The Friday Sex Blog [Power and Surrender]

¡Hola! Everybody...
If you’re shopping today, then you’re fuckin’ crazy...

Period! LOL

I spent most of my Thanksgiving night running around with friends, visiting various homes and begging for food. Just to show you how much of an ingrate I am, I not only took food from one young lady, but I also attempted to seduce -- in the process expanding on the definition of “eating.” ::grin::

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-=[ S/M, Power and Surrender ]=-

“Woman’s destiny is to be wanton, like the bitch, the she-wolf; she must belong to all who claim her.”

-- Marquis de Sade

I once horrified a graduate school professor when I told him the story of how my mother would sometimes not only make me fetch the leather strap she beat me with, but would often make me smell it as a warning. Now, if you’re not from my culture, you may not understand this, but it was something that I saw with regularity in the Puerto Rican communities I was raised. In fact, that day, as I described this form of punishment during class, there was only one other person who understood -- she was giggling -- and she was a Boricua also, probably had been made to smell the leather too.

To my professor and classmates, I was describing child abuse (and I agree). However, everything must be taken within its cultural context. The funniest thing was that I was wearing all leather that day, as my professor astutely noted. LOL

I think many of readers don’t understand me. I don’t like to inflict pain -- I am not a sadist. I do, however, understand the connections between pain and pleasure and power. My major concern as a lover is to be concerned with giving my partner pleasure (and deriving some for myself, of course! LOL!).

Many of you, mindlessly seizing on an opportunity to yelp out an opinion, will quickly deny that you have never incorporated aspects of dominance and submission, but I think you’re full of shit. If you wear high heels, you’re willingly submitting to at least some uncomfortably in order to please -- pain/ pleasure. Women wear clothes that make no functional sense and are often uncomfortable -- who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to put zippers where you can’t see them? The fact that you need the help of another to dress/ undress is itself a form of submission.

::blank stare::

But there are huge misconceptions about S/M or S&M, terms evolved from the word sadomasochism. The dictionary defines sadomasochism as the “perversion” of deriving sexual pleasure from either the infliction of the experience of pain. Most misconceptions about S/M originate from this unfortunate definition. Sadomasochism is often used to describe the nonsexual interchange between people involved in abusive behaviors. A bullying boss or battering husband is referred to as a “sadist,” while anyone physically or emotionally self-destructive is referred to as a “masochist.”

Add to this that Hollywood has done it best to advance stereotypes about S/M. How many movies have cast psychopathic transsexual or transvestite villains, or spice up their plots by involving murderous practitioners of “S/M”? Talk about having your cake and it eating, too! You’re invited to indulge in the sexually arousing images of spike-heeled dominatrixes or leather-clad masters, but by the end of the movie, you’re taken off the moral hook because all the evil sadists and pathetic masochists have been killed off, and the virgin (who’s usually delightfully tortured) gets to keep her virtue (and so do you).

SMDH

The fact is that S/M has nothing to do with coercion, either sexual or nonsexual. The common denominator in all S/M play is not a violent exchange of pain but a consensual exchange of power. That S/M is about eroticized power play is no small distinction. Understanding that S/M is not about physical or emotional abuse is crucial to understanding and demystifying the subject. Some people in the S/M community feel that sadomasochism is an inaccurate term to describe their experience, often preferring such terms as dominance and submission, sensuality and mutuality, or power and trust.

As the definition of S/M has broadened to include role-playing and heightening sensation, there has been a growing interest in the subject. In addition, with the growing awareness of the risks of STDs, many people are intrigued by the prospect of sexual play that is arousing yet doesn’t necessarily involve genital sex. Factor in the popularization of fetish items such as leather, lingerie, collars and corsets -- as seen in music videos and fashion magazines -- and what you have is the phenomenon some of us call “S/M lite” -- S/M imagery that has permeated mainstream culture.

Next week, I will attempt to introduce you to an erotic style enjoyed and articulated by a wide range of people from all walks of life. For those whose curiosity is sparked, I will offer a few starting points where participants can explore power play in a safe, structured environment.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [Painful Sex]

Hola! Everybody…
I swear: if one more white person tries to lecture me on racial tolerance, imma choke them! My comment is not aimed at most people on my list, nor necessarily aimed at only my online contacts. Since Obama’s victory, I’ve had several white people attempt to lecture me on my language or how my writing is insensitive or even evil and hateful. LMAOOO!

My question to those who would preach racial tolerance to people of color is: where have you been all these years?!!

::blank stare::

Oh yeah, before I forget: All white people please report to their local friendly neighborhood plantation for orientation tomorrow at 7AM sharp!

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-=[ Painful Sex ]=-

“Sex without pain is like food without flavor.”

-- Marquis de Sade

LOL! No, I am not going to write about the pain that the great Marquis wrote of above in that quote. I’ll address that next week. This week, it’s all about painful intercourse. No, not the pleasurable pain of the yank of the hair or that well-placed smack on the ass. No, this week I’m addressing the fact that it is not normal for a woman to experience pain or discomfort during intercourse. Many women endure it, perhaps believing that painful sex is just the way things are. Others often blame themselves (as some women are wont to do), erroneously thinking they suffer from some sexual dysfunction. But self-blame or putting up with the pain is not the answer.

First things first: women need to realize that if intercourse is painful, there’s something wrong. Not that long ago, it was widely believed that when a woman experienced pain during intercourse it was because there was something psychologically wrong with her. Sex felt painful, the conventional wisdom went, because she was filled with guilt or sexual anxiety, or repressed rage toward her partner, or some such Freudian nonsense. But science has gone through a seismic shift since the 1980s.

Today, it is understood that there is almost always something physically wrong when a woman experiences painful intercourse. Some sexologists and doctors estimate that in 90 percent of the cases, it’s a physiological issue. When a woman describes pain on penetration, there is usually a physical source if you look for it.

This is good news. Instead of having to withstand what amounts to a psychologically torturous process of self-introspection, and perhaps undergoing years of therapy, a woman may discover that whole problem may be caused by something as simple (and treatable) as a pelvic infection, or even constipation (eat roughage, biatches! LOL!). The important thing is to persist until you find an answer and get some satisfaction. The bad news is that this is not always so easy.

Women should be prepared for the fact that many physicians are not exactly familiar with current scientific knowledge when it comes to dealing with painful intercourse (known as dyspareunia: say: “dis-par-oon-ya”), and it may take considerable effort on your part to find the correct diagnosis. One start is seeing a gynecologist, but if that doesn’t work, women should continue to seek other professional opinion until they get a satisfactory answer. After all, it’s your sex life and it’s more important than your car, and if your car wasn’t working, you’d persist until you found someone who could fix it.

One caveat: if a physician recommends surgery, get a second or even third opinion. Sometimes surgery is appropriate, but it can also make the situation worse.

Part of the reason for the difficulty of diagnosing painful intercourse is because it’s so often wrapped up in the disguise of psychosomatic (mind-caused) complaints. For example, it’s common for women experiencing painful intercourse to suffer from vaginismus, an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina that makes it difficult or impossible for a penis (or a tampon or anything else) to penetrate. The thing is that vaginismus is inevitable if the pain is caused by some other physical disorder because it’s only natural -- it’s the mind’s way of protecting the body from pain, by slamming shut the old kitty. The message is: “That hurts, ma’fucca, stop!”

But the main reason why painful intercourse is so hard to diagnose is that it can be caused by so many different conditions, ranging from minor infections to serious problems like pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). You can help your gynecologist get at the root of the problem more quickly if you pay close attention to the pain, noticing where and where it hurts.

Good questions would be: When does it happen -- all during intercourse, or only sporadically? Where does it hurt -- deep inside, or only around the vaginal entrance (the pearly gates? LOL!) Is it deep thrusting that hurts, or shallower strokes? If you have more than one partner, you slut (LOL), does it occur with all of them, or just one (i.e., Joe Knechbone with the 12-incher). How long has this been going on?

It may be useful to use some lubrication like K-Y or Astroglide and see if the pain persists. If you’re experiencing pain under a wide range of circumstances, there’s generally some underlying physical problem.

Pain at the vaginal entrance -- the female external genital organs (the vulva, which includes the labia, clitoris, and entrance to the vagina) -- is most often the result of infection. Infection of the vagina is referred to as vaginitis. Yeast infection (Candida) is a common form of vaginitis. Women are at increased risk for yeast vaginitis if they take antibiotics or cortisone medications, during pregnancy, and if their immune systems are suppressed by medications or disease.

If you’re experiencing pain only with deep penetration, other things may be to blame. Chronic constipation is one of the most common causes of pain during intercourse and the easiest to treat. Deep thrusting causes the most pain in women who have a tipped uterus because such a condition tends to block the bowels. The solution is to clean up the pipes.

Another common problem is that normally during arousal, the inner two-thirds of the vagina opens up like a filling up of a balloon, pulling the cervix up and out of harm’s way. But when a woman gets insufficiently aroused, the cervix stays in place and suffers painful battering by the penis during intercourse.

Another problem is PID. An infection of the deeper structures of the reproductive system is one of the most serious problems.

Finally, some couples are simply mismatched. It may mean that a woman’s anatomy doesn’t quite match her partner’s. It’s possible that the penis is too large, too long, or too fat to fit her vagina comfortably. If his penis is too long, she can close her legs, creating an extra two inches for the penis.

More likely, however, it’s his skill as a lover that needs some adjustment. There are no rigid women, only clumsy men. It’s often the case that the woman’s partner needs to be more sensitive and attentive during foreplay, waiting until she’s adequately lubricated before attempting penetration. A host of factors may cause the lack of arousal, but the result is always the same: she’s not ready and it hurts.

It also may help to try different positions, as they reconfigure the anatomy and amount and depth of penetration.

Whatever the case may be, it always helps to be knowledgeable and seek professional care if the pain persists.

Next week: exploring the boundaries of pain and pleasure.

Love,

Eddie