Tired

I'm having a terrible time right now. It's kind of silly even confessing it to the world wide web - but at this point it's about the only outlet I have.

I worked till 3:00 am yesterday and till 9:00 pm this evening - I can't imagine my day being shorter than 8:00 pm tomorrow. I start work by 8:00 am. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not in a mind frame to even know what I want truthfully.

I'm in a place where Willard's comment actually hurt me. Which I know on a cerebral level is silly but in my emotional place is not. I'm not weak or passive. I have courage and stamina and drive which matches few others. I am also on a very short supply of friends who I can relate my difficulties too because of privacy laws. I am low. Too low.

I hate crying. I don't know why when I know it will make me feel better. I don't hate crying in others - in fact seeing tears on someone else will make me tear up. But having them for myself seems weak. Why is that? I think I'm afraid if I cry I won't stop. God that just made me tear up. Maybe that's a good thing. This is a total stream of consciousness right now. My readership is drying up - which makes me feel sad.

I don't know why I'm writing here.