Simple observations.

I ran errands with my two youngest children today.

For the record, this is ill advised.

For starters, Thing 1 is four years old, and will probably wind up in jail some day. I hope this prediction doesn't actually come to pass, but he is priming himself for a life of crime already. He can get out of anything, often tunneling under the back fence, or scaling it if roots or rocks prohibit his venture. And he is a smooth talker. He can talk and talk and talk and talk...until you are just so frustrated that you'd be willing to give him the car keys and a credit card just to get him to shut up.

And no. I didn't actually tell him to shut up, so let's reserve judgment for another day, shall we?

And with Thing 1 and I on this journey was Thing 2, who will be three in June, and is on the Autism Spectrum and has Sensory Processing Disorder. The reason this is a big deal is...noise, lights, sounds, people, extreme cold or hot, music, etc etc etc.....all of these things irritate and just generally piss off Thing 2. This can make an already stressed trip to Walmart even more miserable. Case in point: The time I threatened to choke a woman in the deoderant aisle for lecturing me on how to keep my already miserable and hysterical child quiet.

Not a shining moment in my life.

But still....the B*tch had it coming. Who tells someone that their kid needs to be medicated? I mean, really? Girfriend, you're wearing a belly shirt in January. Get a clue.

But I digress....

So today while we were out I made a few blog-worthy observations. Now, I'm not one to point out people's physical imperfections, being I am a woman of girthy stature and who often looks like Molly Ringwald circa 1986....IF she was stung by 7,000 bee's. But I couldn't help myself today. I really couldn't.

1.) Am I the only woman with some big ol' hooters who considers it a GIVEN that I have to put on a bra before leaving my house? I saw a woman who was in danger of getting scabbies on her nipples because they were going to drag on the pavement. Um.......yuck? Double yuck?

2.) When you are shopping with your three children in tow, wearing a zebra print lycra skirt that literally only covers the very minimum of azz cheek is probably a bad idea. Here's a hint: You're setting your daughter up for failure. She will become a whore, much like yourself, and wind up dirty-en up a pole somewhere. And if you're the daughter reading this: GO TO THE LIBRARY. READ BOOKS. BECOME SMART. GET A SCHOLARSHIP, AND GO TO COLLEGE. This advice will be your saving grace, I promise.

3.) When you tell your kids, "Oh, hell no! This time I am seriously gonna beat your a**!"............people can hear you. And no, we don't agree. When we are staring, it is because we are horrified, not because we are commiserating. You need anger management, and a visit from CPS. I might not be a perfect mother, but I certainly don't threaten to beat my kid's azzes while in public. No siree.

4.) When you hold up a line that is 7 people deep, so that you can argue with the cashier about whether or not you should be allowed to use your EBT (foodstamp) card to buy beer........people aren't happy. In fact, those of us who are actually buying food for nourishment can get pretty testy about that. Mind you, I was a single mom at one time. I get the need for some assistance. I get it. I was there. But never once did I try to by alcohol when my children needed to be fed. Please do us all a favor, and get a job. Oh, and a vasectomy. Stat.

Okay, my children need to be fed. And no, we're not having a cigarette and beer pie tonight. We're having real food. With lots and lots of cheese. Because, as my hero, Jennifer Crusie, said...."Cheesus Saves".

Brooke Moss.