My boyfriends.

I keep getting messages on Facebook asking me to list my many boyfriends. Apparently I refer to scattered men as my boyfriends often. Well....I can't really help it, you know. You'd be surprised by how many Hollywood hotties are really, really into chubby housewives from Washington state who have four kids and a cat allergy. Just sayin'...

So I decided to list my boyfriends today. Since it's getting hard for each of you to keep track of my many loves...this should make it easier. From now on, you'll be able to refer to them as #2, #6, #17...you get the picture. I know, I know, most people prefer to be referred to by name. And being referred to as a number can feel demeaning. However....if I were thin and hot, I would gladly be referred to as #24. You see? It's all about perspective.

Now...before I go on, I have to preface this with: I love my nerd. My hubby is the greatest man that ever walked the earth. He is alarmingly smart and incredibly funny. He buys me chocolate and cheese, and tells me I'm beautiful, even when I am wearing and Edward Cullen tee shirt with a bleach stain, my hair is flat and very lesiban-logger-ish (not that there's anything wrong with that), and my sweat pants are so threadbare, you can tell that I am not exactly prepared for swimsuit season. Yeah...how's that for a visual. Yes, my nerd is the absolute best, and I wouldn't trade him for any of these boyfriends. Ever.

So no nasty tweets or emails telling me that I need to be more loyal to my husband, alright? This is a blog. It is intended to be funny. Just like my Skinny B*tch post. FUNNY. Not personal....funny. Mmm, kay?

Alright...let's move on to the fun part. And as you read this list, please feel free to leave a list of your own boyfriends in the comment section. I love hearing my who my friend's boyfriends are. It's like trading baseball cards or something! Though I've never traded baseball cards......whatever.

Ok, so here is my list. In no particular order (I don't play favorites...often.) ...my boyfriends:

1.) Steven Tyler (Okay, I realize he is older than dirt and ugly as sin. But here is the deal: Once you see him perform from third row center...you will never be the same. You will want him. It's inevitable. Test my theory. I dare you.)

2.) Gerard Butler (This one really needs no explanation. He seems so gritty and rogue-like. He is one of those guys--and we've all known one--who comes home hammered, pukes on your front porch, comes in and breaks a lamp, swears loudly, then looks at you--while swaying--and asks you to take your pants off in not such a nice manner. And so.......you do. Nuff said. Gerard is one of those guys who can get away with damn near anything. And I love him for it.)

3.) Robert Pattinson (Alright....I realize that I am going to get some arguments on this choice. He is very skinny and has sort of a bobble-head quality about him. HOWEVER, when he is not playing Edward Cullen, he has this "I haven't showered in days, and my hair is greasy and disgusting" quality about him. Though, I recently saw Water For Elephants, and that boy cleans up nicely. He seems so insecure and innocent. It makes me want to lock him in a room, smack him around, and have my way with him. Then send him out into the world as a better person. You're welcome, Mr. Pattinson.)

4.) Ryan Reynolds (Ok, this one is simple....great body, incredibly funny. Done and done. He's perfect. Maybe a little too perfect, but he would tell a joke and all would be well again. *Sigh*)

5.) Jesse Williams (This dude is pretty gorgeous. In fact, he is so gorgeous that I actually wrote my character of Gabe Parker with him in mind. Seriously. I think he could play a cocky, perfection-obsessed ad exec very well. Plus.......there are a few shirtless scenes, and I think it's unanimous that we all want Mr. Williams to take off his shirt. I mean, hello...)

6.) Gavin Rossdale (Jeepers, I've been lusting after this British hottie since I was 18 years old....which was a long time ago. A very....long....time....ago. Shut up. Yeah, then he married Gwen Stephani, who is my fashion Goddess, and here we are. Caught in a web of lust and jealousy. I'm sorry, Gwen, I really hear that Gavis is hot for the housewife thing. So sorry.)

7.) Rob Sacre (This is the basketball player I mentioned in my Easter blog. He visits my neighbors often, and I always camp out by my front window when he does. Seriously. Love him. Well, he's actually kind of a cocky punk, but what can I say? The kid is about 20 years old, so I actually have no right to stare at him anyway. I'm officially thr freaky old fat lady. Does that stop me? Not a chance.)

8.) Adrien Brody (Oh holy hell.......this guy has the whole ugly-hot thing down pat. Does he have the bone structure of Rob Pattinson? No. Does he have the smooth good looks of Jesse Williams? No. Does he have something about him that makes you want to remove your bra? Yes. Yes he does. My cousin met him in a bar when he came to the city I live in once. She called to tell me--as I am slightly obsessed with his awesomeness--and I lost my poop. I have a picture on the digital frame in our living room that she took with her cell phone. I heart Adrien Brody.)

9.) Dave Groll (I've seen the Foo Fighters in concert a few times, and there is something about the way he chews gum while he plays and sings that fascinates me. I can't really explain it, and even if I did, you would think I was nuts. But he has "it". What "it" is, I don't know. Just "it".)

10.) Kevin James (Alright.....don't blow a gasket. I know, he he isn't considered "hot", I get it. However, here's the deal: Its already been established that I have a weakness for funny guys. And KJ actually physically resembles my hubby, too. When we were on our second date, we went to see "Hitch" and Kevin was such a nerd in that movie, I  kept looking at my date and thinking, Is this the same dude, and by the end of the movie, I was in love with my nerd. Completely. Kevin James has floated my boat ever since.)

11.) I almost forgot.....this one is a tie: Joey McIntyre and Danny Wood (I have been loving these boys--well, old men now...but we've all gotten older--since I was 12 years old. That's....well...a long time. I realize this makes me uncool in some eyes, but a girl has to be true to her heart. And my heart first belonged to Mr. McIntyre. My tween dreams were of he and I getting married in an over the top catholic ceremony. Was I catholic? No. It didn't matter. And now that we're all old(er) now...my fondness has grown. I now lust after Mr. Wood *snort* as well. Um...look at him. He is a tanned and buff and tough and saddle-like....Yowza! He appeals to the 35 year old Brooke who has a thing for ugly hot.)

Well, I am sure I will come up with other boyfriends once I stop typing. After all, there are so many men in the world, and so little me to go around. (Well...more than there should be, but still...) I will close this blog now, as my pulse is racing, and I have an undeniable urge to watch Greys Anatomy and listen to some Aerosmith.

Who is on your boyfriend list?

Brooke Moss.