Worrying.

I come from a long line of worriers.

My mother is a worrier. My grandmother is a worrier. And I'm pretty sure many of my Aunts and Uncles are worriers, too. So I come by it honestly.

When I was a kid, I had awful, crippling panic attacks and everyone thought I was a brat and a nutbar. But they were real and terrifying. When I was a teen, I got ulcers. Whoever says that stress and worry doesn't aggrivate ulcers is a moron who has never had exceptional worries. Because they do. And it sucks.

Now, as an adult, I've learned to channel my worry into different things. Humor (mostly), writing, and insomnia. I haven't slept more than 6 hours in eleven years.

Um, yah. I've got stress.

I've learned that not everyone in the world, or my own family, appreciates my stress induced humor. I've also learned that I can't run away from my worries. I don't know how people can get drunk often or pop pills or get stoned to get away from their worries. I don't get it. In the few experiences I had with being drunk or stoned, I came out of it feeling even more paranoid and worried than I was in the beginning. Not that everyone should agree with me. I think I am just broken, and can't handle my booze. But I don't understand escapism in that form. My mom becomes in introvert (big time) and that is how she copes with stress. I don't know whether or not it is the RIGHT way to react to stress, but it works for her, so I try to let it go. I am an introvert, too. Physically speaking. I like to IM and email and Facebook, but none of that requires me to change out of my PJ's, so I stay happy in my caccoon.

But I do tend to worry. All the time. Night and day. It makes me sick. I have the immune system of a baby bird, for petes sake, all because of my worrying. I worry about my brothers. Both of them. They both have their own lives and their own problems, and for some sick reason, I have decided to mother hen them to death, and so I worry about them all the time. It's pathetic how much I think about both of them. Proof positive that I need a life.

I worry about my mom. She's alone and very introverted, and no matter how much I tell her to get out there and do more, and to call her siblings and do things with friends, she doesn't. She prefers to be submerged in solitude. I always worry about her. She's had a rough life, so much rougher than I ever realized, or than her own siblings ever realized. I'm just now finding out things that my mom went through over the years that are making me want to put my fist through the wall. I love her. I wish I could make things better for my mom, and make her happier, but I wonder sometimes if true happiness is ever going to be in the cards for her. It makes me sad.

I worry about my Dad. He has problems. Lots of them. And he's done things that he will be held accountable for someday, and I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, that's for damn sure. But despite all of that, and despite how stupid it might be, I love him. He's my dad, and he is sick, and he will probably never get better, and I think about him all the time.

I worry about my Aunt. She is currently waiting for a liver/kidney transplant, and not doing well. She is hanging in there like a champ, but every day that goes by, her struggle gets harder, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I worry about her kids, and I worry about her husband, my Uncle. I think about him all of the time, and I worry about how he will get through all of this, regardless of what the outcome is. She's one of those irreplacable relatives. I absolutely cannot imagine life without her, and it keeps me up at night to think about how uncomfortable and miserable she feels right now.

I worry about my kids. Constantly. Will my oldest keep his grades up, despite his ADD? Will my daughter have self esteem issues when she is older, because I can see them a brewin' already. Will the 3rd wind up in jail by the time he is 18, because he is REALLY, REALLY naughty. Will my youngest get back on track ever? Will this giant, life altering bomb of the ASD and SPD diagnosis effect our family forever? Will I ever be able to get through a day without crying out of frustration? Will people always look at him like he is a brat? Will people ever understand what my husband and I are going through with him?

I worry about my marriage. Not because it is in trouble, quite the opposite. We are good. But I love that man, and if something happened to him to make him want to leave me, or to take him off of this earth, I literally don't know what I would do. He is my best friend. He is everything I lack. He is perfect. How would I survive without him? I realize that it is dumb to think that way, but I think what my aforementioned Aunt and Uncle are going through have made me think about my own relationship in new ways.

I worry about money. All. The. Time.

Okay, Okay, I realize that everyone has worries, and so why am I ranting and raving about mine like a blithering idiot. I get it. So that's why I make jokes all the time. Put a smile on your face and say a sarcastic quip, and nobody will know that you're freaking the hell out on the inside. I learned that from my family, also. :)

I need to go take an antacid.

Brooke Moss.