Dear Little Man.

This is a letter to my youngest son that I wrote yesterday. We just found out (officially) that he has ASD and SPD. Don't know what that mean? Google it. Then when you're sufficiently freaked out, call me. We can freak together. Well, I guess I'm not freaking. I mean, it is what it is. And my Little Man is who he is, problems or not. But still......it's never fun to hear that your kid might struggle with something his whole life. That, my friends, is a daunting thought. So last night, I wrote out a letter to Little Man. And it goes a little something like this:

Dear Little Man,

I know that you are going to have a hard time in the future, and I know that there are going to be times when you simply don't feel good. I also know that there are going to be times when I don't know how to deal with you effectively, and when I won't be able to make you feel better. And I'm really sorry for that. If I could take all of this off of your shoulders and be the one to bear this burden, I would in a heartbeat. I am relatively healthy, so I know I could do it.

I keep wondering to myself...why you? Why you? Why you? But I know that I'll never get the answers. I won't understand until you are in your thirties and working at Microsoft or something, and you are an upstanding member of society, and I look around and realize that you went throught what you went through to teach you how to be a better person, a better son of God, a better son to dad and me, a better brother to your siblings, a better husband and father someday, a better everything. But until that happens, I am going to spend every day wondering why you were chosen to struggle. It's not fair, and I don't get it, and I am pretty pissy about it. I know that I shouldn't be, but I am. I'll get over it. I always do. But for now...right now....today...I am pissy.

This is not going to be easy. This new life we are embarking on will be difficult and riddled with set backs. This is probably going to be one of the hardest things we will go through. There are going to be days when I fail you. There are going to be days when I am your champion. There will be days when your siblings will be frustrated. There will be days when your siblings will be your biggest allies. There will be days when you will want to give up. When you will want to crawl into one of your teensy tiny hiding spots, and cry. And there will be days when you will want to march forward to prove to everyone that you are very smart and capable of everything everyone else around you can do!

But no matter what challenges we face, as you're fussing and crying because you're uncomfortable in your own skin, and as you're struggling to tell us what you want or need, I promise the following things:

1.) I promise to listen to you. I mean, really listen. Listen for the words in between the jarble.
2.) I promise to feed you good foods, healthy foods, foods that will make you grow up big and strong...even when you fight me on it, and you want to eat cheeze its and yogurt all the damn time.
3.) I promise to fight for you. I will punch every person in the face who calls someone on the Autism Spectrum "retarded". I will tell every single person who ever accuses you of being anything less than smart where to shove it, and I will never, EVER stop defending you.
4.) I promise to laugh with you, and tickle you, and hug you and kiss you........even when I am at the end of my rope.
5.) I promise to hold you when you're hysterical, because now I know that you're probably hysterical for a reason that I cannot fathom, and that you cannot effectively describe to me.
6.) I promise to get you into kindergarten with your peers. I promise that you won't be behind, and that your weaknesses will not be noticable to the other kids.
7.) I promise to disspell all misconceptions about ASD and SPD that people may have. You are not a freak. You are not "retarded". You are not just an ill behaved child. You are my Little Man, and you are perfect in my eyes, and you are an absolute gift to this family, and you have something HUGE to offer this world.
8.) I promise to be a mom you can be proud of.
9.) I promise to put your needs before my own. Always. Always always always always. Even when other people don't understand it, and even when it ticks people off. I will.
And 10.) I promise never to give up on you. Or any of your siblings, for that matter.

When I made the choice to have children, I made the choice to contribute something bigger than me to society. I wanted to be a part of something great, and my way of doing that was by bringing good, strong, spiritual, loving people into the world. You are a perfect example of that, Little Man. You are a wonderful son, and a choice contribution to not just our family, but to our city, state, country, WORLD.

I will never give up on you. I will never love you any less than I love you today, and that is more than the english language can properly express. Thank you for letting me be your mom. I don't deserve it. I don't feel worthy of it. But I am grateful.

With love from,
Mommy

(Brooke Moss).