Copious amounts of bags, toys, supplies, and just general crap....
A cranky husband who is still pouting because we aren't going to the same places he is used to going, and who can't stray from his "perpetual path of predicability"...ever....
And more car problems than one should ever have to deal with on a ten day trip.
So get ready. I am going to share my infinite knowledge with you, so get a pen, and write this down. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but these nuggets will be GOLDEN to you someday. I can guarantee it.
So here goes nothing...
1.) If a child says, "I'm carsick" don't immediately pull over. You may just have a child who is addicted to melodrama because she is a middle child and in need of some attention, even if it means making mom and dad pull over 3 unnecessary times to feign illness. Grab some plastic bags, put them within her reach and keep driving.
2.) ALWAYS have Triple A. Even though it feels like an unnecessary expense, because you never use it, and because satellite radio seems like such a better way to spend your 10-20$ a month.....always have triple A. Because you never know when you're going to find yourself parked in the middle of the Tacoma, Washington ghetto where 90% of the homes are boarded up, and none of the gas stations are open, and you've got a 4 inch screw sticking out of your tire. Really. Take my word for it on this one.
3.) If the aforementioned child suddenly says, "I have a headache" it is officially time to pull over. Right at that EXACT SECOND. This is the sign that the car-sickness isn't just a fluke, and he/she is more than likely going to blow chunks. Pull over immediately. But be sure to use your blinkers. People hate it when you don't use your blinkers. I'm just sayin'....
4.) When your wife says, "Take this exit, it will get you there faster", please listen. Especially when the area in question is her old stomping ground. I know it is a huge blow to your ego to be wrong, but when it takes you 5 miles out of your way just to ignore her and do it your way...you look like a moron. Just listen, and obey. No, really. It's gonna be okay.
5.) When reading hotel reviews, ALWAYS pay attention to what the reviewers say about the beds. I know, I know, that's not at the top of your priority list, but believe me...it will be at the top of your list at 3am, when your feet are hanging off the end of the bed, and you are so close to your spouse that you feel like you aren't sure where they end, and you begin...and you AREN'T on your honeymoon, that's a problem. Here's a hint: I have four kids. I don't want to sleep flush against another human being. By the time bedtime rolls around, I don't want to be touched. At all. AND...I don't want to wake up walking like a woman at least 25 years older than me, because I've slept on a glorified manger full of straw for a bed.
6.) Try not to make kill the woman in the next hotel room over who coughs like a asthmatic seal with an amplifier in her throat all night long. Because murder really puts a damper on a family vaycay. I'm just saying. Also, it's not her fault she coughs so hard the windows rattle, and the baby cries. It's those pesky filter-less Camels she's sucking on all day. Darn you, cigarettes! HACK, HACK, HACK!
7.) If you see an IKEA while on vacation....proceed with caution. I mean, sure, you can feed your family of 6 for less than $30, while purchasing lovely Swedish goods for discounted prices, but...then you have to figure out how you're going to get your new plate set, glass salad bowl, Swedish chocolate bars, umbrella, silicone oven mit, computer lap desk, plastic grocery bag dispenser, and foot stool home, when the car is already packed to capacity.
8.) Never...and I honestly do mean NEVER...let your child drink hot chocolate while playing Angry Birds on the iPad. This will undoubtedly result in spilled cocoa all over the iPad, which will result in a dead iPad, and a future trip to the Apple store for repairs you can scarcely afford, because you spent all of your extra money on fine Swedish household goods at that damned IKEA store earlier!
9.) If you have kids...especially kids who need to be occupied while younger kids have to be put to bed...always pick hotels with pools. My kids are hotel pool connoisseurs. They know which hotels have indoor/outdoor pools, which ones close at which times, and which ones have the nicest hot tubs. Pools can be used as great bribery tools, as well. I find that I can warrant great behavior from my older children by just threatening to take away their pool time. They don't need to know that I could never really ground them from the pool, because then I wouldn't know what to do with them while the younger ones were trying to go to sleep. They only need to know that Mom & Dad hold they keys to their swimming time every night, and if they set a toe over the line, that time is revoked. *Insert evil laugh here*
10.) No matter how hillbilly it looks as you're checking into the Hilton, bring a cooler of food with you where ever you go. Having the snacks on hand that your kids (and fussy husband) prefers to eat, will help you get organized and stay organized in the mornings and evenings before bedtime. If you're constantly rushing out for meals or snacks or dessert (because my kids literally won't sleep until they've been given something--anything--for dessert at night) then the kids are restless and pissy. If you have fruit snacks, cookies, crackers, etc, right on hand in the room, you can move them from thing to thing, and activity to activity without toting them along with empty bellies. Here is a clue (and I WISH my ex husband would grasp this, and actually remember this, but I've lost all hope for his information retention abilities): If you keep your kid's bellies topped off (not stuffed) all all times, they will function better. Period. Not rocket science. Simple facts, here, folks. Sure, you look a little red-neck-ish as you are rolling your cooler into your room at the hotel (As my 12 year old son said tonight as we rolled ours into the Hilton, "All we need is a banjo, mom.") but your 4 and 3 yr olds will thank you for it.
Okay, so there is my wise advice for the night. Tomorrow is our second to last day on vacation. Sure, we've had a few hiccups.....
The flat tire...
The traffic jam that made traveling 3 miles into a 67 minute process and led to one of mom's (my) bigger meltdowns in which I announced that I hated my whole family and hoped they fell off a cliff--not one of my better moments...
The woman with TB in the room next door...
The realization that I am really fat and need to diet, even though I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a fork...
The arguments with my husband over simple things like where to turn on the highway, or whether or not I put the key card in my pocket (He was right...it was in my pocket the whole time. I hate it when he is right, though it happens more often than not.)...
When my daughter spilled cocoa all over the iPad, and I was so pissed off that I had to make her sit on the balcony alone for a half an hour while I regained my cool...
When my 4 year old decided to drop trow on the beach not 4 feet from some other people, so that he could "pee in the waves like a fish"...
When I cried at 2 am because I was so uncomfortable in my bed that I wanted to pack up and drive the full 8 hours home, just so I could sleep in my own bed and get some d*mn sleep...
When my husband ate an entire bag of Tillamook cheese curds, even though I told him that the best part of my vacation was going to the cheese factory and all I wanted was to horde the cheese for as long as I could to make it all last...
Our special needs son only going on the beach wearing a long sleeved sweatshirt, long pants, and knee high rubber boots....
There were also as many good moments. Moments that made me glad to be these kid's mommy. Moments that made me thank God for my nerdy husband. Moments that made me realize how incredibly good I've got it, and that I'd better not screw it up, because I would be lost without this life. Moments that made me laugh so hard, I thought I would die, moments that made my heart skitter in my chest. These are the moments that make saving and scrimping every single dollar every year so that we can take a family vaycay possible.
Maybe next year, I will heed those 10 things I've learned, so that I can avoid the same mistakes on the road?
Mmmmmm, yeah. I doubt it. Let's be real.
Brooke Moss.
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