Beauty Scale

I just walked three and a half hours and feel like I could walk hours more. Energy both mental and physical are restored. I had a great conversation with my sister and in talking about the ex-amore realized without a doubt this is not the man for me. I am thankful I've come to this conclusion, one which I think I knew in my heart, and now know in my head. He didn't treat me with respect details I won't describe here, but fact.

My sister believes my issue is low self-esteem. We talked about where it might stem from and I told her how my entire grade nine year I was called snout by the boys. I've really never gotten over how big I feel my nose is. It's non-fixable and I've had that confirmed with two plastic surgeons - good ones. It's not the cartilage issue I have it's simply a fat nose. Unless you cut off the flesh which will leave bad scars I'm stuck with it. But...I'm not ugly. I'm not close to ugly. I'm just not close to North America's standard of pretty. I'm unusual looking. Attractive in an unusual way.

I was told by a good friend that although I don't look exactly like her, I remind her of Meryl Street in the movie Mama Mia. I've been looking at pictures and I can see a definite resemblance even though she's older. She's not a beauty, no one would say she is, but she does have a certain class and finesse to her. I mentioned to my sister that my friend compared me to an actress and when I told her, she said I knew that's what you were going to say and she said she's right.


I've recently started to realize my quest for standard beauty ideals is going to leave me feeling nothing but frustrated and unattractive. I'm different, get used to it, and embrace it. Recently the lovely Chic Noir pointed out that if my nose was slim I'd likely have thin lips. I don't want to give up my full lips, they're my favorite thing about myself (proof is in the frequent pics). I have great cheekbones and my eyes aren't screwy. Yes, I have a less than perfect nose, but it sets my looks apart, makes me unusual, let's even stretch it to exotic looking.

I've changed my profile pictures and changed my wording on my online profile. I start by saying if you're looking for a Hollywood Hottie (thanks Hope) move on, I say I'm not/won't compete with the hottest of the hot. I admit I'm attractive but not beautiful. My pictures are all recent and I think attractive, but they are me, no surprises when you meet me. I've been getting so many responses to my direct profile and my pictures it surprises me. One guy I'm corresponding with says I'm beautiful...in my own special way, and says variety and differences are the spice of life. I like that. I'm different. Embrace it.

This discussion on looks ties in with the ex. His long term ex was known to be a beauty (recent Sunshine girl) and he claimed he was tired of the fake everything. Truth is I believe my lack of cookie cutter looks didn't sit well with him and I believe caused some of his dissatisfaction. He asked me why I couldn't get my nose fixed for example. Painful question when you know my hang-up and I wasn't talking about it when he brought it up. Ouch.

Roissy's men (ewww that sounds weird) define looks on the standard 1 - 10 rating scale. Doug has it pretty much mapped out. This rating scale does nothing but create insecurity in women - probably the point. I don't know where I fit because I'm not the North American ideal. I've been told anywhere from 6.75 (really the .75) to an 8. It's been said you can't move up a point on the beauty scale, you are what you are and artifice is just a cover. I disagree, most women men are rating high are totally made up (even the natural looking ones). Have you seen these women without make-up? Truthfully the really beautiful are pretty much all young women, they have plump, unblemished skin on their bones, youth is crazy beautiful. The thing is I don't fit easily on the scale and either does Meryl Streep. She might be called a 5 because she's unusual but can you deny she has a certain essence? Supposedly the beauty scale is objective, I disagree and not just because I look different, but because I think people have individual tastes about what they find beautiful. Sure there are cultural ideals and some standards, but I think there's room for a great deal of flexibility in it. Some men's 8 is another man's 6.

So I'm giving up the idea of fitting in a number. I know I'm a 5 to some, and I'm an 8 to others. I'm going to start thinking of myself as unusual but in a good way. I hope to get over my severe issues with my appearance and not have to worry about how others view me. Yep, that's just what I'm gunna do.