Dear agents.

Dear literary agents who are doubting me,

Hello, my name is Brooke Moss, and I am the writer who queried you. And then requeried you. And then called you and cried.

Yes, I realize that this letter crosses all sorts of boundaries, and breaks every rule. But I can't help it. I realize that you have decided that I don't have any talent, but I assure you that I do. In fact, I can write one hell of a story, which you will find out for yourself, if you read more than .25 of one page.

However, since you haven't got the time to do that, and believe me, I completely understand, because I am the mother of four and so help me, there are days when I forget to PEE, and I find that around 5 in the afternoon I am ready to die from an exploding bladder and internal bleeding because I was so busy. So busy? I get it. But turning down a good book to read? Not so much.

Read my work. It won't hurt you. I swear.

Now, let's get to the list of things I am willing to do for you, if you would be willing to read my book. No, they are not X rated, perverts. I am not that kind of chick. I am, however, not opposed to bribes of the suburban mom kind. Those bribes are as follows:

1.) I will make you the mormon-mom casserole of your choice. It will, of course, be accompanied with a jello salad and snickerdoodles.

2.) I will carpool your children for one week. I realize that most of you live in the NYC, and that I will more than likely wind up with dents all over my minivan from hitting people, but I will still commit to this task.

3.) I will clean your toilets. I don't like this chore, but I hate laundry a hell of a lot more, so I am willing to stick my hand down the crapper to entice you to read my work.

4.) I will wash your car. Now this task, I am actually quite good at. Just don't let my kids near your car, or we're all screwed. And we're soaking wet. Not fun.

5.) I will draw you a picture. I realize that this one sounds cheesy, but I promise it will be worth it. I will draw a cariciture (sp?) of you and your family. It will be a priceless treasure, I promise.

And I am willing to do all of these things in exchange for YOU to read MY manuscript. Not a bad exchange, if I do say so myself. To be willing to clean the throne that holds your poopies and risk my life in a NYC carpool? I think I come out looking like quite the "giver", if I do say so myself.

Ok, so now that the rules have been established, it is up to you to request my manuscript now. I will be waiting (not so) patiently. Thank you, and good luck to you.

Sincerely,

Brooke Moss.