You see, my writing partner is very health-conscious and a yoga instructor, on top of being an amazing author, and she (at my request) is encoraging me to find some time every day to get on the treadmill, or otherwise be active. Ever since I started my edits, I've become very stagnate. Sitting in my chair and editing all the time is doing wonders for my giant azz. (That was sarcasm....don't like it? Find a new blog. I dish it out by the shovelful here.)
So....since yesterday was my 35th (HOLY SNAP) birthday, I decided that my new committment to having some active time every day would start today. (Because I was too busy yesterday eating the cheese my girlfriend brought me, as well as the triple chocolate mousse cake my nerd brought home from me. And no, you didn't misunderstand me......triple chocolate mousse cake. I literally took one bite of this cake and pissed myself. I wish I were joking.) So this morning, I told myself that I wasn't allowed to get on my laptop and start editing until I'd put in my 30 minutes on the treadmill.
So...............after whining and b*tching and griping and stomping around and (at one point) sucking my thumb in a corner.....
I got on the friggin' treadmill.
So many thoughts were going through my head. Mostly swear words. Sometimes prayers.....but also a lot of angst-and-rage-filled observations and comments. I decided to share some of them with you. So that next time you are at the gym and you see an overweight person working out and think to yourself, "That person should be smiling. Why is he/she grimacing?" Well....this is why:
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Brooke's Mind While Working Out:
1.) "Once I get thin and muscular, I am going to kick the sh*t out of every skinny b*tch I come in contact with. Even the nice ones. They all deserve to die."
2.) "I hope this whole damn house burns down and the treadmill explodes into a million pieces. I don't care how much money we spent on it. I f-ing hate this thing."
3.) "I can actually feel my stomach jiggling. It's bouncing with every step I take, and then there is an aftershock for a millisecond before I take another step. The trembling and shaking never stops. It's like a constant dance my fat is doing to mock me while I try to walk on this thing. There are perpetual tremors. My fat stomach is literally like Japan right now."
4.) "I hope I fall down and break my leg. Sure, it would hurt, and I'm home alone with the kids and that will pose a real problem, but if I break my leg, I can justify not everdoing this sh*t again! Wait, wait....how much is our Emergency Room copay?"
5.) "How much triple chocolate mousse cake is left from last night? I can smell that damn cake from here. It's in the flippin' fridge at the opposite end of the house, and I can smell it. What the crap is that about? Do I have super human nostrils? Am I bionic? Why can I smell that.....oh dear God, that smells good. I need some cake. I NEED SOME CAKE."
6.) "Is that smoke? First cake, and now I smell smoke? What the hell? OH SNAP! My thighs are rubbing together so much that I've started a small housefire! I'm actually smoking hot right now, and not in a good way! Ouch ouch ouch! It's hot. Crap, these are the only shorts I have that fit!! Good grief...." *Swat, pat, swat*
7.) "Look at those darling children sitting there, watching reruns of Rug Rats while I slave away on the treadmill. Such sweethearts, letting their mommy work out. But wait.......I was thin before I started having children. I used to be able to wear bras with just one or two hooks, instead of the five hookers I am sporting right now! I used to be able to wear red without someone yelling KOOL AID! Little jerks. Look at them eating their Frosted Flakes with 2% milk like they are none the wiser........I oughtta....oh wait, those look good. I'm gonna have Frosted Flakes for lunch."
8.) "I hope that skinny b*tch who lives down the street is anorexic. I hope she feels like crap about herself and jams her hand down her throat every night to stay thin! HA! Wait wait wait....that's mean. I hope she's perfectly healthy and has healthy eating habits and likes to scrapbook every day like a good wife and mother...........oh hell, who am I kidding? I hope she wants to cry every time she looks in the mirror and lives on Marlboro's and Tic Tacs!"
9.) "Gah...it would be really nice to have sex with the lights on for once. That's right....there's the motivation...push harder! Woo hoo! I'm up to 4 miles per hour! Alright! Maybe I will have sex sometime with the lights on AND the curtains open! Oh, I am going 4.2 mph now! Holy shizzle, I am going to be so skinny when I am done! Maybe the skinny b*tch down the street would like to work out with me? We could be work out buddies! The heck with the lights and curtains, I'm hiring a camera crew when I have sex as a skinny person! Oh, this is going to be so awesome..................*Sniff, sniff* Hey, is that triple chocolate mousse cake?"
10.) "I can't feel my legs. And one of my eyes is trembling. There is a strange buzzing in my left ear, and three of my fingers on my right hand are completely numb. This is a sign that I shouldn't be working out. If it isn't a sign, I don't know what is. I need a nap."
*SIGH* It was a good work out. I had some strange thoughts, but overall, I did my 30 minutes and now I am on the laptop editing, which is what I wanted to be doing the whole time. What are your thoughts while working out?
Brooke Moss.
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