I'm ready

Forgive a bit of a ramble - I love when my blog give me permission to free flow my thoughts. I was shopping today and realized I have a belief my single days are coming to an end. I haven't felt this sure for a very long time and I realized it's because I think I'm finally ready to accept myself and can accept someone can accept me. The following was a rapidly written journal entry, basically me explaining the issues that prevented me from liking who I am.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel so positive about the chances of meeting someone pretty terrific sooner rather than later but if forced to nail it down I'd say its because I'm ready.

My last relationship, over not that long ago, was really great for pointing out to me issues I have with myself. When the dude began to get distant I blamed my lack of movie star looks. Wtf? How hung up am I on the outward? How did I get to the place that I believed the only thing I offered or a guy wanted was what I looked like? Let's examine the how beginning with recent to past history.

1. The guy I was dating was hung up on appearance. His ex-ltr was a recent Sunshine Girl model. Hot body. He talked a lot about appearance too. He also was all about his own. White sunglasses type. I felt flattered he found me beautiful. He said I was a 7, a 7 out of 5. (corny now when I think about it). When we first met he'd say things like, "I could stare at your face forever." or "sorry if I stop talking, I can't concentrate when I look at your face." I fell for it too. I'm insecure and this seemed to be the guy who would get me over my hang up. No chick! The only one getting me past my own hang up is me.

2. The Roissy show. I'd been an avid reader since April 2009. You can't read there and not get an overrated sense of what looks are to men. Hell I've been rated there. 6.75 was the last number I saw. 6 face and 7.50 body for a combined score of 6.75 or something like that. I've been called granny too. So ya...you can begin to see why you get a little self conscious or maybe place to much emphasis on appearance. If you really pay attention at the Chateau you'll begin to see the point spread between what men find attractive is quite wide considering there are only 10 numbers. A two point difference isn't uncommon when they discuss pictures. Men have types mind you so do women, another post topic.

3. In my Grade 9 year I was called Snout by pretty much the entire grade of boys. This name has hung over my head til now. It's strange how the negative can penetrate you psyche and have more impact than the positive.

4. My mom is probably a certifiable narcissist. I grew up in a home where measuring thighs after dinner was normal. My two sisters are marathon/triathletes, I'm the 'fat' one. My mother did not/does not compliment she makes little digs that point to the flaws. I remember one dinner in the last couple of years where I felt particularly good looking and my mom pointed out that my entire face needed threading to get rid of excess hair. I went from attractive to ugly in two seconds or less.

My break-up forced me to look at how I was feeling about myself and search to see if that was being reflected back to me by people who I have surround me. I didn't see it reflected. The boyfriend was a dick head I've since determined and I shouldn't have been with him past weekend 1 when I look at what transpired. My own desperate need to be validated by appearance caused me to stick around waiting for more compliments to drop from his mouth. They lessened dramatically and quickly and I blamed myself - I had become ugly to him like I am ugly to my mother. Now that's messed.

I feel liberated at this moment from the idea that it's only my surface that matters to men. I went out for breakfast and stopped for a quick shopping trip and didn't wear make-up! That's big. Not one person vomited. I even saw two head turns of interest. As I begin to own my beauty and its limitations I become more comfortable being me and less worried I'll scare someone off when I'm having an off day.

My future man is going to love the dolled up me, he's also gonna love the fresh scrubbed version. He's going to like that I'll look good for him, but he's not going to care that I'm not Angelina Jolie. He's going to care more about how I make him feel and he's going to care about how he makes me feel. I can't wait to meet him!