Gentlemen (and Ladies) Prefer Bookworms

John Waters famously said: “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” I could not agree more. Books are sexy motherfuckers. Their straight spines, their crisp pages, their tight bindings. All those bold black letters etched across soft ivory expanses. See, sexy motherfuckers. Like everyone else, I read a lot of my copy from backlit screens these days. But there’s still nothing quite like picking up a real book. The smell of it. The weight of it. Holding something in your hands gives it import. It makes it feel more real. We are a tactile people, after all.

So then, by extension, people who love or at the very least own books are also sexy motherfuckers. Back in the days when I used to watch MTV Cribs (what, don’t judge – I was young and probably drunk), I was always struck by how few of these stars had books. There were 60-inch plasma TVs, but no bookcases. There were double-wide subzero freezers, but no bookcases. There were walls and walls of DVDs and CDs, but no bookcases. People, homes need bookcases. Even if it is just some planks and cinder blocks, it’s a place to put your books.

I’ve long-since run out of bookshelf space for my books. They’re stacked double-deep on most shelves. Granted, these days I too often shamefully fall into the “buy books and let them sit on my nightstand for way too long” category of reader. I sometimes dream of taking a week-long vacation just to read books on my couch. It’s be like back in my grade school days when I spent my entire summer vacation either reading on the porch or going to the library for more books. Oh, those halcyon days of leisurely bookwormhood.

So today, we’re going to celebrate women with really great racks – of books. (Sorry, I had to.) Let’s hear it for the lovely lady libraries. These women, and their bountiful bookcases, more than pass the Waters Test. What can I say, sometimes you need to indulge in a little bit of uninhibited book porn.

Rachel MaddowBooks and a puppy and a cocktail. That’s just straight-up porn for lesbians.

Nigella LawsonMy, Nigella, what big books you have.

Olivia WildeContemporary design and plentiful bookcases. It’s so sexy it’s almost NSFW.

Rachel WeiszI can’t be the only one who wishes she was wearing glasses and her hair up so she could do the sexy librarian head shake for us.

Rita HayworthReading about Abraham Lincoln is totally hot.

Audrey TautouThis isn’t technically her library, but I can’t resist the lovely lines.

MadonnaI don’t think this is Madonna’s library either. But who knows. She can definitely afford to have a room in her house just dedicated to ancient parchments.

Diane KeatonFine, so she isn’t in it right now, but don’t you wish you were?

Ava Gardner Olivia de HavillandAdmit it, old-school Hollywood stars had better lounging-around-to-read clothes.

Marilyn MonroeDid you know she was an avid reader? She had a personal library of over 400 books. Bombshell and bookworm. Be still my heart.

EDIT: Damn, I mixed up my Olivia and Ava reading pictures. Apologies. We will see the lovely Ava another time, I promise.

Oh, fudge it

My apologies. I had my hands full last night wrangling Padma Lakshmi & Co. for my “Top Chef All-Stars” recap for AfterEllen later today. And then my laptop came down with a nasty virus that delayed everything this morning. Oh, December, already with the illnesses. Now, I know I talk a lot about my mmm, Padma, Mmm. But she is, of course, not the only Kitchen Goddess I worship. I also like to lay sweet, chocolatey offerings at the feet (well, actually bosom) of the simply scrumptious Nigella Lawson. The thing that is so wonderful about Nigella (besides, clearly, that bosom) is her unfettered embrace of the concept of food porn. No one licks chocolate off a slotted spoon like Nigella. I mean, who else can make pouring condensed milk deliciously obscene? So, with that, please enjoy Nigella making chocolate pistachio fudge. If that doesn’t put you in the, um, holiday spirit, nothing will.

p.s. OK, for the hold outs, here is something else to lift those, um, spirits. You’re welcome.

Two great things that go great together

If you’ve ever wanted to watch my head explode, then come on over to my house at 9:30 p.m. on November 12. That is the day, The Day, that Padma no-one-eats-a-burger-sexier-than-me Lakshmi will drop by “30 Rock.” Padma and Tina…together…on my TV. Oh, Damn. Never mind waiting until Nov. 12, that splat you just heard was my head exploding in anticipation.

The thing about this coupling is 1) It makes perfect sense and 2) I totally did not expect it. Liz Lemon loves food and we know she likes to settle in for the night with “a meatball sub with extra bread, bottle of NyQuil, TiVo Top Chef.” Also, NBC owns Bravo, so - duh - cross promotion. Yet, for whatever reason, my brain never anticipated this merger of my dream women before. How can this be? Was my subconscious just protecting me from the impending hyperventilation? At this point, I realize I’ve probably lost 95 percent of you who do not share my obsessive devoted Fey-naticism. But, you'll just have to indulge me because, ZOMG, it's Tina and Padma! Now the only question is what to call this meeting of The Hot? Tidma? Padna? Feyshmi?

Padma will appear as herself in the episode titled “The Problem Solvers,” which also introduces guest star Cheyenne Jackson. See, the gay gals get some eye candy and the gay boys get some eye candy. That’s what I can a really gay win-win.

So far, the promos only show Padma with Jack. I swear, Tina better find a way to get her and her bi-curious shoes in the same frame with Padma or my head will explode, but in the bad way. Wait, is there a good way for your head to explode? Wait, am I rambling? Whatever, the point is: Padma + Tina = RIP Ms. Snarker’s head.

p.s. For those who need to warm up before the big event, check out Padma with Nigella Lawson...in robes...in bed from this week’s “Top Chef.” Granted, they need to either push those two beds together or pick one, but still, hello food porn. I swear, if they simultaneously lick stuff off spoons, my poor brain won't even make it until Nov. 12.

p.p.s. Don't even think my mind hasn't gone here already. Because, whoooo-doggie, it has and it has often.