Planet Manola: Fried Chicken, Food, Sex and Fat

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently. If you are easily offended, do not read on!

Photo courtesy of thebittenword.com on Flickr.

RECESSION FRIENDLY FRIED CHICKEN

I nearly bust a gut laughing when my fellow writer buddy Teresa Mears (@miamicheap) reported Michy's $33 all-you-can-eat fried chicken special on her fabulous (and practical!) site, Miami on the Cheap:

For $33 per person, you can get endless helpings of fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, coleslaw and watermelon Greek salad, plus a piece of dark chocolate cream pie for dessert. The price doesn’t include tax, tip or drinks.

Now, I don't have anything against Michelle Bernstein or her Biscayne corridor restaurant, Michy's. In fact, I'm all for the culinary adventures and success of any woman who had made it in hard-ass business in an even harder part of town. Kudos, all the way.

But Michy, please ... Are you fucking kidding me? $33 for fried chicken? FRIED CHICKEN? $33 for the classic, cheap American comfort food? $33 for what? A cupla chicken breasts? I mean how much am I gonna eat, really? And why would I eat your fried chicken when I can get your awesome and exclusive Miami Spice menu for $35? And what's up with not having collard greens, mac and cheese and cornbread? And does this fried chicken come with a lotto ticket?

Boy, I imagine there are some cash-strapped families in Liberty City who would either laugh or cry over this offer. Or, I can just imagine a few people getting off at the Greyhound Bus station downtown and saying, "hey, let's take a bus to Michy's and chow down on some of that cheap $33 fried chicken." (Surely, the extra expense is worth it over the fried chicken sold at the gas station across the street from Soyka.)

Come to think of it, how does the $33 price tag compare to blow jobs and crack on Biscayne?

Oy vay, I don't know if Michy's chickens lay golden eggs or what, but I hope this doesn't become a trend in our city's finer restaurants. What's next? Barton G doing their own version of a Denny's Grand Slam?

There's chicken. And then there's chicken. Pass the KFC bucket, please.

(PS, every self-respecting Miamian should follow @miamicheap.)

No, it's not a penis, but it sure would be nice if I had one for dessert. Photo by yours truly taken recently at the food-gasmic @hyattpier66 brunch in Fort Lauderdale.

FOOD PHILOSOPHY

And speaking of food and people to follow on Twitter, one of my favorites is Jennifer Iannolo (@foodphilosophy) of the Culinary Media Network, a gorgeous, informative food and travel website. Jennifer's writing focuses on the sensual aspects of food, which of course I love. Recently, she started a meme on twitter called #sexonaplate, which provides me with mouth-watering fantasies all day long. As Jennifer explains it:

The original “sex on a plate” quote comes from my first manifesto, On Food and Sensuality, written in 2004 when I discovered that the pre-consumption sight and/or smell of certain foods evokes a visceral reaction in me that is so sensually satisfying, the eating is almost an afterthought. Almost.

So now I’m asking what evokes that reaction in you. What makes you swoon? Sigh? Tremble? Drool?

I do have an ulterior motive here, which has become my life’s work: I want you to eat better food and have better sex. They go together, you see.

I couldn't agree more. Especially with the first line of her manifesto: “Never trust a woman who doesn’t like to eat. She is probably lousy in bed.”

Amen, sister.

Read this manifesto NOW. You'll never eat the same way again.

(PS This edition is about ladies in the kitchen, but Jennifer works with Chef Mark (@chefmark), who is another great follow from the Culinary Media Network.)

GONZOGASTRONOMY

Another favorite food blogger, Katie Pizzuto (@gonzogastronomy), also writes zestfully about food on her site Gonzogastronomy, inspired by Hunter S. Thompson's term gonzo journalism, of course.

And speaking of chicken, Katie's biting wit is clear in her latest post about how to make things taste good without "the fat crutch":

I’ve recently come to the forehead-smacking conclusion that most of the chefs whose mantra is “fat is flavor” have that mantra because they’re just fucking lazy. Putting a half-stick of butter in a pan to finish a dish is undoubtedly going to be delicious, but it’s easy—and, of course, fattening as all hell. . . .

The challenge that presented itself to me is the one that, in the end, forced me to define just how good I am in a kitchen. Exactly how good can you make that chicken breast taste, sister, if you can’t deep-fry it, wrap it in pancetta or drizzle it with a cream sauce, hmmm?

Amen, sister!

Now if anyone can come up with a low-fat, low-cost version of fried chicken, I'd be in heaven.

And by the way, I'm really tempted to do a blind review of Michy's fried chicken. I'll just see if I can wrap my mind (and wallet) around the $33 tab, which you know is gonna be more, since you gotta have some bubbly with fried chicken.

Me Thinks The Lady Doth Protest Too Much

"Cockle-dooodle-do!" quoth the rooster. "Awaken ye Hens!" -- Edgar Allen Schmoe

Attila the Hun may be long dead, but surely these ladies would've also bared their all to protest his slaughterhouse tactics against humans! Heck, even Ivan the Terrible would've been impressed at their courage, but not before disemboweling several of these fair maidens.

We at Manola 180 do not promote the barbaric treatment of poultry, however, we must question the use of female sex objects as an effective means of engaging public awareness, especially in South Beach, where tits and ass are always in plain view. If these chicks had ruffled their feathers in Buffalo, New York right smack in the dead of winter, no one would deny they had balls!

We contacted Susan B. Anthony with our ouija board for commentary; the legendary feminist was a bit befuddled. "Oh my lord. I thought they were protesting culturally-sanctioned crimes against womankind, such as the cliterectomies still performed today in some African nations," said Anthony. "I'm thrilled these ladies are protesting without threat of bodily harm, but we managed to support universal suffrage without even showing a stitch of our bloomers!"

Whether or not you agree with the protester's choice of wardrobe (or lack thereof), it's clear the girls were not attuned to the linguistic idiosyncracies of Miami's Hispanic culture, where the gesture loses its serious message in translation:

If you want to be taken seriously, everyone knows you should never use bollo to protest pollo!

Get full coverage over at SotP. If you are easily offended, please do not visit www.justsexandfriedchicken.com.

Photograph courtesy of the very lensgasmic Miami Fever.

PS ... I'm back!

tags: kfc, south beach, protest, naked, chicken, bollo

Just Sex and Fried Chicken! JOIN NOW!

The laws of sexual congress dictate that you know within a minute if you'll sleep with someone you just met or not ... especially if you're drunk ... and then, so help me God, you usually do.

But in the world where the laws of sexual courtesy overrule the decisions of Judge Libido -- a world riddled with executive-level professionals more concerned with impressing rather than undressing -- there has to be a way of solving those age-old problems: a) "what if I don't like you after I sleep with you?" and b) "what if I want to sleep with you but have to run to a meeting?"

Unlike JUST LUNCH, a dating service for the rich and overly-occupied, JUST SEX AND FRIED CHICKEN offers a great alternative. We help clients save time AND money. For pete's sake, if you're too busy to meet, greet and arrange to have a meal together, you'll never get laid. Fortunately, however, everyone's gotta have lunch, right? And after burning all those calories, what could be better than the convenience of a bucket of KFC and a glass of chilled Dom Perignon -- all within an hour!