Narcissist

I'm in a funny place with blogging at this moment. Or should I say 'the' moment. Have to figure out my motivation for it I suppose. I've never viewed myself as a narcissist, yet...

I am able to self-examine which I know is a good thing and not a narcissistic characteristic per se. But I was raised by a narcissist, my mother, and I'm not sure how far the apple falls from the tree. It concerns me frankly.

Have a I deluded myself? Do I get some sort of need met by writing here that feeds a narcissistic characterological issue? That depresses me. I mean I understand there is a tendency for all bloggers to be fed by the attention of others - I get that. I don't feel I seek more and more of it and I thought (and hope it's true) that I am building relationships with my small readership base. Perhaps even writing about this openly will assure myself of my intent.

The picture display I suppose is what concerns me the most. Posting pictures of myself serves what purpose? I believe in the beginning it was to assure Roissy readers I was in fact a datable female as that was what angle I came from as a poster. Too often it's supposed that internet posters are posers. I wanted to say I'm a genuine person. Sure I wanted to showcase more attractive features, I have a sense of what is attractive and enticing and believed a reader would be more interested if that was a focus. Half Naked Thursdays (HNT's) are commonplace around the www and I didn't mind joining the ranks - preferring tasteful shots to open,garish displays of body parts. I didn't carry this on for too long realizing perhaps the readers of Roissy would prefer a more intellectual discussion. I'm a little too common to carry on such debates well and chose to simply be myself in my diary/posts. I have been content in this for the most part.

That said, what need of mine is being met if by posting flattering Mexico shots I then feel embarrassed I posted them? I believe it's because I'm feeling less than stellar about myself and positive feedback will perhaps feed my weak ego. This is narcissistic. If I can't gain satisfaction about myself from myself and need anonymous feedback from those outside my real life circle where am I? Not the greatest place obviously.

As I guessed I'm feeling better just being able to express myself in writing. It is a cathartic process for me and I guess at the heart of why I blog. I feel reassured I'm not a hopeless narcissist and although possess tendencies can get to the root of why I do what I do and continue my personal growth.

Thanks for listening.