Another list.

I seem to be all about making lists lately. Not just lists for the store, or lists of tasks for my housework time, but lists of things that I like, dislike, enjoy, don't enjoy...whatever. Lists are in with me. In like flynn.

Maybe I am into lists right now because I am feeling totally out of control. I feel like I am spinning plates, and there are like UMPTeen many plates spinning right now, and at any given second, they are all going to come shattering to the floor. That freaks me out. Because not only will I have dropped a plate, but I will also have a giant mess to clean up. I don't need that. I can barely handle my typical business right now. Don't push me over the edge man! I can't take it! I'm a lit firecracker, man!!

Ok, enough. Chill the **** out.

So anyway...today's list is: Things that aren't real, but I wish they were...

You see, I am a realist. I consider myself to be a dreamer at the same time, but when it comes to my life and the people around me, I prefer to deal with reality. Why pretend to be something or someone I'm not? If I hate myself and my life so much that I would rather portray myself to be someone who is 10x prettier, more talented, or successful than I am, then maybe I need to consider learning how to set my sights a bit lower. Unrealistic people annoy me. Live in the now. If your "now" sucks that bad, change it. It's simple. Anyone can do it. Take it from someone who took 2 kids and left a marriage with a duffel bag and 32$ in cash. It can be done. Even for the crazy mo-fo's out there.

But, I digress.

Today's list is a list of things that are, in fact, NOT real, but I wish that they were:

1.) Fairies. I've been reading a lot of books about fairies lately, and now I wish they were real. Mainly because I have been reading books that have portrayed fairies as happy, friendly creatures who are your friends, and it makes me want one of my own. Plus, there is an onslaught of books with fairies in them, and much like the Vampire/Werewolf craze of the past few years, it would be pretty cool to discover that teensy-tiny creatures with great hair and fancy wings really exist.

2.) A weight loss pill that works, and doesn't cost as much as my monthly mortgage. Like, seriously. I need this to become real. Either it works like a dream, and I would have to start turning tricks to pay for them, which means I would have to find a client base who likes fat chicks, and that seems painfully difficult. OR....they don't work. Or...they work and they make you sh*t yourself at a church function. Not that it's ever happened to me. *looking around self consciously*

3.) A self cleaning oven. Okay. So help me, I don't understand why they still advertise these damn things. They don't exist. No matter what happens, no matter what kind of burnt crap you are trying to get out of the bottom of your oven, it will NOT come off completely by itself. It won't. No matter how much foam, sprays, or powder you put on it, then bake it, and your whole family, at 500 degrees for a day and a half to get rid of it....it will not just disappear. Even if it just burns to ash, you still have to stick your hand in that stupid, friggin' oven to wipe away the remnants.

4.) Moms who are perfect. This, too, doesn't really exist. There are all types of moms, ALL TYPES. But none of them are perfect. You may hear a person say, my mom was perfect, I wouldn't have changed her at all. She was my best friend! And you should just assume that that person is speaking about a deceased mother. I can guarantee it. Because even if their mother is still kickin', and they really are the best of friends, and they spend every Saturday at the mall together, and they have portraits together where they are embracing and look all "mother earth" and all that B.S......they still aren't perfect. If you get the daughter alone for just five minutes, and maybe slip her a mickey or get her hammered or something, she will admit it. My mother drives me crazy!! And the sick thing is: That doesn't mean she loves her mother any less or that her mother isn't a great mother, it just means they're *gasp* NORMAL. I, for one, am a very flawed mother. And my mother, for two, is a flawed mother. But I love her. And my daughter loves me. I swear, if I hear one more woman say, "My daughter and I are best friends!" I am going to puke. Be her mom, you moron. Stop trying to be perfect, and just raise a decent kid.

5.) My leading men. So far, I've got Caleb, Gabe, and Henry...and so help me, they aren't real. But every single night as I am drifting off to sleep, there they are. Smiling, sometimes talking, sometimes whispering sweet nothings....but, ahem, back to business: They don't really exist. And I wish they did. Period.

6.) Santa. Good grief, my life and my wallet would be much, MUCH happier if the big guy in red could handle Christmas once in a while. Now, Kmart layaway helps with this plight, but it doesn't cure it completely. If you are a parent, and you've never had to worry about where you were going to get the money to buy your kids their gifts every year, I encourage you to take yourself outside and beat the hell out of yourself, because you need a swift dose of reality, and fast. Santa needs to come out of hiding and take some of this stress off of my shoulders, the lazy slob.

7.) Mormon democrats. Oh wait! They DO exist. I am one. Hee hee.

I have to go make dinner for my family now. This has been a wonderful list making session, but it has come to a close. I am starting to wish for things that really DO exist, and that is for another list. Maybe sometime I will make a list that doesn't sound as bitter as today's list. I guess I am a bit bitter. Not really sure why. I guess it's because it's a Saturday and it's hot and I am PMSing.

Brooke Moss.