept of the list is to share everybody’s best tip about blogging and to introduce you to some new sites that you may not have visited before. I was tagged by James from Reality Wired and I like the idea of learning together and sharing our best advice, so I’m going to continue the list and publish it here!

With the Goolge Pagerank update just days away and backlinks being a crucial factor - this is one list that you want to join and republish immediately!

-Start Copy-

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)

Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers.

Try to make your tip general.

After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends!

Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn. *****
-http://www.neonscent.com

2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****
-http://www.bushmackel.com/

3. Don’t let money change ya! ****
-http://www.therandomforest.info

4. Always reply to your comments. ****
-http://chattiekat.com

5. Spell check is your friend. ****
- http://thingsbymike.com

6. Be the blog. *****
- http://www.meandmydrum.com/

7. Your readers are your treasure. **
- http://www.brownbaron.com/blog/

8. Titles Are Everything **
- http://www.realitywired.com

9. Your blog. Your money. Your rules. **
- Cash Quests

So jump on in my naughty students and play along, won't you? I know you must know a lot after studying with me this past year. What is your HOTTEST BLOGGING TIP?

Mine is this: Offer benefit to your readers*

-Blog-Blond

You can begin copying and pasting from here up.

How 'bout you, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"?

P.S. If you want to check out your blondalicious teacher as a smoking brunette, join me at the Second Life BlogHer Conference starting tomorrow. My avatar name is Kuanyin Yiyuan.

How Am I Going To Teach Blogging 101?

Class, I've got my first blogging teaching gig lined up for May, a world-wide tele-seminar for a group of newbie blogging dummies. I've been going through my copious notes and considering what to teach others about blogging who aren't as smart as ya'll, my beloved (and deliciously naughty!) cyber students. It's crazy, but would you believe the statistics show that 8 out of 10 Americans have never even heard or read the word 'blog'? Simply So Sad!

Of course, I will begin with the blogging basics, the abc's of basic blogging. But where do I go from there? As I was pacing the floor and slapping the ruler in my hand (wearing my new black silk designer robe), I pondered the potential level of ignorance of this upcoming class, and then I had a mini brainstorm! What about asking my cyber students (that would be you!) to give your blondalicious teacher some advice? Turnabouts fair play, and I kinda like getting spanked....err taught some new things! So I'm going to ask you questions about your blog learning curve and experiences. From your comments and advice, I will know how to proceed with my new class.

Here are the questions, and this isn't a test (duh!):

1. Which word was harder for you to comprehend when you began your blogging career:
a. RSS
b. CSS
c. FREE
d. DIGG

2. What did you feel downright dumber than dumb about (fess up!):
a. Keyword density
b. Meta descriptions
c. How to put the points in the right place for Del.icio.us
d. How to find a bright orange HUGE RSS on a blog so to subscribe to someone's blog

3. Did you know the meaning of these words when you began blogging?
a. Social Networking
b. Directory Submission
c. Submission
d. Web 2.0 Design

4. If someone (like me for instance) was going to give you something free (and I'm not saying I'm giving ya anything but HOT BLOGGING TIPS right now!), what would you prefer:
a. free template
b. free consultation
c. free time with me to shoot the shit and knock back some tequila shooters
d. free graphics

5. What was most intimidating about blogging when you began?
a. other successful A-list bloggers
b. blog terminology
c. html
d. anything to do with details

6. Who is your best blog teacher?
a. Blog-Blond
b. Blog-Blond
c. Blog-Blond
d. Secret Santa
(You can ignore this one! Just gimme some loving links, ok!)

7. Where do most of your readers come from:
a. MyBlogLog
b. directories
c. Blog Soliders, Blog Explosion, Blog Advance and other such sites
d. family, friends, and love slaves

8. What would you most liked to have had in you beginning days of blogging?
a. online blog tutor
b. a teacher sitting right next to you in a black silk robe
c. tele-seminar blog teacher
d. blog faeries to do all the work for you

That's enough hard work for you today! Let me know your answers in comments. For those that still can't figure out where to comment and where to email me at the bottom, I've got two words for you: Sign Up!

This means Sign Up for my tele-seminars when I FINALLY open them up to a bigger audience.

Whatcha think of this, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"?

How Am I Going To Teach Blogging 101?

Class, I've got my first blogging teaching gig lined up for May, a world-wide tele-seminar for a group of newbie blogging dummies. I've been going through my copious notes and considering what to teach others about blogging who aren't as smart as ya'll, my beloved (and deliciously naughty!) cyber students. It's crazy, but would you believe the statistics show that 8 out of 10 Americans have never even heard or read the word 'blog'? Simply So Sad!

Of course, I will begin with the blogging basics, the abc's of basic blogging. But where do I go from there? As I was pacing the floor and slapping the ruler in my hand (wearing my new black silk designer robe), I pondered the potential level of ignorance of this upcoming class, and then I had a mini brainstorm! What about asking my cyber students (that would be you!) to give your blondalicious teacher some advice? Turnabouts fair play, and I kinda like getting spanked....err taught some new things! So I'm going to ask you questions about your blog learning curve and experiences. From your comments and advice, I will know how to proceed with my new class.

Here are the questions, and this isn't a test (duh!):

1. Which word was harder for you to comprehend when you began your blogging career:
a. RSS
b. CSS
c. FREE
d. DIGG

2. What did you feel downright dumber than dumb about (fess up!):
a. Keyword density
b. Meta descriptions
c. How to put the points in the right place for Del.icio.us
d. How to find a bright orange HUGE RSS on a blog so to subscribe to someone's blog

3. Did you know the meaning of these words when you began blogging?
a. Social Networking
b. Directory Submission
c. Submission
d. Web 2.0 Design

4. If someone (like me for instance) was going to give you something free (and I'm not saying I'm giving ya anything but HOT BLOGGING TIPS right now!), what would you prefer:
a. free template
b. free consultation
c. free time with me to shoot the shit and knock back some tequila shooters
d. free graphics

5. What was most intimidating about blogging when you began?
a. other successful A-list bloggers
b. blog terminology
c. html
d. anything to do with details

6. Who is your best blog teacher?
a. Blog-Blond
b. Blog-Blond
c. Blog-Blond
d. Secret Santa
(You can ignore this one! Just gimme some loving links, ok!)

7. Where do most of your readers come from:
a. MyBlogLog
b. directories
c. Blog Soliders, Blog Explosion, Blog Advance and other such sites
d. family, friends, and love slaves

8. What would you most liked to have had in you beginning days of blogging?
a. online blog tutor
b. a teacher sitting right next to you in a black silk robe
c. tele-seminar blog teacher
d. blog faeries to do all the work for you

That's enough hard work for you today! Let me know your answers in comments. For those that still can't figure out where to comment and where to email me at the bottom, I've got two words for you: Sign Up!

This means Sign Up for my tele-seminars when I FINALLY open them up to a bigger audience.

Whatcha think of this, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"?

How To Feng Shui Your Blog In Five Simple Steps

Class: I have your weekend homework assignment for you. Did I hear a loud groan? Good, that's what I wanted to hear! Louder!

Now that I have your attention, I will educate you. Trust me, you won't find these kind of hot blogging tips on any other blogs about blogging!!

Here is your assignment: Analyze your blog, and use the principles of feng shui (the ancient Chinese art of placement) which I now share with you to bring more readership and attention to your blog.

First Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make sure your header is heading the right direction to your own kua. If it's not, then your blog will be deflated and heading downhill. I will use this blog, Blog-Blond, as my example. Do you notice which way she's pointing her head? Yes, the beautiful blond babe's head is pointing west. West is my most favorable direction according to my kua number which is based on my birth time. (Follow the link I gave you, and you will see the Kua Number Calculator on the sidebar, fourth one down!)

Thus, I was very specific with the fabulous blog designer, La Luna, to capture my most auspicious direction in the header design. (I won't go into why I wanted my header horizontal because that doesn't have anything to do with feng-shui--just simple common sense.)

I remind you there are two schools of Feng Shui: the Classical (Eastern) and the Western. I prefer to use the older, classic version. If you have any confusion about this subject, join the long line around the block for no two consultants or masters of feng shui share the exact same opinion. This is why you should defer to me, your blondalicious teacher, on this matter and take my word as law!

Second Blog Feng Shui Tip: Add movement to your blog. Once again, I will use my blog as an example. Notice the occasional blinkies I use as illustrations at the top of my posts? Maybe a bit tacky, but they serve to move the energy around the blog and are excellent feng-shui tools. If blinkies are too much for your ultra cool blog, choose one of the moving icons to put on your sidebar rather than a static one. Many companies such as Blog Explosion offer moving icons as an option to pimp your blog.

Third Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your typeface easy to read. This is such a basic principle, but I can't begin to tell you how many blogs screw-up this simple principle! Who do they think we are--little insects with big beady eyes able to read their fine, light print? Add capitals. Add colors. Add bold. Whatever you do is no doubt better than small and too-light-against-the -background typeface!

Fourth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Leave space between your paragraphs. Just as in books, posts need the Air Element. If your words are packed too tightly together, the Air Element is missing. What you aspire to is to have all the elements properly balanced in your blog for good blog CHI. What this means is that you have fire, earth, metal, water, and wood in your blog. If not exactly equal, at least...mostly equal! Each element has a color and symbols attached to it. The best blog chi is attained when none of the elements are missing. Some elements you want less of. For example, too much metal can bring destructiveness and unhappiness to your blogging experience.

For example, I will once again use Blog-Blond. Fire: hot, smoldering Header and the color red sprinkled throughout for more fire!

Earth: brown and black colors in the design

Metal: metal is light in my blog, and this is where I need to make some changes! See, even your teacher needs to step it up a notch!

Water: the pearls around the blond in the header symbolize water. More water elements are mixed in the sidebar, but more water needs to be added as well!

Wood: my blog is low on wood. I need to add more green! Maybe there is a way...oh yeh, I'll add a green blinkie money illustration today. That's the ticket! Very clever of me, eh?

Fifth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your Blog Balanced! I asked La Luna to do a re-design on Blog-Blond so that there would be three columns instead of two, and so she obliged. I wanted three columns for feng-shui purposes, and then I deleted everything from my right, third column in a hissy fit later because I yearned once again to re-decorate. I have yet to find a sponsor or advertiser to fill this void! HINT! HINT! HINT!

Remember the movie, "Field of Dreams" and the theme: "Build it, and they will come!" So I am leaving this field of dreams sidebar for potential advertisers. I have pitched one p.r. agency who reps a big advertiser who would AMPLY fill this space, but I have yet to get the go-ahead. In the meantime, I will remain unbalanced and stubbornly refuse to follow my own feng-shui advice... and hold out for the Big One!

I hope these Five Steps helped you today! Your homework is to analyze your blog and others to see if they are properly feng shui'd! Questions???

MAHALO FOR YOUR VOTES IN THE BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS HUMOR CATEGORY! Muahhhhh! Hey, you can STILL vote for me, ya know!

Stay tuned (in less than 40 hours) for a special Guest Blogging blog I am doing with Best Blog Basket. This post will be echoed in a similar post on Blog-Blond for the purposes of synergy.

BBB is doing a MBL (MyBlogLog for you dummies!) series on "How to become a hot member at MyBlogLog", and he has requested I share my tips in this series with my own special 5 tips. I'll do my best to add some humor to this series since your Blondalicious Teacher loves to have fun as she teaches!

And you'd better do your homework, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"! I'm serious!

How To Feng Shui Your Blog In Five Simple Steps

Class: I have your weekend homework assignment for you. Did I hear a loud groan? Good, that's what I wanted to hear! Louder!

Now that I have your attention, I will educate you. Trust me, you won't find these kind of hot blogging tips on any other blogs about blogging!!

Here is your assignment: Analyze your blog, and use the principles of feng shui (the ancient Chinese art of placement) which I now share with you to bring more readership and attention to your blog.

First Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make sure your header is heading the right direction to your own kua. If it's not, then your blog will be deflated and heading downhill. I will use this blog, Blog-Blond, as my example. Do you notice which way she's pointing her head? Yes, the beautiful blond babe's head is pointing west. West is my most favorable direction according to my kua number which is based on my birth time. (Follow the link I gave you, and you will see the Kua Number Calculator on the sidebar, fourth one down!)

Thus, I was very specific with the fabulous blog designer, La Luna, to capture my most auspicious direction in the header design. (I won't go into why I wanted my header horizontal because that doesn't have anything to do with feng-shui--just simple common sense.)

I remind you there are two schools of Feng Shui: the Classical (Eastern) and the Western. I prefer to use the older, classic version. If you have any confusion about this subject, join the long line around the block for no two consultants or masters of feng shui share the exact same opinion. This is why you should defer to me, your blondalicious teacher, on this matter and take my word as law!

Second Blog Feng Shui Tip: Add movement to your blog. Once again, I will use my blog as an example. Notice the occasional blinkies I use as illustrations at the top of my posts? Maybe a bit tacky, but they serve to move the energy around the blog and are excellent feng-shui tools. If blinkies are too much for your ultra cool blog, choose one of the moving icons to put on your sidebar rather than a static one. Many companies such as Blog Explosion offer moving icons as an option to pimp your blog.

Third Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your typeface easy to read. This is such a basic principle, but I can't begin to tell you how many blogs screw-up this simple principle! Who do they think we are--little insects with big beady eyes able to read their fine, light print? Add capitals. Add colors. Add bold. Whatever you do is no doubt better than small and too-light-against-the -background typeface!

Fourth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Leave space between your paragraphs. Just as in books, posts need the Air Element. If your words are packed too tightly together, the Air Element is missing. What you aspire to is to have all the elements properly balanced in your blog for good blog CHI. What this means is that you have fire, earth, metal, water, and wood in your blog. If not exactly equal, at least...mostly equal! Each element has a color and symbols attached to it. The best blog chi is attained when none of the elements are missing. Some elements you want less of. For example, too much metal can bring destructiveness and unhappiness to your blogging experience.

For example, I will once again use Blog-Blond. Fire: hot, smoldering Header and the color red sprinkled throughout for more fire!

Earth: brown and black colors in the design

Metal: metal is light in my blog, and this is where I need to make some changes! See, even your teacher needs to step it up a notch!

Water: the pearls around the blond in the header symbolize water. More water elements are mixed in the sidebar, but more water needs to be added as well!

Wood: my blog is low on wood. I need to add more green! Maybe there is a way...oh yeh, I'll add a green blinkie money illustration today. That's the ticket! Very clever of me, eh?

Fifth Blog Feng Shui Tip: Make your Blog Balanced! I asked La Luna to do a re-design on Blog-Blond so that there would be three columns instead of two, and so she obliged. I wanted three columns for feng-shui purposes, and then I deleted everything from my right, third column in a hissy fit later because I yearned once again to re-decorate. I have yet to find a sponsor or advertiser to fill this void! HINT! HINT! HINT!

Remember the movie, "Field of Dreams" and the theme: "Build it, and they will come!" So I am leaving this field of dreams sidebar for potential advertisers. I have pitched one p.r. agency who reps a big advertiser who would AMPLY fill this space, but I have yet to get the go-ahead. In the meantime, I will remain unbalanced and stubbornly refuse to follow my own feng-shui advice... and hold out for the Big One!

I hope these Five Steps helped you today! Your homework is to analyze your blog and others to see if they are properly feng shui'd! Questions???

MAHALO FOR YOUR VOTES IN THE BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS HUMOR CATEGORY! Muahhhhh! Hey, you can STILL vote for me, ya know!

Stay tuned (in less than 40 hours) for a special Guest Blogging blog I am doing with Best Blog Basket. This post will be echoed in a similar post on Blog-Blond for the purposes of synergy.

BBB is doing a MBL (MyBlogLog for you dummies!) series on "How to become a hot member at MyBlogLog", and he has requested I share my tips in this series with my own special 5 tips. I'll do my best to add some humor to this series since your Blondalicious Teacher loves to have fun as she teaches!

And you'd better do your homework, Mr. "Humor-Blogs.com"! I'm serious!

The Karmic Consequences of Blogging and The Remedies

Class: I trust you had a refreshing & rowdy Easter weekend, but now it's time to pick yourselves off the floor and delve into the deeper dimensions of blogging with my Hot Blogging Tips. So Listen Up! I offer you today the Secret Remedies To Cope With The Karmic Consequences of Blogging!

What happens when you've opened your big fat trap and posted stupid things which will live on in perpetuity? What will your great, great, great grandchildren think about you, their primitive ancestor? What do you really know about your audience and your frequent commenters? Have you considered you might have karma with your readers for good or bad? Have you attracted an old enemy or passionate lover who lives half way around the world? The universe is an equal opportunity employer, so you can bank on it you will attract BOTH your admirers and detractors.

Consider that your posting style, blog topics, sense (or lack) of humor, brilliant wit, praiseworthy content, and photos have magnetized those to whom you have karma. Of course, those with whom you have fabulous karma are keepers. However, you will wish to clear the energies of those with whom you have bad karma. And how do you know which is which? Since the universe is more than a little perverse, sometimes it might take a medicine woman to determine by throwing down the bones whether you have good or bad karma with these others.

However, NOT TO WORRY! As your wise and knowledgeable teacher, I have these suggestions to remove the potential negative karma derived from blogging:

1. Before you write a post, say this out loud: "I free myself from all envy, anger, self-pity, selfishness, negativity, arrogance, remembrance of my high falutin, elitist Blogebrity, smugness, contempt for others, condescension, opportunistic desires, my parasitic nature and compulsion to impress and lord it over others."

2. While you're writing a post, think these thoughts: "I post because I wish to freely share with others and lovingly express my creativity, knowledge, and wisdom." Chase out of your mind your desires for revenge against another blogger and desires for them to go straight to Blogger Hell (more on this subject in another post). Don't engage any crappy commenter. Turn them over to the Blogging Police Department or some other agency like my Uncle Vinnie who will be more than happy to knock on their door.

3. After you finish posting, visualize your blog surrounded by a protective power, and wave (with the third finger gesture) around your computer the aromatherapy blend of arsenic, rosemary, and garlic. Perform a protection mudra. And then call upon your Kick-Ass Karma Removal Angels to delete all of the karmic consequences of your post.

Please remember this sage advice Mr. "Humor-blogs.com"!

The Karmic Consequences of Blogging and The Remedies

Class: I trust you had a refreshing & rowdy Easter weekend, but now it's time to pick yourselves off the floor and delve into the deeper dimensions of blogging with my Hot Blogging Tips. So Listen Up! I offer you today the Secret Remedies To Cope With The Karmic Consequences of Blogging!

What happens when you've opened your big fat trap and posted stupid things which will live on in perpetuity? What will your great, great, great grandchildren think about you, their primitive ancestor? What do you really know about your audience and your frequent commenters? Have you considered you might have karma with your readers for good or bad? Have you attracted an old enemy or passionate lover who lives half way around the world? The universe is an equal opportunity employer, so you can bank on it you will attract BOTH your admirers and detractors.

Consider that your posting style, blog topics, sense (or lack) of humor, brilliant wit, praiseworthy content, and photos have magnetized those to whom you have karma. Of course, those with whom you have fabulous karma are keepers. However, you will wish to clear the energies of those with whom you have bad karma. And how do you know which is which? Since the universe is more than a little perverse, sometimes it might take a medicine woman to determine by throwing down the bones whether you have good or bad karma with these others.

However, NOT TO WORRY! As your wise and knowledgeable teacher, I have these suggestions to remove the potential negative karma derived from blogging:

1. Before you write a post, say this out loud: "I free myself from all envy, anger, self-pity, selfishness, negativity, arrogance, remembrance of my high falutin, elitist Blogebrity, smugness, contempt for others, condescension, opportunistic desires, my parasitic nature and compulsion to impress and lord it over others."

2. While you're writing a post, think these thoughts: "I post because I wish to freely share with others and lovingly express my creativity, knowledge, and wisdom." Chase out of your mind your desires for revenge against another blogger and desires for them to go straight to Blogger Hell (more on this subject in another post). Don't engage any crappy commenter. Turn them over to the Blogging Police Department or some other agency like my Uncle Vinnie who will be more than happy to knock on their door.

3. After you finish posting, visualize your blog surrounded by a protective power, and wave (with the third finger gesture) around your computer the aromatherapy blend of arsenic, rosemary, and garlic. Perform a protection mudra. And then call upon your Kick-Ass Karma Removal Angels to delete all of the karmic consequences of your post.

Please remember this sage advice Mr. "Humor-blogs.com"!

Link Love Should Be So Easy...Why Isn't It?

Class: It's Friday and probably the last thing you're thinking about is homework, right? Not to worry lil darlings. Today I'm not giving you anything but HOT BLOGGING TIPS (SEEDS) which I'm planting into your blog-brains before I put on my itsy bitsy polka dot thong and head off to the beach.

I would like you to consider Sowing More Link Seeds. What is this you ask?

And I will gladly 'splain it to you, but first I must preface my explanation by sharing some of my thoughts this past week upon linking to others. Of course, we can't possibly link to everyone in the whole blogosophere which might now be larger than last I heard of nearly 75 million bloggers! However, we don't need to be such tighta**** with our links either! I often receive emails from others (such as today) by someone who wishes to link to me, and I'm really loose with my links, but when I went to check out the blog, I was shocked! What kind of blog do they think the Blog-Blond is anyway?! I naturally couldn't link to THAT kind of blog! Which brings me to this: there are appropriate blogs to link to and inappropriate blogs to link to. So yes, some discernment is required.

With all that said, I still feel many are Link Stingy! Why is it so hard for them to give a little Link Love? It's not as if Google is going to ban them into permanent exile on another planet far, far away! It's not as if there isn't enough to go around, and they've got to hold onto their links or they'll starve like they're doing in Darfur with millions dying! Keep things in perspective. It's not as if you are spending your last penny on adding a link! The bottom line is that it won't hurt you, and it will help you! "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves," wrote James Barrie. Tis true! Listen to your Blondalicious Teacher and Share The Link Love.

I'll leave you with this thought to chew over the weekend. Loosen up with more Link Love! Whatever we put out always comes back to us for good or worse, so you might as well put out a little more Link Love and get some back! We could be having so much more 'delight' if we link.

Have a Happy Easter!

And no one knows this better than Mr. "Humor-blogs.com"!

Link Love Should Be So Easy...Why Isn't It?

Class: It's Friday and probably the last thing you're thinking about is homework, right? Not to worry lil darlings. Today I'm not giving you anything but HOT BLOGGING TIPS (SEEDS) which I'm planting into your blog-brains before I put on my itsy bitsy polka dot thong and head off to the beach.

I would like you to consider Sowing More Link Seeds. What is this you ask?

And I will gladly 'splain it to you, but first I must preface my explanation by sharing some of my thoughts this past week upon linking to others. Of course, we can't possibly link to everyone in the whole blogosophere which might now be larger than last I heard of nearly 75 million bloggers! However, we don't need to be such tighta**** with our links either! I often receive emails from others (such as today) by someone who wishes to link to me, and I'm really loose with my links, but when I went to check out the blog, I was shocked! What kind of blog do they think the Blog-Blond is anyway?! I naturally couldn't link to THAT kind of blog! Which brings me to this: there are appropriate blogs to link to and inappropriate blogs to link to. So yes, some discernment is required.

With all that said, I still feel many are Link Stingy! Why is it so hard for them to give a little Link Love? It's not as if Google is going to ban them into permanent exile on another planet far, far away! It's not as if there isn't enough to go around, and they've got to hold onto their links or they'll starve like they're doing in Darfur with millions dying! Keep things in perspective. It's not as if you are spending your last penny on adding a link! The bottom line is that it won't hurt you, and it will help you! "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves," wrote James Barrie. Tis true! Listen to your Blondalicious Teacher and Share The Link Love.

I'll leave you with this thought to chew over the weekend. Loosen up with more Link Love! Whatever we put out always comes back to us for good or worse, so you might as well put out a little more Link Love and get some back! We could be having so much more 'delight' if we link.

Have a Happy Easter!

And no one knows this better than Mr. "Humor-blogs.com"!