Manola Blablablanik interviews Maria, the author of Sex and the Beach, on the occasion of her fortieth birthday. Bonus Seesmic video added below!
Manola: Happy birthday to my favorite ho! Tell me, what does it feel like to be a withered old hag with dried-up ovaries?
Maria: What are you talking about you cheap tramp, I'm only 40 and I feel better than ever!
Manola: Oh come on, get real. You're supposed to have a mid-life crisis, babe. By Hollywood standards, you're already a prime nip/tuck candidate. And to add insult to injury, you can't even be a MILF because you've failed to push out a baby. Double whammy!
Maria: Listen, bitch, the only "double whammy" here are the cheeks on my big fat Cuban ass! Manola, I can't believe you buy into that stupid shit! First of all, I'm still HOT and what makes me even HOTTER is the fact that I'm wiser and no longer a twenty-something Britney trainwreck about to happen, but a real woman with her high heels firmly planted on the ground. Hello? I survived the doormat years with grace, chutzpah and barely a wrinkle!
Manola: What about rug rats?
Maria: If it's meant to be, I'll manifest a solid, loving relationship with an extraordinary man who also desires a child. Call me crazy, but why should I settle for a spermsickle up my yin yang instead of a hot beef injection from someone who adores me?
Manola: Well yeah, a romp with your hunk is the best way to be sperminated, but what if ...
Maria: Look it. No one really has a baby, you know. You have a human being and you shouldn't bang one out just because your uterus can keep it alive for the first nine months. It's a serious matter ... can we talk about something else?
Manola: Ok ... calm down. Damn girl, this is supposed to be a fluffy interview! So, speaking of "extraordinary men" who are you banging these days?
Maria: Well, I know you're not going to believe this, but I've been celibate for over a year.
Manola: SHUT UP! GET OUT! You are so fucking lying to me!
Maria: Nope. I actually took a vow of celibacy about a year ago to devote myself to a spiritual healing practice. Celibacy isn't just a hiatus from sex, but also from emotional entanglements that distract you from facing the void. Sounds scary, doesn't it?
Manola: Sounds BORING!
Maria: Actually, taking personal inventory is the best fucking thing any woman can do for herself. The results are quite sexy -- I'm more confident, secure, at peace with myself and the world and far more capable of loving.
Manola: Oh, who cares about all that rubbish. Come on, a whole year without sex? Not even a little smooch?
Maria: I've lived life well (wink, wink) so I haven't missed much.
Manola: I don't believe you.
Maria: Well, I might have been walking on the beach and accidentally slipped on someone's penis a couple of times, but that's none of your fucking business!
Manola: Oh come on, dish!
Maria: No.
Manola: I bet that "slip-up" was a blogger.
Maria: Shut the fuck up.
Manola: Does he follow you on Twitter?
Maria: Cut it out.
Manola: Oh wait! I bet he's a dude in one of your cartoons ...
Maria: I am SO going to walk out on this interview!
Manola: Ok, ok ... FINE. So how could you write about sex if you weren't into it?
Maria: Ah, that's the magic of the craft, grasshopper. When I started this blog two years ago in October, I was actually deeply depressed and had only just begun to refine the art of being reclusive. Never would've guessed it, huh?
Manola: What? Wait a minute. Now I feel shitty. Did you create me just to vent your frustrations? Is that all I am to you? I feel so used!
Maria: Manola, there's a little bit of me in you and little bit of you in me, but we're not the same person. One fine day, I'll grow up and hook up with a deserving man, but you, my dear, must always be single.
Manola: Always single, huh? That sounds like fun! But Maria, if you don't have sex, how the hell am I going to get some dick vicariously? I mean, you don't plan on keeping your hoochie hidden under lock and key for the rest of your life, do you?
Maria: Don't be ridiculous! Of course I want some dick, but I want some heart, too. This isn't about morals, it's about getting to that point in your life when you don't do dinner and bullshit anymore.
Manola: So let's go to Club Douche tonight, get real drunk and pick up some ...
Maria: No way. I'm not a cougar who's into prowling bars, even though the chastity belt is off. You swig a wine cooler with the tourist boys, honey. I prefer to sip a fine, aged scotch. I'm perfectly content to be who I am, where I am, how I am ...
Manola: Ugh. You and your stupid spiritual crap! Sometimes you sound like Oprah and Dr. Phil's love child. Why can't we just talk about penis and pussy?
Maria: Dude, we have been talking about penis and pussy. Sheesh!
Manola: OK, well, hmm ... I was hoping that by being a nosy bitch I could get a sordid confession out of you, but I see you've decided to be all deep thoughts instead of deep throat.
Maria: Honey, at my age, "classy" is the new porn.
Manola: Well, Maria, I'd love to wish you a very happy 40th birthday and hope that you'll get laid soon with some "nice" guy. Geez ... picky, aren't we?
Maria: I've learned so much from you -- you impudent, foul-mouthed slut! You're resilient and aren't afraid to speak your mind. You've been one of the greatest joys in my life. Thanks to you, Manola.
tags: confession, interview, birthday, video, seesmic, cleavage
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