I have a tendency to be overly analytical. Okay I should amend that to read at least in my little corner of the real world I'm judged as overly analytical. At Roissy I barely skim the surface of the trait. So let me analyze my singleness shall we? (Oh it's a long one - you might want to break it down to smaller segments just to stay awake - just sayin...)
I'll compartmentalize myself in a few categories below and I'll rate either positive or negative.
Number one reason for a dude to be attracted to a female is looks.
I'm attractive enough. Default says this about women on his blog, "While every man wants the hottest girl he can, the male attraction response is mostly thresholded. If a woman is hot enough he will be attracted. A man going home with least beautiful woman from a room full of beauties will not be unhappy. A nine is a nine, even if the rest were tens." I'm not saying I'm a nine, I'm just saying I measure up alright with women in most ways. Roissy says it's look first for men and Default says its relative. I believe them both. So that criteria for date ability is taken care of.
Attractive enough - check.
I'm friendly. No really, I'm friendly. Comment_Whatever has described me as sharp at times, but you have to REALLY push my buttons or shock me to get me there. I'm down home Maritimer friendly. We're bred to be that way, hospitable and willing to greet anyone we pass. We'll smile at you not look past you like most places I've been since. I could be intimidating if I didn't have this nature. I don't mean because I'm super hot either. I have poise and class which my dad, a military officer, instilled in all of his children. This can be off putting to those without it. I compensate with warmth not chill. Not saying class is a bad thing, but it can give an air of aloofness if not combined with something else. My style of communication is very charismatic in person which I sometimes forget about - I can lead people easily but then forget or become confused when they also want to be my best friend. Charisma in professional settings for me does NOT translate to personal relationships and it hurts some people. In situations where I'm seeking a personal relationship I'm less charismatic and more friendly.
Friendly - check.
I'm funny for a female. I know its been said that women can't be funny and I agree mostly. I am hit or miss - thankfully I am fully aware of when I hit - oh and when I bomb. My funniness is in quick, witty replies unfortunately it doesn't extend to my writing, although it would be cool if it did. I'm sharp enough to banter wits with the best, but not cutting enough to slice and shred them. I don't need to win the battle I'm content just to play. Men either really like this trait or they don't. I wouldn't say my sense of humour has stopped a relationship from going forward. though.
Humour - check.
I am confident. It's only since visiting Roissy that I've realized this isn't necessarily an attractive or needed quality in a woman. An eight is still an eight whether she has confidence or not. In fact over-confidence can be off putting. I'm far more likely however to be over confident in a room full of females than a room full of men. That said I have falsely put on confidence thinking it was attractive and I no longer do that. It's kind of comforting to know that lack of confidence will not be a deterrent in men's attraction to me.
Confidence - neutral
I'm not a 20 something any longer. I wasted my young adulthood on the wrong guy. I can't get the years back of course, but I don't believe it will stop me from having happiness in my future. I am seeking an older partner in large part because I think I'll be valued more by him than I would by a younger or my own age man. Often alpha men my age or younger are looking for me as a sexual partner. I have value in their eyes in the bedroom arena, but they have options in the younger age categories for ltr's. When young men approach me and it happens more than I'm comfortable with I always tell them "I WANT to be the hot, young thing, not the other way round". They laugh and try to convince me age is relative yada yada yada. I don't sway.
Youth - Negative
I am the girliest of girls. I love to dress up and be pretty. I will rarely venture outside my own front door if I don't feel good about myself. I prefer dresses and skirts to pants and high heels are always on my feet. I'm not the tallest chick at 5'5" so it's not threatening to most men to be wearing them. I like to do my hair and make-up and know how to flatter my best features. The downside of this of course is vanity. You get used to compliments and struggle when they aren't forthcoming. I've never been a nine, but have been considered in my own limited gene pool as hot. A.J. Travis refers to girls who are hot as having a tendency to be very insecure. A.J give this interesting description on his blog which I think is very accurate, "...Even if they are smart, funny, rich, whatever... all of that is second to their appearance. And when your perfect looks determine your worth, you will be constantly on guard for flaws. That means endless hours in front of the mirror, at the gym, in the tanning booth, having your teeth whitened, etc. And still they cannot stop every 'imperfection,' so they will inevitably end up sobbing over every zit, bump, wrinkle and misplaced hair. They never enjoy their beauty, and after a while, neither will you anymore."
I have to admit I'm more like that than I'd care to admit. I mean who's the chic having chin lipo? Ya...uh huh.
Feminine - check
Insecure about looks- negative
I have a fantastic job. I work long hours but am rewarded emotionally as well as in my pocket book. I have the luxury of travel, housekeepers, a huge wardrobe and who could forget the future cosmetic surgery budget. I don't spend too much time talking about this with potential partners. I realize men aren't as interested in what I do as I am in what they do. My need to have a partner match or exceed my status poses some difficulties. Call me shallow if you will (and some will), but hypergamy is a real folks like it or not. Wiki says this: " Hypergamy (colloquially referred to as marrying up) is the act or practice of seeking a spouse of equal or higher socio-economic status, or caste status than oneself.[1] The term is often used more specifically in reference to a widespread tendency amongst human cultures for females to seek or be encouraged to pursue male suitors that are comparatively older, wealthier or otherwise more privileged than themselves" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypergamy
Hypergamy - negative due to my place on the socio-ecomomic ladder
Myers-Brigg's results are very popular on Roissy. In my own world I can honestly say the references are very infrequently made. I didn't know my own type until recently. I have done strength based tests and found that positivity, strategic thinking and communication have figured prominently in my top three. Tom Rath's Strength Finder 2.0 is interesting. I had my entire team of managers take it to better understand ourselves and then work from our own areas of strengths. Anywhoo I took the Myers-Briggs test and determined fairly easily that I was an ENFJ.
Interestingly ENFJ's are found in only 5% of the population. Everything I read on an ENFJ rings true to me and it's kind of eerie to see yourself so well represented by a simple test. In the love/home realm I found this:
ENFJ's are socially adept and make excellent companions and mates. They also are deeply devoted yet tend not to be domineering to their mate (In fact I prefer a domineering man). In fact, the ENFJ is so even-tempered that he or she can be victimized by a mate who might have become more and more demanding (been there done that got the hat).
ENFJ mates always try to please and feel personally responsible when home life does not go smoothly. They are tireless in their efforts to see that it does, providing generously from available income, time, and energy. This dedication often exists, however, side by side with an ENFJ's dream of the perfect relationship-a characteristic of all NF's, but one which is particularly strong in an ENFJ. Thus an ENFJ has that longing for the ideal that results in a vague dissatisfaction with whatever is in the way of relationships, mating as well as friendships.
Looking back at my ltr the above rings true. I baffled friends with the efforts I put in to make our life perfect. I was the perfect girl friend not because I wanted to have that label but because I really wanted to be perfect for him. I did try to change him to make him match the view I had of a perfect relationship, bad move.
More information: ENFJ's would do well to follow their hunches, for their intuition tends to be well developed. Decisions made purely on the basis of logic may not be so sound, and checking with a person who has a strong T preference might be at times advisable for the ENFJ. In the framework of values, however, the ENFJ is on certain ground. Generally, they know what they prefer and can read other people with outstanding accuracy. Seldom is an ENFJ wrong about the motivations or intent of another, hidden or not.
That is very true. I've often said my best skill is in picking people and trust me I'm very picky. I have a fantastic leadership team virtually hand picked by me. This however has always translated to extreme pickiness when it comes to men. I know almost immediately if I want to have anything more to do with the dude. It's a vibe I get either good or bad. Like it says above not always logical - tru dat - but I do know/feel like minded values. This makes for a low number of men I've had sex with. I'm not saying I've had little sex however, there IS a difference.
Choosy- negative (I won't change this)
So to recap:
negatives
Choosy
Lack of Youth
Insecure about Looks ie. vain
Hypergamy
Positives:
Attractive
Friendly
Humorous
Feminine
Neutral:
Confidence
ENFJ
I think I'm dateable after all is said and done. My choosiness is an issue to be sure. So readers who live near me (which is no one) if you're one of the following types contact me. Otherwise I'm going to be doing this post a year from now. Sigh
So here is what I need for my ENFJ type:
The opposite on the S side is ISTP, the "artisan." It is not difficult to see how the teacher inherent in the ENFJ would want to "bring out" the craftsman in the ISTP. The artisan, however, has another side to his nature that pops up occasionally and in some cases is a life theme: adventure and exploration. The ISTP can, so to speak, be wayward, take off for parts unknown. It is difficult to imagine a similar desire on the part of the ENFJ to bring out adventuresomeness.
The ENFJ, on the intuitive side, finds the INTP attractive. Now here is a splendid target for our catalyst, for beneath the cool, collected, detached, and doubting exterior lies an architect of buildings, machines, tools, operations, tactics, languages, mathematics, or whatever can be designed. If, that is, this latently capable designer can be "activated" or "brought out".
I'm equal in positives and negatives so I guess this explains a little bit more to me why I'm still single. My choosiness is of my own making, just the barometer which is part of my being. Hypergamy is a cultural thing and I can consciously try to work against this. Vanity and its resultant insecurity will be a hard one to overcome, it's deep rooted and goes back to my mother (lots of issues there trust me). I can't change the fact I'm not young any more. I can work hard at maintaining the attributes associated with it though. Without being childish I can retain a youthful attitude, I can keep my skin healthy, my weight down and when things like double chins arrive I'll do what I can. I like to look good and I think my future man will appreciate it.
So I guess I can believe I'm still single but I also believe I won't be forever. Nursing home hook-ups happen you know!
I used http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfj.htm for the info above.
The picture was a result of a suggestion from Comment_Whatever regarding stamping my forhead with ENFJ. I liked the idea, but the tatoo artist refused - something about insane women something or other.
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