The Sexual Subversive [The Erotic Initiation]

¡Hola! Everybody…
It’s Friday and that means s-e-x!

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-=[ Initiation ]=-

Whatever the particulars of our personal erotic initiation, whatever the snags that were present at that time, whatever the circumstances, the dangers, the people, the setting -- even mundane details like the time of day, the weather, an article of clothing, a smell, as piece of music, the color of our partner’s hair, the shape of his or her body -- all these become eroticized for us, often forever, by the supreme intensity of the moment of erotic emergence. The erotic initiation, that almost magical process of exploring an uncharted erotic landscape, is embedded with unique elements of power and vitality. These are erotic events in a class by themselves, often felt and remembered like no other memories. Psychologically, erotic initiations are powerful formative experiences that shape much of our subsequent development.

Since our culture so powerfully defines this as the primary distinction between initiate and novice, most of us turn immediately to our first experience of sexual intercourse when we think of erotic initiation. But even if we insist on narrowing erotic initiation to sexual initiation, there is more to be considered than we first have intercourse. What about the first time we seriously enter the realm of sexual feeling with a partner, whether or not this involves intercourse? What about the first time we experience ourselves as sexual beings, or become aware of sexual feelings inside of ourselves, whether or not this involves a partner? What about the first time we feel a deep inner sense of liquid movement, the first time we are aware of an erotic awakening, whether or not this has anything to do with sex?

And aren’t there more than one erotic initiation? As we become more experienced (and hopefully more developed) as sexual and erotic beings, there are other erotic initiations as well: the first time we play with a partner in a new way; the first time we experience orgasm; the first time we experience a new depth or quality of orgasm; the first time we explicitly act out a long-cherished fantasy; the first time we use a new sex toy -- or any sex toy at all; the first time we find ourselves, for reasons we may never understand, in a corner of the erotic garden we never visited before, perhaps never even imagined; the first time we surrender more deeply and psychologically than ever before; the first time we open ourselves to a new sexual partner; the first time we open to a new community of partners, people we previously considered off the erotic/ sexual map -- perhaps people of our own gender, perhaps people significantly older or younger than ourselves, perhaps people we previously considered unattractive or undesirable, perhaps people of a different ethnic group.

Erotic initiation doesn’t necessarily mean a one-time, two-time, or three-time experience; it can be a continuing and recurring aspect of erotic development and discovery. The universe of sexual and erotic possibility is immense. There is no danger of running out of territory to explore, if we choose to make ourselves available to the wonder and uncertainty of engaging the unfamiliar.

In a society such as ours, terrified of the full power of the erotic potential, we are encouraged to be as narrowly and unimaginatively erotic as possible. We are conditioned to find a comfortable erotic niche for ourselves, a tiny corner of the vast erotic wonderland, and to be content to spend all of our erotic life within that miniscule clearing. Indeed, we often feel grateful to have any place of erotic expression at all. It’s like spending all your cyber time on Facebook and mistaking that for the immensity of the internet.

No wonder so many couples become bored with their erotic connections after a few short years, or even months. No wonder so many individuals lose their sexual appetite altogether, wonder how the youth passion and fire have evaporated, or secretly seek out new partners to rekindle a feeling of erotic adventure and exploration.

While accounts of erotic initiation often focus on adolescence they also evoke the general sense of aliveness that is so much a part of the process of crossing erotic boundaries of all kinds. These tales of individual discovery remind us how exciting, awkward, humorous, and complex these circumstances often are. Perhaps it’s these stories and our memories of erotic exploration serve the purpose of reminding us of the importance in the continuing cultivation of the creativity and innovative expressions of Eros in our lives.

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Can Men and Women be Friends?]

¡Hola! Everybody...
Today is my "Women’s Prison Workshop" followed by the "Relationships for Men in Recovery Workshop" day. So I’ll be unreachable for most of the day and early eve…

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-=[ Harry & Sally on my Couch ]=-

Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

-- Harry & Aristotle

Well, actually, Harry (the character from that intolerable movie, When Harry met Sally) and Aristotle did not say this, but, as I hope to show, Aristotle and Harry seem to sleep in the same philosophical bed (pun intended). Our sexual/ romantics relations are the way they are today not because that’s “how they have always been,” but because we live within a cultural context. Philosophy matters, my dear friends, more than we know…

When Harry met Sally begs the question: can men and women be friends and then answers it so: “Men and women can’t be friends -- because the sex part always gets in the way.”

But is this true? Are there reasons friendship between men and women isn’t possible? Or more to the point: are there reasons why friendship between men and women are more difficult to maintain than same-sex friendships?

As we shall see, most of the assumptions we carry around regarding these and other questions are established in ancient Greek philosophy and their latter day Christian interpreters. Aristotle strongly suggested that a romantic relationship can never become the highest form of friendship. He made a distinction between a bond like friendship, grounded in “exalted” character traits and involving choice (philia), from a bond based solely on an attraction (eros). And while there can be friendship between lover and beloved, he added, it would not be the highest form of friendship. It would be a friendship based not on character but in pleasure -- and therefore will likely fade. Still, Mr. Aristotle concedes (perhaps acknowledging how one form of love may grow from another), “many do remain friends if, through familiarity, they have come to love each other’s character… ”

At this point, I will concede (somewhat) that eros and philia are indeed different forms of love, even if sometimes they come together as a package deal. In making a different but related point, noted Christian writer, C.S. Lewis suggested the following experiment:

“Suppose you… have fallen in love with and married your friend… now suppose that you were offered the choice of two futures: ‘Either you will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth, or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardours, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros. Choose which you please.’”

Hmmmmm...

Mr. Lewis seems to be saying we have to recognize the reality and difficulty of a choice between the different loves. We can have one or the other, but not both. He captures this difference effectively in the following sentence: “Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.” Friends, therefore, are more likely to be happy to welcome a new friend who shares their common interest, but eros is a jealous love which must exclude third parties.

Lewis believed that friendship and erotic love may go together, but in many respects he agreed with Harry and Aristotle that the combination is, at the very least, a tenuous one. Mr. Lewis’ contention that a friendship between a man and a woman can exist, but that it can do so only if the parties involved are not physically attracted to one another, or one of them loves another. Otherwise, the friendship will slip into the erotic realm eventually.

This is not too different from Harry’s view, who after stating at the very beginning that sex (eros) will always get in the way, later adds the qualifier, “unless both are involved with other people.” But then, in one of many convoluted pieces of dialog that damns this movie (Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are two of my most hated of Hollywood actors, BTW), he adds, (and I paraphrase loosely here) But that doesn’t work because the person you’re involved with doesn’t understand why you need to be friends with the other person. She figures you must be secretly interested in the other person -- which you probably are.

Lewis is a little less gloomy than Harry. Lewis suggests that lovers who are friends may learn to share their friendship with others, though not, of course [!],erotically. Still this does not address the main point in all this: the supposed precariousness of friendships with members of the opposite sex.

Perhaps it is best to cede the point that friendship between men and women will be more difficult within the context of a culture that’s terribly paranoid and repressive about eros (desire, sex, love). Friendship between men and women (and individuals with a romantic potential) will almost always be more difficult than same sex friendships. There will always be at the least a faint sexual tension not present when only one sex is involved. However, this tension might give the friendship a flavor not easily achieved any other way. In my experience there is no conversation better that that between a man and a woman who are not in love, have no intention of falling in love, but yet might fall in love; a pair who know each other well, but are also aware that there are frontiers yet to be explored.

This point might describe what many found appealing in When Harry Met Sally. In one scene a friend expresses doubt why Harry would pursue a relationship with Sally when there is no prospect of sex. His answer is telling, “I can just be myself,” Harry says, “cause I’m not trying to get her into bed.” That sentiment right there -- the absence of an agenda (or at least being transparent about it) -- is what makes all the difference. At least it makes all the difference for me. When I decided to hold a moratorium on romantic relationships after coming to the sad realization almost all my relationships were horribly dysfunctional, it opened the gate for me to understand women as human beings. Freed of “the agenda,” I was able to be myself and in the process learn how to be with women in ways I never imagined.

Even with the sexual tension present. Eros is a problem for friendship between men and women, though it can also be wonderfully enriching. Eros is a threat because, unlike friendship, many experience eros as a jealous love that does not like sharing...

My ex-wife was my dear friend before we married. We even slept in the same bed once or twice and it wasn’t something that was uncomfortable or complicated. Once, we had talked all night at her place and we just fell asleep. Eventually, ours would evolve into a romantic love, but it was a love that grew out of friendship between a man and a woman. Today, we are no longer married but I count her as one of my most trusted and dearest friends.

So yeah, to answer the question, not only is friendship between a man and woman possible, it is imperative.

Love,

Eddie

The Scarlet Woman

¡Hola! Everybody...
Though it looks corny, I’m going to go see the new Clint Eastwood film, Gran Torino. I think that Eastwood’s artistic creativity blossomed in his later years. His Unforgiven, for example, is one of the best of the modern westerns -- definitely in the top ten westerns ever. I hated Million Dollar Baby because I felt the second half of that piece took the easy artistic way out through melodrama - but even there, that first half with him and Morgan Freeman chewing chunks of the scenery, was awesome to watch. Mystic River (based on a book by one of my fave writers, Dennis Lehane) was a masterpiece with the fantastic Sean Penn leading an ensemble cast expertly directed. White Hunter, Black Heart, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil-- the list goes on.

Or... I’m just looking at the TV box and I forgot that a Puerto Rican Christmas film is finally coming out. Shoot, there’re plenty of White Christmases and even Black Christmases, it’s about time we have a PR Christmas! Nothing Like the Holidays has an all star cast headed by Alfred Molina, John Leguizamo, Elizabeth Peña, and Debra Massing (yes, PRs fawk white people too). My friend, whose cousin Luis Guzman has a part in the movie, tells me it’s a great alternative to the silly mainstream of Four Christmases.

I love the following poem...

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-=[ Radical Femme ]=-

I stand five-foot-ten in my six-inch heels,
My new red hair is blazing in the sun.
Oh my sisters,
Spare me your judgments.

Let me tell you:
We are violated by those
Who would contain our greatest spirits and
Confine our largest passions
Into the small image of chastity.
We are raped by those
Who would have us believe that
Nice girls don't like sex.
They harm us more, and harm more of us, than
All the violence
of meat shot on split beaver.

Have you given the Goddess your orgasm today?

I love all that is sexy of woman:
Lean Atalanta with streamlined hips and
vulnerable earlobes, poised for flight;
Earthmother, abundant with flesh --
tits and belly and ass --
tremendous thighs and
A clear brown eye stunning me with candor.
A decorated beauty with mascara on her cheek
arches her back and clenches her fists,
Eyes gleaming in the candle watching mine eager:
Her muscles bulge as she waits her pleasure,
Magnificent her pleasure.
Have you given the Goddess your orgasm today?

In six-inch too-spikey heels
I went to a party with too many men.
I was five-foot-ten and none of them
tripped over me:
I don't need to run when I can look them in
the eye.

When my new red hair blazes in the sun,
I am not trivial.

I will wear my Self large and shiny,
Loud and passionate like the idols of my youth:
Mae and Bessie and Tallulah --
Outraging women,
Not to be ignored.

Yes, I stand five-foot-teen in my six-inch heels,
My new red hair is blazing in the sun --
Oh my sisters,
Spare your judgments.
Give the Goddess your orgasm today.

-- Scarlet Woman

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Love,

Eddie