Unmarried and Single Americans Week

Neither is love. If we are what we eat, no wonder so many people are unmarried. I mean, we're all full of artificial ingredients! Laser-etched cheese by artist Emily Brezin.

Oy vay, as if failing investment banks and all kinds of tragic human drama wasn't enough, whaddaya know? The US Census Bureau has kindly brought us National Singles Week, which was ...

... started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. The week is now widely observed during the third full week of September (Sept. 21-27 in 2008) as “Unmarried and Single Americans Week,” an acknowledgment that many unmarried Americans do not identify with the word “single” because they are parents, have partners or are widowed.

I'm impressed that the 80s produced a "Singles Council" in the cornfields because lord only knows we were too busy dodging bullets back then here in Miami. But wait a minute! It seems like the emphasis here is on people who have had previous attachments or have reproduced. Hmpf. You know, many Americans do identify with the word single because they are, er ... ACTUALLY REALLY QUITE SINGLE! We proper singles do not have partners or children, have never been married and do not come wrapped in plastic. I suppose the only thing a "child-free" woman has in common with individually wrapped processed dairy products is the potential for milk from her ta-tas to become the key ingredient in Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, if only PETA had its way!

And speaking of single, our local rag recently put out an article about how a good man is hard to find in Miami, even for gays! One single fella really narrowed it down. He's got his priorities straight:

"And I think teeth are important."

You know, I have to agree. Of all the annoying things a man can not have, teeth is one of them. I also have a particular distaste for men without penises. But teeth, honey ... teeth you just gotta have. Teeth, integrity and a good lay. Must haves.

This article does makes a good point though -- if a pretty, professional woman can't find a man, is there any hope for a poor crack whore? Well, if you were to believe everything that is written about single people in this town, I'd throw my dreams of marital union out the glass balcony!

How do you define single? And most importantly, would you eat ice cream made out of breast milk?

tags: peta, unmarried, single